Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The cat out of the recycled bag

Finally my Apeman was able to tell his parents about our pregnancy. My poor Ape had been been withhelding the information for so long - and when he finally was able to tell his parents he couldn't be any prouder or happier. According to his parents, we are having a little piglet in accordance with the Chinese Zodiac calendar.

It took less than 8 hours for the news to travel. And the reaction we received was interesting.

We were greeted with a few - `Oh, FINALLY we are able to congratulate you guys! It's been a LONG while!'

Ah...yeah. Like 6 years. But we never told anybody we were actively trying. We kept our IVF journey to ourselves (apart from some understanding friends and workmates). And if anybody was nosey enough to keep asking, we simply reply with a curt `We're not ready to have children'. Didn't realise people were putting a timer on us.

But the rest of the reactions were nice. My grandma was really happy for me. I said I feel so bad that it happened only after my grandpa passed away, because I still miss him daily. Grandma said she will let Grandpa know, he will be so happy.

Physically-wise, I am looking a little rounder in the stomach at 12.5 weeks, a bit like the stomach I get after a big meal. But it is definitely noticably rounder just under the belly-button. I am also a littler clingier to Apeman....always wondering what he is doing and getting shitty about it. Apeman thought that was pretty amusing. He said I am a nag now.

About a year ago I was on vacation overseas and a girl at the make-up counter (from which I was buying something from), asked how far long was I. I then realised I was resting my contented stomach (from a big meal) on the counter whilst fumbling for my purse. I felt I had no choice but to admit (happily) that I was indeed pregnant. She said ahhhh congratulations I bet you are 3 months worth. It was so embarrassing and I went back to the hotel and did some stomach crunches immediately.

Today, after a big meal at a local cafe (cravings for eggs and bacon), the cafe owner came by and said - I bet you are having a girl. I was shocked to see he can actually see my belly - hidden under a loose top. I smiled and he told me he had three sons, so he can tell.

It was my first `pregnancy tag'. It was very nice for a change.

Saturday, September 23, 2006


This is not a post about hygiene... but about something that is lower than the lowest form of scum.

Maybe a year ago or so, I mentioned in one of my post about one of Apeman's cousin-in-law - a man in his late thirties, who shouldn't be referred to as a man because he isn't. The biggest chauvinistic egotistic person I had ever known.

This person, I will call him Cousin J - was supposed to be happily married to Apeman's cousin for 14 years. They were childhood sweethearts, and because both were happy enough to not carry on with further education, they had decided to marry young and started a business in a small country town.

The business flourished, but there were rumours of fertility problems because the family chatters about it all the time. (You see my problem?). Six years later they decided to close down the business and move back to the city. A year later their first daughter was born under relatively stress free conditions (well, he didn't work).

Cousin J started to whinge to the Alpha Males of the family, about the importance of having a male `heir' (oh puuuuulease!), and how girls will eventually marry off and is worth nothing to her own family except to be fertility slaves to their husbands. This man clearly is from another century and probably should stay there.

Rumours of fertility problems kicked up again, this time it was secondary infertility for them. Everybody knew he was keen to have another child. Three and a half years later, the wife was finally pregnant again.

A scan was conducted at five months - the couple found out about the sex of the baby but kept to themselves. Things started to travel downhill from here. As the delivery date approaches, family and friends congratulated the couple for a job well done, it so happens one day my sister in law bumped into Cousin J at the shops, he was hanging out with mates whilst his heavily pregnant wife was at home tending to their daughter. My sister in law later recounted this conversation to me.

`Hey J, congratulations!'
`So you excited about the baby? It's due anyday now!'
`So that's it hey? Your wife must be stoked'
`Yeah well, you know, I want more children, I love kids so much I would love to have another one real soon.'
`....But you are having one real soon already? Isn't your wife due next week?'

He did not mention about the impending birth, nor did he show any excitement once the baby was born - another girl. The poor girl didn't have a name for a month because he was so disinterested in naming her.

Even before the forceps were packed away, and before the stitches were healed, Cousin J annouced the couple's third pregnancy a few months later. And probably with a sigh of relief from all - mostly from his wife, the third child was a boy. I saw the wife soon after the birth of their third child, she looked like mess trying to tend to three children on her own most times, and looked far older than her 36 years.

