Hello from The NeverNeverLand!

I thought I will do a post and provide an update because I just remembered this blog and came back to have a read, and realised there are still people reading it! Thank you for dropping by and I hope my story (though badly written and horribly presented, nothing fancy like some of the nice blogs out there) will offer some help or even hope to those who are still waiting for their dreams to come true.

I know what is like to feel desperate and completely hopeless, wondering if there is anybody out there who feels the same, and the need to read just ONE story with a happy ending.

My girls are now 1 and 3.5 years old. After my experiences as an infertile seems to have shaped the type of mum I want to be. Before I was always firm about returning to work and maybe re-establish my half-ass career after the years of infertility emotional roller coaster ride. But now that my girls are here with me, I just want to stay home and be a soccer mum. My older daughter (Poopie, as I lovingly referred to her as when she was inside me) has Specific Langauge Impairment, which means her speech is slow to evolve and may take years of speech therapy to get it right. But she is bright as a button, very emotional and cheeky. Although it has been very tough coping with her speech delay (and breaks my heart when I see her sadness when she couldn't communicate with us some of her needs) - I only need to think of how difficult our journey was to conceive her - we can overcome anything! Her sister on the other hand surprises me with her early speech and has a completely different persona compared to her sister. Both are gorgeous girls - the little girls from my dreams all those years ago. I can go on forever about how grateful I am to have two gorgeous girls.

And tutus....how many tutus do you think a girl needs? Oh the joys of shopping for them.

I sincerely wish for all of your dreams to come true.

Call in the big band, it's a celebration!

On 20th August 2009, and once again like last time, my waters ruptured just past midnight after two days of on-off labour pains. And once again Apeman expertly jumped out of bed and got me the towels and mobile phone to call the labour ward. This time seemed alot more painful because I was quite advanced into the labour, and the epdiural didn't quite work on one side of my body.

Erin Carmen was born three hours later. She was premature at 36 weeks and was a skinny rabbit, but at a good size of 2.7kg. I required no stitches, just some painful swelling in my la-la but by the third day I reckon I could've run the marathon. This body is designed for child birth!!!! I used a bit of gas to help me through the labour when I was waiting for the epidural guy, but once the epidural kicked in (or rather, it didn't quite), I still feel the pain and pressure but I was desperate to get my baby out!!!! So I just PUSSSSSHED!

Erin spent a total of 9 days in the neo-natal unit because of her size and also for her to establish feeding. By the time we left the hospital she is a brilliant breastfeeder, and is a gorgeous little pocket rocket.

Though I am a little tired from the lack of sleep and energy looking after my two princesses, I can safely say I am the happiest mum in the world. Who would've thought? The ultimate walking contraceptive device just had her second child?

Happy, just very, very happy.

30 weeks and counting

I know. It's been a while.

Let's see, the lack of internet access due to a house move, lack of a reliable computer to type my most secret messages and thoughts, a growing toddler who demands my attention, a tiring pregnancy....all of the above excuses. Pathetic!

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. The mind boggling bleeding I experienced was initially due to a mild case of placenta aruption, a small 1cm tear of the placenta away from my womb. Then of course after that `little' scare, a subsquent scan revealed I have a mild case of placenta previa - which means the placenta is partially covering the cervix. 21 week scan revealed the placenta has grown away, and I was in the clear. This will be confirmed in three weeks time when I have another scan to determine the exact location of the placenta.

Otherwise - all is good. I believe this is going to be a baby for me in the end, I very much hope so.

This second pregnancy is an active one - my gorgeous Poopee is so beautifully weaved into our lives, I spend all my time with her. Maybe this is not healthy, but I really enjoy it. We even sleep together and she always nuzzle her sweet smelling head into my chest and with her hand down my top. And the excitement continues as we will be expecting another new life into our world. I don't even know what to say, just incredibly blessed. Even the impending sleepless hours seems like a blessing....I think.

