Friday, June 03, 2005

Life Begins Again

I was feeling alot better yesterday.

My period came in full force starting the day before, and it continued to plague me today. This is the worse part of the IVF cycle - the period. Because you know it contains fragment of the embyros.

The second time IVF failed for me, I had a chemical pregnancy. So some pregnancy hormone was detected but it was so low it was not meant to be. So they tell me to go home and wait for the bleeding to finish. Anyway I was in the shower the day after they told me no pregnancy hormone can be detected anymore, and suddenly I was hit with his massive pain in the pelvic region. It was so painful I had to crouch down and couldn't even cry out in pain. Then the grossest, worst part happened - a huge blob of blood clot/tissue came out. I didn't know what it was - so I did a close inspection and saw a tiny dot of white egg-white-like mass attached to the centre of the blood clot. I just went mental. I think it was the embryo embedded there. I think.

Then the tears didn't stop for another three more days. I just kept crying. I cried for my little 5 cell embryo who continued to grow in me and implanted, I cried for what could've been. I hated life and I hated everybody - mostly I hated myself. I hated myself because I was a failure and I let my embryo down.

Anyway fast forward another two years later, here I am - still here, still barren. I think I am still going strong and I am definitely going to continue to fight for a miracle.

My sister in law (who is not the nicest person around) had a dig at me last night - she knows I am trying hard to conceive. She mentioned, gee, everybody in her company are pregnant, they are all fat in the belly and are already making plans taking at least one year off maternity leave...blah blah. Gee what's with the city lately? Everybody is falling pregnant.

Yes except for me.

Hi baby - sorry I am being pessimistic today - but thought I will have a whinge here, better do it here than go home to your daddy and do it to him. The poor sod must have enough from me already!

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