Thursday, January 29, 2009

I don't even know what to say.

I got my bad nausea back again after dinner last night. Throwing up every fifteen minutes or so. Things were looking up. I am pregnant.

I woke up exhausted this morning, only to discover a heap of blood on my panty liner. I wiped and wiped and keep wiping fresh red blood.

I know in my heart things are nearly, if not already, over.

I don't understand. I really don't understand. We all saw a strong heartbeat in my doctor's rooms last night.

I am starting to think maybe Poopee is indeed a miracle. Not just in typed words - but a miracle that needs to be celebrated everyday. Because I got pregnant with her without knowing that I could, and carried her to term without any mishaps. After so many years of struggling with fertility and she happened without a glitch. And I thank God for that.

I was told to rest my feet up this morning despite the obvious, and a scan tomorrow to check what is going on. I am not being pessimistic. I am being realistic.

I am grateful for the opportunities, but is completely heartbroken to be me right now. I just don't know what to say.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Apparently approximately 7 weeks

The title may explain the current situation. Apparently I am still pregnant despite the bleeding and sudden disappearance of nausea.

Good doctor was able to squeeze me in for a scan. He is such a good doctor so I didn't feel any discomfort during the vaginal scan, he easily got into position and a further two seconds later he announced that all is good nothing to worry about.


A close up revealed a beating heart. Gallop-gallop-gallop-gallop. Cervix closed. Only one sac. 7 weeks tomorrow.

Again nothing and nobody can explain the bleeding. I also bled at 6 weeks 3 days with Poopee. But it was not as much blood like today. And today the bleeding went on for quite a while.

For my peace of mind another scan was booked in a few weeks time. I don't know if I can wait that long but I will have to. Calm works. Panic and stressed doesn't.

Stay. Calm. Stay. Calm. Stay. Calm.

6 weeks 3 days

I started to bleed this morning when I woke up.

Had really bad nausea right up until early this morning, then suddenly ZAP! - everything is gone. Not even that sickly feeling anymore.

Bleeding getting heavier by the minute. Rang the good doctor this morning and was able to secure a scan this afternoon - two days ahead of our scheduled appointment.

Numb. Not scared. Just numb.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

6 weeks and barfing


So it's really here. The barfing and wanting to barf feeling.

A mum in playgroup who is five months into her second pregnancy proudly bragged about her zero nausea throughout her last and current pregnancies. Not even the slightest.

I was in fact having this conversation with her on wednesday during playgroup that I suddenly had this funny taste in my throat. It's heeeeeere.

Apeman was changing Poopee last night when I was throwing up in the basin. Poopee saw my distress, and my gorgeousness, her lips trembled and she made herself cry. Afterwards I told Apeman I better do my throwing up elsewhere and away from Poopee next time.

Still calm. Everything is normal except I am hiding this pregnancy from the world (not the cyberworld of course) until I get a bit more reassurance.

I am at the hands of the higher beings. But I am happy already. Just happy.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

5.5 Weeks

HCG = 24, 614
P4 = 105

Numbers alot higher than the last pregnancy, but on par with the first (Poopee). I know these numbers are not meant to be comparable, since every pregnancy is different. But I guess this means things are okay for now.

Scan moved forward to next friday as per the instructions of my good doctor. I hope to see a happier picture this time. I can only hope. I am staying aloof until then.

Cool as a cucumber.

Hideous image seen today at the maternity hospital (where I had my blood test). A girl looked about eighteen and was heavily pregnant, she was wearing hospital gown and slowly waddled on the hospital sidewalks with her mum, obviously for a pre-labour stroll. Smoking full strength cigarettes. She didn't even consider going down in dosage. That poor baby inside.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Obama 2009!!!

What more can I say. This man is motivational, I cannot wait to see the footage of him sworning in as the 44th American President. With the way things are going at the moment, I am going to cry my eyes out. I was reading the newspaper about the Hudson River plane crash the other day and I was crying like a baby. Apeman walked past and thought I was crazy. Bloody pregnancy hormones.

Here's a number one from my girl for the president elect.

Thanks for the recent comments on my blog! This one is for you Endobaby, from my chubba bubba to your chubba bubba!

