Drew's Diary

Hello from The NeverNeverLand!

2010-09-03T15:10:00.005+08:00

I thought I will do a post and provide an update because I just remembered this blog and came back to have a read, and realised there are still people reading it! Thank you for dropping by and I hope my story (though badly written and horribly presented, nothing fancy like some of the nice blogs out there) will offer some help or even hope to those who are still waiting for their dreams to come true.

I know what is like to feel desperate and completely hopeless, wondering if there is anybody out there who feels the same, and the need to read just ONE story with a happy ending.

My girls are now 1 and 3.5 years old. After my experiences as an infertile seems to have shaped the type of mum I want to be. Before I was always firm about returning to work and maybe re-establish my half-ass career after the years of infertility emotional roller coaster ride. But now that my girls are here with me, I just want to stay home and be a soccer mum. My older daughter (Poopie, as I lovingly referred to her as when she was inside me) has Specific Langauge Impairment, which means her speech is slow to evolve and may take years of speech therapy to get it right. But she is bright as a button, very emotional and cheeky. Although it has been very tough coping with her speech delay (and breaks my heart when I see her sadness when she couldn't communicate with us some of her needs) - I only need to think of how difficult our journey was to conceive her - we can overcome anything! Her sister on the other hand surprises me with her early speech and has a completely different persona compared to her sister. Both are gorgeous girls - the little girls from my dreams all those years ago. I can go on forever about how grateful I am to have two gorgeous girls.

And tutus....how many tutus do you think a girl needs? Oh the joys of shopping for them.

I sincerely wish for all of your dreams to come true.

Call in the big band, it's a celebration!

2009-09-21T10:14:00.002+08:00

On 20th August 2009, and once again like last time, my waters ruptured just past midnight after two days of on-off labour pains. And once again Apeman expertly jumped out of bed and got me the towels and mobile phone to call the labour ward. This time seemed alot more painful because I was quite advanced into the labour, and the epdiural didn't quite work on one side of my body.

Erin Carmen was born three hours later. She was premature at 36 weeks and was a skinny rabbit, but at a good size of 2.7kg. I required no stitches, just some painful swelling in my la-la but by the third day I reckon I could've run the marathon. This body is designed for child birth!!!! I used a bit of gas to help me through the labour when I was waiting for the epidural guy, but once the epidural kicked in (or rather, it didn't quite), I still feel the pain and pressure but I was desperate to get my baby out!!!! So I just PUSSSSSHED!

Erin spent a total of 9 days in the neo-natal unit because of her size and also for her to establish feeding. By the time we left the hospital she is a brilliant breastfeeder, and is a gorgeous little pocket rocket.

Though I am a little tired from the lack of sleep and energy looking after my two princesses, I can safely say I am the happiest mum in the world. Who would've thought? The ultimate walking contraceptive device just had her second child?

Happy, just very, very happy.

30 weeks and counting

2009-07-05T17:49:00.002+08:00

I know. It's been a while.

Let's see, the lack of internet access due to a house move, lack of a reliable computer to type my most secret messages and thoughts, a growing toddler who demands my attention, a tiring pregnancy....all of the above excuses. Pathetic!

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. The mind boggling bleeding I experienced was initially due to a mild case of placenta aruption, a small 1cm tear of the placenta away from my womb. Then of course after that `little' scare, a subsquent scan revealed I have a mild case of placenta previa - which means the placenta is partially covering the cervix. 21 week scan revealed the placenta has grown away, and I was in the clear. This will be confirmed in three weeks time when I have another scan to determine the exact location of the placenta.

Otherwise - all is good. I believe this is going to be a baby for me in the end, I very much hope so.

This second pregnancy is an active one - my gorgeous Poopee is so beautifully weaved into our lives, I spend all my time with her. Maybe this is not healthy, but I really enjoy it. We even sleep together and she always nuzzle her sweet smelling head into my chest and with her hand down my top. And the excitement continues as we will be expecting another new life into our world. I don't even know what to say, just incredibly blessed. Even the impending sleepless hours seems like a blessing....I think.

I hope to write more but that bloody Apeman is hoping for some dinner. Better get going. Thanks for keeping up with me!

Hanging

2009-04-14T14:10:00.002+08:00

17.5 weeks today.

Spotting has stopped since four weeks ago, but then the last day or so we are back to spotting. If I am not already showing I would completely freak. Well, I still freak, but not as much.

What can I do anyway? I can only sit here and wait for another doctor's appointment to give me some sort of confirmation that things are going to be ok. Just mysterious blood from mysterious parts of my inner regions. Baa....fuck. (I give up).

On the up side - I can feel small little fluttery movements occasionally. Even as early as 13 weeks!!! Braxton Hicks started early this time at 15 weeks. I now remember how uncomfortable the BH's are with my first pregnancy, especially when they happen later in third trimesters - the teeth clenching ones that takes your breath away.

Poopee-wise - that girl is my little heartbreaker. She is such a little mini-me. She is developing such a strong little personality that almost gets what she wants. We had an eventful little outing to Ikea during the long Easter weekend and she went absolutely mental there. She had a shit-fit because she couldn't wander off on her own and climb a display unit...something like that. Both Apeman and I agree that will be one of the very last trips to Ikea as a family. We did manage to purchase a cute little toddler bed for her, with the mattress and matching sheet sets.

Oh - and she is not eating. She is such a super fussy eater. I am now running out of ideas as to what to feed her. No she doesn't like pasta or rice, or finger foods, or mushy foods, or colourful foods, or even foods you consider the worst for children - she won't have a bar of it. Just super picky. I am taking her to see a paed next week just to see what's going on.

My already swollen fat fingers, and fat feet, can only take me this far this time. Time to get up for a little walkabout!

A real baby

2009-03-13T17:00:00.003+09:00

All ok!

We are having a baby. I hope!

Passed first trimester screening. There are good probabilities for a healthy baby. Ultrasound reveals an energetic baby in the correct measurements. Nuchal measurement was 1.55mm.

Small tear just underneath the placenta. Hopefully the blood clot will heal as I enter second trimester next week. I am still spotting considerably every few days. Yesterday I woke up to horrendus bleeding but I have to remind myself - be calm, be calm.

If I can jump up and down for joy, I would at this moment. But as per the doctor's orders, I will take it easy and jump up and down in my mind. Sweet sweet thoughts.

Back from the dead

2009-03-06T19:19:00.002+09:00

I don't even know where to begin. I am in tears as I write this. The past month or so has been difficult. The longest days and nights.

I am still pregnant. I don't even know how to begin to explain how I feel at the moment. Very blessed, stressed out, confused, hate to wake up in the mornings.

All of the above.

To clarify a few things - I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. And 1 day. 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The sort of pregnancy progress people jump over joy with. I made it! Yeah! Let's tell people!

I have been staying away from my blog because it seems every time I make a new post about a little bit of progress, or joy, I get knocked back. So I was just too scared to jinx myself and had to stay away.

The past few weeks I had been to many ultrasounds, many consultations with my doctor. He offers me no nonsense ultrasounds to give me reassurance that I have a baby inside with a beating heart. And many times I see this gorgeous being, this beautiful bean who grew into a little alien person. Already showing its long limbs, playing with its little hands. Even rubbing its face. At 12 weeks. Wow. Completely overwhelms me. Makes me cry everytime.

And I swear I can already feel the small flutters. Don't know if I imagined it.

From 6 weeks I had brown/red watery bleeds. I get them nearly every three days. And if I am really blessed, I get them every four to five days. Those days are beautiful. Blissful to the point I can almost see happy ending of the pregnancy - a babe in arms. Another pair of eyes so similar to the ones I look into everyday, my gorgeous Poopee. The bleeding gets progressively worse, to the point where it became bright red and with bits of clots. Imagine that, my knees shake and I couldn't breathe everytime. Every morning when this happens. I now no longer look forward to the end of the day, because that will mean I will have to face the next morning with the possibility of another bleed.

For weeks there had been no answers. Then by chance I was given a cervix inspection and doctor discovered a small patch of cervix erosion, hormonally related bleeding but has nothing to do the progress of the pregnancy. A few days ago, after yet another big bleed, ultrasound revealed a tear in the uterine lining. A small separation concealing a blood clot between uterus and the lining that protects the baby. Subchorionic hematoma. It is probably nothing, which may heal over time, or may not. But definitely contributes to the bleeds I have been getting.

At this stage, I am still not comfortable letting people know about the pregnancy. Though it does not help that I am already showing. Next week my first trimester screen. I will get some dimensions of this blood clot on the day.

I guess worse things can happen. I just need to get used to seeing the volume of blood and think of it as normal. I hope for my little one's sake, that everything is going to be ok. I have seen this baby and I want this baby very, very much. I hope my body doesn't let it down.

In the mean time, I count down to tomorrow. Tomorrow is a bleed day. Sigh.

2009-01-29T10:08:00.003+09:00

I don't even know what to say.

I got my bad nausea back again after dinner last night. Throwing up every fifteen minutes or so. Things were looking up. I am pregnant.

I woke up exhausted this morning, only to discover a heap of blood on my panty liner. I wiped and wiped and keep wiping fresh red blood.

I know in my heart things are nearly, if not already, over.

I don't understand. I really don't understand. We all saw a strong heartbeat in my doctor's rooms last night.

I am starting to think maybe Poopee is indeed a miracle. Not just in typed words - but a miracle that needs to be celebrated everyday. Because I got pregnant with her without knowing that I could, and carried her to term without any mishaps. After so many years of struggling with fertility and she happened without a glitch. And I thank God for that.

I was told to rest my feet up this morning despite the obvious, and a scan tomorrow to check what is going on. I am not being pessimistic. I am being realistic.

I am grateful for the opportunities, but is completely heartbroken to be me right now. I just don't know what to say.

Apparently approximately 7 weeks

2009-01-28T21:04:00.005+09:00

The title may explain the current situation. Apparently I am still pregnant despite the bleeding and sudden disappearance of nausea.

Good doctor was able to squeeze me in for a scan. He is such a good doctor so I didn't feel any discomfort during the vaginal scan, he easily got into position and a further two seconds later he announced that all is good nothing to worry about.

`Ha?'

A close up revealed a beating heart. Gallop-gallop-gallop-gallop. Cervix closed. Only one sac. 7 weeks tomorrow.

Again nothing and nobody can explain the bleeding. I also bled at 6 weeks 3 days with Poopee. But it was not as much blood like today. And today the bleeding went on for quite a while.

For my peace of mind another scan was booked in a few weeks time. I don't know if I can wait that long but I will have to. Calm works. Panic and stressed doesn't.

Stay. Calm. Stay. Calm. Stay. Calm.

6 weeks 3 days

2009-01-28T10:24:00.002+09:00

I started to bleed this morning when I woke up.

Had really bad nausea right up until early this morning, then suddenly ZAP! - everything is gone. Not even that sickly feeling anymore.

Bleeding getting heavier by the minute. Rang the good doctor this morning and was able to secure a scan this afternoon - two days ahead of our scheduled appointment.

Numb. Not scared. Just numb.

6 weeks and barfing

2009-01-25T22:19:00.003+09:00

Ok.

So it's really here. The barfing and wanting to barf feeling.

A mum in playgroup who is five months into her second pregnancy proudly bragged about her zero nausea throughout her last and current pregnancies. Not even the slightest.

I was in fact having this conversation with her on wednesday during playgroup that I suddenly had this funny taste in my throat. It's heeeeeere.

Apeman was changing Poopee last night when I was throwing up in the basin. Poopee saw my distress, and my gorgeousness, her lips trembled and she made herself cry. Afterwards I told Apeman I better do my throwing up elsewhere and away from Poopee next time.

Still calm. Everything is normal except I am hiding this pregnancy from the world (not the cyberworld of course) until I get a bit more reassurance.

I am at the hands of the higher beings. But I am happy already. Just happy.

5.5 Weeks

2009-01-22T16:03:00.002+09:00

HCG = 24, 614
P4 = 105

Numbers alot higher than the last pregnancy, but on par with the first (Poopee). I know these numbers are not meant to be comparable, since every pregnancy is different. But I guess this means things are okay for now.

Scan moved forward to next friday as per the instructions of my good doctor. I hope to see a happier picture this time. I can only hope. I am staying aloof until then.

Cool as a cucumber.

Hideous image seen today at the maternity hospital (where I had my blood test). A girl looked about eighteen and was heavily pregnant, she was wearing hospital gown and slowly waddled on the hospital sidewalks with her mum, obviously for a pre-labour stroll. Smoking full strength cigarettes. She didn't even consider going down in dosage. That poor baby inside.

Obama 2009!!!

2009-01-20T20:57:00.004+09:00

What more can I say. This man is motivational, I cannot wait to see the footage of him sworning in as the 44th American President. With the way things are going at the moment, I am going to cry my eyes out. I was reading the newspaper about the Hudson River plane crash the other day and I was crying like a baby. Apeman walked past and thought I was crazy. Bloody pregnancy hormones.

Here's a number one from my girl for the president elect.

Thanks for the recent comments on my blog! This one is for you Endobaby, from my chubba bubba to your chubba bubba!

Strange symptom this time - I had to empty my bowels a few times a day. If I don't go I feel like I will explode. Bloodtest either tomorrow or thursday. Then first scan on 7th Feb.

The Catch Up

2009-01-17T19:22:00.003+09:00

Where do I start?

Back in September/October, when the second pregnancy didn't work out, tissue from the D&C was sent to the lab for analysis - a post mortem so to speak. It was costly considering how routine this test actually is. I read in the newspaper today that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So after what seemed to be weeks of waiting, heartbreakingly I wanted to find out the sex of the baby because at least I can mourn my little embryo with a gender-appropriate name (despite naming her initally as Penelope), the results came conclusively and dismissively as `insufficient tissue to conduct analysis'. I never get to find out why things didn't work out.

Weeks of mild depression, followed by constant nagging by close family and relatives that my little Poopee is not talkative - at all. My Poopee was 19 months old when we took her to the doctors for a routine hearing test - since this is the first thing they test if a toddler is not verbal. I never suspected anything - really - she is totally gorgeous. She communicates well (just not verbally) with other people, makes good eye contact, loves engaging in people with small jibberish talk, and has a pretty good understanding of our instructions to her. In two, even three languages.

The hearing test was a negative. Sounds couldn't travel past her ear drums, which means she has only partial or no hearing - which may explain her lack of speech. We were referred to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, whom referrred us to an Audiologist and did a more comprehensive hearing test. Similar results. She had some degree of hearing but there was definitely a loss. The Ear specialist tried to look into her ears to see past the eardrum (checking for glue ears), he discovered her eardrum was completely covered up with wax, so much so that he couldn't even see her eardrum.

December 15th 2008, worst day of my life. My Poopee was scheduled into the hospital she was born in (ironically). Doctor had to give her ears a good clean (whilst she was under general anesthethic), and to check for glue ears. For glue ears he had to pierce her eardrums with the tiniest of needle and insert tiny little grommits to allow dry air circulation. This is all to improve her hearing.

I had to hold her down whilst they insert the needle into her wrist, the drugs to make her go to sleep. I know that needle, the last time that needle went into my wrist I was at my D&C. That needle really hurt. They did that to my poor Poopee twice because the first time didn't hit a vein. She was wailing and screaming and crying out in pain as I held her down. I had to be supported out of the theatre because I was crying so much I couldn't even walk. I wasn't a very strong mum for Poopee unfortunately.

It was over and one with within five minutes. Poopee woke up very pissed off. The good news was she didn't have glue ears. So no grommits were needed. She just had ALOT of wax in her ears. So much that it impaired her hearing. Her hearing has now been restored.

Since then we noticed only a slight improvement in her speech. She doesn't copy words well, and only uses a few words. I am a bit terrified that there is something else wrong with her speech abilities, though Apeman thinks I worry too much. She is now 22 months. Yes she is slow with her speech, but she will catch up. In the mean time we have regular sessions with a speech therapist to help us.

And on top of all the medical appointments and constant worrying over her speech and eating (or the lack of) - I developed insomnia. I laid in bed for 10 hours whilst Poopee sleep peacefully away, wide awake. Even sleep aid in both natural and medical ingredients didn't help. The worst was sleeping just two hours in four days. It was worst than dying. For me anyway.

Thankfully I regained my ability to sleep as soon as Poopee had her surgery. I stopped worrying and slept well since. But am afraid it will happen again.

Then December 27th, Apeman left that night for a work trip. He said he was keen for a baby (again) so let's get it on etc. We did it just before he left for the airport.

Biiiiiiiiiiiiig.

Two days before my period was due (things been very regular since my D&C), I felt really tired, so tired even after a restful night of sleep. The day my period was due, January 11th 2009, I bought a pregnancy test kit and peed on it. Two lines very quickly.

I was stunned. To have it happen again, like this.

This time I am completely cool about it. I am going to sit tight, and wait for a blood test next friday. Seven weeks scan already booked in with my good doctor.

Hello from an old friend from far far away

2009-01-16T20:18:00.002+09:00

Still here. Thanks to those who have been dropping by!

Lots of things happened. I will post about them later when Apeman gives me more than two minutes on this damn computer.

