Bad Times

Spent most of last night crying over Grandpa. He is still hanging on by the way. He has lost all ability to speak and move and is in a semi-comatose state, however I was told today that he was able to nod in the morning when grandma came in to say hi, that was his way of acknowledging her presence. Poor grandma, she spent the entire night watching over grandpa. She is finding it really difficult to let go of her lover of 60 years.

I told Apeman when I'm old (and possibly senile), please don't send me to the old folks home. I want to stay at home with you. He said nah I am sending you there because you will probably still be waffling on about IVF and infertility, plus I want to set up home with my other girlfriends. I said well that's it, next time when I am getting a trigger injection you are going to get one too. We go down together.

Nothing much to report today, except since I discovered part of my ovary has grown back I suddenly realise I have back pain - the same ones I used to get before my ovary-removal surgery. My ovary has always been stuck to my back, which I am almost 100% sure that the `new ovary' is stuck in the same place. And because I have PCOS (how fucked is that? You get away with one disease and suddenly you are lumped with another - can somebody untie me from this noose?), everytime I go to the loo its a struggle. The uterus and the ovary is so bloated it makes weeing painful.

Plus,

I still haven't worked out my situation yet (the situation about the discovery of a new (and not necessarily improved) ovary, PCOS, not ovulating this month, and now that I have PCOS, it is going to make it difficult for me to absorb Puregon for my next cycle because my body is going to resist it).

Another obstacle. More thinking to be done.

Drove up north on Wednesday for work, and managed to take some pictures. This one is my favourite, a field full of sheeps. I wanted to run amongst them and be happy. My workmates said I really need to go out more.



If only life is as easy as running amongst green fields, humping the opposite sex when the opportunity arises, and eat grass (or whatever sheep eats).

Life Not Getting Any Better

Grandpa's condition has turned to worst - last night I bid my goodbye to him and told him what I need to say as he was slowly loosing his consiousness, and is starting to talk gibberish. He was however, able to tell me to `behave', and it is a pity that he didn't get to see my children. I cried and told him I will try harder and I too am sorry that he didn't get to see my kids because I am afterall, his favourite grandchild. The upside of this situation is that at least my grandpa is no longer in pain, the cancer has completely filled his body and he is unable to feel any of it. They stopped feeding him morphine as of last night. This morning he is in similar condition.

And after a detailed ultrasound/tube traffic testing yesterday, life just keep getting more bizarre and once again me and Apeman are in discussion regarding adoption. Maybe it is time to stop trying.

The tube on the remaining ovary is open. Yes. So the traffic is open. However -
The ovary is in fact mildly PCOS, and it didn't ovulate this month. So that LH surge detected a week ago was in fact a hormonal imbalance surge. My hormones are fucking around again thanks to last month's puregon ride. It looked a little lumpy but otherwise healthy looking. No cysts or anything like that.
Uterine surface nice and smooth, no problems with implantation there. Yes.

And get this. We found an ovary on the other side. It is only 1/3 of its normal size, but as I was assured that my left ovary was supposingly removed during a rather painful operation in March this year, I was under the impression that I have nothing there. But the last few months I definitely felt SOMETHING on that side, which I brushed it off as `phantom pains'.

But apparently things like these happens occasionally - often when surgeons take out an ovary - they may not be able to completely remove it. It has happened to a friend of mine but what she got was only a tiny dot of ovary left, not a massive mass of ovary like I do. And with mine, it probably `grew' as a result of using Puregon.

I may rejoice over this little discovery, but given my history of endometriosis, that's not exactly good news. It means that fucking disease is still alive and well in me. And that's a kick in the teeth. So, Deirdre is back. She went to Maldives and decided it sucks there, so she came back after loosing lots of weight (and probably tanned, the bitch).

I only want one baby. Becky Cartwright can do it. Cousins who have sex with each other can do it. Why couldn't I?

So maybe there is another hidden message there, maybe I am supposed to keep trying. Maybe the messenger is telling me I am supposed to be fertile - so here's your ovary back. Take that.

Am not thinking straight due to grandpa so I will worry about this later.

Sadness (and Becky Cartwright)

Before I launch into a huge whinge about babyhood/infertility grounds/general retardness in the reproductive area - I must bring up my favourite topic regarding Becky Cartwright.

Basically the day Becky decided to become a regular contributor to my favourite goss magazine (to discuss motherhood, pregnant-hood and Leyton), I stopped buying it.

