Back Again

Firstly, thanks to those who read my previous post and offered the comforting words - you ladies are amazing.

Life goes on - I had a watery period to start with on Day 12, and smack bang exactly 14 days after ovulation I rained period last night - I got the cramping, the heavy period and the shitty mood to go with it. It really is not fucking fair and I really don't know what the fuck to do next.

Interestingly, I still remember when Big Brother was first introduced into Australia. I probably was already one or two years into my pregnancy quest - I remembered back then I was glad to have something to occupy my dim mind - watching Big Brother can sometimes make me forget about all my problems. Roll on a few years later, Big Brother 2005 - I am still here, watching the same old bunch of people frolicking in the nude and the boys talking about how big their penises are and how much sex they've had since they were 13. Excellent.

What makes me so worried and lost my cool this time? Because I've worked out the following:

1) I can ovulate normally, estrogen is nice and high, have a good LH surge and therefore a good ovulation, excellent progesterone levels. But my lining breaks down on Day 12 - Day 14 and that will be the end of baby dream. No questions asked.

2) I tried the IVF and all the fruits that went with it - egg quality is good, sperm good (thanks to Babe's super-sperm), embryos are good, in all cycles they all reach 7-8 cells by Day 3, our embryos have more than 90% efficiency in turning into compacting blastocysts. Lining is good (thicker than the normal requirements). Had some basic antibody tests carried out - all `normal'. Hell, I know the IVF terminology better than some of the nurses in my clinic.

3) I tried Clomid, did them in various dosages (50mg - 250mg) and I only respond occasionally so my doctor stopped using it on me. I tried FSH injections - not good because I produce too many small follicles instead of a few big ones. So I am `better off' with IVF.

4) I tried having sex like normal people. I tried having sex and go to the toilet straight after and not worry about the sperm leaking out. I tried lying on my back with legs up for an hour at least.

5) I prayed, I meditated, I went to different places of worship and asked for the divine help, I did the Chinese herbs, I saw lots of naturopaths and went on a $600 a month herb regime, I did the acupunture, I did the massages, I did Bowen and had voice healings, I have experienced Reiki (which I will continue to do), I did the angry phase and was angry with everything, I went through the calm phase (my current regime) and forgive everybody in the world. I have experienced three doctors - two of whom said sorry to me and said I am going to have to move on to a `higher up' doctor. I gave my ovary away because I want to have the best chance in the world to make a baby. And as a result of IVF I have accumulated alot of adhesions which fucks up my bowels and bladder.

And above all I am definitely not going to give up, not that easily. It just makes me so fucking mad that I have been dancing around like a supermarket IVF monkey and doing everything they say I should, and as soon as it's over again, nobody in my clinic offered any sound advice with the exception of telling me to wait for my period to end and start again - that my chances are going to be better next time.

If there is anything I have missed and should be trying, anything at all, I will do it. I am not one of those women who winces and cries when it hurts. Nothing bothers me and if my doctor says tomorrow I have to do egg collection awake I will do it - if it means it offers a tiny bit of hope. I don't know what to do with myself - I was feeling okay yesterday and today I think I am mental again.

Fuckity Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Fucking Period Is Here - Again

It's all over again.

I had this tune playing over and over again in my head all morning – it’s `I’ve started a joke’ by the Bee Gees.

“I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me."

The problem is I didn’t start the joke on myself – it just happened to me and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I just want to go home and crawl into my doona cover and cry – but I can’t and won’t let myself – because I want to be normal. I don’t want to quit my job once again because I have conceiving problems or is depressed – and I don’t want to once again sit at home and watch my life goes by, or haunt my local shopping centre only to be surrounded by expectant mothers. I just want to keep my job – exhibit the minimal requirements to sustain a living – and then hope and pray that something good will happen to me.

I am just tired. Tired of the routine, the excitement of an ovulation/embryo transfer, the long two week wait, and then the disappointment. I just feel really lacklustre, lifeless, insipid, gloomy….all the words you can find in your ordinary English thesaurus.