Nearly five weeks pregnant again. I feel pretty numb. Not as nervous as last time. And don't feel pregnant either. Just bone tired and want to empty my bowels alot.

I am not going to stress about something that is completely beyond my control. I will not.

I listen to myself

2008-09-30T23:19:00.002+08:00

Today has been an okay day. Poopee ate all her meals, she pooped a couple of times (which is usual for us), and she is just her usual gorgeous self. But active. Very active. Chasing around the shops active.

Took her to the shops to have professional photos done today. I jumped in for a couple of cute mum and daughter shots. Just how can this be possible, me having a daughter, a little girl so gorgeous I ask to kiss her all the time (not that she has a choice).

There are still many nights I think about my little peanut, my small little heartbeat. I think about what-ifs, I think about what to do next year around his/her due date. And once again, I find it difficult to be around pregnant women. Damn that. double damn that. I thought I was cured. This friday I am going to dodge a planned outing with several mums from playgroup. One of the non-regular mums is already pregnant and is showing and is dying to show us her baby bump. I am not ready for that yet.

A distant friend phoned today. She had her daugther a little less than a year after Poopee was born. She told me she is returning to the workforce next week, and asked me, without alot of tact I must say, when am I going to start looking for work again since Poopee is so old already.

Well. My mouth quivered and uttered a whole heap of excuses, using keyphrases such as `she is sick all the time', `worried she might climb out of her cot and nobody is watching her', `don't trust childcare facilities', `maybe wait till she turns two'. She wasn't too convinced and dug further and assured me childcare facilites are more than fine etc. I felt terrible afterwards. I felt a little useless. I felt like maybe it is time to get a job.

Then five minutes passed. I got angry.

I know what I want. I have always known. I wanted to be a mum for so damn long, and now that I am a mum, I will be a stay at home mum for as long as I fucking want and for as long as it is financially secure enough for us to do so. I want to spend my day hanging out with my daughter, and spend an hour in the afternoon napping together. I just wish I had the courage and the right frame of mind to say that to her. Bitch.

The D and C

2008-09-10T23:08:00.003+08:00

So the D&C happened on Monday. I actually started to bleed a little heavier the night before, with some decent cramps on Sunday afternoon. But I didn't bleed any heavy tissue or clots. It was just like a normal period if I tried not to think about what is actually inside.

But it was not meant to be, I was not meant to have the failure of the pregnancy resolved naturally. I went to the hospital myself early Monday morning by Taxi, leaving my two loves at home. Just sad to think later on that day I was to return home alone. Just myself.

I only slept an hour the night before. But I felt freshly awake.

I was given a couple of sedatives to help me relax prior to the procedure, which I was thankful for, and it felt like only five minutes had passed before the orderlies wheeled me into the theatre. My doctor spoke to me before, gently asking me if I was okay and patted me on the knee for reassurance. He asked for my consent to carry out a chromosome check on the embryo and endometrial products afterwards. I agreed.

I didn't have a last thought before I went unconscious, I really regret it now. I wish I have a nice thought, or at least think about something sentimental before I went under. But no it didn't happen. The next thing I know I woke up with a male orderly looking down at me, he said something I couldn't understand, but that's when I knew it was finally over.

Then back in my room - I cannot exactly remember crying but I must have because I was asked if I needed to see a chaplin. Not religious myself, but I felt it will be comforting to see a chaplin. The chaplin thankfully was a warmly spoken woman who held my hand and listened to me talked jibberish between sobs. She asked if I wanted her to say a prayer for us I agreed. It was really beautiful, she asked God for a warm spot in his beautiful place for my little peanut. She later gave me a soft love heart made of fabric and wool. Something tangible to hold onto. It was yellow with white little spots on it. The prettiest and happiest colour on the palette.

Later when Apeman came to pick me up, we went to the chapel within the hospital complex and I lit a candle.

And then we return home.

2008-09-04T22:01:00.003+08:00

Still waiting for the much dreaded miscarriage. More than a week on.

Thanks to everyone who dropped by, quite a few new names and faces. Thank you so much to each of you. It really means alot to me.

I had some serious cramps the day after the final ultrasound. And since then I had a few small bleeds, but it is very light and it comes and goes. The uterus feels very heavy tonight. It feels like things are going to drop any second. I am so scared. I don't know if I am ready to see my pregnancy on its way out.

I talked to a mum friend, who had a similar experience recently (baby stopped growing at 6 weeks), and she described to me in detail what happened during her miscarriage. I want to be prepared for it. So upon her suggestion, I now permanently sit on a super-sized pad in case it happens.

I had been in contact with my doctor and he has organised a D&C for me upon my request. It will happen next Monday regardless of whether a natural misscarriage happens prior. It is not my intention to have medical intervention, to have my sweet little embryo sucked out of me, but because my body is not releasing the pregnancy naturally, I think this is the only other option. It breaks my heart thinking about it, the D&C. I am in pain. I still cry. I no longer enjoy my only solitary time at night - my shower - because I cry. So many things I want to say but don't know how to.

The irony is I am still getting a nauseous feeling at night. It is so sick. I have this sick feeling in my throat, just like I did when I was pregnant with Poopee, and during this pregnancy with Penelope. I don't know why I am still getting this terrible feeling. It just makes me even sadder.

I have won the lottery once already. I never ask for more. I never dare to ask for a miracle to happen twice. But it did and now it has been taken away. But this is not the reason I am sad, I am sad because I saw another life inside me. And then it wasn't living.

I now only wish for one thing - for my sweet little soul to have a beautiful place to go to. Somewhere nurturing, somewhere sweet, and never sad. Too precious. To have but not to hold.

Sweet Penelope

2008-08-27T19:05:00.002+08:00

That is the name I have given her. Penelope - a very pretty and sweet name, something Apeman doesn't seem to agree on but is happy for me to use it as a `for now' name. And I assume it is a girl - because a gift as precious as this will be another girl for me. The sweetness of holding a baby girl again. A gift. Beyond blessed.

Bleeding started up again yesterday so after much discussion with Apeman, we have decided to head down to the emergency department for some help. Bleeding at 8.5 weeks is very unsettling especially since the bleeding seems to have stopped the past week. Pelvic scan showed a very faint picture so the doctor went vaginal ultrasound-way.

The expression on the doctor's face is not one I am familiar with.

My little peanut has a very faint, if valid, heartbeart. You can hardly see it, which is unusal for an 8.5 week old foetus. And sadly, she only measures just under the size of a 6 week old foetus. And judging by the dates, if I am correct about the dates, everything looks bad. My little peanut just couldn't grow. She couldn't keep growing. She didn't grow in the past weeks when I am busily thinking about prams and new sleeping arrangements and small, tiny little newborn nappies. And my arms around two beautiful children.

My referral letter wrote `missed abortion'.

I had to call my good doctor immediately. He heard the numbers and organised for me to immediately head down to his rooms for a second scan. A few hours later, by the time I was on his examination table, my little peanut's heartbeat is gone.

I hardly even have time to digest her first pictures and she is gone.

I am to wait for another week, to see if my body will let Peanut go naturally, if not I am to have the option of a D&C. I was given a bunch of pregnancy loss pamphlets by the hospital to read. Including various methods of `letting go conception tissue'. A terrible, terrible use of words for me at this stage. Terrible.

I don't want you to go Penelope. I have a song for you. You will always be mine.

Waiting

2008-08-17T15:37:00.002+08:00

It is still slowly sinking in - the idea of being pregnant again.

Never in my widest dreams - never in all of the many visions I've had, never.

Soon after my last post I found a wee bit of brown spotting, which grew to a red spotting over the next week. I still have a bit here and there, but as much as I would like to check all the time - who has the time to check for bleeding when you are running after a very cheeky and active 17 month old?

Went through the `normal' channels of getting pregnancy support - a local GP whom I have never seen before (my usual GP was unavailable at the time). He wrote me up bloodwork request for a 12 week scan. I reminded him that I am spotting so he chucked that bit of paperwork out, and re-wrote me two pieces of bloodtest request over a period of three days, to check for - get this - FULL BLOOD COUNT. Not E2, not HCG, not P4, but it is very important to check for full blood count this week - twice. So obviously I was a little surprised when I rang for results they told me they have no idea how pregnant I am, or why I am spotting. But my full blood count is good. So good that I am to do it again the next day.

Well - so much for dealing with this GP. I threw the other bit of paperwork out and rang my good doctor (OBS) - he sent me straight away to his fertility clinic and had the proper blood tests done.

HCG and P4 was ALOT lower than what I had with Poopee around the same time.

~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 4600, P4 = 37 (this time)
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 12,000, P4 = 70 (Poopee)

Today (a week later) - numbers have doubled nicely and looks like we might be able to keep this little one. First scan scheduled in two weeks time. I have no idea how pregnant I am, because HCG is not indicative of the pregnancy unless you have a scan to go with it - but roughly working the numbers out - this little one is due on the same day Poopee did. (But Poopee arrived at 38 weeks). Very, very bizarre.

Apeman is stoked, I am a little scared, a bit unprepared. Even Poopee can sense the new life inside of me - she reaches into my top and pinches the left nipple alot this week - as if to make claim of that nipple before her brother/sister gets a hold of it. Strange little things.

WDF?

2008-08-09T18:43:00.002+08:00

Realised this morning my persistent chin/jaw acne has suddenly disappeared. I looked into the mirror and saw a clear faced Drew - but also a very tired, haggard looking Drew.

I thought - oh my God. I am pregnant.

We went out to the markets to buy fresh fruits and veges, then dropped by a pharmacy to pick up a 2-test pregnancy test kit. Went home - peed on some sticks.

Two lines.

My first words - WHAT THE FUCK!?!!! (Quite unlike our tears of joy with Poopee).

Fifteen minutes later - peed on another stick.

Two lines. Again. Very quickly.

I am pregnant.

I think about five to five and a half weeks? Maybe six?

I am in shock at the moment. Me and Apeman were wondering how can this second miracle happen when we only had sex once this month. I still remember it - during Jamie Oliver's show about bad eating - the one where a few bodies were dissected in front of the audience.

No idea what to do next at the moment as I am battling a bad virus (coughing, blocked nose, headache, fatigue) and looking after a sick Poopee.

Will see what happens next. I just,

just cannot believe this.

All those years of fertility treatment. I - we - feel very, very blessed.

That same old loving feeling

2008-08-03T13:51:00.002+08:00

Poopee's been sick with a nasty flu she caught from her cousins. Poor thing was coughing all night and has a pretty high temperature. Many times I wish it was me who has the cough and fever. Not my baby. :(

Poopee now 16 months. She had her first playgroup fight the other day with a boy a little bigger than her. She snatched something off him, he snatched it back from her, she chased him down and snatched it back. He tried to snatch it back and after much tugging and pulling they both fell on the floor. Cruelly I was in hysterics (with the other mothers in the playgroup!) because since knowing these babies from birth - we just witnessed our first FIGHT!

Walked past a newsagency and saw some hardcover children's books. I picked up a cute one about a little pig called Penelope. And just when I was about to leave and pay for the book, I saw a cheap one (for $5!) called A world of Baby Names. I flipped through it quickly and realise it was full of old medieval names like Anand and Hibah and Meade. I guess it is better than calling your little ray of sunshine Grass or Raindrops or Moonbeam. It was $5 so I bought it.

I am not trying for a baby. But Apeman is. So in between I guess we have some sort of try-not-try situation. My period has been eerily regular since I got it back earlier this year - it is a week late this month but I honestly think it is just around the corner. I am too scared to even do a test or think about babies (though that Baby Names book is not going to help). I am just happy with the way things are at the moment. Life is already good.

Will see what happens.

The birthday party

2008-05-09T22:17:00.011+08:00

Took Poopee to her first ever birthday party - a friend's 4 year old birthday party.

It was quite a strange experience. Very awkward moments indeed.

I was bombarded with twenty or so women - all mothers or mothers to be, lavishing attention to their own babies/children and/or other people's babies/children, discussing certain impending births, and in particular - a friend of a friend's who just gave birth this morning (hmm.. ahh...her water broke first then it was over and done with very quickly!).

It was mumzilla overdrive. The chaos nearly sent my otherwise idle ovary into ovulation overdrive.

Me and Poopee had a pretty nice time. She wanted to explore the house, walking rather wobbly with me partially supporting her. A few mums commented that my full-headed girl look a little like Suri Cruise - the Asian version of course. It is rather complimentary to be told my gorgeousness resembles the child of movie stars. But not so complimented to think I might have given birth silently like Katie.

New trick today - she has developed a temper. You take an object of interest off her hand - she chucks the biggest tantrum and jumps up and down to display her dissatisfaction/anger - and if you EVEN try to pacify her with another toy - she grabs it and throws it away with as much force as possible.

Nice work, darling.

Where did I go?

2008-05-08T22:17:00.005+08:00

Been reading this book.

Incredible, incredible stuff. I cannot believe how much this woman had endured, and how much the people who had hurt her got away with all those years. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I read about her experiences.

These child molesters should be locked away for good. Throw the key away. Jail is too good for them.

Got my first real period last week. I had a two year break from aunt-flow. Throughout my pregnancy I was too scared to see even a tiny speck of blood - so it was always dreaded. And during Poopee's first year - I was happy to be relieved from it because a raging period is not something that goes well with lack of sleep and other baby maintenance activities.

Even before I reached for my first bag of sanitary napkins - Apeman gleefully announced to me that it is Time To Try For A Second ONE.

`A second one of what?'

`A BABY! A sister or brother for M......'.

Haven't quite made up my mind about this second baby business. I am enjoying my gorgeous girl way too much to even think about the possibility of a second baby. Too lazy now. Don't want to tread (even if it is slowly) down the infertility roller-coaster. I had to remind Apeman that just because we had one baby successfully does not necessary mean the next baby is going to be easy come.

Plus I think I need at least two years (or some nafty plastic surgery) to recover from all that pulling my Poopee is doing to my nipples. Yikes!

My girl

2008-04-06T23:22:00.003+08:00

Poopee turned one two weeks ago.

I threw her a big, pink, girly party.

She is not quite walking on her own yet, but she is a little cheeky monkey - crawling and climbing everywhere and everything.

My favourite thing to do with her is to pull `KISS' faces by sticking our tongues out in front of the mirror whilst doing the rock n roll gesture with our fingers.

Everyday is beautiful with her.

Oh What a year!

2007-12-30T19:05:00.001+09:00

Just want to say this:

A fabulous year indeed.

If two years ago, somebody tapped me on the shoulder and said - hey - two Christmases later you will be a mum - you will sit under the Christmas tree and open presents up with a baby who is your sweetness and light - I will probably tell that person yeah right. Thanks for giving me hope but I just can't see it happening.

But it did. And everything fell into place, and I am a mother. Wow. So happy everyday with my Poopee. Even now she has teeth and bites where it hurts most. Even with our continued broken nights. Everything pales in comparison to the times I get to spend with my Poopee.

I sincerely would like to wish everybody much happiness for 2008. To my cyberfriends who drop in every now and then, those whose dreams have been fulfilled, and those who are still patiently struggling through. Cheers and beers for everybody.

Love to you.

The Helicopter Parent

2007-12-05T22:35:00.000+09:00

Always the late bloomer, for the first time since Poopee was born, I had my first `outing' - a.k.a. all by myself - for more than four hours. I went to have my hair rebonded.

Frank convinced me to give some time to myself, so he volunteered his mother to babysit Poopee whilst I had my hair done. I thought about it for at least two months already, especially since I have so much trouble dealing with my mother in law.

I drove over to her place, I gave her my packed bags (yes, bagzzz), I thanked her, blew Poopee a kissy wissy, and then I walked out of the door quickly before I change my mind. The moment the door was closed I heard my baby cry, it wasn't a tantrum cry - it was a fearful cry. I banged on the door, MIL opened up and I saw my baby with big tears and red rimmed eyes. I walked in and asked to hold Poopee (and she reached out for me) and I started to cry too.

Probably think I am nuts. Can't help it.

I am sure I will be much better with this separation thing next time.

In the end - I went, I have nice straight hair again.

Poopee was fine too. From what I heard later, Apeman had to drive MIL back to our house with Poopee because she was terrified of her new surroundings (and of MIL). She was happy as soon as she's home. And happier once she saw me four hours later.

It finally happened!

2007-11-16T23:09:00.000+09:00

Well, nearly anyway.

I tried to sit my nearly eight month old Poopee up next to me today on our love seat. She is still a little wobbly sitting up on her own, so we need lots of practice.

Just as she had steadied herself, she leaned on me, with both arms encircling my waist, and looked up. It was the closest thing to a voluntary hug (with the alternative being my bear hugs to her). She brushed my arms gently (with the alternative being the lashing of my flesh with her sharp nails), and mumbled `Ma Ma'.

I think it was just a part of her speech development as a baby, she started saying `Ba ba ba ba...' since six and a half months to just about anybody including Apeman (not a good look when she calls out `Ba ba' to the butcher), but it was only recently she started the `Ma ma' thing. Today it is the first time she looked to me and say it.

