Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Judge This

This happened yesterday. I am still terribly upset over this so I need to document this.

I wasn't there, but Apeman took our 6 year old German Shepherd (Max) to the park for his routine walk. We never let Max off the leash unless we know for sure there is nobody else in the park - or only if he is amongst his group of friends (a few big dogs coupled with a few smaller ones). He is a friendly dog and is only interested in a sniff at any new dogs he meet. I know Max. I carried him home as a three month old puppy, he is a beautiful dog and he sits with me quietly after EVERY single one of my failed IVF cycles. This dog has soul.

According to Apeman - he was watching Max until suddenly from a far distance he can hear a dog's bark. It was too late for him to chase after Max because he already heard the barking. We are talking about an entire football field distance here. Max ran up to the female dog owner, who was carrying a toy dog in her arms, there was also another medium sized dog on the leash. Max did his usual dance - he sniffed at the medium sized dog, hoping to get a few plays out of the dog.

Without warning, the dog took a big bite out of Max, bad enough to draw blood. As a retaliation, Max bit back, he held the other dog down by biting into the back. Apeman pulled Max easily away from the other dog. The female dog owner was frantic and screamed `Get your fucking dog away from my dog!'. She was hysterical.

A do-gooder dropped by, and asked if he was needed as a witness. The female dog owner declined the offer. He then turned to Apeman and spat, `If I see your dog on the road next time I will run him the fuck over.'

This is what hurt the most. He will run my Max over. My Max. He didn't even see the blood on my Max's neck. He will drive past us next time and run us the fuck over regardless because he is a big dog holding a smaller dog down.

What followed was the female dog owner took her dog to the vet - she was still hysterical - and asked Apeman to pay for the $400 vet bill. It covers consultation, a surcharge (since it was boxing day), and the dog had needed a few stitches. We rang up and asked about the condition of dog - the vet told us the dog was fine and it a few skin punctures that required the stitches just to be on the safe side. We paid the bill promptly and made sure the dog got everything it needed for recovery.

Then around midnight Apeman got an SMS from this female dog owner. She wanted him to know she hated him, and hated his monster dog for hurting her dog. I am not sure if Apeman received anymore hate messages from this woman, but Apeman knew I am getting really upset over it so he is holding back the news from me.

I cried all night. I cried because I love my dog too. I cried because this has never happened before. I cried because my Max bled too. I cried because people take one look at my Max (who in comparison to the usual breed, is a small German Shepherd), they think he is capable of killing and want to run the fuck over him. I cried because the owner called my Max a monster - Max has never taken a bite out of anything, not even when a wandering cat was sitting right in the middle of our backyard, he only barked to let us know we have an intruder and stayed away from the cat. My Max who nursed me and is my son after all my failed IVF cycles.

I don't doubt that we are in the wrong. It just hurts so terribly that Max, which is very much a part of me and Apeman, was labeled as a monster. A monster doesn't sit with you and lick your tears away when you are in pain. He was, and never will be, that.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Itchy Christmas

It's been a week. I have this full-on itchy stomach that ITCHES like hell. My poor bump is red all over due to my continued scratching. And when I don't scratch it, the skin gets even redder because it was dying for me to scratch it.

I had a cold shower at 3am last night just to get a bit of relief. Only to be woken up by Apeman at 7am this morning for him to complain to me about ME `torturing' my baby bump. I told him I don't even remember scratching my stomach - I had to sleep on my hands just to make sure I don't do it in my sleep. (A friend suggested wearing adult sized mittens).

What ever happened to the promise of shiny happy bumps from the numerous magazine shoots (think Britney Spears, Demi Moore, maternity mags cover girls...). Mine ain't shiny. It's just red.

And SUPER itchy.

Merry Christmas!!!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I ain't no Heidi Klum

It happened in Pumpkin Patch.

It is never a forgiving place to start with, espeically for the infertile - I used to dodge that place like it was contaminated. These days I go in there for the recreational `ooh's' and `ahh's' over teddy bear sized swimwear for infants.

It involved a pair of navy blue maternity cargo pants, a kid's size change room and a really unforgiving mirror which happens to give you a totally unobstructed rear view of yourself.

I tried to pull the pants up, it worked all the way up to my hips but that's about it. The span between the `closing the deal' buttons were at least 3cm apart. It was ludricrious.

I took the offending cargos to the counter, wearing the year's best `You've-got-to-be-shitting-me' look on my face. The salesgirl said: `How was it? A bargain isn't it?'

`Yeah but it doesn't fit me - I always thought maternity gear are designed for comfort and for a good maternity fit - this one isn't doing its job I'm afraid.' The salesgirl then explained to me that oh don't worry, you can make it fit you by releasing the button on the elastic band to make it a bit looser. But then she realised I HAD already released the button on the elastic band.

With the help of the change room mirror - I saw my ass clearly for the first time since my bump started to grow. It became really saggy, I have a decent sized spare tyre around my hips - I have also gained alot of weight on the thighs and it seems there is unlimited cellulite on both buttocks and thighs. For fun, I also tried on a tight black top with a pair of black maternity tights. I looked like an adult size Ommpa Loompa.

But you know what, I'm actually okay with it. I came all this way to ride the full pregnancy experience, I am never going to be that skinny girl in my twenties when just about everything looks good and fits. I am gratefully not. I feel really good for the first time in years.

However I did make Apeman promise me that no matter how I look like after the birth, he is totally and completely obligated to continue to have sex with me.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Ambigious Times

Just finished checking up on my fertility sisters, and I am unable to pick up any good news. In fact it was just bad news all round. Especially for a few who really deserves a good break. I wish I can do much more for them because I know how bad it feels - when it seems nothing is working out and you repeatedly gets slapped over and over again.