If there are any days in which I have difficulty dealing with immediate family, pregnant women, cute babies, affectionate children, little Chinese girls who looks like she can be my daughter, teenage mothers, celebrity teenage mothers (for fuck’s sake, Bec Cartwright is going to keep an ongoing pregnancy diary in Woman’s Day – what more can a pregnant celebrity who is currently dating a multi-millionaire ask for?), and Demi Moore having her 5th child at 42 and is going to pose nude again in her pregnancy glory with her Toy Boy….today is the day.

On a lighter note - my American Pen Pal Vickie has given birth to her twin boys - they are beautiful, perfect, handsome little IVF boys. I cried when I saw the photos. How I wish to have beautiful little babies to resemble my husband. To give life and to hold. To love and be loved.

Excellent. My highlight of the day is to go to the local supermarket and stock up on tampons. I don't even know if I can make it through the day from the way I am going at the moment.

The Price of Life

Right now I have the worse fucking headache you can imagine.

Last Saturday it was sunny and I was feeling upbeat - so I drove to RSPCA for a visit. I would love to adopt another dog (to fulfill my need to nurture and love), but I already have two - plus I have a small house so it won't be fair on my furry friends. Anyway what happened was I was there by myself - getting really emotional seeing these locked up animals - and completely lost it (not wailing, but sobbing like a mental woman). Fortunately, nobody saw me (or so it seems)... I kind on leaned towards the cages and sobbed quietly.

So that's where I get my infertility therapies/counselling from - the RSPCA.

It makes me rethink about my `situation' - I need to remind myself I don't need to have a baby to make me happy - it is not the be-all and end-all in my life because there are many other ways to be loved and give love. I still would very much like to give birth to my own genetically linked child - but if that doesn't happen we will just have to live with it and enjoy the other aspects of life.

Oh and if I ever find that man who a few weeks ago tied his dog to the back of his car and dragged the poor dog 15 metres at 70km/h (until his little paws were all rubbed off), I swear I will wring him by the balls and drag him around with my 4WD - see how much he likes it.

I am Day 26 into my cycle, which means the period is coming in the next two days - I am already cramping. So whatever, just bring it on. I am just sick and tired of getting all excited over an ovulation, get blood tests everyday to check my LH surge, then get my period in exactly 13 days past ovulation.

Next cycle I am not going to bother with the blood test. Am going to rely on my instinct, some carefully charted basal temperatures and the supermarket ovulation tests.

Maybe Babeee

This sucks. I was doing alright on the `I don't need to have a baby to make me happy' wagon, then I went and borrowed the `Maybe Baby' movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206926/

I was doing okay during most of the movie - very typical IVF story with the doctor's room stories, the sperm tests, the ovulation tests, the friggin jabs, the "let's not bother her with this, she's on hormone injections so she is a little irrational", the timed intercourse, the legs up after sex, the vaginal probing with a young medical student in attendence...etc. Then it cut to the scene in which she discovered her period after the two week wait (which I was fine with it), and then several dramatic events later, she made a reference to how her two embryos (whom she has names for) are now dead because she is having a period.

Then I just lost it and sobbed for quite a while. I think it was probably because I didn't cry over my 7th failed attempt - I have been saving my tears for this moment - because really I have lost a part of me and Babe - with or without names they are still a part of us. I've been saying that I feel really numb since my last few attempts. I `numb' myself by not analysing what is happening because it makes me feel better and like a normal person.

There was also one other scene in which the husband was sitting next to his (heavily sedated) wife whilst the doctor carried out the egg extraction. Then I remembered during my 7th attempt as I walked into the recovery room (to get ready for transfer) there was a woman there who just came out of egg collection, she was still hooked up to the drip and monitor so it looked pretty horrendus - I think it was the first time I was conscious enough to see what it is like to come out of an egg collection. It just looked painful. I feel sorry for my husband who has to watch me go in and out of surgery so many times. I told him I don't want to go through another surgery again.