Interestingly, even with the birth of his famliy `heir', Cousin J showed very little emotion, and we saw even less of him. And even less of his children, we still aren't sure if the second child has a name.

It came to his wife's attention several months ago that, apparently Cousin J had fathered two children during his overseas visits (all conducted during his wife's pregnancies), and was (and still is) sleeping with a third girl who works with him. After months of trying to get her husband to go on a much needed holiday with her, his wife decided she had enough and went alone, only to discover that the same day she flew out of town he left his three kids with a friend and booked a romantic stay at a local holiday resort with his lover. The rest of the can of worms reviewed themselves soon after.

Divorce proceedings had been filed. Cousin J swears he will use his new found hobby (black magic) to hurt anybody who dares interferes with his marital and personal business.

Writing this post gives me a bad taste in my mouth. He is trully foul. He needs to be deported from this planet.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I am officially a stalker

What do I do, when two days in a row I had stomach cramps, the boobs have gone done in size, and I don't `feel' pregnant anymore? I am no longer bloated either. No nausea in two weeks, only a slight sickly feeling at night time after dinner.

I go straight to the hospital again and scratched on their doors. I am officially their stalker of the year.

I went in there with a thick face - shyly (not slyly) checking myself in with the Triage nurse, then I sat down quietly in my corner to wait for a midwife to see me, whilst sneaking little looks at the nurse who was registering my details using the computer, just to make sure they hadn't posted my photo up on the `Dangerous - Do Not Admit' notice board.

I feel so embarrassed. But I guess it's okay to post this story here because you don't know how I look like.

Just happy to say, the cramps were due to my pelvic adhesions - a leftover gift from my previous operations, and possibly due to nerves. Not sure about the boobs and nausea - probably because the hormones have calmed already, I think. The uterus is already large enough to be scanned on the abdomen (instead of the pelvis). My little 12 week old wriggled, jerked, bounced and generally moved so much that the doctor had problems giving he/she the head to rump measurements - it is roughly 6cm. A little low on the amnionic fluids because I had been so nervously dehydrated - that's probably why my little one is jumping up and down!

I will try not to make another visit to the hospital - for as long as I can, unless I absolutely have to, spoken like a true stalker.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

A Moment In Ape

During a commercial break....

Apeman: 'Babe, why don't we go buy an ultrasound machine?'
Drew (choking): `Oh that's just so Tom and Katie.'
Ape: `Who's Tom and Katie?'
D: `Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. They had a baby girl you know.'
Ape: `Who's Katie Holmes?'
D: `Tom's fiance, "Joey" from Dawson's Creek.'
Ape: `Never heard of her.'
D: `She flashed her tits in that `Gift' movie about a clairvoyant.'
Ape: `Aw yeah, I know her. Why don't you say so in the first place. Still, an ultrasound machine would be good, you can see the baby everyday.'
D: `You can't just ultrasound yourself everyday, it can be dangerous, plus what the hell are you going to do with the machine once you are done with it?'
Ape: `I will give it to my brother.'

Thanks to everybody who dropped by with their congratulations. I am slowly getting used to the idea of being `pregnant' now. Yesterday I celebrated my 11 week milestone lying in bed because the uterus must be leaning on a nerve close to where my left ovary used to be. I have been getting these mind numbing pains all the way up my spine through to the tops of my left thigh. I asked Apeman is it too obsessive complusive to go straight to the emergency hospital for some answers. He calmly explained to me that it is probably the stomach ligaments stretching to accomodate the growing baby. So I should relax and focus on something else. He is amazing but I have to wonder where he got that bit of information from.

Monday, September 11, 2006


I hope this doesn't read like one of those ungrateful, self-absorbed, smug-pregnant post. That is not my intention and I am never that type of girl. I am so incredibly humbled by what has happened to me and I still wake up every morning feeling incredibly grateful and in disbelieve.


You waited patiently for years for a miracle to happen, and would give anything to have a little life growing inside you - and to feel you are just as normal as the neighbours next door who said they wanted to conceive a baby by July and did - almost without effort.

Then the miracle happened. Or rather - like I used to say to girlfriends who are trying for a baby too - my number came up.

And then with every waking hour you spent checking for bleeding and assessing stomach twinges. Even during night time. When I wake up from my restless sleep I feel I need to wipe myself just to check. It's crazy.

