Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Welcome to the land of the eternally barren

I have some good news.

Just found out my new friend Tammy - who is a very gifted woman and is going to perform Reiki on me to clear out my emotional blockages - charges only $30 per session.

Not $554465876786 like the other people who takes advantage of a poor woman who is slowly going mental because she cannot conceive like normal people.

Like my acunpunchurist (ex), naturopath (ex), another naturopath (ex) and the tarot card reader whom I saw a year ago in desperation, and didn't tell me anything I don't already know.

Yes, 6th time didn't work out. I am having a break before this conceiving problem breaks me. I don't want to start stealing babies in the middle of the night, or carry my `happy-dolly' around the shopping centre and pretend I had just given birth. That's mental.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Nearing the End

Another cycle is coming to an end.

The basal body temperature is starting to decline, the boobs has gone done in size, and I saw some hint of blood last night whilst wiping myself during my 89th trip to the toilet.

Sigh....so it will not be 6th time lucky. Or was it the 7th? I have lost count completely.

Never mind - when I first saw the bleeding I just consoled myself - it's okay, it is not the end of the world. I am 31 this year. I still have time on my side. I still have time to have a baby.

I need to be mentally and emotionally ready in case it happens to me soon.

But in the end no matter how positive I may seem - everything just plain sucks when IVF doesn't work out. I hate it when I call up the clinic for my blood test results and get the monotone sound of the nurses telling you no pregnancy hormone has been detected (ha - like I haven't heard that one before), stop all medication and wait for your period to come.

Never mind. I will keep eating healthy, keep positive for the next round. I have already started listening to meditating-like music to promote general well-being so I will be ready for next time.

I will keep fighting.

Friday, May 27, 2005

As Time Goes By

Poor Shrapelle Corby, she got sentenced to 20 years in jail for bringing mull into Bali. Tough sentence if she's innocent. I hope she's okay.

Imagine that - she will be 47 if she serve the full sentence. And if she is allowed out on parole earlier, she will be well into her fourties - not exactly her most fertile years to make babies.

Somebody sentimental sent me a cute joke today, it was rather lame but it finished with a beautiful phrase:

`The smallest seed of faith is better than the largest fruit of happiness'.

How true is that.

Interestingly, whilst I was strapped down the on meat block, with my legs tied to the stirrups minutes before my embryo transfer, the nurse engaged me in some light bantering.

She said, `Are you religious?'
Drew, `What?'
Nurse, `Like, are you into any forms of religion?'
Drew, `No.., but should I be? You reckon it will help?'
Nurse, `Yeah, to a certain extent, it will give you some hope and comfort'.
Drew, `Oh. Okay, maybe.'

Then the doctor started to clean my Fifi in preparation of the transfer. I was thinking to myself, maybe I need to have a little more faith in this process. I shouldn't live my life marvelling the life of a carefree childless couple and go shopping lots. Maybe I should work on my emotional feelings a little more, maybe I have some sort of emotional blockage that is preventing me from falling pregnant.

How hard is it to get pregnant? Maybe I will use the old trick and pretend I am 15 years old and doing it for the first time with a boyfriend from wrong side of the tracks. Ha - that should work.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Waiting Game

FET happened on Monday. All went well with a tiny bit of bleeding post transfer. My cervix is THAT sensitive.

I am in no mood thinking about FET today. Not because I am not positive about – it is mainly because it has become so routine to me (going in and out of hospital) that I am a little numb by this whole IVF process.

Best not to think about it.

If I worry about it all the time it is not going to do me any good. I need to have faith and trust that it will work for me one day.

I just made an appointment to see a new fertility specialist - I feel like such a traitor seeing someone else - my current doctor is so good to me. How do you break up from your doctor anyway? I am wrecking my brains here. I don't want to upset him because if I ever get lucky, I want him to deliver my baby. But the trick is getting me PREGNANT in the first place. So - I have decided to try my luck with another clinic who seems to have a pretty good track record with the locals.

Test date is next wednesday. I am very calm - and collected. I am not going to let the stress get to me. Whether or not it works I am still a good person and will stay happy.

Friday, May 20, 2005

My Other Passion

Yippee!