And I am still waiting for that 3-inch scar below my bikini line to heal properly - it still looks pretty red so I haven't done any serious waxing in that area as yet, and the stitching wasn't the best so it looks like I have a small fold in the skin (like skippy). So I guess I cannot go through with the porn-star route as planned when I turn 35.

And sometimes, when I have an idle moment, I press deeply into my left pelvic region to see if there is any `space' left behind as a result of my ovary removal. It doesn't hurt - it is still a little tender but I think it is probably imaginary. Things I do to amuse myself at times.

I miss you Deirdre but not the problems you caused me.

The Taboo

Had a really busy week - sometimes I don't even know if all this stress and extra effort is worth it. I like my job but I also hate it.

Was invited to nice street party on the weekend (the grown-up type of course). My neigbours (the couple from across the road) are such lovely people - they cooked up a huge pot of soup to warm our frozen hands. Nothing beats a good old Aussie BBQ on a cold winter's night.

I have always known my neighbours are in the process of applying for adoption - but I never brought it up with them because I really don't know them too well. In fact I don't even want to talk about it. I always felt I am not at the `end of the road' yet. Hell, I am far from it. I still have energy and determination in me to keep fighting this shithouse road of IVF.

Not sure what my neighbours' background is - maybe it was infertility, maybe it's just plain goodness they have in them and realise that after a fruitful life journey together - they decided to adopt a child from China to share their life experiences (and beautiful house) with.

Since the party on saturday night my mind has been working overtime thinking about their situation (and thus mine).

That night, as I was standing next to the BBQ guarding my piece of burnt meat - I ended up talking to a lovely lady - she's so beautiful and lovely and it looked like she's got laughter (happiness) in her eyes. She and her husband ended up chatting for the rest of the night with me and Babe.

We found out they are actually adoption friends of our neighbours - whom in July, will be venturing together to China to hopefully pick up their bundles of joy. As the conversation grew - another couple joined in with their adopted chinese daughter. It was difficult for me to hold back my tears looking at the face of this little girl. She could be my daughter.

Our new friends is a couple who have been married for 10 years, tried to conceive for 8 years. And after rounds of IVF cycles and surgeries, they have finally decided to call it quits and move on. I asked - how many cycles did you complete (they actually used the same clinic as I do - which makes it even closer to home for me), she said 5. I thought to myself - oh my god - I had 7 and still going?? Am I supposed to throw in the towel now?

But as she explained it - for them, it was too much money spent on wasted cycles (agreed), when they could've spent that money on adoption and on their new child (agreed), and every IVF journey comes with more than a monetry price - it comes with un-ending surgeries as well (fuck-oath). She used to be sad like me - but she decided that with adoption at least there is going to be a baby in the end waiting for you - unlike this darn IVF. She is tired of hearing the reassurance that `it will happen one day, only if you relax' or `The more times you do it (IVF), the closer you are to getting pregnant'. The next person who uses these two lines on me is either going to get their heads smashed in, or a long lecture on the success and failure of IVF and the joys of vaginal probing when you have over 15 eggs growing on your ovaries plus a nurtured ovarian cyst to the approximate dimensions of 14cm - depending on what mood I'm in.

I became teary (happy tears) when I started to hear her happy stories about preparing cribs, slings, prams, decorating the baby room....everything which is denied to me to date. I was happy just to see the joy in their eyes. I told them I just want to be happy. I cannot remember when was the last time I was trully happy. I have this massive need to nurture and to watch a child grow. I want to give this child the best opportunity in life, and everything me and Babe can afford.

In the end we all agree that I will have to work through the adoption process myself. I have to be mentally ready for it. I need to put in clear in my head that it is not necessary to have a genetically correct child of me and Babe's, as long as the child calls me mommy and Babe daddy that's is more than enough for us.