I am grateful to be able to sit here and write this as a pregnant woman. So grateful that on Saturday night, I was watching Carols by Candlelight with Apeman - Rachel Beck made an appearance to sing Away in a Manger. She was only days away from giving birth and therefore dedicated the song to all mothers and expectant mothers. Big tears started to roll off my eyes (I was mid knitting my baby cardigan) and tearfully said to Apeman - I'm a mom this year, I'm a mom this year.

I wish for much happiness, and good news for the new year - for all my fertility sisters. Nobody should be left out.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Quotes of the day

This is from Apeman's gorgeous niece and nephew (aged 5 & 7):

N1: `Aunty Drew - are you sure you are pregnant?'
Drew: `Yes honey, I am, what makes you say that?'
N1: `Well, did your doctor say you are pregnant? I mean, like, did he check you to see if there really is a baby inside?'
Drew: `Yes.'
N1: `You look a little fat to me that's all. Plus not all pregnancies work out you know.'
Drew: `........'

A few moments later...

N2: `Aunty Drew, when are you going to lay your baby?'
Drew: `Honey, chicken lay eggs, people give birth to babies.'
N2: `So when are you going to lay your baby then?'

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Birthday Bits

It's my birthday and I shall go crazy if I want to. (Ha ha I turn magical 33).

In all stupidness and slackness, I discovered the joys of cyber shoppping. BAD idea. Bad.
Peter Alexander is my best friend. Check this out - this is the cutest thing I have seen in ages. Pregnant-friendly too.

Witchery is just totally hot. Check this out. I got it in Grey. I struggle to wear it so it barely fits, but who the frig cares?

And how about this as a yummy treat. Apeman bought it for me today, but of course in the large, LARGE, LARGE version. Right now this monster is chilling out in my fridge, waiting to be devoured by moi.

Thank God for small favours (and internet shopping).

Monday, December 11, 2006

Before and After Shot

3 weeks prior to conceiving Poopee...

At 24 weeks pregnant - Active Poopee in-utero thrashing & tumbling about, +8kg and a really bad hair cut later....

Thursday, December 07, 2006

23.5 weeks

How do you feel at 23.5 weeks pregnant?
I feel fine. Less petrified, warming to the idea a little bit. I think I can finally relax (just a little) about it since our 20 week scan. I was lying in bed last night, thinking about the past four months, how I managed to survive it (with special thanks to the emergency ward at King Edward Memorial Hospital for providing me with much needed reassurance during desperate times). I also kept thinking about that magical afternoon waiting for a blood test result, hoping for JUST a positive in ovulation that month but ended up scoring a full blown pregnancy. I feel beyond blessed.

How pregnant do you feel?
A bit more than last week.

Are you still nervous?
Shit yeah. I think about Poopee all the time. I can spend hours watching my stomach for any movements. Or if I feel like my bowels are moving just a little, I will try my best to empty it, so the `real baby movements' can be felt as accurately as possible. It's insane. I can't wait for the labour pains to kick in at 40 weeks. Hopefully.

Do you feel guilty about becoming pregnant when there are so many women out there still struggling, some struggled far longer than you?
Yes. Just to give you an example. I have been dreaming about this pregnant moment for so long, that when it finally happened, I found out my mentor at work lost her baby at 20 weeks to a devastating genetic disease. I was therefore too scared to `announce' my pregnancy to workmates even when I was well past the 12 week mark. Then at 21 weeks I told a few friends, and the news spread like bushfire. I then received an email from a male workmate, who congratulated me at first, but told me to be discreet about my pregnancy news (??) because he was afraid my mentor is not coping well with her loss. I told him I have rang my mentor and talked to her about it way before I told everyone else - she was still devastated but was happy for me because she knew how long we had been trying for a baby (she was there to console me two days before I was admitted into surgery to have my ovary removed a year ago after a particularly nasty round of IVF). So now I turn down invitations to work lunches altogether.

Are you looking forward to the birthing process?
I booked myself in for birthing classes in January. I am calm right now. I don't know if I am scared about it yet. The placenta is located right on the wall of my stomach so it is fairly normal, and also means I am likely to give birth the vaginal way. I haven't given much thought about drugs, meditation or other birthing aids, because I haven't read past the 2nd Trimester chapters of my Pregnancy books yet. I am taking this one day at a time.

Name for baby?
Yes, it is my dream name for my dream baby, the baby I have been dreaming about for years. I kept dreaming about a little girl, and now I am having a little girl, so the name is hers. I call her by name all the time and sometimes she responds by giving me little kicks. Or maybe she's just annoyed with my posture making her uncomfortable.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Knitting Times

I almost finished with a small cardigan (Size 000), knitted in white 8-ply acrylic baby soft yarn, for my little Poopee. But after much fiddling (on my part, and also Apeman's part) it no longer looks virginal white. Under a certain light it looks a little dull and muggy.

I am having serious troubles knitting the edges and buttonholes, and also with piecing it together, so I took it to my local Spotlight and asked for some help. I know this lady there, who is kind enough to offer me some help during her precious lunch hour. Bless her.

While she was teaching me - a lady popped her head in and oohed and ahhed over my cardigan, which was nice. But then she started to ask me if I am having a boy or girl. I said oh we are saving that as a surprise (white lie).

Well that is why I bought white yarn. It doesn't lead to any conclusion because we want to keep family and friends in suspense.

I just hope nobody drops by and see my growing stash of pink coverlets, wraps, little baby pullovers, and stuffed toys (dressed in pink and yellow outfits). Cute Poopee.