I hope to write more but that bloody Apeman is hoping for some dinner. Better get going. Thanks for keeping up with me!

Hanging

17.5 weeks today.

Spotting has stopped since four weeks ago, but then the last day or so we are back to spotting. If I am not already showing I would completely freak. Well, I still freak, but not as much.

What can I do anyway? I can only sit here and wait for another doctor's appointment to give me some sort of confirmation that things are going to be ok. Just mysterious blood from mysterious parts of my inner regions. Baa....fuck. (I give up).

On the up side - I can feel small little fluttery movements occasionally. Even as early as 13 weeks!!! Braxton Hicks started early this time at 15 weeks. I now remember how uncomfortable the BH's are with my first pregnancy, especially when they happen later in third trimesters - the teeth clenching ones that takes your breath away.

Poopee-wise - that girl is my little heartbreaker. She is such a little mini-me. She is developing such a strong little personality that almost gets what she wants. We had an eventful little outing to Ikea during the long Easter weekend and she went absolutely mental there. She had a shit-fit because she couldn't wander off on her own and climb a display unit...something like that. Both Apeman and I agree that will be one of the very last trips to Ikea as a family. We did manage to purchase a cute little toddler bed for her, with the mattress and matching sheet sets.

Oh - and she is not eating. She is such a super fussy eater. I am now running out of ideas as to what to feed her. No she doesn't like pasta or rice, or finger foods, or mushy foods, or colourful foods, or even foods you consider the worst for children - she won't have a bar of it. Just super picky. I am taking her to see a paed next week just to see what's going on.

My already swollen fat fingers, and fat feet, can only take me this far this time. Time to get up for a little walkabout!

A real baby

All ok!

We are having a baby. I hope!

Passed first trimester screening. There are good probabilities for a healthy baby. Ultrasound reveals an energetic baby in the correct measurements. Nuchal measurement was 1.55mm.

Small tear just underneath the placenta. Hopefully the blood clot will heal as I enter second trimester next week. I am still spotting considerably every few days. Yesterday I woke up to horrendus bleeding but I have to remind myself - be calm, be calm.

If I can jump up and down for joy, I would at this moment. But as per the doctor's orders, I will take it easy and jump up and down in my mind. Sweet sweet thoughts.

Back from the dead

I don't even know where to begin. I am in tears as I write this. The past month or so has been difficult. The longest days and nights.

I am still pregnant. I don't even know how to begin to explain how I feel at the moment. Very blessed, stressed out, confused, hate to wake up in the mornings.

All of the above.

To clarify a few things - I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. And 1 day. 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The sort of pregnancy progress people jump over joy with. I made it! Yeah! Let's tell people!

I have been staying away from my blog because it seems every time I make a new post about a little bit of progress, or joy, I get knocked back. So I was just too scared to jinx myself and had to stay away.

The past few weeks I had been to many ultrasounds, many consultations with my doctor. He offers me no nonsense ultrasounds to give me reassurance that I have a baby inside with a beating heart. And many times I see this gorgeous being, this beautiful bean who grew into a little alien person. Already showing its long limbs, playing with its little hands. Even rubbing its face. At 12 weeks. Wow. Completely overwhelms me. Makes me cry everytime.

And I swear I can already feel the small flutters. Don't know if I imagined it.

From 6 weeks I had brown/red watery bleeds. I get them nearly every three days. And if I am really blessed, I get them every four to five days. Those days are beautiful. Blissful to the point I can almost see happy ending of the pregnancy - a babe in arms. Another pair of eyes so similar to the ones I look into everyday, my gorgeous Poopee. The bleeding gets progressively worse, to the point where it became bright red and with bits of clots. Imagine that, my knees shake and I couldn't breathe everytime. Every morning when this happens. I now no longer look forward to the end of the day, because that will mean I will have to face the next morning with the possibility of another bleed.