So to my new friends - I wish you all the best of luck with the adoption in July and may you find all the happiness in the world in your children who is so fortunate to be a part of such loving families.

In the mean time - I will ask myself how much more can I take and maybe start thinking about allocating an end date for this IVF ride.

Fully Sic, Wicked Sticks

The title has nothing whatever to do with today's blog. My mind is quite blank at the moment after coming out of an all day meeting. I was in a room with 8 men and we talked about compressors all day. I must have been stressed because during the meeting I discovered a massive lump on the side of my neck. I don't know what it is - I was told (by one of the 8 men) that it is a neck muscle. I am going to get a second (medical) opinion tomorrow afternoon by a certified practioner.

Next time, if I try to graph anything or make any predictions about my bodily functions - I will have to physically restrain myself, because it is likely to be fucking wrong. There is nothing normal about my body - it's a cosmic mystery.

Because I was running late yesterday, I figured it was okay to miss yesterday's blood test thinking it will be another few days before ovulation occurs. Well, so far the estrogen has been climbing linearly - a dead straight line. So it is quite possible that this was the case.

So this morning I actually made an effort to get up early, and head down to the clinic to have my blood taken. The clinic was FULL OF WOMEN trying to conceive, they were patiently waiting for their turn for blood tests, injections and/or vaginal probing. It must be the season to (want) to fall pregnant.

So anyway - here's my story:

Day 9 - E2 = 370
Day 11 - E2 = 500
Day 12 - E2 = 630
Day 13 - E2 = Shitty late - no results
Day 14 - E2 = 1400 (LH = 24) (there goes my graph)

I was quite surprised to hear 1400 - I thought I heard wrong over the phone - I can't believe I am making my own estrogen. It's a miracle. Thank you God for small favours.

So yeah, I am supposed to have a bonk tonight / tomorrow night. We will try that. Not that it had worked for us in the past but I need to keep the faith and seize this magical opportunity.

I told my girlfriend V that I am abandoning the IVF ride for a little while and try naturally. She said what's naturally Drew??

You know what, I don't even know anymore. As long as there are only me and Babe in the room that's what I refer to as natural. But in a way it isn't because my doctor, my coordinator and my blood nurse knows we are playing hide the salami tonight - so that's not really natural is it??

Making Egg

Just had a massive weekend spent with Babe's family and relatives. It all went well uneventfully - to a certain extent. Of course I got the usual bugging of `Oh when you you going to have kids? You've been married for quite a few years now.'

Yes, we have been married for five years now.

No, we haven't had any kids yet.

Yes, we have been trying and bonking like mad as you have suggested to us in the past.

And yes, I thoroughly enjoy anal sex so that's all we do - day in day out.

So therefore, no, we don't have kids yet.

It wasn't fun when a few of Babe's aunties keep staring at my stomach (flat) throughout the entire time they were talking to me. As if they are trying to guess if I am popping one out yet. Or maybe Drew's already pregnant, oh wait, didn't she have that nasty operation a few years ago? Oh my god, she had some work done on her ovaries! Does that mean she can't have kids? Oh my god. SHE'S BARREN. Her poor husband.

And on that note, here's an estrogen update - it makes me really proud of Dianna.

Day 9 - E2 = 370
Day 11 E2 = 500 (and the nurse punished me by poking the needle into my muscle - I yelped)
Day 12 E2 = 630
Day 13 E2 = ?? (didn't get a chance to go in for blood test today as was running late and had an all day shitty meeting).

As an engineer it is my duty to graph the results, so I just did, and I expect my estrogen to be between 700 to 750 today.

So really by subjecting myself to a blood test today will be a waste of time as I expect to be told to keep going in daily until estrogen inclines towards 1000 and LH surges.

Must get up earlier tomorrow so I can go in for a poke.

I don't know what is driving me after all these years of injections, blood tests etc. I really don't know. But all I know is I can still do it. It doesn't faze me anymore.