Went shopping last night. If all goes well next week, last night would be my last late night shopping experience for the next 9 months. I fully intend to live the life of a wholesome pregnant woman and tone down on the shopping and save up for the life growing inside me.

And on the downside....

I just keep on shopping. Everytime when IVF fails I turn into this HUGE unwanted sponge who cries for no reason. When I see a baby/mother ad on TV - I cry. Whenever I think of how much blood there was on my sanitary napkins - I cry. When I see pregnant women on the streets - well, I get teary, but did not cry like a mental woman. These days I find it easier to cope with a failure - maybe cry quietly for a little while - then move on.

What else can I do?

I have nobody to blame but myself. I can't blame the doctors and fertility clinic because they have done the best they can. I can't blame God because I am not religious. I can't blame Babe - it is not his fault either. And I feel that I should not even blame myself because I feel I have done enough and endured enough - so I need to give myself a little break.

So I shop. I buy things for the house, maybe some shoes, some new jumpers, a pretty dress, some more pillows so we can sleep comfortably, more pretty bedsheets, something for the dog, more food, more shit to cook food with such as spatulas, pans, spices....etc. Anything and everything I can think of to improve the quality of our life.

I will trade anything I have - health and all - for a new life to grow inside me.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Oranges and Motherhood

Once I remember watching this dumbass on TV – who did a stint for World Vision about the poor kids in Africa who are severely malnutrition.

She said she did a wonderful thing by delivering a big mass of oranges to this community and fed the children. She said the kiddies loved the oranges she sent, there were even footages of children chewing away on these oranges with juices running all over their cute little chins.

What a dumbass – great news for her that she is doing a good deed and feel much better about herself afterwards. But isn’t it common sense that oranges is ACIDIC, and is normally eaten as an after dinner fruit to help with digestion? Imagine the poor children who munched away on the oranges – only to suffer in silence later on with all that acid eating away their already non-existent stomach linings.

I think I make a very capable mother based on this single observation.

Still on the pessaries. Feel like a drag today because I am dreading the FET next Monday. I am not feeling too positive about this cycle. I think as the number of cycles increases – you just kind of lose hope and get used to it. Now the daily visits to the clinic, the blood tests, the ultrasounds, the medication, the filling in and signing of IVF consent forms – all these now becomes a routine. I am just glad I haven’t gone mental yet – I am amazed at my own perseverance – something which I thought I was incapable of, and a word which I cannot spell properly without using Microsoft spellcheck.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Why I love life

I love life because last night babe said something really beautiful to me.

It didn’t cause him any money, it also wasn’t much because it was only a sentence.

Just by remembering what he said last night made me feel better – suddenly IVF doesn’t seem that important anymore.

Well, just for a minute there.

6th FET - Half Time

I started to use the progestorone pessaries last night. Oh it's divine.

Of course I am being bitter and sarcastic. I hate using those pessaries. Not only do they make things pretty messy and stain your best underwear - once they are in, you are rendered handicapped because you have to stay still to make sure they get fully absorbed and don't leak out. I am not sure if I need them anyway. It seems like all my cycles my progesterone is well over 65 so the lining is not breaking down for nobody.

But like I said in my previous posts - in general all aspects of my IVF cycles looked fantastic - good eggs, good sperm, good fertilisation, good embryos, good blastocysts, good hormones .... everything with the excpetion of achieving pregnancy itself. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished. It's like with every negative thought I have it stops me from reaching my goal by a day. That's what I told my blood nurse. I said I feel like I am getting punished. It's as if the higher powers of above has decided I need to endure years of daily blood tests and needles in order to allow me to become a mom.

Just found out last night Kylie Minogue was diagnosed with breast cancer. Poor lass. She's only 36 and has been forever talking about how she wants to be a mom. This cancer is not going to help her at all. I hope she has success with her operation and be rid with that cancer ASAP.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Brother Is Getting Married

I just found out my brother is getting married in March next year.

Initially I was overwhelmed with happiness – gosh the joys of seeing my baby brother (5 years younger) getting married! The parties! The dresses! The pre-wedding shopping! The cake!!! Oh goody.