Then this appeared on the newstand (plus TV advertisements at 15 minute intervals thus inducing moments of non-HCG related nausea).











Major issues (for me) with regard to this magazine spread:

1. Becky, you got knocked up only weeks after meeting your beau. Prior to that you were probably more worried about getting ready for the Logies, what to wear, who to get your dresses from, your ex (some H&A guy which you only broke up with weeks ago), your lines for Home and Away, talent scouts from the US showing up at the H&A set, movie-deals, how to be a normal 20 year old under the lime-light of the jaded TV business. So the `I can't wait to be a mom' line is a little dramatic. But okay, I give you that. You must be excited. And probably Woman's Day, being the womanly mag that it is, needs to provide a politically correct title for the recently married new mom.

2. Becky looks skinny whilst pregnant. Is this normal or was the photo graphically enhanced to make a beautiful girl look even more beautiful with bump??

3. Fucking hell Becky, think of all the infertile women in Australia, and around the world. The last thing I need to see today, (after my outburst last night), is a content Becky held by Leyton in full pregnant glory. Not only are you guys totally rich, totally young, totally successful and probably Becky was given a waterfront mansion in Sydney to live in, and she probably has an interior designer for the nursery and was sponsered by Morrissey or Wayne Cooper for pregnancy-wear. But you are also, goddammit, beautifully and undeniably pregnant.

I now sulk in silence.

Now I forget what I was supposed to fucking write about today.

Oh, I had a total face-off with Apeman last night over a family hug-meet scheduled for tonight. His relatives are here again from overseas, and we have to do dinner. Last time during a similar meet, I was told by an aunty that I should look into having a baby right now (hint hint nudge nudge) because the government give you a $3000 baby bonus. Fuck the baby bonus. I am having troubles paying off the IVF bills. Pfft, $3000.

I reasoned with Apeman that I don't want to go because I feel so exposed to baby questions - it makes me want to vomit/torture small animals/cry. I am afraid I will totally snap one day and tell everybody to fuck off and leave me alone. I will scream `Leave me alone I am infertile so what can I do about it??', probably followed by 5 years of non-stop gossiping amongst the family-hood.

He told me you cannot continue to live like this, you are shutting everybody out and you cannot live like a hermit all the time. I said I will do whatever I like because it makes me happier that way and I am merely protecting myself - because no matter how strong I am, sometimes words that come out of ignorant people's mouth still hurts, and your family are so fucking fertile they keep falling pregnant so it is really difficult for me to deal with. One of them even told me blatantly that everybody is talking about me and wondering why we are not pregnant yet. He said well I really had enough of you in that case - because you are making things difficult for me. I said well fine then you can divorce me and you won't be miserable anymore and I will shit in peace. He said nothing.

Then three hours later we held hands watching TV in bed. He gave me a hug in the morning, as if he understood.

And I feel better - until I saw Becky Cartwright's pregnant form during lunch time.

Grandpa

My idol - my grandpa was admitted to hospital early Saturday. He battled bladder cancer a few years ago, came out of a marathon 13 hour surgery and survived - and continued a lifestyle of `live for today, worry about tomorrow - tomorrow'. Grandma nursed him back to health, and gradually he gained pound by pound and was given a life-extension of a few more years. He was incredibly lucky.

As of Saturday, the retarded doctors, who gave grandpa the all-clear only a month ago after a fuck-loads of blood tests and scans, told my poor grandma this weekend that grandpa only has a day or so to live - his cancer has suddenly caught on and spread throughout his body including almost all nymph-nodes and has completely shut down his kidney function.

All in a span of a month?

So far grandpa seems to be doing okay, stablised with drips and morphine (for the pain in his lower back due to the cancer). He was offered life-saving surgery on Sunday - with the possibility of savaging his `fake bladder' and kidney, but was told it will be incredibly painful and they cannot guarantee he will come out of the surgery okay. Grandpa - the trooper that he is - flatly turned down the doctors and requested them to turn up the painkillers and let him be. He want to pass in peace and not in pain.

And here, I promise I will live as spectacularly as I can for you Grandpa. You inspire me and I love you.

Part of the Statistics....

Apeman came home yesterday. Exactly 24-fucking-hours late for miracle ovulation. Double fuck.

Plus my IVF journey has hit a new low last night.