I still remember the worst time was when I was on Clomid during my first year of treatment, my doctor ordered continual blood tests because my estrogen wasn't picking up due to lack of response in the ovaries. I ended up having 12 BLOOD TESTS in a row. The last few times I always come out crying and bruised and poked through. And in the end - no ovulation and the cycle was subsequently cancelled. All that blood for nothing. But never mind. Onwards and upwards.

Freakshow Artist of My Clinic

So off I went to my second blood test for this `natural' cycle. Whatever `natural' means these days.....

As if on cue, the moment I walked into the fertility clinic I got the `high'five' style hello greeting from the receptionist, then the coordinator walked out and call out my name and said hello how ya doing matey. I then proceeded to the counter to discuss with the receptionist (who's lurvely by the way) `a previous bill' for a `previous cycle' in which they over-charged me by a few hundred buckeroos. As the quiet sitting room audience listened in, the receptionist chatted to me like we were old friends. Then we talked about how I was never over-charged like this before, and maybe I will just call the accountant (who is also my friend) next week to discuss it and then settle the bill once and for all. And oh by the way how's *disguised* because I heard she's taken her daughters for overseas for the first time to visit her sick father? Oh bless, that's lovely.

Golden rule of thumb - don't get too familiarise with people in a fertility clinic, it is not good for the image of the clinic and not good for your own state of mind. But of course I don't mind, these days I try not to take anything too seriously. I need to have the occasional laugh.

The clinic just sent me a consent form for a fresh frozen embryo transfer cycle. I don't think so. I need a break this month. I think my doctor is also tired of seeing me in the meat room and wishing me `good luck' everytime he un-strap me from the stirrups after the transfer. It's becoming a routine.

During my talk with the IVF consultant some topics were brought up. Well, the statistics is this: It takes a bit of time but I always ended up making good eggs, Babe make good sperm, we make good embryos, embryos progress to Day 3 in good form, usually at least 7 to 8 cells, we've tried the Day 5 blastocyst transfer and my statistics is more than 80% (80% of fertilised eggs turned into blastocysts), progesterone levels are ALWAYS sky high even after the final blood test so sustaining a miracle conception is not an issue. So what is the problem?

Consultant suggest I should try pre-implantation embryo screening. I said what for? She said we can screen all the embryos to make sure we get the most genetically-correct embryo for transfer. This little test is going to set us back $2000 on top of all other costs. It's a big financial risk, also we may not have ANY embies left for transfer because the embryos may not survive the test.

But it doesn't really solve my problem does it? I may still be the problem. So what next?

Well, you can keep trying and trying until you succeed, or you can consider donor eggs.

*cue in tears*

But....but...I make good eggs! *cue in trembling lips*, I made good eggs in the past!!

Let's just continue to stay positive. I need some quiet time to have a think. In the mean time let's just try naturally.

Work Ethnics

I have a bizarre theory - synchronised toileting.

Due to my recent quest to be in the most fertile state in hope for a miracle conception – I started to drink lots of water, at least 1-litre of orange juice and stacks of powdered vitamins per day. I have a very small bladder – so small that in the past an ultrasound technician un-jokingly said oh my god you don’t have a bladder, even though a hour before I drowned myself with more than a litre of water to fill the bugger up.

Anyway in my office there is this unsmiling girl who can be marginally attractive if she makes an effort to smile, but she chose not to and will blankly stare at you even though it is the 1700th time you met on the hallway on the way to the kitchen or toilets. If I am unfortunate enough to bump into her in the toilets she will just give me this, how shall I put it…. an `accusing’ stare and then will promptly look away as if you are diseased. So anyway on this lovely Friday morning I had the pleasure to bump into her in the loo, I made an effort to smile (because it’s Friday) – and of course she just looked away. Half an hour later, and another cup of orange juice later, I went back to the toilets and there she was again! Total embarrassment on my face, and the same diseased look on hers.