Then of course this baby-making business has to come and ruin it for me. A wave of panic washed over me and I cringe at the idea of them having a baby before we do – not that it hasn’t already happened to me before. Literally all our friends and family who married after us are already fastly breeding away. Even the unexpected ones – the couples who got married for the wrong reasons but ended up having the baby who saved the day – and the marriage.

I feel absolutely wicked thinking so negatively towards my own brother. But I can’t help it.

If I get lucky this 6th time I will be 8 months pregnant by the time the wedding comes around. It feels nice even writing it. Pregnant. 8 months. My life is complete.

Hell begins from here

Had a mad dash last night between work and home,
then from home to my mate V’s,
then from V’s to my cooking class at 7pm.

And in between all of this, I received a phone call (after hours) from the clinic.

I was told that the consultant who gave me my FET date earlier made a mistake. She didn’t realise I was doing a Day 5 Blastocyst transfer. So now the FET is officially next Monday because they have to match the endometrial lining thickness and maturity to the age of the embryo.

I have mixed feelings about this revised date:

1) It sucks because I was hoping to get it over and done with earlier – so the pessimist in me will barrack for the `the sooner it’s happened, the sooner it is over and done with, and the sooner I will know it doesn’t work (again). So once again I can get on with my life as the walking contraceptive who respond and nod accordingly to probing questions from nosey buggers who ask why am I not pregnant yet.

2) However I am glad it has been delayed because it means I can have the weekend to myself doing normal things – like carrying my own groceries, stuffing around with the dog, visit the nursery (not the maternal type) and buy some plants, cook up a storm in the kitchen…etc.

I find it best to switch off my feelings these days when thinking about the embryos. Once upon a time when I was na├»ve and believe in the goodness in life – I used to give names to all our little cells. Some names are cutesy names me and Babe made up (Babe is my dear husband), or even proper names for our potential children. Then we started to loose them all so now we don’t talk about it too much. It is too heart wrenching. I think if I relate the cells as `life beings’ I will go mental eventually – I need to keep it together so I can keep fighting.

Monday, May 16, 2005

More Probing

During the weekend I wrote a series of hideously long and winding philosophies on life – according to Drew. But internet at home keeps playing up so I was unable to post.

Endometrial lining today is at 10mm. Day 9. Not bad. Doctor said it was absolutely perfect (ha – like I haven’t heard that one before). And I will not require anymore ultrasounds this cycle. Excellent news. No more blood tests.

I am a human pin cushion, only the right arm is ever good enough for taking blood. There is one tiny vein there, which is never visible, and tends to pop in and out of reach as soon as the needle goes in there. I am the clinic’s worse pathological nightmare.

Friday, May 13, 2005

6th Transfer

So this morning, I went to the clinic for my Day 6 ultrasound.

This cycle I am using Progynova 20mg to bring up the endometrial lining thickness - however no ovulation will be occuring because my own oestrogen will be suppressed. So basically I will be going for at least two or three ultrasounds to check the lining thickness. Once the lining is thick enough, I will be going for my 6th transfer.

Such exciting stuff.

This morning - the doctor who did the ultrasound happened to be the doctor who did my 5th transfer. The moment he saw me he exclaimed: `Now why didn't you get pregnant when I did the last transfer for you? You were naughty there weren't you??' I paused and chuckled accordingly at his joke. Funny ha ha.

Well that was the million dollar question wasn't it? I wish I did frigging well got pregnant last cycle because otherwise I wouldn't be lying here waiting for you to use the vaginal probe on me once again like the old days wouldn't I?

All lubed up and ready to go.

So lining thickness is looking promising. On Day 6 it is already on a juicy 9mm. I know some women struggled to get their lining to this thickness even on Days 13+. But here I am, with optimal lining thickness - ready for transfer as soon as it gets juicy enough. But then again, everything had been picture perfect in the past and I haven't had any success to date. So this picture here is not telling the thousand words it promised.

Am waiting for blood test results. I know what it will be. Oestrogen will be less than 300, I will not be ovulating this cycle so don't expect it to rise anymore than that. So take a few days break from blood tests they'd say, come back on Day 10 and have another vaginal probe and we will go from there.

I shoud apply for a job at the fertility clinic. I am experienced enough to answer patients questions, can interpret my own results, I am empathic so I can console patients. This morning whilst lying on the bed waiting to be probed, I was going to flick on the ultrasound machine and see if I can scan myself. Might as well learn another skill and save myself a buck or two.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I am looking at a beautiful rainbow. I am fortunate enough to be sitting near a very large window facing the river – and I have a panoramic view of the breathtaking landscape – and this beautiful rainbow just appeared.

Today is Day 6 of FET. I guess there is hope for me.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Why so hard?

There must be some sort of statistics out there about what sort of percentage of women out there experience infertiltiy. What is it? 20%? 30%? They say for a healthy woman - there is a 25% chance for her to fall pregnant every month.

I live in hope that this is the case - and that my past 5 transfers were duds because of statistics. That's what my doctor told me as well. I have a nice healthy womb - only my ovary (now gone) is dodgy. So realistically and optimistically - I should get pregnant no problem right?

I am one of those lucky blessed ones (BLESSED?) who although is plagued with this bastard of an illness called Endometriosis, I am only affected by it on one side - which means my other ovary is good and free from disease. So after some encouragement from my doctor - I went under the knife in March this year and had the ovary taken out. It was painful - and I wanted to cry but couldn't because the 3 inch surgery opening just below my bikini line will pull and it will hurt even more. It has been three months since my surgery - so far so good. I told my doctor even though he can't get me pregnant at least he is an ace at surgery.

Right now - I am waiting for attempt numero six. I am going for gold. I am using Progynova to bring on a simulated cycle so I know exactly when the embryo transfer is. Like my previous attempt, I am going to adopt the `no frills' approach.

Now what is the `no frills' approach?

Well, I started off full of hope - keep thinking `Oh this is it - let's start thinking of names and prepare for our baby'. Of course that didn't work out. Then I used the `let's be more careful approach', and laid on my back throughout the entire 2 week wait. Of course that didn't work out either. That was with two embryos transferred as well and a bonk during ovulation. Then I went on to try the `I am going back to work and carry on normal' approach. That almost worked, I was pregnant for a few days - but it was not a viable pregnancy and the baby implanted abnormally. Then I returned to the `be more careful' approach for the fourth time - that didn't work. The fifth time it was `carry on as normal', I did housework, went shopping, pushed reasonably hard at the throne and everything.

This time I am going to be the same.

Hell - how do you think women during the war days get pregnant? Of course they don't have the luxury of laying on the back for weeks, plus they have to worry about flying missles or ninjas breaking into their house .... so yeah. No frills approach this time.

Hi, I am Drew. I am crap at making babies.

Good day to you.

My name is Drew. Here goes - another one of those tragic IVF story.

A little about myself - and in the future I will gradually feel in all the holes. I am 31 this year. Been married for almost 5 years now. I live in Australia - the land of the free but for me - trying to conceive (ttc) comes with a big price for me. My husband is the same age. We both love children. We had all the names worked out even before we got married.

Initially we bonked like rabbits and hoping one of those months will be IT. I get pregnant and we live happily ever after.

One year later, still no babies. Went for routine blood test and found out I'm not ovulating. So, after 5 years, 5 major operations, a few years worth of hormone medication/injections into the gut, 4 IVF cycles, 2 extra IVF cycles that went horribly wrong and had to be cancelled, a case of ovarian hyperstimulation, a diagnosis of severe endometriosis that got progressively severe as I pump myself with more and more IVF drugs, and the loss of one of my ovaries and fallopian tube later - and here I am - still hopelessly barren.

Oh by the way - I am going to be mean in this blog. I am not going to be nice like the way I confide in people about my problems. This is my ONLY outlet. I don't want to hear no more

`Oh it's all stress hunny, just relax and it will come', or
`When are you going to think about having children? Time is running out you know...tick tock..tick tock', or
`Oh your time will come, it is just your body telling you that it is not ready for a baby yet'.

I just can't help but being cynical sometimes.

I am just a little tired, a little frustrated, a little scared. However I am not loosing hope yet. I just wish for this blog to help me vent out some of the emotions all bottled up inside.

I wish the best for all couples who are having problems conceiving out there.