For weeks there had been no answers. Then by chance I was given a cervix inspection and doctor discovered a small patch of cervix erosion, hormonally related bleeding but has nothing to do the progress of the pregnancy. A few days ago, after yet another big bleed, ultrasound revealed a tear in the uterine lining. A small separation concealing a blood clot between uterus and the lining that protects the baby. Subchorionic hematoma. It is probably nothing, which may heal over time, or may not. But definitely contributes to the bleeds I have been getting.

At this stage, I am still not comfortable letting people know about the pregnancy. Though it does not help that I am already showing. Next week my first trimester screen. I will get some dimensions of this blood clot on the day.

I guess worse things can happen. I just need to get used to seeing the volume of blood and think of it as normal. I hope for my little one's sake, that everything is going to be ok. I have seen this baby and I want this baby very, very much. I hope my body doesn't let it down.

In the mean time, I count down to tomorrow. Tomorrow is a bleed day. Sigh.

I don't even know what to say.

I got my bad nausea back again after dinner last night. Throwing up every fifteen minutes or so. Things were looking up. I am pregnant.

I woke up exhausted this morning, only to discover a heap of blood on my panty liner. I wiped and wiped and keep wiping fresh red blood.

I know in my heart things are nearly, if not already, over.

I don't understand. I really don't understand. We all saw a strong heartbeat in my doctor's rooms last night.

I am starting to think maybe Poopee is indeed a miracle. Not just in typed words - but a miracle that needs to be celebrated everyday. Because I got pregnant with her without knowing that I could, and carried her to term without any mishaps. After so many years of struggling with fertility and she happened without a glitch. And I thank God for that.

I was told to rest my feet up this morning despite the obvious, and a scan tomorrow to check what is going on. I am not being pessimistic. I am being realistic.

I am grateful for the opportunities, but is completely heartbroken to be me right now. I just don't know what to say.

Apparently approximately 7 weeks

The title may explain the current situation. Apparently I am still pregnant despite the bleeding and sudden disappearance of nausea.

Good doctor was able to squeeze me in for a scan. He is such a good doctor so I didn't feel any discomfort during the vaginal scan, he easily got into position and a further two seconds later he announced that all is good nothing to worry about.

`Ha?'

A close up revealed a beating heart. Gallop-gallop-gallop-gallop. Cervix closed. Only one sac. 7 weeks tomorrow.

Again nothing and nobody can explain the bleeding. I also bled at 6 weeks 3 days with Poopee. But it was not as much blood like today. And today the bleeding went on for quite a while.

For my peace of mind another scan was booked in a few weeks time. I don't know if I can wait that long but I will have to. Calm works. Panic and stressed doesn't.

Stay. Calm. Stay. Calm. Stay. Calm.

6 weeks 3 days

I started to bleed this morning when I woke up.

Had really bad nausea right up until early this morning, then suddenly ZAP! - everything is gone. Not even that sickly feeling anymore.

Bleeding getting heavier by the minute. Rang the good doctor this morning and was able to secure a scan this afternoon - two days ahead of our scheduled appointment.

Numb. Not scared. Just numb.

6 weeks and barfing

Ok.

So it's really here. The barfing and wanting to barf feeling.

A mum in playgroup who is five months into her second pregnancy proudly bragged about her zero nausea throughout her last and current pregnancies. Not even the slightest.

I was in fact having this conversation with her on wednesday during playgroup that I suddenly had this funny taste in my throat. It's heeeeeere.

Apeman was changing Poopee last night when I was throwing up in the basin. Poopee saw my distress, and my gorgeousness, her lips trembled and she made herself cry. Afterwards I told Apeman I better do my throwing up elsewhere and away from Poopee next time.

Still calm. Everything is normal except I am hiding this pregnancy from the world (not the cyberworld of course) until I get a bit more reassurance.

I am at the hands of the higher beings. But I am happy already. Just happy.

5.5 Weeks

HCG = 24, 614
P4 = 105

Numbers alot higher than the last pregnancy, but on par with the first (Poopee). I know these numbers are not meant to be comparable, since every pregnancy is different. But I guess this means things are okay for now.

Scan moved forward to next friday as per the instructions of my good doctor. I hope to see a happier picture this time. I can only hope. I am staying aloof until then.

Cool as a cucumber.

Hideous image seen today at the maternity hospital (where I had my blood test). A girl looked about eighteen and was heavily pregnant, she was wearing hospital gown and slowly waddled on the hospital sidewalks with her mum, obviously for a pre-labour stroll. Smoking full strength cigarettes. She didn't even consider going down in dosage. That poor baby inside.

Obama 2009!!!

What more can I say. This man is motivational, I cannot wait to see the footage of him sworning in as the 44th American President. With the way things are going at the moment, I am going to cry my eyes out. I was reading the newspaper about the Hudson River plane crash the other day and I was crying like a baby. Apeman walked past and thought I was crazy. Bloody pregnancy hormones.



Here's a number one from my girl for the president elect.

Thanks for the recent comments on my blog! This one is for you Endobaby, from my chubba bubba to your chubba bubba!

Strange symptom this time - I had to empty my bowels a few times a day. If I don't go I feel like I will explode. Bloodtest either tomorrow or thursday. Then first scan on 7th Feb.

The Catch Up

Where do I start?

Back in September/October, when the second pregnancy didn't work out, tissue from the D&C was sent to the lab for analysis - a post mortem so to speak. It was costly considering how routine this test actually is. I read in the newspaper today that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So after what seemed to be weeks of waiting, heartbreakingly I wanted to find out the sex of the baby because at least I can mourn my little embryo with a gender-appropriate name (despite naming her initally as Penelope), the results came conclusively and dismissively as `insufficient tissue to conduct analysis'. I never get to find out why things didn't work out.

Weeks of mild depression, followed by constant nagging by close family and relatives that my little Poopee is not talkative - at all. My Poopee was 19 months old when we took her to the doctors for a routine hearing test - since this is the first thing they test if a toddler is not verbal. I never suspected anything - really - she is totally gorgeous. She communicates well (just not verbally) with other people, makes good eye contact, loves engaging in people with small jibberish talk, and has a pretty good understanding of our instructions to her. In two, even three languages.

The hearing test was a negative. Sounds couldn't travel past her ear drums, which means she has only partial or no hearing - which may explain her lack of speech. We were referred to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, whom referrred us to an Audiologist and did a more comprehensive hearing test. Similar results. She had some degree of hearing but there was definitely a loss. The Ear specialist tried to look into her ears to see past the eardrum (checking for glue ears), he discovered her eardrum was completely covered up with wax, so much so that he couldn't even see her eardrum.

December 15th 2008, worst day of my life. My Poopee was scheduled into the hospital she was born in (ironically). Doctor had to give her ears a good clean (whilst she was under general anesthethic), and to check for glue ears. For glue ears he had to pierce her eardrums with the tiniest of needle and insert tiny little grommits to allow dry air circulation. This is all to improve her hearing.

I had to hold her down whilst they insert the needle into her wrist, the drugs to make her go to sleep. I know that needle, the last time that needle went into my wrist I was at my D&C. That needle really hurt. They did that to my poor Poopee twice because the first time didn't hit a vein. She was wailing and screaming and crying out in pain as I held her down. I had to be supported out of the theatre because I was crying so much I couldn't even walk. I wasn't a very strong mum for Poopee unfortunately.

It was over and one with within five minutes. Poopee woke up very pissed off. The good news was she didn't have glue ears. So no grommits were needed. She just had ALOT of wax in her ears. So much that it impaired her hearing. Her hearing has now been restored.

