Hello from The NeverNeverLand!

I thought I will do a post and provide an update because I just remembered this blog and came back to have a read, and realised there are still people reading it! Thank you for dropping by and I hope my story (though badly written and horribly presented, nothing fancy like some of the nice blogs out there) will offer some help or even hope to those who are still waiting for their dreams to come true.

I know what is like to feel desperate and completely hopeless, wondering if there is anybody out there who feels the same, and the need to read just ONE story with a happy ending.

My girls are now 1 and 3.5 years old. After my experiences as an infertile seems to have shaped the type of mum I want to be. Before I was always firm about returning to work and maybe re-establish my half-ass career after the years of infertility emotional roller coaster ride. But now that my girls are here with me, I just want to stay home and be a soccer mum. My older daughter (Poopie, as I lovingly referred to her as when she was inside me) has Specific Langauge Impairment, which means her speech is slow to evolve and may take years of speech therapy to get it right. But she is bright as a button, very emotional and cheeky. Although it has been very tough coping with her speech delay (and breaks my heart when I see her sadness when she couldn't communicate with us some of her needs) - I only need to think of how difficult our journey was to conceive her - we can overcome anything! Her sister on the other hand surprises me with her early speech and has a completely different persona compared to her sister. Both are gorgeous girls - the little girls from my dreams all those years ago. I can go on forever about how grateful I am to have two gorgeous girls.

And tutus....how many tutus do you think a girl needs? Oh the joys of shopping for them.

I sincerely wish for all of your dreams to come true.

Call in the big band, it's a celebration!

On 20th August 2009, and once again like last time, my waters ruptured just past midnight after two days of on-off labour pains. And once again Apeman expertly jumped out of bed and got me the towels and mobile phone to call the labour ward. This time seemed alot more painful because I was quite advanced into the labour, and the epdiural didn't quite work on one side of my body.

Erin Carmen was born three hours later. She was premature at 36 weeks and was a skinny rabbit, but at a good size of 2.7kg. I required no stitches, just some painful swelling in my la-la but by the third day I reckon I could've run the marathon. This body is designed for child birth!!!! I used a bit of gas to help me through the labour when I was waiting for the epidural guy, but once the epidural kicked in (or rather, it didn't quite), I still feel the pain and pressure but I was desperate to get my baby out!!!! So I just PUSSSSSHED!

Erin spent a total of 9 days in the neo-natal unit because of her size and also for her to establish feeding. By the time we left the hospital she is a brilliant breastfeeder, and is a gorgeous little pocket rocket.

Though I am a little tired from the lack of sleep and energy looking after my two princesses, I can safely say I am the happiest mum in the world. Who would've thought? The ultimate walking contraceptive device just had her second child?

Happy, just very, very happy.

30 weeks and counting

I know. It's been a while.

Let's see, the lack of internet access due to a house move, lack of a reliable computer to type my most secret messages and thoughts, a growing toddler who demands my attention, a tiring pregnancy....all of the above excuses. Pathetic!

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. The mind boggling bleeding I experienced was initially due to a mild case of placenta aruption, a small 1cm tear of the placenta away from my womb. Then of course after that `little' scare, a subsquent scan revealed I have a mild case of placenta previa - which means the placenta is partially covering the cervix. 21 week scan revealed the placenta has grown away, and I was in the clear. This will be confirmed in three weeks time when I have another scan to determine the exact location of the placenta.

Otherwise - all is good. I believe this is going to be a baby for me in the end, I very much hope so.

This second pregnancy is an active one - my gorgeous Poopee is so beautifully weaved into our lives, I spend all my time with her. Maybe this is not healthy, but I really enjoy it. We even sleep together and she always nuzzle her sweet smelling head into my chest and with her hand down my top. And the excitement continues as we will be expecting another new life into our world. I don't even know what to say, just incredibly blessed. Even the impending sleepless hours seems like a blessing....I think.

I hope to write more but that bloody Apeman is hoping for some dinner. Better get going. Thanks for keeping up with me!

Hanging

17.5 weeks today.

Spotting has stopped since four weeks ago, but then the last day or so we are back to spotting. If I am not already showing I would completely freak. Well, I still freak, but not as much.

What can I do anyway? I can only sit here and wait for another doctor's appointment to give me some sort of confirmation that things are going to be ok. Just mysterious blood from mysterious parts of my inner regions. Baa....fuck. (I give up).

On the up side - I can feel small little fluttery movements occasionally. Even as early as 13 weeks!!! Braxton Hicks started early this time at 15 weeks. I now remember how uncomfortable the BH's are with my first pregnancy, especially when they happen later in third trimesters - the teeth clenching ones that takes your breath away.