Great. Now I am going to have to delay my next toilet visit so I don't have to bump into her again.
I woke up this morning with pains in my right ovary, it just feels lumpy. Yes...yes...Diana my darling, I think you are going to help us out this month and reward me with an ovulation. I am heading off for another blood test tomorrow to confirm if estrogen is rising appropriately.

Last night at the shops, I walked around like I do every other Thursday night, eyeing clothing, shoes and home appliances....and purchased a lovely sauce-pan for home improvement and a bottle of vitamins for my Babe. Yes, zinc and Vitamin D for good sperm that can swim for gold.

He wriggled his nose and said `I don't need vitamins to make super sperm'.
Drew `But babe you need this so we can both be in top shape if we are to try naturally.'
Babe `Ok then, I will take the vitamins and make super-super-sperm.'
Drew `Ok honey, you do that then.'

Sigh.....Men.

Estrogen Update

Went to clinic today to tell them how sick and tired I am to keep getting bills for negative cycles as soon as I get my period. How friggin insensitive is that?

Nah actually I was there to discuss options - more on that tomorrow.

Whilst I was there, I figured it's time to put some holes in my arms so I went for a blood test. Fortunately, and thank GOD for small favours, it didn't hurt and the magic nurse poked my vein with first attempt.

Just got my blood test results. Estrogen is 370 today. Normally if I still have Deirdre (left ovary) around, it will mean the bugger is growing cyst again, and estrogen will stay between 200 to 350 for at least two weeks before my body starts thinking about having a bleed.

But now that Deirdre is gone and resting in peace, with E2 = 370 means it is quite normal for a Day 9 result. Which means I may be ovulating this cycle. Oh my God, it's a miracle. I feel nice even typing that word - OVULATION. For some girls it is as easy as chewing gum, for me, once upon a time, having a natural ovulation is like a solar eclipse or equivalent to growing a third nipple.

I am going to name my right ovary Dianna. Dianna sounds like a powerful enough name. She's gonna be a trooper and pull me through this mess.

Shitty Weekend Ahead

Great.

Was advised by Babe that I have two family dinners to attend. The first one is my father in law's birthday dinner, which is actually not so bad. But seeing my mother in law doing back-flips over the my sister in law's new born baby is quite nauseating. But bearable. I may sound jealous, but trust me, I'm not.

Then on Sunday night I have the big family hug-meet party - extended relatives from overseas are here to visit the family. Basically one of Babe's cousin married another cousin several years ago, so the female cousin's family (from the U.S.) are here for a visit....the cousins had been trying mad for a baby for years, and only recently got lucky - with twins. The rumour is IVF. But of course nobody within the family circle of trust says pip about it - like it is a big TABOO. Everyone reckons it is a natural conception. People just don't suddenly have twins after a 7 year gap.

I may sound resentful and mean - but I have my reasons.

Everybody in Babe's family are extremely fertile, they literally fall pregnant on their wedding night and from then on, kids just keeps popping out. Everytime I'm at a family dinner their conversations always revolve around why I haven't fallen pregnant yet. The rudest moment was when one of the cousin-in-laws came up to me and tell me (honestly) that everyone in the family are wondering why we are still childless, is it because we don't like children? She literally sucked in her breath as I ALMOST start to talk about my sad IVF journey...but I stopped aruptly because I know she will race back to the rest of family and tell them about my `bizarre freak-show' story. For fuck's sake.

I always tell them, oh yes, we love children, but we are not ready yet.

Oh but why? Having children is luuuuuurvely, oh they are just so cute and completes you.

Oh I know, but I also have to work and...

Oh you must try for a baby as soon as you go home...it's wonderful. The experience gives you so much joy.

Oh just fuck off. (I said that in my head of course).