Got a call late in the evening from Apeman's brother - the word was his grandma is gravely ill and is near death. I may sound very detached about this - it's all because I really dislike that family of his because they are so fucking nosey about my personal affairs (apart from asking me about when we are going to have children because we have been married for five years already, I also get the occasional `How much do you earn a month' questions from the nosey aunty or nephew). Anyway I still need to pay my respects because grandma is old and I need to do the dance every now and then.

So we went over - and to be honest, grandma looked fine for somebody who is near-death (I'm a bitch). She lost her appetite but she still craves for certain type of food and told Apeman about it. She kept saying I'm going to die, I'm going to die. I held her hand and told her you'll be fine grandma (she couldn't remember my name). She was particularly chatty last night and talked about her large extended family and how proud she is of them all.

Then cringingly, grandma asked Apeman (not me) when are we going to have children - it will be her last (dying) wish - and she wants so much to see our children. Grandma could not remember if she had eaten her dinner last night, but somehow she knows Apeman has been married for five years already and still no children, and the fact that she has a clan of 47 (going on 48 as there is one on the way in Houston). Grandma wants to know if we are trying for a baby or not.

I pretended to be captivated by a stupid show on TV (appropriately named for the occasion - `The Mole' on Channel 7) - whilst this baby conversation went on for 15 minutes - with my mother in law sitting there next to grandma - hiding her eyes from her son and myself. It was a sombre moment.

Whilst Apeman gently calm grandma down, and my mother in law's face gradually became ashen and looked like she was about to cry, I kept thinking to myself, FUCKING 47 family members!!! Isn't there enough children/grandchildren for one family? You can't even fit 47 people in a fucking bus! I must be really unlucky - to be married into a freakishly fertile family who knows nothing about IVF and babies are created the `normal' way. I've read somewhere before - that 1 in 4 women experience infertility. So in a family of 47 people, there must be at least 11 family member who is infertile. Well from the way things are heading - looks like I am the only one out of the 47. That's really fucking unlucky.

So there, somebody's gotta be a part of this infertility statistic and I am the chosen one. Without the likes of me and Apeman - the world will be too perfect and that's `abnormal'. So they better not fuck with me because the more I think about this, the more fucking angry I am. I am not going to bring out the violin and start crying `Why me? Poor little me' - I am much more than that. However, sometimes I just wish people accept the fact that not having children, and not being able to have children, is perfectly normal and should not be given the extra pressure.

I can hear my hormones loud and clear today.

The Good Old Days

Was severely jet-lagged yesterday after waiting 4 hours in the Hong Kong airport for my flight, and then strapped to a seat for another 8 hours on a plane with the airbus toilets constantly occupied. Was also constantly woken up by fake-smiling air-hostesses, that I need to put on my seat belt properly (define properly???). Felt like shit this morning as I poured myself into the car and drove to work. Now feeling a bit better after having my Ribena fix.

So finally after much piss-farting around the house and washing of 2 weeks worth of dirty laundry - I sat down and tried to watch some TV.

Then my favourite ad came on. It was the new McDonald ad with all these white collared people walking around in their offices. Then suddenly they came to a halt and their bellies open up - a little minature of themselves climbed out. The little kiddies (some wearing oh-so-cute adult glasses) all went to McDonalds for a well deserved break on behalf of their`adult bodies'. After their `play time' at Maccas, they got some takeaways (burgers), returned to their adult bodies and placed the burgers in their hands and climbed back `inside'. The adult bodies came to their senses, and realise somebody conveniently put a Macca burger in their hands so they too took a break themselves and ate away. Everybody lived happily ever after.

Despite being such a daft ad - especially since it was for Maccas - I actually became teary watching it. The good old days of being a child, who values playtime more than anything. I wish I can be six again and not having to worry about IVF and other reproductively challenged issues.

Apeman is held up with business overseas so he is not coming home until thursday night. Which is just as well because my ovary was particularly twingy last night and I kept wetting my pants (not pee but the other fluid) so I did a quick ovulation test and of course I HAD to see two lines. I am ovulating as we speak and I don't have Apeman here to inseminate me.

Fucking stupid stork.

Holiday Pause

Right now, I am sitting in an internet cafe right in the centre of Hong Kong party central Tsim Sha Tsui - blogging away.

I did forget about babies and IVF and fucking large needles that draw blood - for maybe a day or so.

But then of course my beady little eyes began to search for babies and pregnant women - even when I am supposed to be on holiday. And oh my god - there are so many young mothers in Hong Kong. Half of them half my age - and I am only 31. I saw 19 year old moms lugging their little girl to childcare before work. I saw `older moms' in their late twenties lugging three kiddies to the local fast food joint for a `quality' lunch. I saw almost angelic looking pregnant women with their massive bellies struggling to get into a crowded train on her way to work. It is such a fast pace city I cannot imagine going through IVF here - let alone bringing up a young life.

