Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I lost my marbles and am still looking for them.

I have finally found the energy and drive to do a post.

This FET attempt is all over again. This will go down as the 8th attempt.

I hung on till 16dpo - the longest ever without breakthrough bleeding. It was a rather strange cycle - because at 9dpo I started to cramp, then I thought oh fuck its all over again. Then I cramped again on days 10, 11 and 12 dpo. But then on 13 and 14 dpo I didn't cramp and still no bleeding. Then just when I was slowly settling into the idea of MAYBE, just MAYBE it worked this time, I fucking found blood on the tissue paper I blotted myself with on 16dpo.

So today the body temperature dropped for the first time since I ovulated. It dropped from the usual 37°C to 36.7°C - for the untrained it means I am back to my `normal' basal body temperature, which means the lining was breaking down. And I was right.


Why do I know so much? Can't I just be ignorant and live like a normal person and oops I just threw up there, and ooh maybe I'm pregnant, so let's do a pee test, and oh I am right. And then congratulations Drew, you are three months pregnant you knobhead.

But I don't have that luxury. The bosses upstairs have decided I need to do things the hard way.

I totally lost my marbles the last two days, so I took a few days off work. I sat at home for hours wondering what is becoming of me. What am I doing here. What is there left in this world for me to do. Why doesn't it work? Is 8 times too much for me and should I just give up and enjoy the rest of the thirties and be content with life.

That house we are currently building, on the second floor, we have included a little room next to the master suite, and is conveniently situated next to an upstairs kitchenette (a basin + bar fridge corner thing). Apeman saids the basin is to be used for bathing the baby - and the little room can be the nursery. I said what happens if there is no baby, like EVER? He replied then we can use it to wash our wine glasses with.

We are not asking for much. We are not greedy. We just want one baby. We don't want to start a cult, we don't do drugs, we don't smoke, fuck we don't even drink, we don't have expensive habits (except for me, I have an occasional shoe habit), we haven't harmed anybody - we are good people who work hard to earn a living and are law abiding citizens. We vote for whichever political party who told the less lies, we pay hommage to charities. We are not mean to animals, we eat out alot to support our local small businesses. We are just normal people wishing for something that happens to ordinary people everyday.

I finally mustered enough energy to go to work this morning and discovered some `great news'. In my inbox - there is a message from a friend who got married two years ago. They are 3 months pregnant with baby - whoo hoo. I sank back into my shitty chair and stared into space for what seemed to be ages and cannot possibly believe the bad timing of this piece of `good news'. I managed to switch into auto-pilot, went to my boss and told him I need to go on a holiday. I don't care if he wants to sack me because I have been so inefficient lately by taking so many days off - because now I need another two weeks off or else I will go insane. I don't want to become a manic depressive person who staples my hair to my calculation folder - I just want to be normal and hopefully by going for a small break I can get some of my `jive' back. He agreed and said go for your life and do some good shopping and relax. I thanked him in tears.

So here I am.


What to do.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The Stork Flew By and Forgot To Drop Me Off a Baby

Just want to say I started to cramp today. At 9 days past ovulation. Yup. About right.

I consulted the PDA and checked my EXCEL files on my previous cycles - cramps usually start on Day 9 for me and get progressively worse in the next few days.

What are the higher powers above trying to tell me? What message do they have for me this time?

Am just really, really shitted off of course.

How DO you make a baby? How on earth can I get pregnant?

I am going to stay put - but I figured I am better off climbing trees because of the uncertainties ahead.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


The shuttle has returned to the mothership - and is now waiting to land.

The whole thing went really well actually - the actual transfer was fast, efficient, and painless. It seems in my previous tranfers not once did I not feel gorged/probed for a good half hour before I was told it's `all in and all done'. This time I can actually see our little muffin injected into my uterus - actually it is quite cute when thinking about it.

And of course, as usual - I bleed a little bit towards the end of the transfer day - not sure why. I was told maybe it was because my cervix is `really' sensitive. So even a little bit of minor disturbance can rupture the blood vessels there. Whatever. I don't like any sort of bleeding if it is not for my period. Period.

I may sound optimistic here, but I am so shit scared. I already have discussed with Ape-man about our next game plan - I want to do a fresh cycle so we can have our embryos testing for any genetic problems. Because as far as I am concerned - I seem to be doing okay hormonally - had my post-embryo transfer blood test yesterday. Estrogen and progesterone seems to be flying high at 722 and 48 respectively. So the lining is sufficiently supported. I just need to know why my embryos aren't connecting with me.