Since then we noticed only a slight improvement in her speech. She doesn't copy words well, and only uses a few words. I am a bit terrified that there is something else wrong with her speech abilities, though Apeman thinks I worry too much. She is now 22 months. Yes she is slow with her speech, but she will catch up. In the mean time we have regular sessions with a speech therapist to help us.

And on top of all the medical appointments and constant worrying over her speech and eating (or the lack of) - I developed insomnia. I laid in bed for 10 hours whilst Poopee sleep peacefully away, wide awake. Even sleep aid in both natural and medical ingredients didn't help. The worst was sleeping just two hours in four days. It was worst than dying. For me anyway.

Thankfully I regained my ability to sleep as soon as Poopee had her surgery. I stopped worrying and slept well since. But am afraid it will happen again.

Then December 27th, Apeman left that night for a work trip. He said he was keen for a baby (again) so let's get it on etc. We did it just before he left for the airport.

Biiiiiiiiiiiiig.

Two days before my period was due (things been very regular since my D&C), I felt really tired, so tired even after a restful night of sleep. The day my period was due, January 11th 2009, I bought a pregnancy test kit and peed on it. Two lines very quickly.

I was stunned. To have it happen again, like this.

This time I am completely cool about it. I am going to sit tight, and wait for a blood test next friday. Seven weeks scan already booked in with my good doctor.

Hello from an old friend from far far away

Still here. Thanks to those who have been dropping by!

Lots of things happened. I will post about them later when Apeman gives me more than two minutes on this damn computer.

Nearly five weeks pregnant again. I feel pretty numb. Not as nervous as last time. And don't feel pregnant either. Just bone tired and want to empty my bowels alot.

I am not going to stress about something that is completely beyond my control. I will not.

I listen to myself

Today has been an okay day. Poopee ate all her meals, she pooped a couple of times (which is usual for us), and she is just her usual gorgeous self. But active. Very active. Chasing around the shops active.

Took her to the shops to have professional photos done today. I jumped in for a couple of cute mum and daughter shots. Just how can this be possible, me having a daughter, a little girl so gorgeous I ask to kiss her all the time (not that she has a choice).

There are still many nights I think about my little peanut, my small little heartbeat. I think about what-ifs, I think about what to do next year around his/her due date. And once again, I find it difficult to be around pregnant women. Damn that. double damn that. I thought I was cured. This friday I am going to dodge a planned outing with several mums from playgroup. One of the non-regular mums is already pregnant and is showing and is dying to show us her baby bump. I am not ready for that yet.

A distant friend phoned today. She had her daugther a little less than a year after Poopee was born. She told me she is returning to the workforce next week, and asked me, without alot of tact I must say, when am I going to start looking for work again since Poopee is so old already.

Well. My mouth quivered and uttered a whole heap of excuses, using keyphrases such as `she is sick all the time', `worried she might climb out of her cot and nobody is watching her', `don't trust childcare facilities', `maybe wait till she turns two'. She wasn't too convinced and dug further and assured me childcare facilites are more than fine etc. I felt terrible afterwards. I felt a little useless. I felt like maybe it is time to get a job.

Then five minutes passed. I got angry.

I know what I want. I have always known. I wanted to be a mum for so damn long, and now that I am a mum, I will be a stay at home mum for as long as I fucking want and for as long as it is financially secure enough for us to do so. I want to spend my day hanging out with my daughter, and spend an hour in the afternoon napping together. I just wish I had the courage and the right frame of mind to say that to her. Bitch.

The D and C

So the D&C happened on Monday. I actually started to bleed a little heavier the night before, with some decent cramps on Sunday afternoon. But I didn't bleed any heavy tissue or clots. It was just like a normal period if I tried not to think about what is actually inside.

But it was not meant to be, I was not meant to have the failure of the pregnancy resolved naturally. I went to the hospital myself early Monday morning by Taxi, leaving my two loves at home. Just sad to think later on that day I was to return home alone. Just myself.

I only slept an hour the night before. But I felt freshly awake.