It makes me more determined to return home next week and give IVF another bash. It's worth it. I want a baby so much. I think this trip is a fantastic idea - I feel much better and all that shopping and touring has rejuvenated me.

I just hope my wee frozen ones (three more left) are ready for ME when I return.

In the mean time - its relaxation time - I didn't even bother to do my temperatures in the morning.

Ironic

Was packing for our trip last night, and came across a stash of condoms. These condoms are a real collector's item - they are at least 7 years old and pretty much dried up. Everytime we moved houses Apeman must have `saved' them - thinking we may need to use it one day. (Eeek!)

Then suddenly a thought crossed my mind.

`Did you know that I am a walking human contraceptive?'
`What you mean?'
`Well we have been having sex for 9 years now, and 6 of them are unprotected, and they keep putting healthy embryos into me and I am still not pregnant, so aren't I qualified enough for that name?'
`Yeah whatever.'

I just found out the sad (happy?) news that a fresh graduate in this office who is only half year out of university got knocked up, and since she is well into her three months worth she is therefore keeping the baby - and the catch is the relationship was casual (some heard it was a one-night stand because there was never a boyfriend mentioned). Workmates here are saying isn't it weird that you survived high school and university, with all those drunken keg parties and hormonally charged uni students - she managed to get by okay, but she got knocked up only months into her first job and was supposed to be going on an offshore trip soon?

I don't envy her - but of course I feel shitty about it. People are getting knocked up by having one night stands around me, whilst we have steady sex for years and years and I am still Libra Fluer's biggest customer. Fuck that's really messed up.

Homecoming - A Relief to `Have' My Body Back

The heavy period has come and is almost gone - with some luck - tomorrow I may even be able to down-grade to a panty liner instead of the pillow I am sitting on at the moment.

With the HCG hormones now gone - my boobs returned to their normal shape, they don't hurt anymore, even the ovary seems to have calmed down and be less painful - so it seems like I am back to normal (I hope).

Apeman always gets really horny when I have my period - it is just so annoying - I just don't feel sexual when I am still leaking blood and my butt and back is sore from adhesions.

"Can we have sex tonight? I really want to have sex with you."
"No."
"Can we have sex on Monday night then? I really want to have sex with you Monday night."
"Errr...maybe - it depends if I am still..."
"But I really want to have sex with you."
"Oh whatever. Sod off for now because you're in my way." More channel flicking followed.

He recently tabulated the number of times we had sex the past year - it works out to be roughly two to three times a month. Yes. No shit. My reasoning for this alarmingly low number is because I am only fertile when I ovulate, and you are supposed to have sex when you are fertile - so when I make egg, we have sex a few days before ovulation, then wait one day so he can `conserve' his sperm, then we have sex again a day later closer to ovulation, and then maybe once more after ovulation to make sure we have put in enough `reserves' for my egg. And then definitely no sex during the luteal phase because I read somewhere that you shouldn't really in case you really are pregnant. (And that article alone basically fucks up our sex life entirely).

Plus - who needs sex when I can have IVF. IVF dampens your sex and love life so much that it is almost ironic to undergo it - especially after a few attempts.

I think I am back to my old self - Saturday was rather miserable and I was a bit teary. I blurted my sorrows out to a friend who didn't know I was undergoing my 8th attempt (she was there for the 5th and the 7th attempts) - she offered sympathy and valium in case I need it. I thanked her but passed. I am strong enough to cope with IVF - no drugs needed.

Sportsgirl vs Lamaze Classes

Since I cannot have a baby this month - once again I returned to my mothership for some much needed time off and solitude - I went shopping.

I didn't want to go, I don't need anything really. I've got everything I need at home, I've got shoes for every occasion, tops for work and play, jeans in a variety of styles and colours, and the last thing I need is more shoes. Even Ape-man looks like a fucking christmas tree when he goes out - I dress him well because I have so much time on my hands to make sure he does.

Plus I feel empty. I don't feel lonely. I just feel terribly empty and incompetent.

What I really needed last night was to go somewhere to remind myself that I am young, fit, and healthy and even if I am not allowed to have a baby, at least I pull my purse out and buy something I desire. Anything.

So I did just that.