Hey I will take it. Whether or not she means it that's good enough for me. She reduced me to tears. I have been waiting to hear that for a very long time.

And then she's nearly eight months

2007-11-15T22:41:00.000+09:00

She is all sweetness and light. As corny as it may sound - she is the very reason I wake up every morning feeling in love and be loved.

Even though my love-bug is a frequent waker during the night. Sometimes as much as five or six times per night.

But oh, I am so, so in love.

Aunty Drew: `You know, I am totally in love with Megan.'

Niece (8 years old): `Aunty Drew, you know there are laws against things like this.'

Aunty Drew: *Gup*

Max

2007-09-22T16:44:00.000+08:00

Our beloved Max passed away last night after a very sudden complication with his bowels, and two surgeries conducted as a result of that. His bowels apparently twisted severely, possibly from a genetic disorder, causing him excruitiating pain.

We are not taking it well at all. We miss him so much. Our house is never the same again with our favourite son. I still look out at the backyard and expect him to run towards us urging us to play ball with him.

We love you Max. Mummy miss you very much. Thank you for being there for every single heartache we suffered the past few years. It was a pleasure to have you as a part of the family.

Vomit

2007-09-16T19:07:00.000+08:00

I am not a particularly bitchy person. I don't ever hold grudges against anybody - if I ever get angry enough to hate a person - it usually lasts as long as my short term memory - which is pretty short.

But right now, at this moment, I really want to yank my mother in law, by the head, and throw her out of my house.

Poopee became sick a few days ago. It was as per the doctor diagnosed - a common cold. As soon as she found out Poopee's sick, she nearly ramped her SVU into the post box on my driveway, creating skid marks, just to see Poopee. She threw me an angry look and said, `Is your daughter sick?' - as if its entirely my fault and my failure as a mother. When she saw Poopee - she was like, `Oh my God! You poor thing, don't worry grandma's here, you must be in a lot of pain you poor thing.'

I had the scary urge of doing that yank hair throw out of house thing.

Before I had a chance to do so - she had a go at me for taking her out to dinner the previous night, which, I must add, it was a dinner she participated in as well. Her sons wanted to take her out to dinner, and she didn't exactly turn the opportunity down. She said Poopee's now sick because we were `greedy' for restaurant food.

I don't know how to react to that comment except to say well then, we won't go out again at night for dinner. It's difficult - the typical reaction to that comment should be a stern `GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE'. But in my case, due to Apeman's closeness to his mother, it is difficult for me to have such a big reaction towards his saintly mother. It will cause a certain marriage rift. He has, on many occasions, tell me I should tell his mother exactly how I feel, but how can you? This woman doesn't listen. At times she is happy to humour me and do what I told her to, but eventually revert to what she feels is best. Other times she will speak down to me as if I am retarded. And anyway, how can I use Apeman's version of `stern language' and tell his mother where to go? She's bound to get upset and therefore causing troubles between me and Apeman.

I should be at my happiest. And I am in some ways. I look at my girl everyday and see that beautiful face of hers and wonder - how can we be so damn lucky? But lately, with my mother in law visiting us nearly every day (now that she has a reason to - Poopee), and spending up to four hours with us - watching us eat (she won't eat anything I cooked and look at what I cooked with an amused look), hogging Poopee, watching TV with us, talking to Apeman as if I don't exist - I feel like I want to vomit everytime I hear her car pulls up at our driveway. I want to throw her out even before she has a chance to get into our house. But I can't.

She makes me so unhappy. She makes me feel so unworthy sometimes with the things she say to me. And when I tell Apeman about it - he tells me its just the way his mum speaks. But it hurts. Everytime.

I must sound pathetic to you. I can't even stand up to this person in my own house.

Amusingly, she even told me I should stop breastfeeding Poopee when she was four months old. I found out later that it's because she expects me to return to the workforce and she will take over the full time care of my precious beloved. So it is easier for her for Poopee to be on formula.

This is one thing I can promise - not over my dead body will she be caring for my daughter.

The Passports

2007-09-05T20:37:00.000+08:00

I can only write this quickly as Poopee is currently strapped unwillingly to her $14.95 stroller. From the gibberish baby noises she is making, it sounds a bit like `THIS IS SO NOT COOL MUM.'

We received our passports via special delivery today. I had to renew mine, and Poopee needs a spanking new one. Just want to say the way they want you to be photographed is plain crap. No smiles, no smirks, no sideway flattery shots (as per Mariah Carey who always gets photographed from her right hand side because its prettier). Me and Poopee ended up looking like constipated prison escapees with no soul.

Poopee still managed to look like a doll though. :)

She turned five months...

2007-08-22T19:36:00.001+08:00

This time last year I was hoping and praying. I was probably sitting in the hospital emergency room waiting to be seen by a doctor due to first trimester spotting.

Today my baby girl turns five months.

Happy fifth month birthday darling. Mummy is so incredibly proud and grateful to have you wake up next to me every morning.

Strike Two

2007-08-17T10:32:00.000+08:00

My mother in law yesterday decided that it is necessary to visit twice a day just to get enough baby time with Poopee. She has been asking me lots of questions lately about (me) returning to work etc. I never even hinted to her that I want to return to work.

She walked into our bedroom, looked down at our (sound) asleep Poopee. I decided to leave her alone so she can watch Poopee in peace. Within seconds, I saw her coming out of our bedroom with a (now) awoken Poopee in arms. She always does this. She comes over, and wakes my Poopee up just so she can play with her.

It's fine if she is here once a week or something. But twice a day does not give her the right to wake my baby up whenever she wants. She is a supposingly experienced mother herself, she should know better than to wake up a sleepy baby, especially since it has taken me more than an hour to put her to sleep.

I don't know if I should lose it with her. I am fucking angry.

The sign

2007-08-11T16:31:00.000+08:00

One day we took a small trip to the local shops. As we stopped at the red light, I looked behind to check on Poopee, I saw her spikey haired head bobbing up and down, making baby gurgling noises that was music to my ears. Then I saw the BABY ON BOARD signage stuck to the rear window of our SUV.

That reminded me years ago, right after my second or third IVF cycle failure, I was dragged to a Baby-Pregnancy expo by a non-friend. A stall selling child restraint gear was giving those signages out for free. A woman handed me one as I walked past, I accpeted, and tucked it in a bag full of Ribena drinks I purchased that day.

We moved house twice since then. The signage travelled with us. It was moved from one drawer to another, tucked in a box, thrown away twice, retrieved and cleaned again, and eventually was lost in a pile of infertility collectibles including DVDs from specialist fertility centres from the US, my glory ovaries photos, my surgery photos, my IVF bills.

Right after the birth of Poopee, when I was cleaning up the room for her, I found this signage. I finally have the opportunity and legit reason to use it. I have a baby. In a car. With me.

Poopee and I came a long way. Though she's only four and a half months old, I feel like I have known her forever.

We Fend for ourselves...

2007-07-18T20:47:00.000+08:00

Apeman left us to go on his first business trip since the birth of Poopee.

It's tough, but since I do most things for Poopee (apart from the odd nappy change during the night by Apeman), it isn't anymore difficult when he's not around.

But the loneliness gets to me. Not having an adult person to talk to at the end of the day to share Poopee stories is tough. Can't go out either. That killer flu is going around in Perth at the moment - so better not risk it by taking Poopee out.

Was so excited today, because Poopee was lying in her portacot, and suddenly I saw her trying to lift herself up (a bit like doing a sit-up). It was so cute and hilarious at the same time, a real shame Apeman's not here to see it. My Poopee lights up my day by giving the biggest toothless grins, and she giggles, really giggles whenever she sees my boobies.

Oh - and she recently learnt how to kiss me. When I lean over her for a kiss she opens her mouth to receive me. Moments like these makes me want to freeze it and keep this memory forever and ever.

My Sweetness

2007-07-04T19:07:00.000+08:00

Poopee was conceived around this time last year.

Wow.

Sitting up with some support from Apeman.

My little eskimo.

I simply cannot stop kissing her and holding her. So much. So much that I need to have physiotheraphy for my wounded wrist (for constantly holding this 7kg love-heart of mine).

Look Ma - no hands!

2007-06-19T17:37:00.000+08:00

In my own little retarded world of breastfeeding, whenever Poopees calls for a breastfeed in public, I feel like I need to proof to the world that I can do it PROPERLY like everyone else.

I have joined a mothers' group in a local community centre, spending a few hours a week with some other groovy mums. Sometimes I have to breastfeed Poopee just to calm her down. I see other mums in the group doing it oh so graciously. It was baby on one arm, top up, latch on, and moments of peace soon after. Just like the movies.

For me and Poopee it was lots of awkard cradling and wrestling (since we don't have a cushion with us), me flashing my full boob at everybody, me holding Poopee in an ultra contorted awkard position, Poopee trying to latch on, me accidentally pulling her off my nipple because I was loosing grip, me grimacing with pain, Poopee with the loudest suck in the room - it was SLURP SLURP SLURP.... followed by a loud burp and fart.

It was all in good fun. Me and my girl rocks the mothers group.

Speechless

2007-06-14T19:33:00.000+08:00

What is wrong with people these days?

Just a week after Baby Catherine was abandoned, another new born baby girl was left wrapped in towels, on the doorstep of a church. She suffered from hyperthermia due to the cold (I get teary just thinking of the little tinker left in the cold to fend for herself).

Then the unspeakable happened, just a few suburbs away from mine, a dead baby boy who was only days old was found in the rubbish tip. His mother had thrown him out like trash into the household rubbish bin. The authorities haven't released any details as to how the baby died, but they are appealing for the mother to come forward.

And here we are, women who have problems with fertility, battled years of IVF and hormone treatments and suffered numerous heartaches, trying to have that miracle baby at all costs - whilst other people are throwing them out like trash. Sure, I have sympathy for people who under their own circumstances cannot bring up a child and felt the need to give the child away, but if people are knowledgable enough to have sex, unprotected sex for that matter, they should be knowledgable enough to make a wiser decision about how to handle an unwanted baby. There are proper adoption routes they can take, and community is available - you don't just leave a baby out in the cold, or to simply throw them out. I hope the little baby boy did not suffer, I really, really hope so.

Poopee has just started to make her first baby gurgling sounds. She loves a good conversation with me, and even watch TV with me together. I feel so blessed to have her, everyday.

Baby Catherine

2007-06-04T17:25:00.000+08:00

Stories about abandoned babies certainly tugs my heart strings. This one more than ever.

I read an article from WHO magazine on Baby Catherine recently, there were two pictures of the beautiful little baby. Her baby features are so similar to my own Poopee (despite being from a completely different race), but still, looking at her baby lips and eyes, baby cheeks...made me cried.

She will never know the comforts of suckling from her mother, to be loved and held because she was wanted and needed. She will know eventually when she grows up that she was left in a cardboard box on Mother's day. Just the thought of that makes me teary.

I pray hard for Catherine to be fostered by the best of families, to have somebody to love her so much that love words will be whispered into her ears just like I do to my own.

Today I would like to shoot...

2007-05-28T15:18:00.000+08:00

my mother in law.

After she practically moved in with us during Poopee's first month, we somehow managed to get the house key back from her (we didn't give her the key in the first place). Somehow with her getting in and out of the house all hours of the day didn't sit well with me.

No.

She has an opinion on everything, and is not afraid to tell me what a bad mother I am because I don't know how to put a cardigan on my daughter, my breastfeeding routine is wrong, the fabrics of the grow-suits I bought for Poopee are of poor quality, I don't know how to change Poopee properly, I am the one RESPONSIBLE for giving Poopee a slight nappy rash because I didn't wipe her properly...etc etc etc.

I was simply too tired, and too emotional to fight her. I offered fimble explanations, she brushed my explanations off as being too `new age' - after she has looked after 3 children of her own and four grandchildren. So she is ALWAYS right.

My breaking point was one day last week, Poopee did the biggest poopee in her nappy, and without asking me, MIL picked up my child and declared it is time to bath. In the past I refused to let her bath my child because I maintained that I want to do everything myself. This time she wanted to do it just to SHOW me how it's done - properly. I was too tired to protest so I followed her into the bathroom like a little girl.

Bad moment of weakness on my part.

She started to lecture me about my technique. She said she overhead Poopee's cries during her bathtime (I should never let her into the house), and said it is probably because I am too quick to get her into the water and frightened the living lights out of her. I said not all babies enjoy bathtimes - some babies cry. She said, ALL BABIES ENJOY THEIR BATHS. No babies will cry like Poopee did.

So on her high horse, she begin her perfect bathing technique. And guess what, Poopee cried. She cried real good.

And then, she told me it is because the water I prepared was too hot. I was boiling the poor baby, she said babies need to have luke warm water.

I said - this is luke warm water. See? (Dipping my elbow into the water). This is luke warm. Even the midwives in the hospital said this is perfectly okay.

She said - no - it has to be cooler. This is hot water. Not lukewarm. You are burning your own child.

My eyes were wide open in shock - THIS IS LUKWARM WATER. My god - any cooler than this my daugther will be bathing in cold water.

Afterwards I was so angry, so FUCKING angry, because she was doubting my abilities as a mother, she always want to be right, she wants to have the last word. And how can I argue with her? She looked after 7 children compared to my 1.

When she knocks on the door these days (we took the house key back), I am going to pretend I didn't hear it. I really want to kick her off her fucking high horse and give her a dose of reality. The reality that I AM Poopee's mother, not her.

And you know what the worse thing is? When she comes over, she takes Poopee off my arms straight away, and refuses to give back until she leaves - which can be hours later. I don't want to be petty like her, and fights to carry my own child, so I let her. But it makes me feel so vulnerable that she feels it is her given right to take Poopee away from me when she wants. She really is a very frightening human being. She can't wait until I return to work, hopefully soon, so she can look after Poopee and give her the best care.

But I'm afraid, not even over my dead body.

All advice on how to deal with his person are welcome. Apeman knows his mom is the equivalent of Hitler. But he soothes me by saying his mom is only here these days for `quick' visits, so I should just let her be. She shouldn't walk into MY house and tell me what to do.

The Vaccination Story

2007-05-22T18:24:00.000+08:00

Not much to tell really, except I saw a massive needle heading towards the direction of my beloved's baby thigh, nearly all of that needle plunged into her flesh. There were cries of pain and agony. Then the other baby thigh was offered. Yet another needle, which I was told hurts even more than the first needle, was plunged into tender baby flesh again. More cries of agony, tears rolling down cheeks. I quickly sat up and cuddled Poopee close to me.

I looked down at the face of my baby-cake, she was fast asleep already - like it never happened.

The tears were all mine.

Sigh....we do it again in two months time.

The Post-Natal Checkup

2007-05-21T17:30:00.000+08:00

So anyhoo I went for my post-natal checkup last thursday. It was exactly 8 weeks ago since I gave birth.

My single stitch had healed long ago, even as soon as I left the hospital after four days. Everything feels pretty much back to normal except I am now a little loose down there. The bleeding stopped after four/five weeks. But it came back in two separate occasions - the last time was last week. So I was a little worried about Poopee leaving something behind inside my uterus.

The Good Doctor sent me off to do a pelvic scan. The uterus looked fine - no debri left behind. There was even a developing follicle, which scared the living hell out of me when it was pointed out to me (it used to excite me to the nth degree, it used to give me so much joy to see a developing follicle). Fortunately it was on the wrong side (the little ovary that grew back, and with no traffic to the uterus).

Which brings me to the next big discussion with the Good Doctor - to use contraception or not from hereon.

Pfft....contraception. It used to be a dirty word for me. It was a joke. I WAS the walking contraception. No pills needed. Isn't this all very ironic? I was discussing contraception with my fertility doctor.

Apeman is very keen to make Poopee II. Drew is very happy and content with her life with new Poopee, and is keen to enjoy life with my precious bub as much as possible minus all of the reproduction dramas we experienced in the past years. Apeman thinks Poopee needs a sibling, we should tempt fate and try for another baby. Drew thinks if Apeman wants another baby he better learn how to self-reproduce.

To be honest, I am just plain scared to step into the baby-making minefield again. Although I have done it once, I am not sure if I can do it again. Plus I am not prepared to go down the IVF road again - which conviniently, we don't have anymore embryos left from our last cycle. Only two days ago, I had the pleasure of throwing out my remaining IVF kits containing leftover drugs and some needles. It feels really weird, a bit like breaking up a bad drug habit.

So the conclusion with regard to the contraception question was, I won't go on the pill in the short term because we can't be THAT lucky. pretty stupid I know, but we honestly cannot be that lucky. And who has time for sex these days anyway, I rather sit down and eat a good meal. :>)

That's why I wanted to be a mom

2007-05-18T16:04:00.000+08:00

Updates

2007-05-07T18:07:00.000+08:00

Feels like a million years ago since I last blogged.

These days, getting a feed myself so I can have sufficient energy is the most important thing. Other things, which used to be important in my life, such as getting my faced washed in the morning, putting on creams, getting my hair dead straight just the way I like it, reading the newspaper, putting on proper clothes, sleeping ... everthing seems so secondary, and unimportant. When Poopee's awake, which seems to be 95% of the day (and sometimes at night), everything that belongs to me, or what I feel is important, suddenly goes out the door.