I was given a couple of sedatives to help me relax prior to the procedure, which I was thankful for, and it felt like only five minutes had passed before the orderlies wheeled me into the theatre. My doctor spoke to me before, gently asking me if I was okay and patted me on the knee for reassurance. He asked for my consent to carry out a chromosome check on the embryo and endometrial products afterwards. I agreed.

I didn't have a last thought before I went unconscious, I really regret it now. I wish I have a nice thought, or at least think about something sentimental before I went under. But no it didn't happen. The next thing I know I woke up with a male orderly looking down at me, he said something I couldn't understand, but that's when I knew it was finally over.

Then back in my room - I cannot exactly remember crying but I must have because I was asked if I needed to see a chaplin. Not religious myself, but I felt it will be comforting to see a chaplin. The chaplin thankfully was a warmly spoken woman who held my hand and listened to me talked jibberish between sobs. She asked if I wanted her to say a prayer for us I agreed. It was really beautiful, she asked God for a warm spot in his beautiful place for my little peanut. She later gave me a soft love heart made of fabric and wool. Something tangible to hold onto. It was yellow with white little spots on it. The prettiest and happiest colour on the palette.

Later when Apeman came to pick me up, we went to the chapel within the hospital complex and I lit a candle.

And then we return home.

Still waiting for the much dreaded miscarriage. More than a week on.

Thanks to everyone who dropped by, quite a few new names and faces. Thank you so much to each of you. It really means alot to me.

I had some serious cramps the day after the final ultrasound. And since then I had a few small bleeds, but it is very light and it comes and goes. The uterus feels very heavy tonight. It feels like things are going to drop any second. I am so scared. I don't know if I am ready to see my pregnancy on its way out.

I talked to a mum friend, who had a similar experience recently (baby stopped growing at 6 weeks), and she described to me in detail what happened during her miscarriage. I want to be prepared for it. So upon her suggestion, I now permanently sit on a super-sized pad in case it happens.

I had been in contact with my doctor and he has organised a D&C for me upon my request. It will happen next Monday regardless of whether a natural misscarriage happens prior. It is not my intention to have medical intervention, to have my sweet little embryo sucked out of me, but because my body is not releasing the pregnancy naturally, I think this is the only other option. It breaks my heart thinking about it, the D&C. I am in pain. I still cry. I no longer enjoy my only solitary time at night - my shower - because I cry. So many things I want to say but don't know how to.

The irony is I am still getting a nauseous feeling at night. It is so sick. I have this sick feeling in my throat, just like I did when I was pregnant with Poopee, and during this pregnancy with Penelope. I don't know why I am still getting this terrible feeling. It just makes me even sadder.

I have won the lottery once already. I never ask for more. I never dare to ask for a miracle to happen twice. But it did and now it has been taken away. But this is not the reason I am sad, I am sad because I saw another life inside me. And then it wasn't living.

I now only wish for one thing - for my sweet little soul to have a beautiful place to go to. Somewhere nurturing, somewhere sweet, and never sad. Too precious. To have but not to hold.

Sweet Penelope

That is the name I have given her. Penelope - a very pretty and sweet name, something Apeman doesn't seem to agree on but is happy for me to use it as a `for now' name. And I assume it is a girl - because a gift as precious as this will be another girl for me. The sweetness of holding a baby girl again. A gift. Beyond blessed.

Bleeding started up again yesterday so after much discussion with Apeman, we have decided to head down to the emergency department for some help. Bleeding at 8.5 weeks is very unsettling especially since the bleeding seems to have stopped the past week. Pelvic scan showed a very faint picture so the doctor went vaginal ultrasound-way.

The expression on the doctor's face is not one I am familiar with.