And then, I did almost everything I can possibly manage to fuck up this cycle.

I cheated with a really non-healthy breakfast two days in a roll - (fried bacon + double eggs + mushrooms + spinach + sausages + toasts + fried tomatoes + hot chocoloate). I had acrylic nails done (was hoping by having pretty nails it will at least make me think about IVF less), and then today I walked for 45 minutes to find a friggin place who can take my acrylic nails off because I looked like a porn star with these extra long plastic talons. I soaked my hands in acetone/methanol/tri-gliceratic polyamide acid for half an hour until the nail technician can fully file the plastic off my fingernails. I mopped, and I vacuumed (but only very lightly). I prepared a three course meal for Apeman yesterday, AND did all the dishes, wiped down the bench, and then wiped down the friggin stove.

This is in comparison to my other cycles - I treat myself and I ask other people to treat me like a disabled person. I didn't lift a single finger. I did fuck-all for two weeks.

Basically this time I try to live as normal as I can - because I refuse, I REFUSE to let IVF beat me once again. I want whoever is in charge to know that it takes more than another failed cycle to bring me down.

I guess emotionally I wasn't looking after myself either - I went to an adoption breakfast on Sunday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it will be - it was just a nice chit-chat with other parents who are going through the adoption process. All I can say is - I was really touched. It was just so beautiful watching the bond between the adoptive mother and child.

I am going to wait patiently this time. Testing 1st Sept.

Friday, August 19, 2005

The clock just keep ticking slowly......

Seems to be forever waiting for my FET.

The uncomfortable feeling started on on wednesday night - I got out of the car after battling the traffic on my way home - and felt my heart sank. I thought about the FET on saturday - I felt sick.

Once upon a time I used to be all giddy and excited about this whole IVF thing. I used to think about what to say or do when it works out - who to tell first, how to structure my acceptance speech for the clinic.... and once I get the results of my doomed cycles, I was left alone to pick up the pieces. I stock up on the pads, I buy tampons, I sulked, I cried, I whinged, I waited for the larger pieces of my period to come through and think about my lost embryos, I got angry, I say to myself never again. And for at least a few weeks after that I refuse to go near pregnancy central (ie. daytime shopping, the maternity ward route of my old clinic, certain pregnant friends, and a certain northen suburb shopping centre so I don't have to bump into that annoying `ooh I love babies' bitch).

Just rang the clinic - I expect them to hype me up about the big FET event tomorrow. Except I was just told, call again tomorrow morning to double confirm the FET time (and to check if there is going to be a FET at all), bye for now.

So I am going to do what was told and just wait. Nothing else I can do really.

I am shitty today because I am scared.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Young Ones

Today I wanted to have a `normal' work lunch - so I went for a walk for a change.

Power walked past the newsagency, the bank, and just when I was about to enter the `good' shops and submerge myself into some lunch time retail therapy - two very pretty and very YOUNG fertility goddesses waddled past. No, actually they didn't waddle, they walked like your ordinary teenager actually.

They had the long straight hair (the sleek look), the tight fitted tops and cropped jacket, the trendy `must-have' wide leather belts around the hips (can you have hips during pregnancy???), the trendy beaded necklaces around the neck, the slim-fitting Sass and Bide jeans, and the ballet slipper styled shoes Marie-Claire saids we HAD to have this season. If the baby bumps aren't that visible I would've thought they were about to go night-clubbing.

Yes - the two girls (who looked like they were in their early twenties) were both pregnant and dressed in similar chic fashion.

I felt myself aged about 20 years in front of them. It's as bad as watching Becky Cartwright giving birth to twins with blond little ringlets in the middle of the Australian Open tennis court.

Whilst they glided past me and walked into a `must-go-to' juice bar - I sulked in silence. How lucky are they? Two best friends, both young, and trendy, and probably with loving/adoring husbands/partners, and obviously no jobs ..... and I struggle with silly little things like ovulation every month.

I am going to keep this story to myself and not tell Ape-man about it. He is going to tell me off and say shit like,

`Aww it's like that, when you are young and pregnant, you probably wish you are single, childless and have a brilliant career/live'.

Well, I want a baby now. Been saying that for five years. I've done the young and single bit, I guess I am doing it now in a way except I have husband, but I also want a baby. I want the fruits of our love, I want it all.

I just want to be normal.