Is this normal? Am I doing this properly?? Looks like I am not doing this motherhood thing as graciously as I anticipated I would. Ha!

Poopee today weighs a healthy 3.4kg, and measures 55cm. She has gained more than 1.2kg since birth. She's developed a real cheeky attitude, she wants to be hold all the time (which I don't mind, and love it when she falls asleep in my arms), and when she's left alone in her cot, she screams bloody murder!!!!!! So that's why these days there isn't alot of time for myself. She breastfeeds well now. Sometimes she just am not that interested so I give her the bottle. I guess I am pretty lucky that Poopee is so versatile with the two options. She has also given us plenty of cheeky smiles, so beautiful that Apeman holds her and kisses her all the time, acting as if he is the only person in the world who made a baby.

The isolation is getting to me though. Since negotiating with my mother in law, she has toned down on her `visits' to just once a day. Sometimes she doesn't show up at all just to give me some time alone with the baby. Although I appreciate this new found time away from my mother in law, the time on my own is starting to get to me. I hope to start venturing out on my own and do things real soon. Like joining a mothers group or something.

And.... this is an interesting discovery, has any of you new mothers tried having a boooink with your other half yet? I tried two weeks ago. Apeman and I tried to do it for the first time since I found out I was pregnant last year (yes...that long...). The moment he went inside I said, `I feel so loose.' He said the same. If I feel loose imagine what it's like for him. It just got too depressing so we stopped. He said we will have sex again when Poopee's 18 months old to try for a second baby.

I said, you can wait longer because there ain't going to be a second baby. I feel blessed already with Poopee. A second baby will be like winning the lottery twice, and I don't want to tempt fate.

Now....for me, it's time to get back to the baby. It's time for a nappy change for the 143th time today. Poopees loves a good shit.

The longest sleepwalk

2007-04-20T09:48:00.000+08:00

Hands up in the air like I just don't care...

Events so far:

1. I have one cute Poopee whom I absolutely adore, and cannot stop kissing or looking at her. She has these really hairy ears which makes her so much more endearing to me. I whispers love words to her ears all the time.

2. I have one stubborn mother in law who now practically lives with us, she's always here telling me what to do, what not to do, what to eat, what not to eat. She shows up at 8am in the morning, and doesn't leave until late into the night - and during the entire time she scrutinises my every move. She makes me feel like I have been doing everything wrong (just because it is not what she's used to), it makes me want to try even harder. I have tried to be nice and politely tell her I don't need the help or the unwanted advice, (I can manage to change my own baby THANKYOU!), but that just seem to make her do even more for me. I am now at a stand-off with her. Long story, boring to elaborate, I have spent the first two weeks crying about it because I felt like I have been bullied, now I have decided to stand strong and will tell her to back the hell off.

3. We have established some sort of breastfeeding success. Poopee is not doing it entirely right, but as long as my girl is happy to suckle, I am happy.

4. I have gained 8kg and realise nothing in my extensive wardrobe fits. Not even my fat pants. But I do enjoy my new womanly shape to a certain extent.

5. We now call Poopee `C-C' - short for chubby cheeks.

Phase II - The Real Thing

2007-04-04T19:49:00.000+08:00

Firstly thanks to those who dropped by and for your beautiful comments. Everyday I look at my little girl and is still in disbelieve - that I was pregnant, and I gave birth to Megan. A few after-thoughts and updates:

My only birthing injury was a second-degree tear which required a single stitch. I knew exactly when it happened - it was when Poopee's head was just about to emerge, I saw a trickle of blood running across her head. I panicked and asked the doctor where did that blood come from? Was it from the baby? He calmly told me I was a good mother already, worrying about the blood coming from my baby and all, he said the blood belonged to me. I calmed a little and continued to push. Anyhow the stitch pretty much healed up within days. I haven't had a close inspection yet, but things seems pretty normal. I still have a full vagina as far as I can tell.
I am now having the longest period ever. I was told it will last 4 - 6 weeks. The bleeding has slowed down a little today (Day 13), but I am still sitting on the maternity pillows Apeman bought from the pharmacy. Note to self: Never send a man to do a woman's job. He will buy the wrong type of sanitary napkins.
Leaving the hospital on Day 5 was an emotional one. We wrapped Poopee up in the pink gear her father had chosen for her when I was 34 weeks pregnant, and a white floral wrap I have been saving for the big day - and said our goodbyes to the hospital staff and midwives. By the time we reached the elevator I was in tears. Just very emotional leaving the hospital and with my babe in my arms.
I missed being pregnant. I know I whinged about getting heavy and all that pelvic pains and etc. But really, after all the worrying I did during my pregnancy at times I totally neglected the enjoyable moments. I missed my big belly, I missed feeling Poopee kicking me from inside, I missed having her all to myself.
Parenthood is tough. I spent the first three nights watching Poopee almost 24 hours a day (therefore not sleeping much). I worry about her breathing, other times I just sat and watched her. Watching Poopee can be my full time job. She makes sounds like Michael Jackson when she sleeps (like the `woooo-hooo-hooo'), and is so incredibly animated. She can contort her face hundreds of times when she sleeps. I still look at her and think back that moment when I discovered I was pregnant. It was like a dream.
Didn't see this one coming - breastfeeding troubles. My girl REFUSES to take to my breast. She learnt how to use her arms as weapons the last two days. So whenever my breast is near her, she pushes me away, but not before she scratches me. Last night when Apeman tried to take her off me, Poopee BIT me on the nipple. For somebody so small (and without teeth) she sure can bite. I was in pain for a long time after that. So now I am expressing milk in between her feeds, pumping away for the Mother of the Year. Around the clock. Am seeing the Lactation Consultant again for the second time next week to see if there is anything else we can do.

We are both still deliriously happy. Megan is our delight.

The Sunshine of My Life

2007-03-27T17:14:00.000+08:00

Just hours after my last post about narkiness, one hour past midnight into the start of 22nd March, my waters broke with a vengance - I officially went into labour. I had a late night, for some insane reason I wanted to finish up all the accounting work I was doing for Apeman, so I was on the computer madly tapping away. Eventually Apeman managed to get me off the computer and in bed with him. We talked about when Poopee will arrive, we talked about the possibility of getting an induction in my 39th week, we talked about Poopee.

Then I felt a gush of warm fluids passing through the vagina. I was scared shitless. I rang the midwife whilst sitting on a towel, and was told to go straight to the hospital.

1:30am We arrived at delivery suite reception.

1:31am I requested for epidural. Fuck the previous drugs free birth plan.

2:00am I felt the first strong contraction. It was painful but bearable.

2:05am I was told I am 2cm dilated.

2:10am Was told to get some rest as I was still in`pre-labour' and still has a while to go. Was hit with a massive contraction pain and I requested for epidural again.

3:00am Standing under hot showers with nozzles directing at the lower back, cursing in two different languages. Heard a lady next door moaning and screaming through her own contractions. We somehow managed to synchronise.

3:30am Epidural guy arrived. Apeman supported me whilst the doctor insert that happy drug into my back. It was a funny feeling, slightly painful but at this stage I was desperate for anything.

3:45am Internal examination indicates I was 5 cm dilated. I was also told my Poopee has a full head of hair.

6:00am Calmly discussed the joys of parenthood and infertility with young midwife as I breathe through my contractions. Her shift ends at 7:00am so we both agreed it was a shame she doesn't get to see me give birth...etc. I couldn't feel the pains, but can definitely feel an uncomfortable pressure on my bottom. It wasn't pleasant but bearable.

7:30am Apeman bought coffee, Starburst lollies and a muffin. I was going to have a bite but was told not to in case I need to go to theatre. Was told my good doctor who will be doing the delivery will arrive at 8:45am to do an internal examination on me.

8:40am Good doctor arrived. Fingers in. The first thing he said was, `This baby has a full head of hair!'. The second thing he said was,`On your next contraction I want you to start pushing.' I was 10cm dilated - and was a little surprised because I thought I still have a few hours to go!

8:45am First push. I felt like I was pushing at nothing in particular. My doctor positioned me properly and asked me to push against a certain direction. I did my best.

9:14am Apparently my best was good enough. The head of my beautiful girl emerges.

9:15am The love of my life slide out of my body easily and was placed on my stomach. She has a full head of wet hair, her arms and legs were kicking up in the air - screaming at the indignity of it all! I was crying and told her in my mother's tongue that I have been waiting for her for so long. Then she opened her eyes and `see' me and Apeman for the first time, she is indeed the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

We named her Megan. She is forever my Poopee. My sweet. My everything. She is well worth the wait.

Currently I am surviving on adrenaline, since giving birth on 22nd March I haven't slept much at all. I can't take my eyes off her. She looks like Apeman when she sleeps, and a bit like me when she opens her eyes. She weighed a little under 7 lbs and measured 42cm long when she was born.

And yes she indeed has a full head of hair, it makes us so proud to push her around the hospital nursery amongst all the other bald-headed babies. Words cannot explain how happy we both are at the moment. We are trully blessed.

My Inner Narkiness

2007-03-21T11:03:00.000+09:00

The novelty is starting to wear off.

As much as I enjoy this miracle pregnancy (with the second trimester been a dream come true), I now really want to give birth, like right now or even YESTERDAY. I have been dreaming and dreaming about my little Poopee, wondering how she looks like. Even Apeman had a dream about her. So she must be near.

The thing which annoys me, and to be honest it used to amuse me and made me feel like the most popular girl in the world, is that now everybody is asking me when I am giving birth. The butcher, the pharmacist, the girl I buy my Mt Franklin water from, my beautician, my hairdresser, MY FAMILY. Everybody. Everyday. My sister calls me up once a day and always starts the conversation with - `When are you going to pop?'. So last night I snapped and told her (in the best calm voice I could manage) to please stop asking me that question, I will phone you as soon as I go into labour (not). In the end it made me feel so horrible that I lost sleep over it. I feel bad because she is only asking out of concern and excitement for me - just like the rest of the people. I feel like a bitch.

I guess I am getting really frustrated because I can hardly go out these days (walking is painful due to the pressure exerted on my pelvis and butthole), so sitting at home waiting for something to happen, despite the various distractions Apeman has provided me with, is not entirely fun.

Last night I asked Apeman if he would like to `put out' - maybe by having a quick bonk we can speed things up a little. He looked at me with amusement and said yes. But it was a reluctant `are-you-sure' yes. So I said if you don't find me attractive enough these days to have sex with then bugger it. He said he feels disrespectful to Poopee if he makes it with me whilst she is still inside. Which is fair enough because the last thing I need in that cramped space of mine is a reluctant penis.

Writing that last sentence made me laugh. :)

That Epilator can wait....

2007-03-19T11:12:00.000+09:00

Two days ago I saw the tiniest bit of blood streak on my cervical mucous after a routine wee. I analysed it for a little while, called the midwife, and was told it was probably a show. I doubted it because the blood streak was so tiny it cannot possibly be a `proper show'. But the midwife reckoned it was. Anyhoo I haven't seen anymore of that (blood) since.

Last night I tried my best to epilate my legs (we ain't going into labour with hairy legs here), unfortunately for me my trusty Braun epilator made a sad little noise and died on me at the most crucial moment (I was halfway through my other leg). So I was going to drive down to my local electrical store this morning to pick up a new one. And then I read about this. My Canadian friend who share similar due dates with me just gave birth, by surprise! I am totally happy for her that everything worked out well, and her baby is so lovely.

Looks like I am staying home today - I am just going to have to settle for one half-epilated hairy leg. Hope nobody notice.

A snap shot

2007-03-15T17:35:00.000+09:00

Poopee's in da house.

37 weeks - The almost home run

2007-03-14T13:52:00.000+09:00

I can hardly contain my excitement this morning - 37 weeks this week. I can hardly wait to find out how this Kinder Surprise will look like. My little chocolate egg.

At times she is like a breakdancer, kicking and manoveuring ther legs across my stomach. Sometimes it hurts so much I have to jump up and get some relief. I find it helps to talk to her. Poopee calms down for a few moments if I talk to her gently. It really is quite amazing.

Yesterday me and the Ape went to meet with the chief midwife for our pre-admission appointment. We went over the costs of everything (right down to the costs of phone calls and an epidural shot). We were both asked about our medical histories. One thing we did not discuss was my birth plan. I don't have one anyway so I guess that didn't really matter.

I am too tired to write anything sensible or remotely interesting. I haven't been sleeping at all. I wee up to 8 or 9 times a night, and I don't even drink that much water. I am so sleepy but am too scared to sleep during the day in case I can't sleep at night. Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep before the labour starts. Also my pelvis is about to fall apart.

ZZZzzzzzz....

36 weeks plus

2007-03-07T15:49:00.000+09:00

Me and poopee were examined by the good doctor just now. The outcome of this appointment was:

Mommy's blood pressure is still good (a.k.a. normal). So the discomfort I have been feeling lately (the bloating and pressure on bowels) is really Poopee's fault.
Sugar levels fine - considering the recent indulgements I had, I am damn lucky already.
Poopee has well, and trully, engaged in my pelvis. Her head is so deep into my pelvis I think I can almost touch her if I reach deep enough. But of course I won't try that one at home. That's mental.
Poopee is growing well, and continues to be a good size, therefore making her a bit larger than the average baby.
Internal examination at 38 weeks. And if the cervix is ready, I maybe induced as soon as 38.5 weeks. Which means I maybe having a March Poopee. Fingers crossed because I much rather be expecting the expected, than having my waters broken in public, probably at somewhere really inconvenient like the bank's queue or in my car whilst I'm driving. And with Poopee's size, it makes me a reasonable candidate for inducement.

Dumb-ass question of the week:

Good Doctor: I will be doing an internal examination on you in two weeks time.

Dumbass Drew: Is that going to hurt?

Good Doctor: I think you have bigger things to worry about in a few weeks time. And no, for your information, it doesn't hurt.

Apeman's moment of the week:

Apeman: I saw something really funny yesterday. I was watching you pick up dog shit in the backyard. You were wearing that short dress, and you leaned over, and I can see your undies, and that's the not funny part, I saw your underbelly too. It looks massive from the angle I was watching you from.

Drew: Nice.

Holy Crap!

2007-03-02T19:48:00.000+09:00

Now I know I am not a slip of a girl. I know I have been indulging in food and sweet treats. I know I eat quite frequently and in abundance. Because I am happy and don't want to undernourish my unborn.

Imagine my utter shock and horror just now when I was moisturising myself post-shower in front of the bedroom room mirror - and saw patches of angry red welts running all the way up my buttocks and down to my mid-thigh. I have seen these welts before - maybe I wasn't looking for them. Those bloody Palmer's advertisements show them all the time - pregnant women with red stretch marks around the stomach to show you what you will look like if you don't use their product.

I religiously moisturise my stomach. Not with Palmer's stuff, but normal body butter because I have an allergic reaction to the Palmer's products. I must have thought my thighs are immuned to stretch marks.

Yikes!

35 Weeks 5 days Update

2007-03-01T14:24:00.000+09:00

How low can you go?

Well apparently in my case, my already low-sitting baby bump has dropped even lower. My body literally can stop traffic these days. Lots of strangers come up to me asking me when I'm due - and get a huge shock when I tell them I still have at least four more weeks to go. The thing is I don't even look that big, but my low sitting baby bump gives people the impression that I was due YESTERDAY.

Even maternity pants at this stage are no longer comfortable. I wear the looset sack dresses just to give my low-hanging Poopee a bit of room.

I really can't wait to have Poopee out. I had another birthing dream last night. This time I dreamt about a drug-free delivery with my beloved Apeman and my good doctor by my side, Poopee weighs in at 17 pounds (yikes!), and she talks! It was very bizarre to say the least.

Poopee continues to use my pelvic floor as her bouncy-castle. She was kicking so hard last night during dinner, I can see (and feel) her little knobby knees pushing out from either sides of my stomach. I was in so much pain that I had to stand up and rock her gently. Think Ommpa Loompa doing a rather slow belly dance.

4 more weeks till I see my Poopee's face. I am going to rain thousands of kisses on her face and baby feet - just to make up for lost time.

34 Weeks + Several Days

2007-02-23T12:17:00.000+09:00

Once I watched this movie, or maybe it was an advert, about this expectant mom who started to have contractions in the middle of the night. Her husband completely freaked out and ran around the house frantically searching for the car keys, hoping to get the show on the road as soon as possible. All this while the expectant mom stood calmly beside her packed overnight bag, smiling at her husband.

I never understood where that sense of calm came from.

Yesterday I woke up feeling `weird'. Like something was up. The weird feeling didn't go away and gradually throughout the day, I felt alot of pressure on my, urm, bum area. I can literally feel Poopee's head `descended' into my pelvic region. It was quite uncomfortable to say the least. Then later on the night, I started to feel the beginnings of a mild pelvic pain, for maybe 20 minutes or so.

No sense of calm from me. I completely freaked out to the point I had to put the TV on `mute' just so I can concentrate on my thoughts and what's happening.

Everything is okay today. I think it was Poopee wanting to lock herself in the `engaged' position, or something. I am carrying so low I just can't tell. I reckon when my waters break I will probably scream like a little girl.

In my freakish moments (what's new?) I promptly packed my bags for the hospital.

Better stay home just to be on the safe side. Oh. And charge all batteries.

34 Weeks

2007-02-20T21:15:00.000+09:00

Wonderful, wonderful news today from my friend - who really is a trooper. It certainly makes my day. Well done Bugsy.

Today at 34 weeks I have severe back pain, minimal sleep, lots of uterus tightening/Braxton Hicks contractions, and the occasional flash of childbirth images floating in my mind. It is becoming real. To celebrate this 34-week milestone, me and my visiting girlfriend from London went to a teeny-bopper shop and tried on teeny-bopper clothes. She went nuts when she saw me in my tight rock-chic tee-shirt (bearing my underbelly) and unzipped tight crop jeans ensemble. It was a real vision.

Went to a Chinese New Year celebration dinner last night. Apparently this year is the year of the Golden Pig. Apparently lots of Chinese couples are fighting to conceive this year just to secure their own little golden piggy. Me and Apeman aren't fussy - all we want for Christmas is a healthy, happy baby. With Poopee being a golden piggy is a bonus.

She is already the apple in our eyes.

Halfway through the dinner we were told there will be a dragon dance performance. Loud drums banged through the entire time, so I was a little worried about Poopee's reaction to the commotion outside her safe home. She stopped wriggling for a few minutes, but once she got used to the noise outside, she started to kick her feet (against mommy's stomach) to the rhythm of the drums. I rubbed her bottom gently to soothe her.

I looked over across the table and saw my mother watching me. She had a wide grin on her face. Her attention was on me rubbing my baby. It was a nice moment between me and my mother, afterall she was there for me after all my failed IVF cycles.

Life as it happens

2007-02-15T17:34:00.000+09:00

I hauled myself to my local McDonald's this morning for my weekly hotcakes sloshed with hash browns sloshed with hot chocolate binge.

As I sat down with my big breakfast, it occured to me that the next couple of weeks will be the last of my lonely carefree days. Possibly the next time I want a sit-down morning breakfast at McDonald's, I will have to consider my baby's needs, her mood of the day... etc ..amongst other lovely little baby things I will need to consider. I also realise that the `just the two of us' lonely days between me and Apeman may soon be over, or at least be different. Throughout this pregnancy I have not seriously considered what life will be like post baby - because I was too worried about the pregnancy. As per John Lennon's most famous phrase:

`Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.'
Instead for me it reflects:
`Pregnancy is what happens to you are busy worrying about everything.'

It is not that I am not prepared for motherhood - oh GOD I totally am. I have been wanting to be a mom for such a long time, I cannot wait to have my little bundle of joy in my arms and care for her, and be her everything. It is just that I have been so worried about the pregnancy I have forgotten to enjoy (at the very least) the last days of our single-married life, just to treasure the things we normally take for granted. Like going to the movies anytime we want to, or to go to bed whenever we want and sleep however long we want.

Today during my meal at McDonald's, an old Chinese lady came up to me and spoke to me in her language (as I later worked out that it was in fact Beijing Mandarin, which is alot more intense than ordinary Mandarin). I realise the reason she came to me for help was because I am Oriental myself, and she thought maybe I could understand her. She seemed really distressed and later she brought her husband to me (who was using a walking cane and appeared alot older than her). Unfortunately I could not understand a word she said (Mandarin is not my forte), but from what I gathered they caught the wrong bus, and was left stranded in the middle of nowhere. Sadly due to their language problem nobody could help them. After much fumbling and hand gestures (her husband was able to utter a few English words), they gave me a phone number to call, which turned out to be a local Asian community association. I was able to speak to the lady at the reception and we used her our translator. The receptionist explained to me their situation as recounted by the older gentleman, and she asked if I could drop the old couple off at a nearby petrol station, and there I was to contact an associate of hers so he could pick them up.

I did and when their ride arrived, the old lady held my hand and thanked me. She said `good, good' and pointed at my belly. I think she was trying to say something nice about my baby. It was that instant my baby decided to kick in response. I nearly cried. I am not sure why, maybe something to with the older gentleman reminding me of my passed grandpa, or maybe it was just a nice moment. Whatever it was feels good.

The 32 Week Non-Event

2007-02-13T19:50:00.000+09:00

Unborn Poopee's Gestational Age: 32 weeks and 3 days
Present: Drew & Apeman
Location: Ape-Land Bathroom
Evidence: A single stained Carefree panty-liner - breathable and unscented - stained with a questionable colour.

Drew: It's brown. I am telling you it's brown. Oh shit I think it looks a little red under this light.
Ape: Looks yellow to me. It's not brown, and definitely not red.
Drew: *Yanking the evidence from Apeman* - Look - it is fucking brown. I think it's a show. Oh fuck it's too early. What is going on? I am not ready yet. The baby can't possibly be coming out right now - it is not the right time....the lungs needs maturing.....gain some weight...it's fucking brown...oh shit.
Ape: Hey calm down. Take a shower first, and don't rush it, take your time and relax, then we will call the midwife okay? I still think it's yellow. It is no where near brown.
Drew; IT'S FUCKING BROWN. OH MY GOD. I am nowhere near ready yet! I haven't even packed my bags yet. I haven't even washed anything, I don't have a birth plan!!!!!
Ape: The shower. Now.

A 10 minute shower, followed by a 10 minute (with controlled inner-calm) conversation with midwife. Was told not to worry, brown discharge is not uncommon between 30 to 35 weeks. Any further coloured discharge or unusual developments to contact the hospital again. In the mean time I should rest up, put feet up at least, and call the doctor first thing in the morning to advice him on this latest development.

The evidence (stained panty liner) was left on display near the basin.

Unborn Poopee's Gestational Age: 32 weeks and 4 days
Present: Drew & Apeman
Location: Ape-Land Bathroom
Evidence: A single stained Carefree panty-liner - breathable and unscented - sadly displayed next to the bathroom basin.

Drew: It's yellow.
Ape: I told you so. You freak.

32 weeks

2007-02-05T11:54:00.000+09:00

Often it feels a little freaky. Poopee's movements are very coordinated now. Instead of jabs and sudden reflex movements, she is now doing slow (but coordinated) arms, legs and elbow movements. Last night, as I laid on bed (probably a little too quickly), she wasn't ready for my fast movements so she literally went from one side of my stomach, swwwwwish and toooooink onto the other side of my stomach. It was really cute. Then she thrashed her legs and arms fiercely to let me know - NOT HAPPY MOM!

Lately Apeman's been inspecting my body alot. Not in the dirty way, but he is totally fascinated with my body changes. The boobs are bigger (and a bit saggier, which is strange for somebody with small boobs to start with), the stomach is stretching and stretching, plus I am carrying quite low so he finds that amusing too. He talks to his unborn every night - telling her how much daddy loves her, and how he can't wait to see her face. It's quite sweet. Oh - he told me he misses sex too.

Yeah whatever.

No other major developments except we bought a stroller on impluse (it felt right when we saw it), and I bought myself a nappy bag - my last little bit of luxury before baby arrives. I measure 42 - 43 inches around the stomach, and I haven't seen my pubis-clitoris region for months now. I seem to have zero hair loss (for months - I cannot find a single strand of stray hair on the bathroom floor - or anywhere else).

I have also started to think a little about the birthing process, wondering how we are going to get le-babe out from le-little-hole. It's scary but I will worry about that once I stop worrying about carrying le-babe in le-utero.

Knickers Freak

2007-02-01T14:27:00.000+09:00

Hasn't been a good week as the pain at my tailbone is getting increasingly worse - I average maybe about 3 hours sleep per night. Sleeping on my sides, my back or even sitting up doesn't seem to do the trick. However, Poopee's kicks more than makes up for the pain and lack of sleep. It's worth it.

And since these days I don't look forward to sleeping (sadly it is almost like a chore) - I look for things to do just before I go to bed to tire myself out. Last night interestingly it was to tidy my knickers drawer.

I am not proud of this, and this maybe a freakish tendency, but I have more than 80 pairs of knickers. Let's just say I will never EVER run out of knickers to wear.

But don't get me wrong, I am not a spend-freak because I never overspend on a single pair of knickers - my philosophy is that every pair is my faovurite, so there cannot possibly be a pair I love so much that I have to pay premium for it. I almost always buy on sale, and there is not a single pair in my drawer which I don't like - which explains the ridiculous quantity.

The obsession probably started when I was 16 - that's when mom stopped buying me knickers and I had to go out and buy my own. Mom used to buy me these hideous granny styled knickers by the dozens. My first purchase was sexy, they are black and slightly lacy and therefore seemed naughty to me. They were hideously uncomfortable (back then, hipsters styled knickers didn't exist) - the lace just keeps digging into me.

I buy knickers from anywhere and everywhere - I have cheap but reliable ones from KMart and Target. I also have dodgy ones I purchase on impulse overseas - including a few kiddie-sized ones (that were meant to fit all) from China and Singapore which never really fit me in the first place but I try to jam myself into them whenver I can. When I was in the States last year I had the opportunity to be up close and personal to Victoria's Secret, which absolutely thrilled me to bits. I ended up with a few pairs of lacy ones, including one pair that has `Kiss Me' engraved at the back and pink ribbons on either side of the hips. Haven't worn them yet because I don't want Apeman to maul me if he sees me in them.

My favourites are probably from the Elle Macpherson range, she makes good knickers - slightly uncomfortable because of the wedge factor she so seems to favour but nevertheless tasteful. I also enjoy the Bonds variety - but they wear out very easily so I tend to them in bulk whenever they goes on sale. Oh the colours and patterns available are nice too.

I don't have a single favourite pair, but there is one pair which I am quite partial to (but still not my favourite). I still remember the day I bought it. It was late night shopping, another lonely night, there was a sales rack with tonnes of cast offs from a sale, and there it was - a pair of Calvin Klein nude coloured granny styled knickers. It is so plain you can almost miss it if not for the hideously expensive price tag. The recommended retail price was $70 but it was marked down to $20. Still epensive for a pair of nude knickers but I was totally obsessed with it. The reason? It has two frilly bits of pink lacy fabric hanging off either side of the hips, its so damn plain but so damn sexy at the same time. When I put it on it looks totally granny, but casual, and slightly sexy all at the same time. It is just timeless. I had to have it and so I did.

I also have quite an extensive (yet affordable) sleepwear/lougewear collection which I will talk about, I'm sure, another fine day.

30 Weeks

2007-01-25T11:18:00.000+09:00

Two significant events occured yesterday.

The first one is my 30 week OBS appointment. For the first time in ages (since the earlier delightful ultrasound sessions to measure size of Poopee), my OBS was able to feel for the size of Poopee. He discovered two things - first Poopee is currently sitting head down, which probably explains why she's been doing little kicks just underneath my breasts. Secondly, at 30 weeks old Poopee is approximately the size of a 31/32 week old - which makes her an above average sized baby. Which surprised the both of us because me and Apeman are not that big in size.

The second significant event was our first pre-natal baby class. It was delightful. I cannot describe how pleased we are to be able to finally attend a baby class - I enjoyed every minute of the session - and look forward to the visit to the maternity ward next week. But there is still that small icky feeling - with me feeling like a fraud sitting amongst that group of pregnant mothers and expectant fathers. That infertile chip on my shoulder lingered as I eye other pregnant bumps amongst the group and wondered what journey they had to travel in order to be here tonight. Fortunately I was constantly reassured by the little life inside me - Poopee was wriggling and turning slowly throughout the entire session, I found myself rubbing her raised bottom afffectionately.

They showed us a birthing video. Afterwards when the midwife turned the lights back on, I find myself blinking away tears. I looked over to Apeman and saw his eyes were red - like mine.

29 Weeks

2007-01-15T12:45:00.000+09:00

Here's the latest of how I look now. In full maternity glory.

I went to a dinner party last night - all my closest friends were oohing and ahhing over my belly - gently touching it and making cute baby comments. As far as I can tell, Poopee is laying sideways - her bottom is on the right side of my belly (which pokes out occasionally when she stretches), and her head on my left side - which makes my belly appears much wider than usual.

Oh and I KNOW my butt look big in this photo. Apeman's been trying to get me to go to the beach with him, but I told him I ain't putting on a bikini because there is NO WAY I am showing my bare bits to the public. I am just a little self conscious about it and felt protective about my new body.

Just the other day, I dropped by a local pharmacy to check out their range of feeding products. It was a really hot day, and I was absolutely dying for a wee. I left the pharmacy and into the carpark, only to discover that some TOOL has parked right up against the driver's side of my 4WD. Initially I really gave it a good go to enter the car in various positions, but my belly was in the way so in the end I had to give up and waited for the other car owner to show up. And of course he/she never did. So I asked a bystander to reverse my car out of the spot for me so I can climb in. It was the first time I feel really clumsy and helpless.

I have 2.5 months to go. Apparently this is when the belly really grows - and I look big enough as it is!

Some Amusement

2007-01-08T11:13:00.000+09:00

Firstly thanks to those to commented on my dog problem - I appreciate all your comments and from now on I think we will just have to be careful with who Max mixes with. Nothing to follow up as the female dog owner remains uncontactable so there is really no resolution.

There has always been a mild case of nipple hair for me (being a dark haired girl and all). Nothing tragically ugly, just tiny little black hairs around the nipples. The pregnancy somehow had aggravated the growth of nipple hair and suddenly I became the Apewoman - I have seriously large nipple hairs and a small patch of soft hairs on my stomach. There is also this hideous ring of hairs around the belly button.

It got rather embarrassing, I almost didn't want to go naked in front of my beloved of 12 years.

And that is not the only amusing part for me.

Ever since the eve of my first trimester and throughout the entire second trimester, I began to experience nocturnal orgasms during my sleep. Initally I thought I only dreamt about them, but then I began to wake up FEELING these orgasms. OF COURSE it scared me crapless, because there were times when the orgasm subsided I feel a little pelvic crampy. I was wondering if the orgasms were doing any harm to Poopee (and how Poopee will think of me as a mother...having hands-free orgasms and thinking about sex all the time in my sleep and all...). I did a little research but I couldn't find an explanation, although I managed to find one woman who had orgasms (on her own in her sleep) throughout her pregnancy, even during her breastfeeding period. Needless to say, Apeman thinks I am a dirty girl and he was a little jealous.

Then third trimester kicked in.

First thing I noticed was I no longer have my orgasms. I used to have them up to four times a week. (Yes, lucky isn't it?). Which is good. And then a few days ago in the shower I noticed all of my nipple hairs have fallen off. LIKE, ALL OF THEM. Not a single one remained. Not even the little tiny ones. I couldn't have done a better job plucking them myself. I take this as a blessing. Somehow I think porn star nipples looks much better hairless.

I have also finished knitting a couple of cardigans for Poopee, I will post them as soon as I find out where Apeman left my camera. He is a dead man if he looses it again.

Max

2007-01-04T11:38:00.000+09:00

And it just became a little more interesting.

A few days ago (before Apeman approached the police to file a complaint about the death threats he received), the female dog owner apparently contacted the Ranger and lodged a complaint. The nature of the complaint is apparently `Dangerous dog attacking innocent bystanders in common park'.

And of course this got me worried. I think this woman wants her pound of flesh from Max. She wanted him gased and put out of his misery.

Apeman was required to fill in a statement outlining his side of the story. The Ranger just dropped by to speak to us just now (and to take a look at Max). The first thing the Ranger said to us was he too gets annoyed when people talk shit about big dogs. Just because they are big dogs it doesn't mean they are monsters. I told him Max was also bitten during that incident, and he is constantly chased and play-biten by little small Jack Russells in the park. The Ranger agreed but unfortunately for us this woman is after her pound of flesh.

The accessment occured as I expected - Max literally licked the Ranger to death. (Yes, to death). We are talking about a Ranger, who probably has tens of other dog smells on him - including the dogs he dealt with just this morning, and Max just licked him and played with him. This is not the behaviour of a monster dog. If you are a true dog lover, you should know that too. He asked us to keep the death threat SMS messages and report any future ones from this woman if need be.

One interesting thing we discovered was this female dog owner could not be contacted once she made the call to the Ranger. He had been trying to contact her for a few days and she did not return his calls. Apparently all she wanted to do was to point the finger at us and run.

We have a clear conscience, Apeman paid for the vet bills and had to miss work this morning just to make himself available for the Ranger. Whereas she won't even make a statement herself. We have done everything we can and we hope this is the last we hear of this.

And yes - we will continue to take Max to the same park for walks - this time firmly on the leash - even if she said she will kill him if she sees him.

Follow up

2007-01-02T17:11:00.000+09:00

Just want to do a follow up on my dog story - and thanks to those who offered words of support. It is now a little more serious as the female dog owner decided to send SMS messages of death threat to Apeman. I can understand her passion as a dog owner but I think she has definitely crossed the line here. The messages basically outlined how she would kill Apeman if she sees him again, and how she would hurt him. Apeman apparently kept the news of the new SMS messages from me for a few days, but he decided to take action (and tell me about it) when the messages are becoming more serious. Right now he is lodging a complaint with the police because he is worried about me.

She has also threatened to put a noose on my Max.

I am not going to take the injuries on her dog any lightly (but the vet re-confirmed to us that it was indeed a few grazes that probably did not require stitching - but they were stitched just to be on the safe side to avoid inflamation upon the request from the dog owner). But we have cooperated with the dog owner and paid the bills and so I don't know what else can we do to stop her from issuing death threats to us.

Will update again once we filed the police report.

The itching continued, though my stomach is not as red and itchy now. Thanks Tiffany for the soap information - I will look into that as soon as I finish this post!

I am just a little depressed about the incident with Max. It is amazing how quickly and easily your spirit is broken even though I am carrying the biggest lottery ticket win ever (my poopee).

Poopee continues to do well - she is packing in quite a good punch/kick these days. I love sitting down and watches her thrash abouts in my stomach. A funny story happened the other day when she was kicking me all morning, even whilst I was at my doctor's surgery. But as soon as I was laid out on the doctor's examination table (for him to check the size of my uterus) - she remained very, very still. My cheeky little quiet mouse. Then the moment we left the doctor's surgery she started up again.

My centre of gravity has definitely shifted, making me clumsy, and these days I waddle instead of walk. Nobody believe I am only 6 months pregnant - they thought I am close to term, or I am carrying twins. The third trimester is definitely not going to be as cruisy as the second....

I also went out and bought some maternity bras today. I have never paid that much money for bras in my life (and for something not very sexy at all) - but it was a new experience I enjoyed very, very much.

Hello third trimester...

2006-12-28T17:21:00.000+09:00

I have PUPPP.

I am itchy. Oh so fucking itchy.

Judge This

2006-12-27T11:46:00.000+09:00

This happened yesterday. I am still terribly upset over this so I need to document this.

I wasn't there, but Apeman took our 6 year old German Shepherd (Max) to the park for his routine walk. We never let Max off the leash unless we know for sure there is nobody else in the park - or only if he is amongst his group of friends (a few big dogs coupled with a few smaller ones). He is a friendly dog and is only interested in a sniff at any new dogs he meet. I know Max. I carried him home as a three month old puppy, he is a beautiful dog and he sits with me quietly after EVERY single one of my failed IVF cycles. This dog has soul.

According to Apeman - he was watching Max until suddenly from a far distance he can hear a dog's bark. It was too late for him to chase after Max because he already heard the barking. We are talking about an entire football field distance here. Max ran up to the female dog owner, who was carrying a toy dog in her arms, there was also another medium sized dog on the leash. Max did his usual dance - he sniffed at the medium sized dog, hoping to get a few plays out of the dog.

Without warning, the dog took a big bite out of Max, bad enough to draw blood. As a retaliation, Max bit back, he held the other dog down by biting into the back. Apeman pulled Max easily away from the other dog. The female dog owner was frantic and screamed `Get your fucking dog away from my dog!'. She was hysterical.

A do-gooder dropped by, and asked if he was needed as a witness. The female dog owner declined the offer. He then turned to Apeman and spat, `If I see your dog on the road next time I will run him the fuck over.'

This is what hurt the most. He will run my Max over. My Max. He didn't even see the blood on my Max's neck. He will drive past us next time and run us the fuck over regardless because he is a big dog holding a smaller dog down.

What followed was the female dog owner took her dog to the vet - she was still hysterical - and asked Apeman to pay for the $400 vet bill. It covers consultation, a surcharge (since it was boxing day), and the dog had needed a few stitches. We rang up and asked about the condition of dog - the vet told us the dog was fine and it a few skin punctures that required the stitches just to be on the safe side. We paid the bill promptly and made sure the dog got everything it needed for recovery.

Then around midnight Apeman got an SMS from this female dog owner. She wanted him to know she hated him, and hated his monster dog for hurting her dog. I am not sure if Apeman received anymore hate messages from this woman, but Apeman knew I am getting really upset over it so he is holding back the news from me.

I cried all night. I cried because I love my dog too. I cried because this has never happened before. I cried because my Max bled too. I cried because people take one look at my Max (who in comparison to the usual breed, is a small German Shepherd), they think he is capable of killing and want to run the fuck over him. I cried because the owner called my Max a monster - Max has never taken a bite out of anything, not even when a wandering cat was sitting right in the middle of our backyard, he only barked to let us know we have an intruder and stayed away from the cat. My Max who nursed me and is my son after all my failed IVF cycles.

I don't doubt that we are in the wrong. It just hurts so terribly that Max, which is very much a part of me and Apeman, was labeled as a monster. A monster doesn't sit with you and lick your tears away when you are in pain. He was, and never will be, that.

Merry Itchy Christmas

2006-12-25T12:26:00.000+09:00

It's been a week. I have this full-on itchy stomach that ITCHES like hell. My poor bump is red all over due to my continued scratching. And when I don't scratch it, the skin gets even redder because it was dying for me to scratch it.

I had a cold shower at 3am last night just to get a bit of relief. Only to be woken up by Apeman at 7am this morning for him to complain to me about ME `torturing' my baby bump. I told him I don't even remember scratching my stomach - I had to sleep on my hands just to make sure I don't do it in my sleep. (A friend suggested wearing adult sized mittens).

What ever happened to the promise of shiny happy bumps from the numerous magazine shoots (think Britney Spears, Demi Moore, maternity mags cover girls...). Mine ain't shiny. It's just red.

And SUPER itchy.

Merry Christmas!!!

I ain't no Heidi Klum

2006-12-20T14:44:00.000+09:00

It happened in Pumpkin Patch.

It is never a forgiving place to start with, espeically for the infertile - I used to dodge that place like it was contaminated. These days I go in there for the recreational `ooh's' and `ahh's' over teddy bear sized swimwear for infants.

It involved a pair of navy blue maternity cargo pants, a kid's size change room and a really unforgiving mirror which happens to give you a totally unobstructed rear view of yourself.

I tried to pull the pants up, it worked all the way up to my hips but that's about it. The span between the `closing the deal' buttons were at least 3cm apart. It was ludricrious.

I took the offending cargos to the counter, wearing the year's best `You've-got-to-be-shitting-me' look on my face. The salesgirl said: `How was it? A bargain isn't it?'

`Yeah but it doesn't fit me - I always thought maternity gear are designed for comfort and for a good maternity fit - this one isn't doing its job I'm afraid.' The salesgirl then explained to me that oh don't worry, you can make it fit you by releasing the button on the elastic band to make it a bit looser. But then she realised I HAD already released the button on the elastic band.

With the help of the change room mirror - I saw my ass clearly for the first time since my bump started to grow. It became really saggy, I have a decent sized spare tyre around my hips - I have also gained alot of weight on the thighs and it seems there is unlimited cellulite on both buttocks and thighs. For fun, I also tried on a tight black top with a pair of black maternity tights. I looked like an adult size Ommpa Loompa.

But you know what, I'm actually okay with it. I came all this way to ride the full pregnancy experience, I am never going to be that skinny girl in my twenties when just about everything looks good and fits. I am gratefully not. I feel really good for the first time in years.

However I did make Apeman promise me that no matter how I look like after the birth, he is totally and completely obligated to continue to have sex with me.

Ambigious Times

2006-12-18T11:30:00.000+09:00

Just finished checking up on my fertility sisters, and I am unable to pick up any good news. In fact it was just bad news all round. Especially for a few who really deserves a good break. I wish I can do much more for them because I know how bad it feels - when it seems nothing is working out and you repeatedly gets slapped over and over again.

I am grateful to be able to sit here and write this as a pregnant woman. So grateful that on Saturday night, I was watching Carols by Candlelight with Apeman - Rachel Beck made an appearance to sing Away in a Manger. She was only days away from giving birth and therefore dedicated the song to all mothers and expectant mothers. Big tears started to roll off my eyes (I was mid knitting my baby cardigan) and tearfully said to Apeman - I'm a mom this year, I'm a mom this year.

I wish for much happiness, and good news for the new year - for all my fertility sisters. Nobody should be left out.

Quotes of the day

2006-12-15T13:58:00.000+09:00

This is from Apeman's gorgeous niece and nephew (aged 5 & 7):

N1: `Aunty Drew - are you sure you are pregnant?'
Drew: `Yes honey, I am, what makes you say that?'
N1: `Well, did your doctor say you are pregnant? I mean, like, did he check you to see if there really is a baby inside?'
Drew: `Yes.'
N1: `You look a little fat to me that's all. Plus not all pregnancies work out you know.'
Drew: `........'

A few moments later...

N2: `Aunty Drew, when are you going to lay your baby?'
Drew: `Honey, chicken lay eggs, people give birth to babies.'
N2: `So when are you going to lay your baby then?'

Birthday Bits

2006-12-13T11:42:00.000+09:00

It's my birthday and I shall go crazy if I want to. (Ha ha I turn magical 33).

In all stupidness and slackness, I discovered the joys of cyber shoppping. BAD idea. Bad.

Peter Alexander is my best friend. Check this out - this is the cutest thing I have seen in ages. Pregnant-friendly too.

Witchery is just totally hot. Check this out. I got it in Grey. I struggle to wear it so it barely fits, but who the frig cares?

And how about this as a yummy treat. Apeman bought it for me today, but of course in the large, LARGE, LARGE version. Right now this monster is chilling out in my fridge, waiting to be devoured by moi.

Thank God for small favours (and internet shopping).

Before and After Shot

2006-12-11T10:35:00.000+09:00

3 weeks prior to conceiving Poopee...

At 24 weeks pregnant - Active Poopee in-utero thrashing & tumbling about, +8kg and a really bad hair cut later....

23.5 weeks

2006-12-07T12:27:00.000+09:00

How do you feel at 23.5 weeks pregnant?
I feel fine. Less petrified, warming to the idea a little bit. I think I can finally relax (just a little) about it since our 20 week scan. I was lying in bed last night, thinking about the past four months, how I managed to survive it (with special thanks to the emergency ward at King Edward Memorial Hospital for providing me with much needed reassurance during desperate times). I also kept thinking about that magical afternoon waiting for a blood test result, hoping for JUST a positive in ovulation that month but ended up scoring a full blown pregnancy. I feel beyond blessed.

How pregnant do you feel?
A bit more than last week.

Are you still nervous?
Shit yeah. I think about Poopee all the time. I can spend hours watching my stomach for any movements. Or if I feel like my bowels are moving just a little, I will try my best to empty it, so the `real baby movements' can be felt as accurately as possible. It's insane. I can't wait for the labour pains to kick in at 40 weeks. Hopefully.

Do you feel guilty about becoming pregnant when there are so many women out there still struggling, some struggled far longer than you?
Yes. Just to give you an example. I have been dreaming about this pregnant moment for so long, that when it finally happened, I found out my mentor at work lost her baby at 20 weeks to a devastating genetic disease. I was therefore too scared to `announce' my pregnancy to workmates even when I was well past the 12 week mark. Then at 21 weeks I told a few friends, and the news spread like bushfire. I then received an email from a male workmate, who congratulated me at first, but told me to be discreet about my pregnancy news (??) because he was afraid my mentor is not coping well with her loss. I told him I have rang my mentor and talked to her about it way before I told everyone else - she was still devastated but was happy for me because she knew how long we had been trying for a baby (she was there to console me two days before I was admitted into surgery to have my ovary removed a year ago after a particularly nasty round of IVF). So now I turn down invitations to work lunches altogether.

Are you looking forward to the birthing process?
I booked myself in for birthing classes in January. I am calm right now. I don't know if I am scared about it yet. The placenta is located right on the wall of my stomach so it is fairly normal, and also means I am likely to give birth the vaginal way. I haven't given much thought about drugs, meditation or other birthing aids, because I haven't read past the 2nd Trimester chapters of my Pregnancy books yet. I am taking this one day at a time.

Name for baby?
Yes, it is my dream name for my dream baby, the baby I have been dreaming about for years. I kept dreaming about a little girl, and now I am having a little girl, so the name is hers. I call her by name all the time and sometimes she responds by giving me little kicks. Or maybe she's just annoyed with my posture making her uncomfortable.

Knitting Times

2006-12-05T14:53:00.000+09:00

I almost finished with a small cardigan (Size 000), knitted in white 8-ply acrylic baby soft yarn, for my little Poopee. But after much fiddling (on my part, and also Apeman's part) it no longer looks virginal white. Under a certain light it looks a little dull and muggy.

I am having serious troubles knitting the edges and buttonholes, and also with piecing it together, so I took it to my local Spotlight and asked for some help. I know this lady there, who is kind enough to offer me some help during her precious lunch hour. Bless her.

While she was teaching me - a lady popped her head in and oohed and ahhed over my cardigan, which was nice. But then she started to ask me if I am having a boy or girl. I said oh we are saving that as a surprise (white lie).

Well that is why I bought white yarn. It doesn't lead to any conclusion because we want to keep family and friends in suspense.

I just hope nobody drops by and see my growing stash of pink coverlets, wraps, little baby pullovers, and stuffed toys (dressed in pink and yellow outfits). Cute Poopee.

We Have Contact

2006-11-28T11:54:00.000+08:00

Two days ago I got woken up at 5:36am with serious bubbling of gas in stomach. I promptly went to the toilet to ease myself into a reasonable dump (bowel movement to the more refined) for a bit of a relief.

Once done, I returned to bed, patted Apeman on the head and tried to go back to sleep. The `gas bubbling' had gotten worse. So no more sleep for me and I sat in bed wide awake.

That afternoon, whilst watching TV with Apeman, I complained about the lack of sleep, and suddenly the stomach started to REALLY bubble. I pulled my top to review my dancing stomach, little prods and kicks can been seen clearly - unlike the gentle `nudges' I was feeling before in the lower pelvic region. This time it was right on the stomach.

`OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE BABY!'.

And we have made contact.

A Friend From Far, Far Away

2006-11-24T11:19:00.000+08:00

I `met' my friend Vix whilst browsing through and commenting on an US-based infertility chat forum several years ago. Back then I already had 4 IVF cycles under my belt, and she is a thirty-something married woman who had been trying to get pregnant for a few years, but was too scared to venture into the world of IVF.

We became fast friends, and despite our time and location difference (she lives in US, I live in Australia), we managed to email each other daily, telling each other about our lives, ttc stories, medical talks, and general chit chats. We swapped photos and talked about our husbands at lengths. This went on for more than a year.

Then one day she told me about this sum of money she and her husband had inherited. She had two choices - either to go on a big holiday or to finally give IVF a shot. Vix was worried about dabbling in IVF because she saw it as a `final frontier', and if that didn't work out she will have nothing to turn to. Finally after weeks of discussions back and forth, I talked her into it and she brought home her first injections.

4 eggs collected turned into 3 embryos, and on Day 3, she only had 2 to transfer. Two weeks later she sent out an email to friends and family announcing her pregnancy. I was over the moon for her - especially because we had been friends for so long, and I know how much she had wanted to be a mom. She made the best halloween customes for herself and I have great hopes for her unborn as the best dressed kid(s).

Twins were born eight months later, a boy and a girl. The prettiest pair of twins ever. She emailed me to let me know how much she valued our friendship, and how much she wished for something good to happen to me eventually. I told her it is already great that at least IVF worked for one of us - I told her I refuse to lose faith in IVF.

A few months later, during a particularly dark day, I wrote to her to tell her about my latest cycle failure, I mentioned in the email about `finding it difficult to cope with life because I kept getting knock-backs'. I may sound suicidal, but I really wasn't that bad. I just want somebody to listen to me whinge because I was in so much pain, and couldn't talk to any of my real friends because none of them are reproductively challenged. Plus I thought she would understand my pain too. I felt really vulnerable, and really, really sad.

And then nothing.

I haven't heard from her ever since. Occasionally (like once every half year), I was included in her group emails of a funny joke, or a christmas greeting, but she never wrote to me personally again. I felt so horrible, especially when I had opened myself up entirely to her.

Two weeks ago I wrote to her to tell her about my pregnancy. And you guessed it - again no reply.

It's a very sad, but raw truth in the world of cyber-friendship.

What's Normal Got to do with it?

2006-11-20T21:29:00.000+08:00

At 21 weeks pregnant today, I did some recollecting:

1. I still check for bleeding everytime I wee, poo, or anytime in between when I have a `wet' feeling in my nether regions. Other `normal' pregnant women in my situation are probably assembling baby cots by now.

2. I wake up, every morning without fail, and view my stomach against the mirror in the bedroom. I want to make sure the baby bump is still there, and all that had happened wasn't just a nice dream afterall.

3. At 5 months pregnant, and despite quite obviously showing, I still ask Apeman on a daily basis - do I look pregnant or do I look like I had a big meal instead?

4. I still stare at other pregnant women with admiration, but with small part of jealousy. I wish I can wear my pregnancy as proudly as they do. My sister was dying to take a picture of me with my baby bump, but I refused. I honestly don't know what I am scared of.