My little peanut has a very faint, if valid, heartbeart. You can hardly see it, which is unusal for an 8.5 week old foetus. And sadly, she only measures just under the size of a 6 week old foetus. And judging by the dates, if I am correct about the dates, everything looks bad. My little peanut just couldn't grow. She couldn't keep growing. She didn't grow in the past weeks when I am busily thinking about prams and new sleeping arrangements and small, tiny little newborn nappies. And my arms around two beautiful children.

My referral letter wrote `missed abortion'.

I had to call my good doctor immediately. He heard the numbers and organised for me to immediately head down to his rooms for a second scan. A few hours later, by the time I was on his examination table, my little peanut's heartbeat is gone.

I hardly even have time to digest her first pictures and she is gone.

I am to wait for another week, to see if my body will let Peanut go naturally, if not I am to have the option of a D&C. I was given a bunch of pregnancy loss pamphlets by the hospital to read. Including various methods of `letting go conception tissue'. A terrible, terrible use of words for me at this stage. Terrible.

I don't want you to go Penelope. I have a song for you. You will always be mine.

Waiting

It is still slowly sinking in - the idea of being pregnant again.

Never in my widest dreams - never in all of the many visions I've had, never.

Soon after my last post I found a wee bit of brown spotting, which grew to a red spotting over the next week. I still have a bit here and there, but as much as I would like to check all the time - who has the time to check for bleeding when you are running after a very cheeky and active 17 month old?

Went through the `normal' channels of getting pregnancy support - a local GP whom I have never seen before (my usual GP was unavailable at the time). He wrote me up bloodwork request for a 12 week scan. I reminded him that I am spotting so he chucked that bit of paperwork out, and re-wrote me two pieces of bloodtest request over a period of three days, to check for - get this - FULL BLOOD COUNT. Not E2, not HCG, not P4, but it is very important to check for full blood count this week - twice. So obviously I was a little surprised when I rang for results they told me they have no idea how pregnant I am, or why I am spotting. But my full blood count is good. So good that I am to do it again the next day.

Well - so much for dealing with this GP. I threw the other bit of paperwork out and rang my good doctor (OBS) - he sent me straight away to his fertility clinic and had the proper blood tests done.

HCG and P4 was ALOT lower than what I had with Poopee around the same time.

~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 4600, P4 = 37 (this time)
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 12,000, P4 = 70 (Poopee)

Today (a week later) - numbers have doubled nicely and looks like we might be able to keep this little one. First scan scheduled in two weeks time. I have no idea how pregnant I am, because HCG is not indicative of the pregnancy unless you have a scan to go with it - but roughly working the numbers out - this little one is due on the same day Poopee did. (But Poopee arrived at 38 weeks). Very, very bizarre.

Apeman is stoked, I am a little scared, a bit unprepared. Even Poopee can sense the new life inside of me - she reaches into my top and pinches the left nipple alot this week - as if to make claim of that nipple before her brother/sister gets a hold of it. Strange little things.

WDF?

Realised this morning my persistent chin/jaw acne has suddenly disappeared. I looked into the mirror and saw a clear faced Drew - but also a very tired, haggard looking Drew.

I thought - oh my God. I am pregnant.

We went out to the markets to buy fresh fruits and veges, then dropped by a pharmacy to pick up a 2-test pregnancy test kit. Went home - peed on some sticks.

Two lines.

My first words - WHAT THE FUCK!?!!! (Quite unlike our tears of joy with Poopee).

Fifteen minutes later - peed on another stick.

Two lines. Again. Very quickly.

I am pregnant.

I think about five to five and a half weeks? Maybe six?

I am in shock at the moment. Me and Apeman were wondering how can this second miracle happen when we only had sex once this month. I still remember it - during Jamie Oliver's show about bad eating - the one where a few bodies were dissected in front of the audience.

No idea what to do next at the moment as I am battling a bad virus (coughing, blocked nose, headache, fatigue) and looking after a sick Poopee.

Will see what happens next. I just,

just cannot believe this.

All those years of fertility treatment. I - we - feel very, very blessed.