It is so insane that yesterday, because I drank a little too much water in the morning, I ended up peeing every 10 minute or so. Plus these days the bladder doesn't work as well as it used to - it takes up to three or more trips to the toilet just to empty my bladder. So obviously I spent a little too much time wiping.

Then the next wipe I see faint spots of blood.

I shit myself. I couldn't breathe. I stopped doing everything. I took a shower and went to bed straight away. Apeman came home from hunting (he doesn't hunt for real, but he goes off and do things like move furniture for mates or bricks or what not all the time), and asked what's wrong babe.

`I think I am bleeding oh fuck.'

`Just calm yourself down, it will be okay.'

Then suddenly I realise I have been suppressing a light stinging sensation in my nether regions. I checked again. The bleeding came from the skin because I was WIPING MYSELF SO FREAKING MUCH!

You dopehead. I said to myself.

Just sleep because you are stressing yourself out and the baby. Just sleep.

And I did.

I confided in my sister-in-law about my pregnancy a few days ago, she had three kids and I figured I need to speak to somebody who had children more recent than my mom. She told me to relax, think happy thoughts for the baby. I said some days I really am happy - I think nursery, baby blues and pinks, I think about finally being able to hold my baby for the first time and kissing the baby multiple times on the cheek just like I do with Apeman when I am feeling lovable. Then there are the dark days - when I am feeling down and pessimistic. Sister in law reckons its the hormones - she said it often fluctuates and you can have very extreme moods.

I put it down to the hang-ups of being an infertile for so many years. I recently realise that my mother in law no longer talks to me about children (if somebody in the family has fallen pregnant, she tells everyone else but me). She won't even let me hold on to Apeman's niece's hand when we are out on the street - I don't know if she is being possessive of the child or maybe she thinks I must be some sort of anti-christ feminist who couldn't fall pregnant like everyone else in the family so all children must stay away from Aunty Drew. (She doesn't know about our pregnancy yet). And not just my mother in law - some friends are like that too.

I have to laugh - thinking that a couple of weeks ago I was asked by the sweet nurses from the fertility centre (who, bless them, circled me like I am the most popular girl in school), asked me if I have chosen an obs doctor yet and have I decided which hospital to give birth in. I stared at them blankly and said, `Really?'. It almost feel like they are talking to somebody behind me rather than me.

Okay - now that I have dumped all my hang-ups here, I feel much better.

Apart from this bonus of having a baby in my belly finally, I am also pleased to say I have also been blessed with a great set of boobs. Definitely an upgrade from my usual A-cup variety.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

10 week scan

We went to our 10 week scan yesterday. I woke up feeling edgy. I ate my lunch feeling edgy. I got dressed at 1pm when the appointment was for 4pm. Because I was feeling anxious, and edgy. So I try to relax and read some of the information leaflets Apeman brought home from the maternity hospital a few weeks ago (I checked myself in at 7 weeks due to minor bleeding).

Apeman got me the following pregnancy related information pamplets:
1. Eating for two
2. Thrush
3. Pre-menstrual Syndrome (??) Apparently Apeman thought PMS is a type of pregnancy symptom.

I am one of those really annoying people who turn up half an hour early for their appointments - even for waxing. So as usual I was half an hour early.

Fortunately my doctor was happy to see me (because he had a gap in appointments yesterday) so he ushered me into his office as soon as I walked into his practice. Initially he said why don't we try to do a pelvic scan, maybe we can see something there instead of having to go vaginally. I said okay. He rolled the scan across my pelvic region over and over again - nothing. Just masses of muscle can be seen on the screen - no gestational sac. No baby.

I panicked.

The doctor explained to me that it is because I have a big pelvic scar that was in the way (from my ovary exitus surgery) - so he didn't want to press any harder to get the picture. Let's go vaginal probe. He said remove your pants and we will try again.

Like my life depended on it, I pulled off my pants and panties in a hurry as soon as the doctor walked away.

My sweet Apeman came to help me.

`Don't worry babe, slow down, it's okay'.

Doctor came back - the vaginal probe feels alot larger than my scan at 8 weeks, or maybe because I am so swollen inside it seems to take ages for him gently ease the probe to the right spot.

Suddenly on the screen we see a blob. A small blob. Smaller than the image we saw during our 8 week scan. I was told to use my hands to support my buttocks so they can be lifted up slightly. It seemed to help a little.

`Ah...there's the little one, and there's the heartbeat'.