5. I bought a new bra today, a bigger one to fit my pregnant boobs, but kept the receipt, `just in case'.

Despite my various hang-ups, I am too happy to be here, right now, with my poopee. I love you so much it hurts me to think how little positiveness I have in me. I hope poopee you grow up to have the optimism of your father, even though he is a bit of an Apeman.

Date Night

2006-11-19T18:52:00.000+08:00

Finally I was able to convince Apeman, to spare himself from various brick-lifting activities, and take me to the movies on Saturday night. We haven't been on a date night for ages. Because we are both relatively quiet people (post marriage) we tend to be good homebodies and stay in most weekends.

We had a choice of either the intensely plotted `The Departed', or Jackass 2, and since I am a huge fan of the Knoxville team - of course it had to be the Jackass movie.

I wasn't disappointed. The over the top toilet humour was just what I needed - I haven't laughed like for a long time. As I was chuckling away I can feel my little poopee wriggling gently.

And I am sure nobody was seriously hurt in the movie...

Apparently...

2006-11-18T16:46:00.000+08:00

+

=

The Detour

2006-11-15T16:42:00.000+08:00

Really hot day today. I took my twins (new boobs) out to lunch with my friend who is leaving Perth for sunny Queensland next week.

On my way back from lunch, I was going to drop by Supre to look for a nice loose playsuit to wear because the days are definitely getting hotter. But I decided to finally break the ice with my infertility hang-ups and took a different turn into a baby shop with a warehouse type set-up.

I declined help from the shop assistant, and amused myself for about twenty minutes checking out the various type of beds, bassinets and cot sheets. I have no idea there are so many types of bed sheets/cloak things/wraps for babies. Who would know what a `bumper' is for without an illustrated pictorial?

There was a sale on, so I picked up a soft blanket, and two gorgeous little wraps for less than $30. All tastefully done and in my favourite colour. They are now safely tucked away in my drawer - and probably will be frequently played with (by me) over the next few months.

I Can Breathe....

2006-11-13T11:34:00.000+08:00

I just had my 19/20 week scan this morning. It has been so difficult to breathe for the past few months because of all the internet research I did, the stories I read regarding the tragedies of my fellow IF sisters, and personal stories from my friends.

I am so incredibly happy, and grateful, to say that everything is okay. The baby is a little bigger than expected which means it takes my EDD back three days to 3rd April. The moment the scan was completed I burst into tears for the second time this morning due to all the pant-up pressure (the first time was when we were told the sex of the baby).

And, I am not supposed to disclose the sex of the baby, but if you have been following my last few posts, I can say that my dream has come true. :)

Heaven Couldn't Wait

2006-11-11T14:10:00.000+08:00

Oh dear, dear God.

I thought Belinda was in remission and was ready to start a family with Rove - after all that she had been through.

I thought they will both live happily ever after - such a beautiful and sweet couple. Two kindred spirits.

May you rest in peace Belinda - you left behind a beautiful man who loves you very much.

Near Freak Incident

2006-11-10T12:37:00.000+08:00

So last night, whilst watching TV with Apeman, I ducked off during a commercial break to wee.

I wiped - and saw specks of bright red blood coming off with my cervical mucous. I wiped again, and again, and again, and it kept coming off. It wasn't much, just specks of blood, but bright red, and any bleeding is a freakout. And I am the queen of all freakouts.

Me: `So what do we do?'
Apeman: `It is probably nothing.'
Me: `So what happens if it is something? You are not supposed to see blood at 19 weeks?'

So, just on the safe side, Apeman took me to the hospital for a check up.

Thankfully the staff at the hospital were really helpful and calming. They checked to see if I have any cramping (no), weakness (no), or if I am bleeding clots (no). I was laid out on the examination table and a midwife used the doppler sound machine thing on me. We couldn't hear a heart beat. But we could hear the placenta pumping away.

`The sound of the placenta pumping blood is a good sign - it means there should be a heartbeat in there somewhere.' But she tried again and again and we could not hear the heart beat.

The doctor came in later and gave me an ultrasound. It took her two seconds to get a full picture of my little poopie. He/she was playing with his/her face, waving the arms about, and then all of sudden, decided to `moon' us all and did a 180 degree body flip. I can also faintly see the wriggling of fingers. We cannot see much else, but that was reassuring enough for us.

Thank you God for giving me this moment. I am so, so grateful.

The Other Dream

2006-11-09T14:30:00.000+08:00

Been having this dream since I left my full time engineering job.

It always starts with me running late for a lecture - and always physics. I hate physics - I try to have very little to do with it (though it doesn't work because I need it occasionally). I especially hated physics lectures. I can say I love Maths - but no, not physics. It's fucked.

Or - another scenario will be I was running behind with finishing off my assignment. I was running around everywhere - chasing after this and that and somehow I can never find the time to finish off my work even though I know it was due, like, yesterday.

I will be all anxious, because I was running so late, sometimes I cry because of the nervousness of it all. Sometimes I just wish this is all just a bad dream. And ha ha. It always was.

And I am always grateful to wake up and realise it has all been a bad dream. But it always leave a bad after taste in my mouth. Like I swallowed a bug or something. Or I wake up sweating profusely because I was so anxious.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not working anymore - it just feels like I am missing out of something everyday.

On a perkier note - I cut my hair yesterday. I had long, shiny, straight dark hair and I CUT it all off because it has been so hot. I did promise myself that if I ever get lucky (a.k.a. pregnant), I will cut my hair real short. The hairdresser did an okay job - afterwards I went home and laid in bed and couldn't say a word for the next three hours. I nearly cried. But didn't.

It was a little devastating, but it was, at the same time, like a soul revival.

The Dream

2006-11-07T17:35:00.000+08:00

So far this year I already had four or five baby dreams - three of them I had before I'd fallen pregnant.

Last night, it was a delivery dream. It was so realistic - I was calling my baby by the name me and Apeman had decided on years ago. I was cradling the baby as soon as she was born. (Yes, SHE. I always dream about giving birth to a baby girl). I was nursing her. I was comforting her when she started to cry. I was saying to the midwife - `It's her isn't it? It's a girl? It's my girl! It's M......'. Then the tears.

Was at Miss Maud's today getting my fix. A small slice of black forrest cake straight from heaven. I joked to the lady and said,

`Ha - maybe I should just buy the whole cake instead of this tiny slice and get it over and done with!'.

And then I felt a nudge in the pelvic region - much like a persistent caress.... my baby agreed.

I think.

People Should .....

2006-11-06T11:07:00.000+08:00

Yes. She and Guy Ritchie are rich, and thus this makes them powerful, and therefore they can adopt whenever and however way she wants.

Unlike the thousands of Australians who have to jump hoops and turn tricks for two+ years, spending bucketloads of money, just so they can be parents themselves. The same authorities should look into preaching birth control to 13 year olds who are kids themselves.

Another child is saved from poverty. People should just shut the fuck up and leave the new family alone so they can get on with their lives.

I maybe a little biased because I've been a fan when she was the Material Girl in the eighties...

17 weeks 4 days

2006-10-31T16:57:00.000+08:00

Two things:

1. My brother and new sister in law (who only got married four months ago at the age of 26) announced that they are pregnant - baby due only two months after ours. I was a little shocked but over the moon for them.

2. I found out by accident that my father is cheating on my mom with a tart young enough to be my daughter (and with a breathy little voice like Marilyn Monroe).... I can't verbalise this right now because it gets me angry and instill murder thoughts in my brain. I shall rationalise this in another post when I am ready. I really hate him right now. Fuck the both of them. Oh....have to stop here.

My first time parents friends rushed out to buy (and assembled on the same night) a baby bed - top of the range from Toys R Us - two days shy of her 10 week milestone. I can understand their excitement and admired their bravery.

The things I have collected so far:

1. Four infant one piece coveralls (furry type, thick for winter), in the colours of pink, lavendar, baby blue and navy blue. I was at the shops with my mother in law, and we came across these great bargains, they were heavily reduced to $2 each. My MIL insisted I buy them straight away because they were good quality rompers and at an incredibly ridiculous price. I was quite reluctant at first (I was 13 weeks then), but she was quite persistant. And so I did.

2. My goodie bag. I have this bag since I was 27. In it there is a cute baby girl dress, probably a tad too small but was meant for a newborn. There is also a yellow one piece overall, suitable for summer, it's cute with little bears on the chest. Then there is my favourite `bear ears' baby bonnet. I used to hold the bear ears against my face whenever I feel down (eg. after a bad IVF cycle). I want to feel something soft and beautiful and want to remind myself this journey is worth pursuing till the end.

3. My sister bought me a `superbaby' bib and two pairs of booties (suitably one pair of pink and one pair of blue). She bought them from Steve Irvin's Australia Zoo. I loved the gifts and the thought of having a piece of Steve's Zoo.

And that is all.

Speechless

2006-10-15T11:09:00.000+08:00

Words cannot even describe how I feel about this. I spent yesterday in tears - crying for Manuela, Mr P and their Shoelet.

I don't even know what to say.

I coincidentally was met by a bunch of teenage girls at the emergency hospital (I don't even want to elaborate why I was there, but I am okay). These girls were no taller or bigger than my 9 year old niece, three of them lugging a crawling baby with them. The `mother' was a emaciated white faced girl, probably 14? Maybe 15? She was apparently 8 weeks pregnant, and only a few months ago had a bad miscarriage, and now she is bleeding again. Her two friends were there to lend support and to look after her wandering baby in dirty clothes.

After waiting in the rooms for half an hour, she casually walked up to the Triage nurse and asked if there is enough time to `go out for a fag'. The nurse grimly nodded, and the girl fumbled in her bag for her cigarettes. She later returned with her friends and baby with packet chips, sausage roll for herself and bottles of coke for all. The baby wanted food. So she fed the baby big sips of coke, and pieces of chips. The baby cried for more, she told him to shut up you little shit. And turned to her friend and said this is so fucking annoying.

I cringed and closed my eyes.

The cat out of the recycled bag

2006-09-26T12:55:00.000+08:00

Finally my Apeman was able to tell his parents about our pregnancy. My poor Ape had been been withhelding the information for so long - and when he finally was able to tell his parents he couldn't be any prouder or happier. According to his parents, we are having a little piglet in accordance with the Chinese Zodiac calendar.

It took less than 8 hours for the news to travel. And the reaction we received was interesting.

We were greeted with a few - `Oh, FINALLY we are able to congratulate you guys! It's been a LONG while!'

Ah...yeah. Like 6 years. But we never told anybody we were actively trying. We kept our IVF journey to ourselves (apart from some understanding friends and workmates). And if anybody was nosey enough to keep asking, we simply reply with a curt `We're not ready to have children'. Didn't realise people were putting a timer on us.

But the rest of the reactions were nice. My grandma was really happy for me. I said I feel so bad that it happened only after my grandpa passed away, because I still miss him daily. Grandma said she will let Grandpa know, he will be so happy.

Physically-wise, I am looking a little rounder in the stomach at 12.5 weeks, a bit like the stomach I get after a big meal. But it is definitely noticably rounder just under the belly-button. I am also a littler clingier to Apeman....always wondering what he is doing and getting shitty about it. Apeman thought that was pretty amusing. He said I am a nag now.

About a year ago I was on vacation overseas and a girl at the make-up counter (from which I was buying something from), asked how far long was I. I then realised I was resting my contented stomach (from a big meal) on the counter whilst fumbling for my purse. I felt I had no choice but to admit (happily) that I was indeed pregnant. She said ahhhh congratulations I bet you are 3 months worth. It was so embarrassing and I went back to the hotel and did some stomach crunches immediately.

Today, after a big meal at a local cafe (cravings for eggs and bacon), the cafe owner came by and said - I bet you are having a girl. I was shocked to see he can actually see my belly - hidden under a loose top. I smiled and he told me he had three sons, so he can tell.

It was my first `pregnancy tag'. It was very nice for a change.

Dirt

2006-09-23T11:50:00.000+08:00

This is not a post about hygiene... but about something that is lower than the lowest form of scum.

Maybe a year ago or so, I mentioned in one of my post about one of Apeman's cousin-in-law - a man in his late thirties, who shouldn't be referred to as a man because he isn't. The biggest chauvinistic egotistic person I had ever known.

This person, I will call him Cousin J - was supposed to be happily married to Apeman's cousin for 14 years. They were childhood sweethearts, and because both were happy enough to not carry on with further education, they had decided to marry young and started a business in a small country town.

The business flourished, but there were rumours of fertility problems because the family chatters about it all the time. (You see my problem?). Six years later they decided to close down the business and move back to the city. A year later their first daughter was born under relatively stress free conditions (well, he didn't work).

Cousin J started to whinge to the Alpha Males of the family, about the importance of having a male `heir' (oh puuuuulease!), and how girls will eventually marry off and is worth nothing to her own family except to be fertility slaves to their husbands. This man clearly is from another century and probably should stay there.

Rumours of fertility problems kicked up again, this time it was secondary infertility for them. Everybody knew he was keen to have another child. Three and a half years later, the wife was finally pregnant again.

A scan was conducted at five months - the couple found out about the sex of the baby but kept to themselves. Things started to travel downhill from here. As the delivery date approaches, family and friends congratulated the couple for a job well done, it so happens one day my sister in law bumped into Cousin J at the shops, he was hanging out with mates whilst his heavily pregnant wife was at home tending to their daughter. My sister in law later recounted this conversation to me.

`Hey J, congratulations!'
`Yeah.'
`So you excited about the baby? It's due anyday now!'
`Yeah.'
`So that's it hey? Your wife must be stoked'
`Yeah well, you know, I want more children, I love kids so much I would love to have another one real soon.'
`....But you are having one real soon already? Isn't your wife due next week?'
`Yeah.'

He did not mention about the impending birth, nor did he show any excitement once the baby was born - another girl. The poor girl didn't have a name for a month because he was so disinterested in naming her.

Even before the forceps were packed away, and before the stitches were healed, Cousin J annouced the couple's third pregnancy a few months later. And probably with a sigh of relief from all - mostly from his wife, the third child was a boy. I saw the wife soon after the birth of their third child, she looked like mess trying to tend to three children on her own most times, and looked far older than her 36 years.

Interestingly, even with the birth of his famliy `heir', Cousin J showed very little emotion, and we saw even less of him. And even less of his children, we still aren't sure if the second child has a name.

It came to his wife's attention several months ago that, apparently Cousin J had fathered two children during his overseas visits (all conducted during his wife's pregnancies), and was (and still is) sleeping with a third girl who works with him. After months of trying to get her husband to go on a much needed holiday with her, his wife decided she had enough and went alone, only to discover that the same day she flew out of town he left his three kids with a friend and booked a romantic stay at a local holiday resort with his lover. The rest of the can of worms reviewed themselves soon after.

Divorce proceedings had been filed. Cousin J swears he will use his new found hobby (black magic) to hurt anybody who dares interferes with his marital and personal business.

Writing this post gives me a bad taste in my mouth. He is trully foul. He needs to be deported from this planet.

I am officially a stalker

2006-09-22T18:44:00.000+08:00

What do I do, when two days in a row I had stomach cramps, the boobs have gone done in size, and I don't `feel' pregnant anymore? I am no longer bloated either. No nausea in two weeks, only a slight sickly feeling at night time after dinner.

I go straight to the hospital again and scratched on their doors. I am officially their stalker of the year.

I went in there with a thick face - shyly (not slyly) checking myself in with the Triage nurse, then I sat down quietly in my corner to wait for a midwife to see me, whilst sneaking little looks at the nurse who was registering my details using the computer, just to make sure they hadn't posted my photo up on the `Dangerous - Do Not Admit' notice board.

I feel so embarrassed. But I guess it's okay to post this story here because you don't know how I look like.

Just happy to say, the cramps were due to my pelvic adhesions - a leftover gift from my previous operations, and possibly due to nerves. Not sure about the boobs and nausea - probably because the hormones have calmed already, I think. The uterus is already large enough to be scanned on the abdomen (instead of the pelvis). My little 12 week old wriggled, jerked, bounced and generally moved so much that the doctor had problems giving he/she the head to rump measurements - it is roughly 6cm. A little low on the amnionic fluids because I had been so nervously dehydrated - that's probably why my little one is jumping up and down!

I will try not to make another visit to the hospital - for as long as I can, unless I absolutely have to, spoken like a true stalker.

A Moment In Ape

2006-09-16T11:37:00.000+08:00

During a commercial break....

Apeman: 'Babe, why don't we go buy an ultrasound machine?'
Drew (choking): `Oh that's just so Tom and Katie.'
Ape: `Who's Tom and Katie?'
D: `Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. They had a baby girl you know.'
Ape: `Who's Katie Holmes?'
D: `Tom's fiance, "Joey" from Dawson's Creek.'
Ape: `Never heard of her.'
D: `She flashed her tits in that `Gift' movie about a clairvoyant.'
Ape: `Aw yeah, I know her. Why don't you say so in the first place. Still, an ultrasound machine would be good, you can see the baby everyday.'
D: `You can't just ultrasound yourself everyday, it can be dangerous, plus what the hell are you going to do with the machine once you are done with it?'
Ape: `I will give it to my brother.'