So that's what I have to look forward to this Sunday - the smug-married-and-with-kids who thinks not breeding is abnormal. Don't get me wrong - I don't get upset walking into baby shops, maybe I will get a little bothered by pregnant moms - but I am honestly okay coping with day to day life. But its times like these and ignorant people that can royally fucks up my lunch (and dinner).

Paris Hilton is Pregnant

As I stuffed myself during the lunch hour with protein and a LARGE caffinated tea drink in full self-destruction mode, I came across the latest goss magazine showing Paris Hilton in her full pregnancy glory.

Oh my God.

She's apparently due in December (thus making her three months pregnant?). Oh she looked good.

My God I can understand (to a certain extent) Britney Spears wanting to be a mom - she was always going on about how she wants to be married and start a family, that's fair enough - but Paris Hilton!? Holy Shit.

Satay Sticks and Wontons

As a part of my self-improvement regime - I went to a new cooking class and learnt how to make Satay chicken sticks, steamed wontons, and a pastry dessert. The food was great but I only wish for them to put on more food so I can really `taste' the food. Babe loves me. He thinks I am now an ace cook so he doesn't have to put up with shitty home-cook meals, fast food meals and meals on wheels (drive-thru) anymore.

Was chatting to a friend of mine who had at least 13 IVF transfers. She recently had her remaining tube removed - it was one of those dang hydrosalphinx (liquid filled tube). I used to have one of those, but it was removed earlier this year together with my left ovary Deirdre. Poor Deirdre, she looked like a lump of cut-up meat from some of my holiday snaps (laproscopy). I hope she rest in peace. The first thing I asked my doctor as soon as I regain consiousness was where is my ovary? He said, `It's in a bowl somewhere in the theatre'. Lovely.

Anyway my friend was convinced by her GP that by removing her hydrosalphinx she will have a much better chance next time. In fact just one of his patients recently got lucky as soon as her `bottle-neck' was removed!!! I hope so - I really hope so. I am also waiting for my turn. I also have been lining up for a baby for years now. For my sake and my friend's sake, I hope we both fall pregnant soon and can move on to more interesting and uplifting topics about babies.

Am going to go home tonight and give my smelly dog a big hug.

A Little Bit of Negativity Today

I just found out my brother in law and sister in law left their three kids (6,4,3) at my parent-in-laws place for `child-minding' most of the long weekend whilst they had some `alone-time'. Whilst the other sister in law left her baby with my in-laws and went `shopping' even though my mother in law minds the baby for her full time during the week. Imagine that - four kids under the age of 10 and stuck in a house with no where to go.

Why is it when people who don't want to be parents are parents, whereas people who will give their pancreas to be a parent and try so fucking hard to, simply just can't??

Right - enough of that. Have to get back to my positive train of thoughts.

The Long Weekend ... and some Reiki

Thank god for the Foundation Day off.

I bought some peace on the weekend - I had Reiki and I friggin ruined it by going shopping straight after. I was absolutely drained by the end of the day.

I drove for one hour to a small town to get my Reiki treatment. It was absolute bliss - both the Reiki, full body massage and the trip there....beautiful country side views, fresh air, drizzling rain, great driving music by George. Tammy was absolutely fantastic. And I had the most bizzare experience which made me believe in holistic powers.

To start off with, I was not as sceptical as I thought I will be. I actually believed I will go home a changed person and let all be healed. When the treatment was finished, my entire left side of the body (from head to toe) tingled...well..it is more like I was COLD - and strangely - only on the left side of the body only. They say Reiki is a powerful energy which travels to the part of your body that needs healing...and so it seems my left side needs some serious healing. And coincidentally, I have suffered some major trauma to my left side this year as a result of endometriosis and a 14-cm bastard of an ovarian cyst.

I BELIEVE.

Then something else weird happened during the treatment. I drifted out of consiousness for maybe two seconds - I was in the same meditative state I used to experience when I was practising meditation seriously a few years ago - but I definitely wasn't asleep. I saw a soldier....the soldier looked tired. Then I saw a close-up of his boots. They looked well worn. Then I saw the soldier again, he was definitely resting - not sure if he was taking a nap - but he was definitely taking a break from his war duties.

