I hope this doesn't read like one of those ungrateful, self-absorbed, smug-pregnant post. That is not my intention and I am never that type of girl. I am so incredibly humbled by what has happened to me and I still wake up every morning feeling incredibly grateful and in disbelieve.
You waited patiently for years for a miracle to happen, and would give anything to have a little life growing inside you - and to feel you are just as normal as the neighbours next door who said they wanted to conceive a baby by July and did - almost without effort.
Then the miracle happened. Or rather - like I used to say to girlfriends who are trying for a baby too - my number came up.
And then with every waking hour you spent checking for bleeding and assessing stomach twinges. Even during night time. When I wake up from my restless sleep I feel I need to wipe myself just to check. It's crazy.
It is so insane that yesterday, because I drank a little too much water in the morning, I ended up peeing every 10 minute or so. Plus these days the bladder doesn't work as well as it used to - it takes up to three or more trips to the toilet just to empty my bladder. So obviously I spent a little too much time wiping.
Then the next wipe I see faint spots of blood.
I shit myself. I couldn't breathe. I stopped doing everything. I took a shower and went to bed straight away. Apeman came home from hunting (he doesn't hunt for real, but he goes off and do things like move furniture for mates or bricks or what not all the time), and asked what's wrong babe.
`I think I am bleeding oh fuck.'
`Just calm yourself down, it will be okay.'
Then suddenly I realise I have been suppressing a light stinging sensation in my nether regions. I checked again. The bleeding came from the skin because I was WIPING MYSELF SO FREAKING MUCH!
You dopehead. I said to myself.
Just sleep because you are stressing yourself out and the baby. Just sleep.
And I did.
I confided in my sister-in-law about my pregnancy a few days ago, she had three kids and I figured I need to speak to somebody who had children more recent than my mom. She told me to relax, think happy thoughts for the baby. I said some days I really am happy - I think nursery, baby blues and pinks, I think about finally being able to hold my baby for the first time and kissing the baby multiple times on the cheek just like I do with Apeman when I am feeling lovable. Then there are the dark days - when I am feeling down and pessimistic. Sister in law reckons its the hormones - she said it often fluctuates and you can have very extreme moods.
I put it down to the hang-ups of being an infertile for so many years. I recently realise that my mother in law no longer talks to me about children (if somebody in the family has fallen pregnant, she tells everyone else but me). She won't even let me hold on to Apeman's niece's hand when we are out on the street - I don't know if she is being possessive of the child or maybe she thinks I must be some sort of anti-christ feminist who couldn't fall pregnant like everyone else in the family so all children must stay away from Aunty Drew. (She doesn't know about our pregnancy yet). And not just my mother in law - some friends are like that too.
I have to laugh - thinking that a couple of weeks ago I was asked by the sweet nurses from the fertility centre (who, bless them, circled me like I am the most popular girl in school), asked me if I have chosen an obs doctor yet and have I decided which hospital to give birth in. I stared at them blankly and said, `Really?'. It almost feel like they are talking to somebody behind me rather than me.
Okay - now that I have dumped all my hang-ups here, I feel much better.
Apart from this bonus of having a baby in my belly finally, I am also pleased to say I have also been blessed with a great set of boobs. Definitely an upgrade from my usual A-cup variety.