I remembered once I was at the casino after a rather messy family gathering one night. Mom insisted I put some money on the fruit wheel - I was reluctant because I was too tight-arsed to even part $2 at a place like the casino. In the end I gave in and put $2 down on the water-melon. The wheel turned and landed on the water-melon. I won $2. Me and mom were jumping up and down and laughed hysterically- people thought we won big. But we only won $2.

That's how I feel sometimes when I tell loved ones that I fucking OVULATED on my own this month with no drugs. But whatever rocks my boat I guess, it makes me happy.

Am feeling much better today after the ovulation. I am going to start connecting emotionally with my wee frozen ones (they arrived at the new clinic on Monday). Please.....I hope at least one of you make it through the thaw. I need just a little more divine help here.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Does anyone still wear culottes?

Made a full-on fashion statement today by wearing a pair of culottes I bought from Witchery on the weekend. Prior to this purchase I didn't even know what culottes are or how to pronounce it.
I wasn't keen on them initially - but because it fitted quite well around the hips area, plus I am currently doing an IVF cycle - so this is the perfect time to buy fitted pants because I need something to remind myself that it is still okay to buy pants because I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE IF THIS CYCLE WORKS OUT OR NOT. So under the careful guidance of the Witchery sales assistant, who gleefully assured me that I looked hot in the culottes - I bought them AND another two skirts. No tops. Just skirts. Tight ones.

Then this morning at work somebody who was born in the 40's pointed out to me that this is what they used to wear when they were heaps younger. So the curious me researched it on the internet and found this amusing link:

Hot hot hot!!

The moment I saw it I laughed my ass off. Fuck! Do I really look like that?

Oh well, I like the pants - it kind of made my waist looked a little smaller even though I am supposed to be bloated with IVF drugs.

My friend (a real trooper), who is currently embarking on her 16th cycle with her new clinic - has officially kick-started her fresh cycle after three months of fucking around with clean-up surgeries and pre-IVF medicated cycles. She is doing a fresh cycle with her new clinic. She almost had to push a trolley to the pharmacy and back with the drugs she is supposed to be taking. Human growth hormones, suppositories, estrogen supplements, gonatrophins, steriods, aspirins...etc. I think she is so incredibly brave and I hope she gets a good outcome this time.

Babies for all.

Had my trigger injection last night. We spent 15 minutes analysing the drugs we were given, another 5 minutes arguing about what goes where and how. A further 5 minutes for me to whinge about how painful it is going to be and to give a mini lecture on the price to pay to create a new life, and another few moments to numb the injection site with ice to minimise the pain.

Yup. Still hurts. Hate trigger injections. Can't they make smaller needles?

The good news is Ape-man handled it very well, and was as gentle as he could be - once it was over he gave me a hug and told me he will buy me a new car end of the year if we have the money.

The bad news is I have more of those injections to come because I am using HCG injections instead of progesterones pessaries this cycle.

We injected into the fat of my stomach. As a novelty I might do it on the buttocks next time - never tried that one before. Bet you it probably hurts even more.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Here We Go Rock And Roll

Started off having a really shitty weekend - was feeling lerthagic and sad - because I cannot feel my ovary hurting at all. Which means no eggs in the making. Which means no embryo transfer pending. Which means another dud month.

Then continued to have a shitty weekend - made the mistake of picking up a semi-documentary movie about Manson the 70's killer who's tripped out of acid and thinks he is Jesus Christ in the making. It's bad because somebody actually made money by making a movie about him - even worse is there are curious people like myself who borrowed the DVD and watched it. After watching the movie it left a bad taste in my mouth and I just want to throw it all up to make myself feel better. No luck there. I think the puregon was making me sick too.

I defied my clinic's instructions to double the dosage of Puregon to wake my ovary up. I don't want anymore drugs because I want to use as little as possible so I don't fuck my body up too much - so I continued to use 25mg every second day instead of daily as requested.

Sunday was terrible - it feels like somebody blew hot air up my ass and everything is all bloated inside. The ovary felt lumpy and hurt only when I squat - I suspect:

1) I am making lots of little little eggs - so small they are polycystic like and is not big enough for me to kick up my estrogen levels and complete the cycle. So that's no good.


2) I am not making egg at all. Once again I am trapped in a never-ending cycle with no estrogen rise and base-line blood results for weeks. So that's no good either.