Tammy said he was either in my past life, or maybe I am seeing myself in the state I am currently in at the moment. It was very eerie. It was my calling to take things easily and accept my lessons learnt.

So whatever it was - I BELIEVE. I know it is time for me to step back from IVF and take a break. I am really tired as well.

Life Begins Again

I was feeling alot better yesterday.

My period came in full force starting the day before, and it continued to plague me today. This is the worse part of the IVF cycle - the period. Because you know it contains fragment of the embyros.

The second time IVF failed for me, I had a chemical pregnancy. So some pregnancy hormone was detected but it was so low it was not meant to be. So they tell me to go home and wait for the bleeding to finish. Anyway I was in the shower the day after they told me no pregnancy hormone can be detected anymore, and suddenly I was hit with his massive pain in the pelvic region. It was so painful I had to crouch down and couldn't even cry out in pain. Then the grossest, worst part happened - a huge blob of blood clot/tissue came out. I didn't know what it was - so I did a close inspection and saw a tiny dot of white egg-white-like mass attached to the centre of the blood clot. I just went mental. I think it was the embryo embedded there. I think.

Then the tears didn't stop for another three more days. I just kept crying. I cried for my little 5 cell embryo who continued to grow in me and implanted, I cried for what could've been. I hated life and I hated everybody - mostly I hated myself. I hated myself because I was a failure and I let my embryo down.

Anyway fast forward another two years later, here I am - still here, still barren. I think I am still going strong and I am definitely going to continue to fight for a miracle.

My sister in law (who is not the nicest person around) had a dig at me last night - she knows I am trying hard to conceive. She mentioned, gee, everybody in her company are pregnant, they are all fat in the belly and are already making plans taking at least one year off maternity leave...blah blah. Gee what's with the city lately? Everybody is falling pregnant.

Yes except for me.

Hi baby - sorry I am being pessimistic today - but thought I will have a whinge here, better do it here than go home to your daddy and do it to him. The poor sod must have enough from me already!

A letter to my unborn child

Hello baby, wherever you are,

I think I better start talking to you - because I really need to be positive so I can finally see you.

I always think of the day when I will be lying on a surgery table, and finally seeing you - and holding you in my arms. You will have thick mop of black air like your mommy and daddy, and big eyes - just like us. I used to have lots of hair as a baby you know - so hopefully you be equally blessed and look more like me. Well, your daddy is not too bad looking but if you're a girl - I hope you look like me, but have eyelashes like your daddy.

And when I see you I will cry, the tears I cry will be tears of happiness because there will be so much happiness around us, and to know you are finally safe in my arms.

Last night, after a turbulent few days finishing off another dud IVF cycle, I was lying in bed, suddenly I realise I was crying. I was crying because I yearn so much to have you in my arms. I promise I will not complain about sleepless nights, soiled nappies, early starts....never ever. I used to think as soon as I have you, I will give it a couple of months, then I will return to work as a career woman like I am now. But after my experiences the last few years, I realise what is more important, and trust me, with your arrival everything else will become secondary. Mommy and daddy will dedicate ourselves to your upbringing and make sure you have the best of everything we can afford.

Your daddy is building a new house for us. There is going to be a nice nursery - honey you even get to have your own choice of rooms. I am going to decorate your nursery in a nice bright yellow colours with lots of wall cartoon pictures. I have already bought you a cute little hat with little bear ears, and a little pink dress (if you're a girl of course), and a soft yellow romper. I will try and build on that collection so when you are finally here, mommy promise you will be the best dressed baby in this side of the town!!

I look forward to see your face - I dreamt about you a few times, but have never been able to catch a glimpse of your face. Mentally I have a picture of you - I am so sure I can see your eyes already.

I love you and sleep tight for now.

Lv, Mommy Drew