Poopee-wise - that girl is my little heartbreaker. She is such a little mini-me. She is developing such a strong little personality that almost gets what she wants. We had an eventful little outing to Ikea during the long Easter weekend and she went absolutely mental there. She had a shit-fit because she couldn't wander off on her own and climb a display unit...something like that. Both Apeman and I agree that will be one of the very last trips to Ikea as a family. We did manage to purchase a cute little toddler bed for her, with the mattress and matching sheet sets.

Oh - and she is not eating. She is such a super fussy eater. I am now running out of ideas as to what to feed her. No she doesn't like pasta or rice, or finger foods, or mushy foods, or colourful foods, or even foods you consider the worst for children - she won't have a bar of it. Just super picky. I am taking her to see a paed next week just to see what's going on.

My already swollen fat fingers, and fat feet, can only take me this far this time. Time to get up for a little walkabout!

A real baby

All ok!

We are having a baby. I hope!

Passed first trimester screening. There are good probabilities for a healthy baby. Ultrasound reveals an energetic baby in the correct measurements. Nuchal measurement was 1.55mm.

Small tear just underneath the placenta. Hopefully the blood clot will heal as I enter second trimester next week. I am still spotting considerably every few days. Yesterday I woke up to horrendus bleeding but I have to remind myself - be calm, be calm.

If I can jump up and down for joy, I would at this moment. But as per the doctor's orders, I will take it easy and jump up and down in my mind. Sweet sweet thoughts.

Back from the dead

I don't even know where to begin. I am in tears as I write this. The past month or so has been difficult. The longest days and nights.

I am still pregnant. I don't even know how to begin to explain how I feel at the moment. Very blessed, stressed out, confused, hate to wake up in the mornings.

All of the above.

To clarify a few things - I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. And 1 day. 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The sort of pregnancy progress people jump over joy with. I made it! Yeah! Let's tell people!

I have been staying away from my blog because it seems every time I make a new post about a little bit of progress, or joy, I get knocked back. So I was just too scared to jinx myself and had to stay away.

The past few weeks I had been to many ultrasounds, many consultations with my doctor. He offers me no nonsense ultrasounds to give me reassurance that I have a baby inside with a beating heart. And many times I see this gorgeous being, this beautiful bean who grew into a little alien person. Already showing its long limbs, playing with its little hands. Even rubbing its face. At 12 weeks. Wow. Completely overwhelms me. Makes me cry everytime.

And I swear I can already feel the small flutters. Don't know if I imagined it.

From 6 weeks I had brown/red watery bleeds. I get them nearly every three days. And if I am really blessed, I get them every four to five days. Those days are beautiful. Blissful to the point I can almost see happy ending of the pregnancy - a babe in arms. Another pair of eyes so similar to the ones I look into everyday, my gorgeous Poopee. The bleeding gets progressively worse, to the point where it became bright red and with bits of clots. Imagine that, my knees shake and I couldn't breathe everytime. Every morning when this happens. I now no longer look forward to the end of the day, because that will mean I will have to face the next morning with the possibility of another bleed.

For weeks there had been no answers. Then by chance I was given a cervix inspection and doctor discovered a small patch of cervix erosion, hormonally related bleeding but has nothing to do the progress of the pregnancy. A few days ago, after yet another big bleed, ultrasound revealed a tear in the uterine lining. A small separation concealing a blood clot between uterus and the lining that protects the baby. Subchorionic hematoma. It is probably nothing, which may heal over time, or may not. But definitely contributes to the bleeds I have been getting.

At this stage, I am still not comfortable letting people know about the pregnancy. Though it does not help that I am already showing. Next week my first trimester screen. I will get some dimensions of this blood clot on the day.

I guess worse things can happen. I just need to get used to seeing the volume of blood and think of it as normal. I hope for my little one's sake, that everything is going to be ok. I have seen this baby and I want this baby very, very much. I hope my body doesn't let it down.

In the mean time, I count down to tomorrow. Tomorrow is a bleed day. Sigh.

I don't even know what to say.

I got my bad nausea back again after dinner last night. Throwing up every fifteen minutes or so. Things were looking up. I am pregnant.

I woke up exhausted this morning, only to discover a heap of blood on my panty liner. I wiped and wiped and keep wiping fresh red blood.

I know in my heart things are nearly, if not already, over.

I don't understand. I really don't understand. We all saw a strong heartbeat in my doctor's rooms last night.

I am starting to think maybe Poopee is indeed a miracle. Not just in typed words - but a miracle that needs to be celebrated everyday. Because I got pregnant with her without knowing that I could, and carried her to term without any mishaps. After so many years of struggling with fertility and she happened without a glitch. And I thank God for that.

I was told to rest my feet up this morning despite the obvious, and a scan tomorrow to check what is going on. I am not being pessimistic. I am being realistic.

I am grateful for the opportunities, but is completely heartbroken to be me right now. I just don't know what to say.