Strange symptom this time - I had to empty my bowels a few times a day. If I don't go I feel like I will explode. Bloodtest either tomorrow or thursday. Then first scan on 7th Feb.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Catch Up

Where do I start?

Back in September/October, when the second pregnancy didn't work out, tissue from the D&C was sent to the lab for analysis - a post mortem so to speak. It was costly considering how routine this test actually is. I read in the newspaper today that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So after what seemed to be weeks of waiting, heartbreakingly I wanted to find out the sex of the baby because at least I can mourn my little embryo with a gender-appropriate name (despite naming her initally as Penelope), the results came conclusively and dismissively as `insufficient tissue to conduct analysis'. I never get to find out why things didn't work out.

Weeks of mild depression, followed by constant nagging by close family and relatives that my little Poopee is not talkative - at all. My Poopee was 19 months old when we took her to the doctors for a routine hearing test - since this is the first thing they test if a toddler is not verbal. I never suspected anything - really - she is totally gorgeous. She communicates well (just not verbally) with other people, makes good eye contact, loves engaging in people with small jibberish talk, and has a pretty good understanding of our instructions to her. In two, even three languages.

The hearing test was a negative. Sounds couldn't travel past her ear drums, which means she has only partial or no hearing - which may explain her lack of speech. We were referred to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, whom referrred us to an Audiologist and did a more comprehensive hearing test. Similar results. She had some degree of hearing but there was definitely a loss. The Ear specialist tried to look into her ears to see past the eardrum (checking for glue ears), he discovered her eardrum was completely covered up with wax, so much so that he couldn't even see her eardrum.

December 15th 2008, worst day of my life. My Poopee was scheduled into the hospital she was born in (ironically). Doctor had to give her ears a good clean (whilst she was under general anesthethic), and to check for glue ears. For glue ears he had to pierce her eardrums with the tiniest of needle and insert tiny little grommits to allow dry air circulation. This is all to improve her hearing.

I had to hold her down whilst they insert the needle into her wrist, the drugs to make her go to sleep. I know that needle, the last time that needle went into my wrist I was at my D&C. That needle really hurt. They did that to my poor Poopee twice because the first time didn't hit a vein. She was wailing and screaming and crying out in pain as I held her down. I had to be supported out of the theatre because I was crying so much I couldn't even walk. I wasn't a very strong mum for Poopee unfortunately.

It was over and one with within five minutes. Poopee woke up very pissed off. The good news was she didn't have glue ears. So no grommits were needed. She just had ALOT of wax in her ears. So much that it impaired her hearing. Her hearing has now been restored.

Since then we noticed only a slight improvement in her speech. She doesn't copy words well, and only uses a few words. I am a bit terrified that there is something else wrong with her speech abilities, though Apeman thinks I worry too much. She is now 22 months. Yes she is slow with her speech, but she will catch up. In the mean time we have regular sessions with a speech therapist to help us.

And on top of all the medical appointments and constant worrying over her speech and eating (or the lack of) - I developed insomnia. I laid in bed for 10 hours whilst Poopee sleep peacefully away, wide awake. Even sleep aid in both natural and medical ingredients didn't help. The worst was sleeping just two hours in four days. It was worst than dying. For me anyway.

Thankfully I regained my ability to sleep as soon as Poopee had her surgery. I stopped worrying and slept well since. But am afraid it will happen again.

Then December 27th, Apeman left that night for a work trip. He said he was keen for a baby (again) so let's get it on etc. We did it just before he left for the airport.


Two days before my period was due (things been very regular since my D&C), I felt really tired, so tired even after a restful night of sleep. The day my period was due, January 11th 2009, I bought a pregnancy test kit and peed on it. Two lines very quickly.

I was stunned. To have it happen again, like this.

This time I am completely cool about it. I am going to sit tight, and wait for a blood test next friday. Seven weeks scan already booked in with my good doctor.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Hello from an old friend from far far away

Still here. Thanks to those who have been dropping by!

Lots of things happened. I will post about them later when Apeman gives me more than two minutes on this damn computer.

Nearly five weeks pregnant again. I feel pretty numb. Not as nervous as last time. And don't feel pregnant either. Just bone tired and want to empty my bowels alot.

I am not going to stress about something that is completely beyond my control. I will not.