Monday, January 30, 2006

Another Pause

Another perfect 28-day cycle came and went and I am still fruitless with everyone else around me getting pregnant or due to give birth, all due in March or April, all miracles conceived during the heightened months of my pain. All Beckys and Marys are cradling their bundles of joy and grinning from the cover of heftily lifted magazines. I scream silently in defeat and ask for mercy.

All I am left with is a soaked pad of sadness and a spectacular shoe collection that gives me no pleasure and no meaning in life.

I just panicked. I want to see if there is a power somewhere I can trade my soul with. I just don’t understand.

Today is not a good day.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Oh No Not Gwen!

If you don't want to know, don't go digging.

Bought a magazine yesterday with a rather unfortunate picture of Britney Spears on the cover - poor lass was photographed with her double chin and her post-baby stomach hanging out - photographers can be really cruel if they want to be. The girl just had a baby - at least she didn't starve herself like the other supermodels and actresses out there and appeared anorexic just weeks after giving birth.

So I turn to the back for the quick gossips, and discovered my rock goddess Gwen Stefani, who is the epitomy of cool, rock chic and the iron board stomach is pregnant.

Oh dear God.

Even rock goddesses are getting pregnant. And I am still sitting here wondering where all the sperm went the last six years we've been having unprotected sex, vaginal secretions as indication of ovulation, and why do planes almost always experience really bad turbulence when we fly over Indonesia.


We just had our six year anniversary. Six years of infertility. It is becoming very real.

Nothing much really, there is another one of those baby boom at work, just about everybody's wife is pregnant.

One incident I can recall was roughly between my 5th and my 6th IVF attempt, I was feeling particularly down, and ended up chatting to a lovely lovely boy whom I worked with because I really didn't feel like doing any real work. He is a good catch - he can cook really well, and treat ladies with alot of respect. I ended up chatting to him extensively about my kitchen knive collection for an hour. He told me at the time he started seeing a beautiful girl he met at his church and want to find out from me if there are any nice places around town to take her. I suggested a few upmarket eateries. He thanked me and asked if I liked his new jumper - a gift from his new lady friend. It was a nice jumper.

And last month he emailed me out of the blue (he has moved on to a new job), his wife (that lady friend of his) is up the duff. She's four months pregnant. He is a happy man.

Just goes to show how long this infertility journey has been for us. It is tiring. At times I want to say fuck you to the forces of nature who subjected us to this. But now I am way beyond that, it really is okay. I haven't lost hope but at the same time I have accepted it. I have somehow managed to convince myself that it is okay and not to get upset over it.

And thanks to those who left a comment for my last posting - you are all so incredibly wonderful and strong. :) For those who's journey has not been completed yet let's hope 2006 brings about good news and bundles of joy.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

New Year!!! Yeah!!

All that high-horse `I'm happy regardless of baby or no baby' bullshit behaviour of mine certainly paid off last year - I finally entered a BRAND new year HAPPY. Not sulky, blameful, whiny, depressed like the previous years.

I had a delirious month - I spent 4 weeks travelling with the Apeman - we did a few towns amongst a few continents and went skiing and sightseeing and actually tried to have a good time. And we most certainly did. And oh my god we actually had sex whenever we feel like it (not timed like before. Fuck that).

One night in Beijing, on Day 34 of my Clomid cycle, I was sitting in a heated hotel room pondering if I should put on my bathers and go for a dip in the heated natural springs. Every fertility book I have read said `Thou shall not go for dips in pool post embryo transfer to prevent risks of infection'. I said fuck it anyway and went for my life. Sitted in a hot spring amongst an atmosphere of -8 degC is way cool. Have to try that one again.

And thankfully, sigh, period rocked up with a vengance 2 days later. Ladies and gentlemen - its another dud cycle. But oh yeah I ovulated alright.

So anyway - onward and upwards - I have started a new regime of Chinese medicine - we spent almost AUD$3000 on boxes of these formulated chinese herbs purchased from Beijing - apparently the formulations were created according to the doctors who served the imperial family. We also had our pulse read by the professors of the Chinese medicine insitute and not surprisingly I was told by the master that I have irregular periods and have, urm, chunky periods. Apeman's swimmers are apparently a little on the slow side due to the `heating up' of the liver. Apparently.

And congrats to Ovagirl on your pregnancy - I have been thinking of you and hope to rub a bit of that babydust from you to use in 2006. Everytime I read about the news of a pregnancy from a trooper like yourself gives me hope. You go girlfriend!!!

And to share another bit of good news, I recently read about a couple who tried to conceive for more than 8 years gave birth to a baby girl on Christmas Day. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes.