Tuesday, October 31, 2006

17 weeks 4 days

Two things:

1. My brother and new sister in law (who only got married four months ago at the age of 26) announced that they are pregnant - baby due only two months after ours. I was a little shocked but over the moon for them.

2. I found out by accident that my father is cheating on my mom with a tart young enough to be my daughter (and with a breathy little voice like Marilyn Monroe).... I can't verbalise this right now because it gets me angry and instill murder thoughts in my brain. I shall rationalise this in another post when I am ready. I really hate him right now. Fuck the both of them. Oh....have to stop here.

My first time parents friends rushed out to buy (and assembled on the same night) a baby bed - top of the range from Toys R Us - two days shy of her 10 week milestone. I can understand their excitement and admired their bravery.

The things I have collected so far:

1. Four infant one piece coveralls (furry type, thick for winter), in the colours of pink, lavendar, baby blue and navy blue. I was at the shops with my mother in law, and we came across these great bargains, they were heavily reduced to $2 each. My MIL insisted I buy them straight away because they were good quality rompers and at an incredibly ridiculous price. I was quite reluctant at first (I was 13 weeks then), but she was quite persistant. And so I did.

2. My goodie bag. I have this bag since I was 27. In it there is a cute baby girl dress, probably a tad too small but was meant for a newborn. There is also a yellow one piece overall, suitable for summer, it's cute with little bears on the chest. Then there is my favourite `bear ears' baby bonnet. I used to hold the bear ears against my face whenever I feel down (eg. after a bad IVF cycle). I want to feel something soft and beautiful and want to remind myself this journey is worth pursuing till the end.

3. My sister bought me a `superbaby' bib and two pairs of booties (suitably one pair of pink and one pair of blue). She bought them from Steve Irvin's Australia Zoo. I loved the gifts and the thought of having a piece of Steve's Zoo.

And that is all.

Sunday, October 15, 2006


Words cannot even describe how I feel about this. I spent yesterday in tears - crying for Manuela, Mr P and their Shoelet.

I don't even know what to say.

I coincidentally was met by a bunch of teenage girls at the emergency hospital (I don't even want to elaborate why I was there, but I am okay). These girls were no taller or bigger than my 9 year old niece, three of them lugging a crawling baby with them. The `mother' was a emaciated white faced girl, probably 14? Maybe 15? She was apparently 8 weeks pregnant, and only a few months ago had a bad miscarriage, and now she is bleeding again. Her two friends were there to lend support and to look after her wandering baby in dirty clothes.

After waiting in the rooms for half an hour, she casually walked up to the Triage nurse and asked if there is enough time to `go out for a fag'. The nurse grimly nodded, and the girl fumbled in her bag for her cigarettes. She later returned with her friends and baby with packet chips, sausage roll for herself and bottles of coke for all. The baby wanted food. So she fed the baby big sips of coke, and pieces of chips. The baby cried for more, she told him to shut up you little shit. And turned to her friend and said this is so fucking annoying.

I cringed and closed my eyes.