So there I was - feeling depressed, but at the same time feeling eccentric enough to simulate all these bizzare yoga poses in the comforts of my living room floor to see if I can feel any pain in the ovary. The ovary just feels lumpy and I feel like I need to pee/crap all the time to relief myself because I was feeling so bloated. Ape-man thinks I have gone mad and is making things up as an excuse for not having sex.

So this morning I turned up a day early to have my blood test and ultrasound. I know something is wrong. Could not sleep at all last night because my innards were so bloated.

I was chastised by the nurse for turning up one day early because it fucks up their records - but I know my body - I know something is up. I want to know.

I brought out the violin and whined to the blood nurse about how the drugs are not working again because I don't think I am ovulating. She assured me sometimes it takes a while for the drugs to kick in. The next step is to further increase the dosage and do 25mg/50mg Puregon on alternate days. Oh fuck.

So off I went to the ultrasound room. Once the knickers are off and legs are on stirrups - miracle #1 happened. I have a 12mm endometrial lining.

I know from experience this must mean SOMETHING is working - you don't just get this lining thickness for no reason.

`Oh here it is - 12mm - that looks good! You see right here in the centre there - this is where we are going to put your embryo. Looking good!'


And then I saw it - my 25mm miracle egg. I cannot believe I can't feel it - this cycle I cannot feel my egg making process at all.

Am happy. I told the ultrasound tech I love this clinic already. The drugs are working.

`Don't get too excited yet! It's still early days.' Said the tech.

Well, if you have as many set backs as me in the past - a small step like this is a treasured miracle for me. So I am going to celebrate regardless. You see - when it comes to my body - I am always right - if I turn up tomorrow instead of today it would've been too late to use the trigger injection - because I would've ovulated on my own already. And then they will not be able to time my transfer.

Baby steps. One small step for mankind.

Friday, August 12, 2005

....And Waiting

Took me three fucking days to get over that flash back.

I wish people can be a bit `smarter' and pick things up quicker and stop their probing. And I am an idiot to allow this to happen over and over again.

Baby questions for the first time is conversation, the second time is novelty, the third time is for information and pushing the limit - the fourth time is rude, and anymore questions beyond that is plain ignorant and should be shot in public. The previously mentioned fertility goddess has already crossed that final boundary years ago. I now stop making professional contacts with her husband in fear of a lead up to any cosy dinners or unannounced visits.

And I am still waiting for an ovulation. Interestingly - I was doing okay the past months - six ovulations in a row post surgery - all cycles within a 31 day period - with no drugs assistance. Since I started to pump myself with this shitty puregon stuff last week - and all of a sudden - no ovulation pending. I expect my ovary to hurt - but it doesn't - which means it is not making egg(s).

The ovary has gone on holiday - really bad timing.

I can't wait until I had to do a fresh cycle - the clinic is going to have some fun working out what dosage do I require to WAKE my ovary up. I can hear them chanting 400mg Puregon already.

I don't know how many set backs can I take. I am so fucking angry at myself - in particular I hate this body of mine - it doesn't want to cooperate when I most needed it to.

Last night Apeman was on the phone to his brother - he called him using the speaker phone. I was nearby and overhead his little niece making baby noises (his brother probably sat his daughter on his lap). I stood close just so I can listen to the cute noises. Then I imagined how nice it will be to have a daughter so Apeman can do the same. It's such a nice feeling.

Am a little depressed. But will hang in here because having a baby is worth fighting for.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Still Waiting

Was doing okay on this high horse of mine - lah-dee-da - I am happy with or without baby. Then had a really fucking bad flashback this afternoon and it kind of ruined my IVF journey with new clinic.

Bad memory of this other fertility goddess - beautiful girl - good heart I suppose, but extremely nosey about my reproductive business.

I went to uni with her husband. Unfortunately she was (and still is) the really clingy type - so her now-husband actually dumped her during the first year of uni (after a long romance since they were teenagers) and dated another girl for several years. A group of uni friends decided that his latest girlfriend was a bitch - so we all encouraged him to re-date this clingy girl - I was one of his `caring friends' who pushed him into it. So yeah, thanks to me and a few others - he finally came to his senses and married this girl.

Their wedding was a year after ours - so they came to our wedding and then a year later, we went to theirs. Perfect stuff.

Then she started going off about babies. When are you having babies? Anytime soon? Will it be this year? Oh I love babies. So when are you having babies again? Didn't you say it will be this year last time I saw you? Oh I love babies.

So this vicious cycle of baby talk continues for two years after they married. Whenever I see her she is like my ball and chain, my deadweight - she just wants to know when are we going to start a family - she wants to know the full details. I avoid almost all outings in certain northern suburbs just so I can avoid bumping into her.

