Monday, June 20, 2005

The Taboo

Had a really busy week - sometimes I don't even know if all this stress and extra effort is worth it. I like my job but I also hate it.

Was invited to nice street party on the weekend (the grown-up type of course). My neigbours (the couple from across the road) are such lovely people - they cooked up a huge pot of soup to warm our frozen hands. Nothing beats a good old Aussie BBQ on a cold winter's night.

I have always known my neighbours are in the process of applying for adoption - but I never brought it up with them because I really don't know them too well. In fact I don't even want to talk about it. I always felt I am not at the `end of the road' yet. Hell, I am far from it. I still have energy and determination in me to keep fighting this shithouse road of IVF.

Not sure what my neighbours' background is - maybe it was infertility, maybe it's just plain goodness they have in them and realise that after a fruitful life journey together - they decided to adopt a child from China to share their life experiences (and beautiful house) with.

Since the party on saturday night my mind has been working overtime thinking about their situation (and thus mine).

That night, as I was standing next to the BBQ guarding my piece of burnt meat - I ended up talking to a lovely lady - she's so beautiful and lovely and it looked like she's got laughter (happiness) in her eyes. She and her husband ended up chatting for the rest of the night with me and Babe.

We found out they are actually adoption friends of our neighbours - whom in July, will be venturing together to China to hopefully pick up their bundles of joy. As the conversation grew - another couple joined in with their adopted chinese daughter. It was difficult for me to hold back my tears looking at the face of this little girl. She could be my daughter.

Our new friends is a couple who have been married for 10 years, tried to conceive for 8 years. And after rounds of IVF cycles and surgeries, they have finally decided to call it quits and move on. I asked - how many cycles did you complete (they actually used the same clinic as I do - which makes it even closer to home for me), she said 5. I thought to myself - oh my god - I had 7 and still going?? Am I supposed to throw in the towel now?

But as she explained it - for them, it was too much money spent on wasted cycles (agreed), when they could've spent that money on adoption and on their new child (agreed), and every IVF journey comes with more than a monetry price - it comes with un-ending surgeries as well (fuck-oath). She used to be sad like me - but she decided that with adoption at least there is going to be a baby in the end waiting for you - unlike this darn IVF. She is tired of hearing the reassurance that `it will happen one day, only if you relax' or `The more times you do it (IVF), the closer you are to getting pregnant'. The next person who uses these two lines on me is either going to get their heads smashed in, or a long lecture on the success and failure of IVF and the joys of vaginal probing when you have over 15 eggs growing on your ovaries plus a nurtured ovarian cyst to the approximate dimensions of 14cm - depending on what mood I'm in.

I became teary (happy tears) when I started to hear her happy stories about preparing cribs, slings, prams, decorating the baby room....everything which is denied to me to date. I was happy just to see the joy in their eyes. I told them I just want to be happy. I cannot remember when was the last time I was trully happy. I have this massive need to nurture and to watch a child grow. I want to give this child the best opportunity in life, and everything me and Babe can afford.

In the end we all agree that I will have to work through the adoption process myself. I have to be mentally ready for it. I need to put in clear in my head that it is not necessary to have a genetically correct child of me and Babe's, as long as the child calls me mommy and Babe daddy that's is more than enough for us.

So to my new friends - I wish you all the best of luck with the adoption in July and may you find all the happiness in the world in your children who is so fortunate to be a part of such loving families.

In the mean time - I will ask myself how much more can I take and maybe start thinking about allocating an end date for this IVF ride.


Kath said...

I am not going to tell you to keep plodding along with IVF as i am hardly a poster child of success. But I do want to say that deciding on when to move on is not a matter of how many failed IVFs, its about how much more you can take before the effort of adopting is less than the effort to battle with cycles.

For me, after 10 failed cycles I attended the adoption seminars and felt that I still had it in me to keep going with IVF. I wasnt ready to throw in the towel yet. Sure enough, the next cycle worked, but I can assure you it wasnt because I started the adoption process, and bang, got pregnant. Far from it.

I know that it would be a few years before I could move on. But for you will know when it is. It will be like waking up in the morning and knowing the right way.

I wish your neighbours lots of luck. They will be a great source of info and support for you if you decide to head down that road.

Drew said...

Thanks Kath

I think I have finished pondering over the adoption option since the weekend - I am still very comfortable with continuing on this process because I believe I am far from `giving up'. I don't think I have reached the end of the road yet - well, my doctor tells me so too. I am still youngish.

My bottom line is I don't want to undergo anymore surgeries to continually fuck up my innards (it's adhesion city inside), but yeah, IVF is still fine and although I say at times I cannot cope - I know I have it in me to continue on with the process.

I really look up to you and admire your courage - you are one brave woman who has a fantastic outlook in life - you and your baby deserve the very best.