Tuesday, November 28, 2006

We Have Contact

Two days ago I got woken up at 5:36am with serious bubbling of gas in stomach. I promptly went to the toilet to ease myself into a reasonable dump (bowel movement to the more refined) for a bit of a relief.

Once done, I returned to bed, patted Apeman on the head and tried to go back to sleep. The `gas bubbling' had gotten worse. So no more sleep for me and I sat in bed wide awake.

That afternoon, whilst watching TV with Apeman, I complained about the lack of sleep, and suddenly the stomach started to REALLY bubble. I pulled my top to review my dancing stomach, little prods and kicks can been seen clearly - unlike the gentle `nudges' I was feeling before in the lower pelvic region. This time it was right on the stomach.


And we have made contact.

Friday, November 24, 2006

A Friend From Far, Far Away

I `met' my friend Vix whilst browsing through and commenting on an US-based infertility chat forum several years ago. Back then I already had 4 IVF cycles under my belt, and she is a thirty-something married woman who had been trying to get pregnant for a few years, but was too scared to venture into the world of IVF.

We became fast friends, and despite our time and location difference (she lives in US, I live in Australia), we managed to email each other daily, telling each other about our lives, ttc stories, medical talks, and general chit chats. We swapped photos and talked about our husbands at lengths. This went on for more than a year.

Then one day she told me about this sum of money she and her husband had inherited. She had two choices - either to go on a big holiday or to finally give IVF a shot. Vix was worried about dabbling in IVF because she saw it as a `final frontier', and if that didn't work out she will have nothing to turn to. Finally after weeks of discussions back and forth, I talked her into it and she brought home her first injections.

4 eggs collected turned into 3 embryos, and on Day 3, she only had 2 to transfer. Two weeks later she sent out an email to friends and family announcing her pregnancy. I was over the moon for her - especially because we had been friends for so long, and I know how much she had wanted to be a mom. She made the best halloween customes for herself and I have great hopes for her unborn as the best dressed kid(s).

Twins were born eight months later, a boy and a girl. The prettiest pair of twins ever. She emailed me to let me know how much she valued our friendship, and how much she wished for something good to happen to me eventually. I told her it is already great that at least IVF worked for one of us - I told her I refuse to lose faith in IVF.

A few months later, during a particularly dark day, I wrote to her to tell her about my latest cycle failure, I mentioned in the email about `finding it difficult to cope with life because I kept getting knock-backs'. I may sound suicidal, but I really wasn't that bad. I just want somebody to listen to me whinge because I was in so much pain, and couldn't talk to any of my real friends because none of them are reproductively challenged. Plus I thought she would understand my pain too. I felt really vulnerable, and really, really sad.

And then nothing.

I haven't heard from her ever since. Occasionally (like once every half year), I was included in her group emails of a funny joke, or a christmas greeting, but she never wrote to me personally again. I felt so horrible, especially when I had opened myself up entirely to her.

Two weeks ago I wrote to her to tell her about my pregnancy. And you guessed it - again no reply.

It's a very sad, but raw truth in the world of cyber-friendship.

Monday, November 20, 2006

What's Normal Got to do with it?

At 21 weeks pregnant today, I did some recollecting:

1. I still check for bleeding everytime I wee, poo, or anytime in between when I have a `wet' feeling in my nether regions. Other `normal' pregnant women in my situation are probably assembling baby cots by now.

2. I wake up, every morning without fail, and view my stomach against the mirror in the bedroom. I want to make sure the baby bump is still there, and all that had happened wasn't just a nice dream afterall.

3. At 5 months pregnant, and despite quite obviously showing, I still ask Apeman on a daily basis - do I look pregnant or do I look like I had a big meal instead?

4. I still stare at other pregnant women with admiration, but with small part of jealousy. I wish I can wear my pregnancy as proudly as they do. My sister was dying to take a picture of me with my baby bump, but I refused. I honestly don't know what I am scared of.

5. I bought a new bra today, a bigger one to fit my pregnant boobs, but kept the receipt, `just in case'.

Despite my various hang-ups, I am too happy to be here, right now, with my poopee. I love you so much it hurts me to think how little positiveness I have in me. I hope poopee you grow up to have the optimism of your father, even though he is a bit of an Apeman.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Date Night

Finally I was able to convince Apeman, to spare himself from various brick-lifting activities, and take me to the movies on Saturday night. We haven't been on a date night for ages. Because we are both relatively quiet people (post marriage) we tend to be good homebodies and stay in most weekends.

We had a choice of either the intensely plotted `The Departed', or Jackass 2, and since I am a huge fan of the Knoxville team - of course it had to be the Jackass movie.

I wasn't disappointed. The over the top toilet humour was just what I needed - I haven't laughed like for a long time. As I was chuckling away I can feel my little poopee wriggling gently.

And I am sure nobody was seriously hurt in the movie...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Detour

Really hot day today. I took my twins (new boobs) out to lunch with my friend who is leaving Perth for sunny Queensland next week.

On my way back from lunch, I was going to drop by Supre to look for a nice loose playsuit to wear because the days are definitely getting hotter. But I decided to finally break the ice with my infertility hang-ups and took a different turn into a baby shop with a warehouse type set-up.