Thanks to everybody who dropped by with their congratulations. I am slowly getting used to the idea of being `pregnant' now. Yesterday I celebrated my 11 week milestone lying in bed because the uterus must be leaning on a nerve close to where my left ovary used to be. I have been getting these mind numbing pains all the way up my spine through to the tops of my left thigh. I asked Apeman is it too obsessive complusive to go straight to the emergency hospital for some answers. He calmly explained to me that it is probably the stomach ligaments stretching to accomodate the growing baby. So I should relax and focus on something else. He is amazing but I have to wonder where he got that bit of information from.

Hang-Ups

2006-09-11T12:29:00.000+08:00

I hope this doesn't read like one of those ungrateful, self-absorbed, smug-pregnant post. That is not my intention and I am never that type of girl. I am so incredibly humbled by what has happened to me and I still wake up every morning feeling incredibly grateful and in disbelieve.

************************************************************************************

You waited patiently for years for a miracle to happen, and would give anything to have a little life growing inside you - and to feel you are just as normal as the neighbours next door who said they wanted to conceive a baby by July and did - almost without effort.

Then the miracle happened. Or rather - like I used to say to girlfriends who are trying for a baby too - my number came up.

And then with every waking hour you spent checking for bleeding and assessing stomach twinges. Even during night time. When I wake up from my restless sleep I feel I need to wipe myself just to check. It's crazy.

It is so insane that yesterday, because I drank a little too much water in the morning, I ended up peeing every 10 minute or so. Plus these days the bladder doesn't work as well as it used to - it takes up to three or more trips to the toilet just to empty my bladder. So obviously I spent a little too much time wiping.

Then the next wipe I see faint spots of blood.

I shit myself. I couldn't breathe. I stopped doing everything. I took a shower and went to bed straight away. Apeman came home from hunting (he doesn't hunt for real, but he goes off and do things like move furniture for mates or bricks or what not all the time), and asked what's wrong babe.

`I think I am bleeding oh fuck.'

`Just calm yourself down, it will be okay.'

Then suddenly I realise I have been suppressing a light stinging sensation in my nether regions. I checked again. The bleeding came from the skin because I was WIPING MYSELF SO FREAKING MUCH!

You dopehead. I said to myself.

Just sleep because you are stressing yourself out and the baby. Just sleep.

And I did.

I confided in my sister-in-law about my pregnancy a few days ago, she had three kids and I figured I need to speak to somebody who had children more recent than my mom. She told me to relax, think happy thoughts for the baby. I said some days I really am happy - I think nursery, baby blues and pinks, I think about finally being able to hold my baby for the first time and kissing the baby multiple times on the cheek just like I do with Apeman when I am feeling lovable. Then there are the dark days - when I am feeling down and pessimistic. Sister in law reckons its the hormones - she said it often fluctuates and you can have very extreme moods.

I put it down to the hang-ups of being an infertile for so many years. I recently realise that my mother in law no longer talks to me about children (if somebody in the family has fallen pregnant, she tells everyone else but me). She won't even let me hold on to Apeman's niece's hand when we are out on the street - I don't know if she is being possessive of the child or maybe she thinks I must be some sort of anti-christ feminist who couldn't fall pregnant like everyone else in the family so all children must stay away from Aunty Drew. (She doesn't know about our pregnancy yet). And not just my mother in law - some friends are like that too.

I have to laugh - thinking that a couple of weeks ago I was asked by the sweet nurses from the fertility centre (who, bless them, circled me like I am the most popular girl in school), asked me if I have chosen an obs doctor yet and have I decided which hospital to give birth in. I stared at them blankly and said, `Really?'. It almost feel like they are talking to somebody behind me rather than me.

Okay - now that I have dumped all my hang-ups here, I feel much better.

Apart from this bonus of having a baby in my belly finally, I am also pleased to say I have also been blessed with a great set of boobs. Definitely an upgrade from my usual A-cup variety.

10 week scan

2006-09-09T11:58:00.000+08:00

We went to our 10 week scan yesterday. I woke up feeling edgy. I ate my lunch feeling edgy. I got dressed at 1pm when the appointment was for 4pm. Because I was feeling anxious, and edgy. So I try to relax and read some of the information leaflets Apeman brought home from the maternity hospital a few weeks ago (I checked myself in at 7 weeks due to minor bleeding).

Apeman got me the following pregnancy related information pamplets:
1. Eating for two
2. Thrush
3. Pre-menstrual Syndrome (??) Apparently Apeman thought PMS is a type of pregnancy symptom.

I am one of those really annoying people who turn up half an hour early for their appointments - even for waxing. So as usual I was half an hour early.

Fortunately my doctor was happy to see me (because he had a gap in appointments yesterday) so he ushered me into his office as soon as I walked into his practice. Initially he said why don't we try to do a pelvic scan, maybe we can see something there instead of having to go vaginally. I said okay. He rolled the scan across my pelvic region over and over again - nothing. Just masses of muscle can be seen on the screen - no gestational sac. No baby.

I panicked.

The doctor explained to me that it is because I have a big pelvic scar that was in the way (from my ovary exitus surgery) - so he didn't want to press any harder to get the picture. Let's go vaginal probe. He said remove your pants and we will try again.

Like my life depended on it, I pulled off my pants and panties in a hurry as soon as the doctor walked away.

My sweet Apeman came to help me.

`Don't worry babe, slow down, it's okay'.

Doctor came back - the vaginal probe feels alot larger than my scan at 8 weeks, or maybe because I am so swollen inside it seems to take ages for him gently ease the probe to the right spot.

Suddenly on the screen we see a blob. A small blob. Smaller than the image we saw during our 8 week scan. I was told to use my hands to support my buttocks so they can be lifted up slightly. It seemed to help a little.

`Ah...there's the little one, and there's the heartbeat'.

Apeman giggled a little upon seeing his unborn's heartbeat.

`How come it seemed so small?' I asked.

`It's because the baby is sitting at angle to us this time, so you are looking down at the baby's head or rump'.

Suddenly - on the screen I see something jerked. I saw a tiny little `branch' jerked outwards suddenly and then retreated.

`That's either the arm or leg, most probably the arm because they are longer than the legs at the moment.' Explained doc.

I started to tear up and smiled for the first time that day.

Doc tapped on the screen and said to my sweet little bub - `Come on, do it again for mom and dad.'

As if the baby heard him, one of the limbs jerked out again - this time a little wave, then retreated.

I thought I died and went to heaven. Last night I told Apeman the day we had today was one the happiest days of my life - so far.

In Silence

2006-09-06T17:29:00.000+08:00

In case if any of you had been dropping by and wondering what the hell happened to me. Well I have two good reasons:

1. My laptop got hijacked. Brother in law decided that he is better off taking MY laptop with him for his business holiday - that was a month ago. I got my laptop back today - completely scratched beyond recognition (my first reaction was - what is this piece of shit?) and missing the most important part - THE FREAKING POWER CONNECTION LEAD. Fuck's sake. He left it in China. Not sure if I will be getting a replacement back either.

2. I am pregnant. Petrified. Numb. Weeing up to 20 twenty times a day due to compressed bladder and anxious.

The number two statement is not a joke (neither was the first). I am still trying to come to terms with it and wake up daily thinking the worst is still to come because I am un-derserving. I am not shitting you. My doctor TOLD me I have no chance. It is not physically possible. Here's what happened.

Since coming back from my US holiday early July - I had been patiently waiting for my period to show up. I saw the doctor - he said you might as well think about alternative options because so far everything he throws in my direction is not working. I carried on my life as per normal - with no expectations and no regrets.

I honestly have no expectations.

Day 42 into my cycle and still no period. I rang the clinic and whinged - complaining that my ovary is playing up again and had lost the will to ovulate. The kind nurse said why don't you come in for a blood test to check for ovulation.

I did, and I have already ruled out a possible pregnancy because that sort of stories only happen to good and lucky people. Not me. Me with the inpenetrable endometrium. In saying that - this cycle I had carried out two ovulation tests and a pregnancy test at various times and were all negative. So that was that.

I didn't hear from the clinic that afternoon so eventually I called them for my results. I didn't want to sit through a sulky sunday contemplating surgery options and wondering why I cannot just ovulate like other women.

The nurse apologised for the late results, and told me the results were looking good so far(progesterone at 78), but they are still working on my pregnancy test. I was deliriously happy - "Does that mean I ovulated this cycle?", the nurse promptly replied, "Oh yes Drew you definitely did". I was happy as pie. I am normal. I went back to help Apeman with moving some 10 kg bags of cement from his truck.

Five minutes later. I got a call. It was nurse. She started off sounding all secretive. Then she told me she's got a positive on my pregnancy test.

I lost the ability to stand and speak English. I started to repeat `Wha..wha..wha?'. I was trying to ask her HOW, and WHY, and for how long. She must have been used to these type of reactions, so she told me my HCG was 12,500, and I am more than likely to be six weeks along. Apeman came from nowhere because he heard my wailing and hugged me tight.

I had been in a state of shock since then. I still cannot believe it. I haven't been able to verbalise my fear and cry tears of happiness since then. Except for sad movies, Australian Idol selection and some good advertisements showcasing babies and puppies.

I was discharged at 7 weeks from my fertility centre. Everybody contragulated my spontaneous pregnancy.

I had my 8 week scan. My bub was kicking and moving already and the little heart beating happily away. Not to mention the right dimensions for its age too.

On friday I will have my 10 week scan.

Nausea came in a hurry soon after I discovered my pregnancy, everything I eat comes out straight away. Fortunately nausea has stopped pretty much after 9 weeks, and now I am stuck with a sick feeling at night and can only be comforted through eating. (I hate a whole cake - please forgive me).

I am completely petrified and not able to explain what happened. I cannot even remember having sex and did not even know I ovulated and worried this maybe one of those immaculate conception. I didn't know I can do it naturally - after all those years of getting the best laboratory and technical help. I am the human walking and talking contraception and here I am, writing about my newfound pregnancy.

I have not told a soul. Only my mother knows. Because I am dead scared. I am trying to stay hopeful and be positive.

Mute is the Game

2006-08-09T09:47:00.000+08:00

Just dropping by to say thanks to all who left lovely, lovely comments for me. It is really nice to know that I have friends from the cyber-space who are so genuinely nice. I wish I can meet all of you and give you those hugs. Not cyber hugs - real, bear hugs.

Also want to let you know that my review appointment went pretty crap. I was told by my doc the following hard facts:

1. So far I had collected 13 IVF cycles, on top of that there were 4 cancelled cycles, numerous clomid cycles, injections cycles, tracking (non-medicated) cycles - over a span of 6 years. (Pffft...)
2. The final cycle was a PGD cycle, and achieved 11 follicles.
3. Only 8 made it to fertilisation.
4. Only 6 made it to blastocyst stage.
5. Only 1 out of 6 is classified normal.
6. Despite PGD results indicated that I indeed had a`normal' embryo to implant, the actual PGD screening in fact only screens for 13 known abnormalities. There are still hundreds which cannot be screened due to lack in technology. So the chances of my `normal' embryo been REALLY NORMAL is not exactly 100%. I almost snorted in front of the doctor at the remoteness of this conversation.

This is bullshit.

7. I asked a final question - what are my real chances? (If there is a time I wish to hear something positive, even bullshit lines like if I relax I can get pregnant, is right now). Instead he asked have I considered donor eggs? Have I got a sister who wants to lend me her eggs? What about a good friend? Have you considered adoption even? I said what do you mean doctor? He said Drew your chances of ever getting pregnant is looking GRIM. Yes - he said the bad word. GRIM.

And that was 3 weeks ago. I walked out of the clinic feeling like shit, but excited at the same time. I SOOOO want to prove him wrong. Instead of considering his `options', I asked to be monitored for an IUI cycle next time. I want to do something less invasive. He said Drew you are probably better off doing another PGD cycle - that is the only way you can ever conceive. I said no thanks doctor. Not until my next birthday. Please sign me up for an IUI. He reluctantly sent me off to the nurse to discuss IUI procedures.

But things are looking up. I promise. I will post again soon. I believe that this whole baby thing is all about timing. Not some tit-bit itsy bitsy bullshit screening that costs a shit load.

Watch this spot.

And whilst you are watching - you ladies out there who share my dream hang in there. It's worth the wait.

New Me

2006-07-11T17:07:00.000+08:00

So here I am - back from my long break. Spent a week in Hong Kong, then four weeks stumbling abouts with bad maps and bad driving in the US/Canada. It was wonderful to say the least. Oh we had lots of sex. Unprotected sex in various hotels around America. Nice ones with crisp 600 thread count sheets, dingy ones faintly smell of cigarettes and urine. And before anybody say anything about holiday lucky pregnancy.... (Snort). As if.

The propects of having no REAL job to go back to is scary. More on that later.

I went to check on my friend Thalia - and oh dear God. Oh Thalia. I am so sorry.

I was in Vancouver when my workmate informed us that his wife is pregnant after their second attempt at IVF. I was happy for them because I had the pleasure to bump into his wife at a local diner just before we left - and she is absolutely lovely. She has `new mom' written all over her. But by the time we reached LA a few weeks later - I got a sad email from him informing me that the pregnancy was tragically ectopic - and she had to be scheduled in for emergency surgery to `cut out the live embryo'. My heart broke on the spot. Oh dear God.

So after much soul searching during my holiday past month - and considered the fact that I actually enjoyed having sex the last few weeks without consciously thinking about getting pregnant, I figured, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE IN ALL OF THESE?

I spent enough time the past 6 years doing the IVF dance - fucking around with various expensive techniques and engaged in hardcore hormone experimentations, had tried to overcome my fear of injections and bloodtests, and spent weeks moaning about another IVF failure, and why couldn't I get pregnant just like Britney Spears, in the end what do I get out of it?

I just got older. And a little broke.

So in the light of all that positivity - I now am happy to say I am relatively content with my life. Just happy to be around, able to type, able to take time of work and just chill for a bit, and do some thinking.

For now anyway. Until the next hormone meltdown, I am happy to say I am A-okay.

Am having a review meeting with the big-Doc on Thursday to discuss my last failed cycle. He is probably going to say, blah blah, blah blah blah, your chances are slimmer now that you have done so many IVF cycles... but for an extra $4000 we can try this technique....

Last Day Charlie

2006-06-02T15:50:00.000+08:00

45 minutes to go. Till freedom – freedom from my day job.

I am feeling quite sad actually – because this is all I know – getting dressed in the morning, curling my eyelashes, trying to work out what to wear. Last minute ironing. Feed my poor dog who looks totally heartbroken every morning when we leave for work. Rush through peak hour traffic, then stagger into work in complete disarray and with mad hair.

Then a FULL day of waiting for the clock to tick away. Sometimes the excitement gets a bit too much for me because I have to wait for a blood test result or beta result. Those days are the absolute worst.

Dickwit just came by and made an attempt to look at the subject of this email (I am posting using work email) whilst pretending to ask me a question. I coolly waved him off. This is not the right time to ask me about a number I made up three months ago for some random calculation based on assumptions. Spare me the drama please.

42 minutes to go.

Against My Own Sane Will

2006-05-30T13:54:00.000+08:00

In my own little geek world (ie. my engineering department), we have a team of four people. I am the only girl (whoopie to that - because this means I am the resident secretary, minute-taker, computer expert, gofer, relationship analyst and social planner), the other two guys are married and are in their mid thirties, and another guy who is probably the luckiest of us all because he is a bachelor in his fourties and has an amazing bachelor pad complete with a personally designed and self built pergola and a custom ordered telescope. Oh, and no fertility problems.

By accident, whilst chatting to one of the married guys a few weeks ago, I discovered about his fertility problems - and realise him and his wife had just undergone their first IVF treatment just a month before my PGD cycle. Unfortunately for them, the result was a negative.

He was one of the people I let in about my PGD cycle, and he was one of the first person to ask me how did it go.

So anyway - today, as in right now, he is waiting for the beta result of their second cycle. He is so excited about it that he took the day off so he can wait by the phone with his wife. He told me yesterday that he is very optimistic that this is going to work for them, and in three months time when his wife is three months into her pregnancy, they will most likely sell their current house and buy a slightly bigger house to welcome the new baby - and if they couldn't find anything decent to buy, he might just put an extension to the house to accomodate a nursery. Then it will be more kids for them soon after the first one is born because they don't want to wait.

It's all very good and well, except this morning I arrived at work feeling like shit. It's as if I am going through the whole 2 week wait and beta result again. I feel lousy because it seems everybody else is getting pregnant after undergoing between 1 to 5 cycles and I am still pathetically charging on to double digits in IVF cycles undertaken.

My painful day got worse because some irritating shithead keeps popping by my workstation to check out what I have on screen but pretend he wasn't really looking at my screen by generating some mindless conversation about microsoft word printing or some shit like that. And when I quickly minimise my webpage he giggled and said oh what were you looking at? Is there something you don't want to share? He he he. Show us show us.

Oh yes dickwit, its my blog on infertility about vaginal ultrasounds, heavy periods and passing of clots. You want to have a read?

If I am an alcoholic - this will be the day I break the spell and drink myself stupid.

But I will settle with a piece of black forrest cake. Just one piece.