Saturday, November 12, 2005

Summer Holiday

Yup - still here.

The day after the last post - the holy mother of the forever maternal river of blood came rushing, I had a big period. It kind of goes hand in hand nicely with my hangover and that sorry month of misery I called (almost) frozen embryo transfer cycle. Not nice.

And then I had a week of life changing experience. I stepped back from my usual role and started a new job - doing something a little less intense, and supposingly less stressful because I am supposed to use a little less brain (not that I use that much of my brain anyway). Work people around me thought I had gone insane. I soldiered on with my thick skinned face - because the last few months I had a totally different outlook on life and I feel most importantly that I do not need to justify my actions for anybody (with reference to the nosey un-family-like members).

And I delievered what I said here. I still get the odd person asking me about `how's everything?', `are you guys still trying?'. I smile sweetly and said no, life is too beautiful and I am relatively young so I much rather enjoy life the way it is. But thanks for asking. And oh did I tell you about my hangover last week?

Not that we are not trying. We try. I am not on any sort of contraception (derr! like THAT's going to do it for us...), and we have sex whenever we can - which is not that often but hey, sex is sex and we all have to be in the mood for it. And most importantly I don't whinge about this whole infertility issue anymore. Not even to the long suffering Apeman. We talk about our future as if it will fill with happiness with, or without, children.

Life should keep getting better - and so it should be.

Last night we went out to celebrate our birthdays - there's a couple of us who is turning 31 - and for some, turning 32. It was a night of laughter, beer, shooters (oh yes), dancing, loud music and a female DJ who staggered into the ladies loo absolutely plastered - demanding for the spot at the front of the long que in exchange for a dedicated spin to that person - which was me. I said sure go right ahead and pee away. And despite being quite intoxicated, she kept her promise and spun me a cool track. It was really cute.

And then we acted our age, me and Apeman went home just after midnight because one of my ears popped due to the loud music and became partially deaf. We bought a large bag of McDonald treats scoffed it down at home - just like the way it was when we were struggling uni students after a long night studying or at the pub.

Once I was told by a gifted woman that babies only come to you when you are happy and shine positive energies.

If all these life changing experiences and appreciation of life don't attract a baby into our lives, I don't know what can.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Never Again (Red, Red Wine)...

Last night I went out and celebrated with a bunch of people - some old, some alot older, and some alot younger - the life as engineers (i.e. a fully company-funded piss-up). It was fun. I haven't had that much fun since ages.


And I am severely hungover today.

I am almost 32 and have never, ever had a hangover in my life - not even during the supposingly hard-rocking years at university. Even this god forsaken computer screen is too bright for me this morning so I have to wear my sunnies whilst typing.

I vaguely remember telling my workmate last night (who at 28 already had six major operations to fix her endometriosis, and was told by her doctors that she has zero chance in conceiving because her disease had so tragically damaged her reproductive organs) to not give up hope, and remember you are too special and you WILL have your babies, and so will I. We will both go on and have healthy babies, our time will come eventually. I said this probably somewhere between my fourth and fifth glass of red wine. She agreed and we hugged. She is getting engaged to her boyfriend of four years in Christmas, who is a wonderful, wonderful man who nursed her back to health after years of depression as a result of endometriosis. She said there is nothing more she want at this point in life but to have a baby with him.

Me too.

I guess we can all live in hope. Just have to remind myself every now and then I need to give myself a break. Just enjoy life the way it is.

I just want to thank everyone of you, even those who only stumble into this blog by accident and find out what a nut I am - for reading my blog.

Sometimes you just want people to know, you want to tell people how tired you are because not too many people (in fact none) can fully understand what goes on in my head - not even Apeman because he is male and tells me `she'll be right' but gets teary when he watches a live birth on TV. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for reading, and bless me with a comment and support. It means alot to me - especially alot of you out there are such credible people who are fighting the same battle (and some, thankfully, have won).

Next year is it. (I actually said the same thing last year and the year before that...). But yeah. Next year is it. We are going to approach things head-on.

If only I survive the rest of today nursing this virginal hangover of mine.