Monday, September 11, 2006

Hang-Ups

I hope this doesn't read like one of those ungrateful, self-absorbed, smug-pregnant post. That is not my intention and I am never that type of girl. I am so incredibly humbled by what has happened to me and I still wake up every morning feeling incredibly grateful and in disbelieve.

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You waited patiently for years for a miracle to happen, and would give anything to have a little life growing inside you - and to feel you are just as normal as the neighbours next door who said they wanted to conceive a baby by July and did - almost without effort.

Then the miracle happened. Or rather - like I used to say to girlfriends who are trying for a baby too - my number came up.

And then with every waking hour you spent checking for bleeding and assessing stomach twinges. Even during night time. When I wake up from my restless sleep I feel I need to wipe myself just to check. It's crazy.

It is so insane that yesterday, because I drank a little too much water in the morning, I ended up peeing every 10 minute or so. Plus these days the bladder doesn't work as well as it used to - it takes up to three or more trips to the toilet just to empty my bladder. So obviously I spent a little too much time wiping.

Then the next wipe I see faint spots of blood.

I shit myself. I couldn't breathe. I stopped doing everything. I took a shower and went to bed straight away. Apeman came home from hunting (he doesn't hunt for real, but he goes off and do things like move furniture for mates or bricks or what not all the time), and asked what's wrong babe.

`I think I am bleeding oh fuck.'

`Just calm yourself down, it will be okay.'

Then suddenly I realise I have been suppressing a light stinging sensation in my nether regions. I checked again. The bleeding came from the skin because I was WIPING MYSELF SO FREAKING MUCH!

You dopehead. I said to myself.

Just sleep because you are stressing yourself out and the baby. Just sleep.

And I did.

I confided in my sister-in-law about my pregnancy a few days ago, she had three kids and I figured I need to speak to somebody who had children more recent than my mom. She told me to relax, think happy thoughts for the baby. I said some days I really am happy - I think nursery, baby blues and pinks, I think about finally being able to hold my baby for the first time and kissing the baby multiple times on the cheek just like I do with Apeman when I am feeling lovable. Then there are the dark days - when I am feeling down and pessimistic. Sister in law reckons its the hormones - she said it often fluctuates and you can have very extreme moods.

I put it down to the hang-ups of being an infertile for so many years. I recently realise that my mother in law no longer talks to me about children (if somebody in the family has fallen pregnant, she tells everyone else but me). She won't even let me hold on to Apeman's niece's hand when we are out on the street - I don't know if she is being possessive of the child or maybe she thinks I must be some sort of anti-christ feminist who couldn't fall pregnant like everyone else in the family so all children must stay away from Aunty Drew. (She doesn't know about our pregnancy yet). And not just my mother in law - some friends are like that too.

I have to laugh - thinking that a couple of weeks ago I was asked by the sweet nurses from the fertility centre (who, bless them, circled me like I am the most popular girl in school), asked me if I have chosen an obs doctor yet and have I decided which hospital to give birth in. I stared at them blankly and said, `Really?'. It almost feel like they are talking to somebody behind me rather than me.

Okay - now that I have dumped all my hang-ups here, I feel much better.

Apart from this bonus of having a baby in my belly finally, I am also pleased to say I have also been blessed with a great set of boobs. Definitely an upgrade from my usual A-cup variety.

11 comments:

ninaB said...

Oh my god Drew. Oh my god.
I haven't checked here for a little while and ....oh my god.
So so happy for you. After all the crap you've been through, you deserve to be the urban legend success story.
It has been 10 weeks!!!
Please please provide more details.
Was it really just the relaxing?

Drew said...

Hi Nina
Thanks. I am still petrified. I know people keep telling me to relax about the pregnancy but with my track record it is difficult to relax. :(
I honestly don't know how it happened - it is a bit cliche but we DID go on a holiday, and I did enjoy sex for the first time in ages - probably because it was holiday sex. I hate to be the one to tell you that relaxation is the trick because it is so cliche... I wish for much success for you too Nina - and just want to say us endo girls do get pregnant just like everyone else - don't read too much into the outcome of your negative cycles so far (I used to count my ttc years and cycles undertook, but I lost track of it) - and it definitely helps to ttc naturally for a while because most importantly it gives the soul a break. I will be thinking of you and look forward to hearing good news from you soon.

Ova Girl said...

OOER! Drew, congratulations! I am thrilled to read your news. Much cheering for you and Apeman. I know exactly what you mean with the disbelief and the fear and the unreality of it all but try and enjoy yourself as well, it is a wonderful time (ok except the puking, the unable to sleep-ness later on and of course the dreaded constipation)...god I sound like some friend of my mothers - i'm really happy for you drew, it's wonderful news. And from having sex you say? Very unusual (!)

Mony said...

Drew.
Drew.
Drew!!!!!!!!!
I am sitting here with my fucking jaw resting on the keyboard. Like Nina, I haven't been here for a while (because you disappeared!) and I saw you commented on my blog...I'm thinking "Drew? is that Drew-Drew?" I followed the link and sure enough it's YOU! And you're Fucking Pregnant! I can't believe I missed this tremendous news! Oh My God! Darling I am beyond thrilled & excited & happy. You are one of my favourite sisters & your harrowing years of infertility have finally turned a corner. Bless you Babe! I will be back regularly to check & CONGRATULATIONS! Never was there a more deserving lady. I'm going to play the drums LOUD in your honour. Fuck the neighbours!

soralis said...

I am just catching up! CONGRATS! Hope everything goes very smoothly for you! PG after IF is not as much fun as it should be so hang int there it will get better!

Take care

Heather said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I think that is another joy of being an infertile - once you do get pregnant, you still can't enjoy it. That isn't fair. You should be jumping up and down and screaming from rooftops with joy! I'm so happy for you!!!

Sunnie said...

:) I *heart* you...Enjoy your pregnancy.

Thalia said...

It's a lovely post, I don't know why you had to put the disclaimer up front. Of course it's scary. But sweetie, the woods are nearly behind you now.

Just another Jenny said...

Holy Shit Drew, I had stopped visiting regular because I hadn't seen a post in a while. Congratulations! That sounds like the best surprise ever. All the best!

LabiaLady said...

Congrats on the pregnancy news!

I can relate re: the constant wiping. I hope you have lush, soft toilet paper!

Can't relate re: boobs - I went from "D" cup to "G"-fuckingnormous

Meri-ann said...

Oh wow- I have just caught up on your blog and read your awesome news- congratulations! I am so happy for you both.... x