Then one day - I bumped into her whilst I was shopping for more bullshit for the house in Myers - she was heavily pregnant. She also looked really sickly - thus without with glowing pregnancy look - she is not loving it but she LUUUURVES babies - so it's all good.

So the questions started up again - oh when are you guys going to start a family? My god you guys been married for years!!

Nah I am a little immature for motherhood (IVF excuse# 287).

Oh really? No way - that is just not possible. You guys betttttttter catch up!!!

So off she went to give birth to a 10 pound bouncing baby boy - and the last time I saw her was six months ago - she dropped by our home with her husband and baby Evan. I used the `too immature to be a mom' line on her again after an excruciating 2 hour interrogation (and fuck I didn't even invite her over in the first place) - this time she wasn't too convinced and probably in her numb mind she is starting to get the drift that we are having problems getting pregnant.

So today I was sitting in front of my computer eating a shitty lunch, and suffered a flashback of her and her doodling about babies, it made me want to vomit my bean salad out. It felt like I was gagged and slapped on the face and gagged again. I hope I don't see her again - maybe I will run it past Ape-man this evening about moving into another place and get new identities for ourselves just to avoid this bitch.

She really is the most fucking annoying person in the world who drove me mad during my wannabe reproductive years. As if life is not bad enough - she certainly put the cherry on top of that pool of shit I have to wade through every month.

Anyway after that outburst - must say life is not getting any better - even with the Puregon jabs I am not getting any estrogen rises - still flat line today. So have to double the dosage and wait till next tuesday for a third blood test and vaginal probe.

Oh fucking well.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Caffiene Break

Just a short post to remind myself in the future that I am so happy right now because I just had a delicious moccha with extra chocolate with weak coffee just the way I like it and I feel so good right now nothing else matters. I just want you to know I am content to be on my own and nothing at all in this world is going to ruin that - not even another failed IVF cycle. And even if it fails again I am will go back for more cycles because all I need is a little incentive in life to keep me going - like this moccha I just had.

So eat that.

Here Goes #8

The weekend has kicked off my 8th cycle. Period arrived with a vegenance - but still less painful than the teeth gritting experience I used to have before my ovary was removed.

Today is Day 4 into the cycle.

Had my first blood test on Day 3 - it just felt so luxurious to have my blood taken in a new clinic - I love walking into the clinic almost anonymously - nobody knows my history. To them - I am another new face with a fresh start. It felt good already.

Of course, with the new clinic it also means new nurses to take my blood - it took the nurse three attempts to poke my vein - it really fucking hurt but I assured her you have to try and use the same spot again and again because that is the only way you can get blood from me. And I was right.

So this morning my lovely Ape-man injected me with the fun juice - 25mg Puregon. Injection every second day until they tell me to stop or until I wake up one day and say to myself this is all fucked lets just move on - no more injections. But of course I won't. I am still mentally strong for this.

I do wonder why I am still here - after 5 years - almost 4 years out of the 5 I was spent training and re-training Ape-man on the injections. Going back and forth to the clinic for more drugs, more needle dispensers, more fucking puregon pens, more puregon, more fucking trigger injections, more fucking blood tests and more fucking post IVF periods.

One morningI had to drop by the clinic to pick up my trigger injection, I walked past a new mother with her husband and newborn baby girl waiting to show the already busy clinic staff their bundle of joy. I have seen her before. Approximately a year ago I sat across from her in the waiting room for blood test. Obviously it worked out for her. And obviously not for me. She looked at me with a curious look at first, then she recognised me (I actually used to work with her a few years ago so we kind of recognise each other's faces), then she gave me this really pathetic look - I don't even know how to describe it - it was part smug, part comforting (for her) look. I felt so angry. I didn't feel empathy from her at all - I felt fucking angry and retarded. It's like she is making me feel like how can I keep going when I am obviously so pathetic at it. I started with the clinic way before she did - and now she is giving this `look' with a baby in her arms. I was so angry and cried all the way home and all throughout the rest of the week. What a spolier. And yes that cycle didn't work out. Again.

I am down to my final four embryos (all to be thawed on the day and monitored for progress - the best one goes back - if the remaining survives they will be re-freezed). Since the last two embryos were of questionable qaulity - I am not going to put too much hope on the remaining ones - so I am going for my back-up plan and have sex after they give me the trigger injection.

Bring it on.