I declined help from the shop assistant, and amused myself for about twenty minutes checking out the various type of beds, bassinets and cot sheets. I have no idea there are so many types of bed sheets/cloak things/wraps for babies. Who would know what a `bumper' is for without an illustrated pictorial?

There was a sale on, so I picked up a soft blanket, and two gorgeous little wraps for less than $30. All tastefully done and in my favourite colour. They are now safely tucked away in my drawer - and probably will be frequently played with (by me) over the next few months.

Monday, November 13, 2006

I Can Breathe....

I just had my 19/20 week scan this morning. It has been so difficult to breathe for the past few months because of all the internet research I did, the stories I read regarding the tragedies of my fellow IF sisters, and personal stories from my friends.

I am so incredibly happy, and grateful, to say that everything is okay. The baby is a little bigger than expected which means it takes my EDD back three days to 3rd April. The moment the scan was completed I burst into tears for the second time this morning due to all the pant-up pressure (the first time was when we were told the sex of the baby).

And, I am not supposed to disclose the sex of the baby, but if you have been following my last few posts, I can say that my dream has come true. :)

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Heaven Couldn't Wait

Oh dear, dear God.

I thought Belinda was in remission and was ready to start a family with Rove - after all that she had been through.

I thought they will both live happily ever after - such a beautiful and sweet couple. Two kindred spirits.

May you rest in peace Belinda - you left behind a beautiful man who loves you very much.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Near Freak Incident

So last night, whilst watching TV with Apeman, I ducked off during a commercial break to wee.

I wiped - and saw specks of bright red blood coming off with my cervical mucous. I wiped again, and again, and again, and it kept coming off. It wasn't much, just specks of blood, but bright red, and any bleeding is a freakout. And I am the queen of all freakouts.

Me: `So what do we do?'
Apeman: `It is probably nothing.'
Me: `So what happens if it is something? You are not supposed to see blood at 19 weeks?'

So, just on the safe side, Apeman took me to the hospital for a check up.

Thankfully the staff at the hospital were really helpful and calming. They checked to see if I have any cramping (no), weakness (no), or if I am bleeding clots (no). I was laid out on the examination table and a midwife used the doppler sound machine thing on me. We couldn't hear a heart beat. But we could hear the placenta pumping away.

`The sound of the placenta pumping blood is a good sign - it means there should be a heartbeat in there somewhere.' But she tried again and again and we could not hear the heart beat.

The doctor came in later and gave me an ultrasound. It took her two seconds to get a full picture of my little poopie. He/she was playing with his/her face, waving the arms about, and then all of sudden, decided to `moon' us all and did a 180 degree body flip. I can also faintly see the wriggling of fingers. We cannot see much else, but that was reassuring enough for us.

Thank you God for giving me this moment. I am so, so grateful.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Other Dream

Been having this dream since I left my full time engineering job.

It always starts with me running late for a lecture - and always physics. I hate physics - I try to have very little to do with it (though it doesn't work because I need it occasionally). I especially hated physics lectures. I can say I love Maths - but no, not physics. It's fucked.

Or - another scenario will be I was running behind with finishing off my assignment. I was running around everywhere - chasing after this and that and somehow I can never find the time to finish off my work even though I know it was due, like, yesterday.

I will be all anxious, because I was running so late, sometimes I cry because of the nervousness of it all. Sometimes I just wish this is all just a bad dream. And ha ha. It always was.

And I am always grateful to wake up and realise it has all been a bad dream. But it always leave a bad after taste in my mouth. Like I swallowed a bug or something. Or I wake up sweating profusely because I was so anxious.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not working anymore - it just feels like I am missing out of something everyday.

On a perkier note - I cut my hair yesterday. I had long, shiny, straight dark hair and I CUT it all off because it has been so hot. I did promise myself that if I ever get lucky (a.k.a. pregnant), I will cut my hair real short. The hairdresser did an okay job - afterwards I went home and laid in bed and couldn't say a word for the next three hours. I nearly cried. But didn't.

It was a little devastating, but it was, at the same time, like a soul revival.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The Dream

So far this year I already had four or five baby dreams - three of them I had before I'd fallen pregnant.

Last night, it was a delivery dream. It was so realistic - I was calling my baby by the name me and Apeman had decided on years ago. I was cradling the baby as soon as she was born. (Yes, SHE. I always dream about giving birth to a baby girl). I was nursing her. I was comforting her when she started to cry. I was saying to the midwife - `It's her isn't it? It's a girl? It's my girl! It's M......'. Then the tears.

Was at Miss Maud's today getting my fix. A small slice of black forrest cake straight from heaven. I joked to the lady and said,

`Ha - maybe I should just buy the whole cake instead of this tiny slice and get it over and done with!'.

And then I felt a nudge in the pelvic region - much like a persistent caress.... my baby agreed.

I think.

Monday, November 06, 2006

People Should .....

Yes. She and Guy Ritchie are rich, and thus this makes them powerful, and therefore they can adopt whenever and however way she wants.

Unlike the thousands of Australians who have to jump hoops and turn tricks for two+ years, spending bucketloads of money, just so they can be parents themselves. The same authorities should look into preaching birth control to 13 year olds who are kids themselves.

Another child is saved from poverty. People should just shut the fuck up and leave the new family alone so they can get on with their lives.

I maybe a little biased because I've been a fan when she was the Material Girl in the eighties...