Apeman giggled a little upon seeing his unborn's heartbeat.

`How come it seemed so small?' I asked.

`It's because the baby is sitting at angle to us this time, so you are looking down at the baby's head or rump'.

Suddenly - on the screen I see something jerked. I saw a tiny little `branch' jerked outwards suddenly and then retreated.

`That's either the arm or leg, most probably the arm because they are longer than the legs at the moment.' Explained doc.

I started to tear up and smiled for the first time that day.

Doc tapped on the screen and said to my sweet little bub - `Come on, do it again for mom and dad.'

As if the baby heard him, one of the limbs jerked out again - this time a little wave, then retreated.

I thought I died and went to heaven. Last night I told Apeman the day we had today was one the happiest days of my life - so far.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

In Silence

In case if any of you had been dropping by and wondering what the hell happened to me. Well I have two good reasons:

1. My laptop got hijacked. Brother in law decided that he is better off taking MY laptop with him for his business holiday - that was a month ago. I got my laptop back today - completely scratched beyond recognition (my first reaction was - what is this piece of shit?) and missing the most important part - THE FREAKING POWER CONNECTION LEAD. Fuck's sake. He left it in China. Not sure if I will be getting a replacement back either.

2. I am pregnant. Petrified. Numb. Weeing up to 20 twenty times a day due to compressed bladder and anxious.

The number two statement is not a joke (neither was the first). I am still trying to come to terms with it and wake up daily thinking the worst is still to come because I am un-derserving. I am not shitting you. My doctor TOLD me I have no chance. It is not physically possible. Here's what happened.

Since coming back from my US holiday early July - I had been patiently waiting for my period to show up. I saw the doctor - he said you might as well think about alternative options because so far everything he throws in my direction is not working. I carried on my life as per normal - with no expectations and no regrets.

I honestly have no expectations.

Day 42 into my cycle and still no period. I rang the clinic and whinged - complaining that my ovary is playing up again and had lost the will to ovulate. The kind nurse said why don't you come in for a blood test to check for ovulation.

I did, and I have already ruled out a possible pregnancy because that sort of stories only happen to good and lucky people. Not me. Me with the inpenetrable endometrium. In saying that - this cycle I had carried out two ovulation tests and a pregnancy test at various times and were all negative. So that was that.

I didn't hear from the clinic that afternoon so eventually I called them for my results. I didn't want to sit through a sulky sunday contemplating surgery options and wondering why I cannot just ovulate like other women.

The nurse apologised for the late results, and told me the results were looking good so far(progesterone at 78), but they are still working on my pregnancy test. I was deliriously happy - "Does that mean I ovulated this cycle?", the nurse promptly replied, "Oh yes Drew you definitely did". I was happy as pie. I am normal. I went back to help Apeman with moving some 10 kg bags of cement from his truck.

Five minutes later. I got a call. It was nurse. She started off sounding all secretive. Then she told me she's got a positive on my pregnancy test.

I lost the ability to stand and speak English. I started to repeat `Wha..wha..wha?'. I was trying to ask her HOW, and WHY, and for how long. She must have been used to these type of reactions, so she told me my HCG was 12,500, and I am more than likely to be six weeks along. Apeman came from nowhere because he heard my wailing and hugged me tight.

I had been in a state of shock since then. I still cannot believe it. I haven't been able to verbalise my fear and cry tears of happiness since then. Except for sad movies, Australian Idol selection and some good advertisements showcasing babies and puppies.

I was discharged at 7 weeks from my fertility centre. Everybody contragulated my spontaneous pregnancy.

I had my 8 week scan. My bub was kicking and moving already and the little heart beating happily away. Not to mention the right dimensions for its age too.

On friday I will have my 10 week scan.

Nausea came in a hurry soon after I discovered my pregnancy, everything I eat comes out straight away. Fortunately nausea has stopped pretty much after 9 weeks, and now I am stuck with a sick feeling at night and can only be comforted through eating. (I hate a whole cake - please forgive me).

I am completely petrified and not able to explain what happened. I cannot even remember having sex and did not even know I ovulated and worried this maybe one of those immaculate conception. I didn't know I can do it naturally - after all those years of getting the best laboratory and technical help. I am the human walking and talking contraception and here I am, writing about my newfound pregnancy.

I have not told a soul. Only my mother knows. Because I am dead scared. I am trying to stay hopeful and be positive.