And of course, by going shopping alone also means I have to put myself out there to meet real people. And on thursday late night shopping - you meet all kinds of people (and all kinds of YOUNG people in various stages of undress - low-hung jeans bearing arse-cracks and skanky G-strings seems to be still in).

After buying my 213th, 214th and 215th pair of knickers from Myers, I staggered through the crowds and made my way to Sportsgirl - the fashion house for the brave, the colourful and the hip. Oh I think that's me.

I don't think anybody noticed this happy family standing outside of Sportsgirl - they are not that noticable, but through my infertile little eyes - they stood out like three amigoes in Shanghai. It was just a young looking guy, holding a little man in his arms (probably 2 - 3 years old), the wife kissed him goodbye and said I will just pop into Sportsgirl and be back in 10 minutes. Love you honey.

Nothing out of the oridinary - but then I thought I saw a baby bump on her stomach. She was incredibly trendy, she's got the full trendy gear on. If you don't look closely you probably thought she just had a big lunch. And since I am an infertile, and had been for some time, it makes me a little mental and I am ashamed to admit that I followed her around the shop to check if she is really pregnant. And she was. Probably about 3 to 4 months worth.

How can she go in there? Isn't sportsgirl for the young and the hip? For the free spirited? For the `I can go places and do anything I want'? Shouldn't she shop in places like `Mother & Me' or `Pregnancy Chic'? I walk past maternity shops all the time - I work near one - those are the places which will always be denied to me like a hip nightclub with a bad-ass bouncer. So why is she messing with my Sportsgirl?

And then after this outburst (in my head) I felt ashamed.

And then I felt sad.

Because I am not normal - watching her gate-crashing my Sportsgirl is like me gate-crashing her Lamaze class sans pregnancy bump.

You see - I am so mental that I even dedicated this entire blog to a pregnant woman walking into Sportsgirl hoping to find something stretchy to fit her growing belly.

I need to find a new hobby.

Can't Grieve

A nosy little busybody dropped by my workstation just then to `say hi'. If you want to know who farted in the room just now, or who has a penile erectus problem recently, go ask her. She knows everything and everybody in this office. And I work in a pretty big office.

When she dropped by I was heads down, I finally got my concentration back after weeks of IVF stress. At least I didn't do retarded things today like I did last week.

`Are you okay Drew?'
`Oh hi T!' Perky perky - perky is the word with busybody because she can sniff a dead rat from miles away.
`You just look...a bit tired'
`Oh really? Oh it must be the flu or something' Cough cough.
`You sure? You look a little sick'
`No I'm fine T'.

My period finally broke free. I am feeling like shit because I got my period and had a negative pregnancy test yesterday. The little valley of hope I built up since the end of last month (well, maybe try FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO) had just crumpled and now I am trying to seek some solace by submerging myself, once again, in my work and pretend everything is normal and hunky dory. So yeah, if I looked a little sickly is because I FUCKING AM.

Last night, after the reality of the pregnancy test sank in - I returned home with bags of shopping. Once again I am the Martha Stewart cross Bill Gates character. At work I am supposed to be a gun engineer, at home I am the brilliant homemaker who looks after my husband to perfection - I cooked, I cleaned, I vacuumed, I scrubbed, I baked a fucking excellent chicken pie from scratch, I served dessert (didn't make it don't know how to either), I entertained the dog, I ironed, I washed, I mopped. Then when I was starting to feel exhausted, I found more washing to do and I did the whole washing/drying/ironing thing again.

And then I sat on the dunny and tried to force myself to cry. But I couldn't. I don't know how to.

Since the 5th/6th IVF cycle I have suddenly lost the ability to let go - to grieve so to speak.

I mean, I did cry a little the other day, but not as much as I used to. Yesterday on the phone, my new clinic was so gentle when they were trying to break the news to me. I was like, oh I'm perky, oh I'm fine, don't worry I already know. Thanks. Oh don't worry about it. I hope the next one is it too. Thanks so much and you have a lovely day yourself. It's like I was cancelling an order for a pizza.

I don't know if this behaviour of mine is normal or not. But I find it easier to cope this way. I am not letting the negative result affect me or my quality of life.

Apeman is planning a mini holiday - I hope to leave by late next week. I have declined to start another FET straight away (as suggested by the clinic as an option) because I don't feel comfortable with it. My body is so fucked at the moment with hormones - I have adhesions running all the way down my back and my bladder hurts when I pee.

It is a difficult time for my body - so I will give it time to grief too.