How do you feel at 23.5 weeks pregnant?
I feel fine. Less petrified, warming to the idea a little bit. I think I can finally relax (just a little) about it since our 20 week scan. I was lying in bed last night, thinking about the past four months, how I managed to survive it (with special thanks to the emergency ward at King Edward Memorial Hospital for providing me with much needed reassurance during desperate times). I also kept thinking about that magical afternoon waiting for a blood test result, hoping for JUST a positive in ovulation that month but ended up scoring a full blown pregnancy. I feel beyond blessed.
How pregnant do you feel?
A bit more than last week.
Are you still nervous?
Shit yeah. I think about Poopee all the time. I can spend hours watching my stomach for any movements. Or if I feel like my bowels are moving just a little, I will try my best to empty it, so the `real baby movements' can be felt as accurately as possible. It's insane. I can't wait for the labour pains to kick in at 40 weeks. Hopefully.
Do you feel guilty about becoming pregnant when there are so many women out there still struggling, some struggled far longer than you?
Yes. Just to give you an example. I have been dreaming about this pregnant moment for so long, that when it finally happened, I found out my mentor at work lost her baby at 20 weeks to a devastating genetic disease. I was therefore too scared to `announce' my pregnancy to workmates even when I was well past the 12 week mark. Then at 21 weeks I told a few friends, and the news spread like bushfire. I then received an email from a male workmate, who congratulated me at first, but told me to be discreet about my pregnancy news (??) because he was afraid my mentor is not coping well with her loss. I told him I have rang my mentor and talked to her about it way before I told everyone else - she was still devastated but was happy for me because she knew how long we had been trying for a baby (she was there to console me two days before I was admitted into surgery to have my ovary removed a year ago after a particularly nasty round of IVF). So now I turn down invitations to work lunches altogether.
Are you looking forward to the birthing process?
I booked myself in for birthing classes in January. I am calm right now. I don't know if I am scared about it yet. The placenta is located right on the wall of my stomach so it is fairly normal, and also means I am likely to give birth the vaginal way. I haven't given much thought about drugs, meditation or other birthing aids, because I haven't read past the 2nd Trimester chapters of my Pregnancy books yet. I am taking this one day at a time.
Name for baby?
Yes, it is my dream name for my dream baby, the baby I have been dreaming about for years. I kept dreaming about a little girl, and now I am having a little girl, so the name is hers. I call her by name all the time and sometimes she responds by giving me little kicks. Or maybe she's just annoyed with my posture making her uncomfortable.