Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Sweet Penelope

That is the name I have given her. Penelope - a very pretty and sweet name, something Apeman doesn't seem to agree on but is happy for me to use it as a `for now' name. And I assume it is a girl - because a gift as precious as this will be another girl for me. The sweetness of holding a baby girl again. A gift. Beyond blessed.

Bleeding started up again yesterday so after much discussion with Apeman, we have decided to head down to the emergency department for some help. Bleeding at 8.5 weeks is very unsettling especially since the bleeding seems to have stopped the past week. Pelvic scan showed a very faint picture so the doctor went vaginal ultrasound-way.

The expression on the doctor's face is not one I am familiar with.

My little peanut has a very faint, if valid, heartbeart. You can hardly see it, which is unusal for an 8.5 week old foetus. And sadly, she only measures just under the size of a 6 week old foetus. And judging by the dates, if I am correct about the dates, everything looks bad. My little peanut just couldn't grow. She couldn't keep growing. She didn't grow in the past weeks when I am busily thinking about prams and new sleeping arrangements and small, tiny little newborn nappies. And my arms around two beautiful children.

My referral letter wrote `missed abortion'.

I had to call my good doctor immediately. He heard the numbers and organised for me to immediately head down to his rooms for a second scan. A few hours later, by the time I was on his examination table, my little peanut's heartbeat is gone.

I hardly even have time to digest her first pictures and she is gone.

I am to wait for another week, to see if my body will let Peanut go naturally, if not I am to have the option of a D&C. I was given a bunch of pregnancy loss pamphlets by the hospital to read. Including various methods of `letting go conception tissue'. A terrible, terrible use of words for me at this stage. Terrible.

I don't want you to go Penelope. I have a song for you. You will always be mine.

Sunday, August 17, 2008


It is still slowly sinking in - the idea of being pregnant again.

Never in my widest dreams - never in all of the many visions I've had, never.

Soon after my last post I found a wee bit of brown spotting, which grew to a red spotting over the next week. I still have a bit here and there, but as much as I would like to check all the time - who has the time to check for bleeding when you are running after a very cheeky and active 17 month old?

Went through the `normal' channels of getting pregnancy support - a local GP whom I have never seen before (my usual GP was unavailable at the time). He wrote me up bloodwork request for a 12 week scan. I reminded him that I am spotting so he chucked that bit of paperwork out, and re-wrote me two pieces of bloodtest request over a period of three days, to check for - get this - FULL BLOOD COUNT. Not E2, not HCG, not P4, but it is very important to check for full blood count this week - twice. So obviously I was a little surprised when I rang for results they told me they have no idea how pregnant I am, or why I am spotting. But my full blood count is good. So good that I am to do it again the next day.

Well - so much for dealing with this GP. I threw the other bit of paperwork out and rang my good doctor (OBS) - he sent me straight away to his fertility clinic and had the proper blood tests done.

HCG and P4 was ALOT lower than what I had with Poopee around the same time.

~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 4600, P4 = 37 (this time)
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 12,000, P4 = 70 (Poopee)

Today (a week later) - numbers have doubled nicely and looks like we might be able to keep this little one. First scan scheduled in two weeks time. I have no idea how pregnant I am, because HCG is not indicative of the pregnancy unless you have a scan to go with it - but roughly working the numbers out - this little one is due on the same day Poopee did. (But Poopee arrived at 38 weeks). Very, very bizarre.

Apeman is stoked, I am a little scared, a bit unprepared. Even Poopee can sense the new life inside of me - she reaches into my top and pinches the left nipple alot this week - as if to make claim of that nipple before her brother/sister gets a hold of it. Strange little things.

Saturday, August 09, 2008


Realised this morning my persistent chin/jaw acne has suddenly disappeared. I looked into the mirror and saw a clear faced Drew - but also a very tired, haggard looking Drew.

I thought - oh my God. I am pregnant.

We went out to the markets to buy fresh fruits and veges, then dropped by a pharmacy to pick up a 2-test pregnancy test kit. Went home - peed on some sticks.

Two lines.

My first words - WHAT THE FUCK!?!!! (Quite unlike our tears of joy with Poopee).

Fifteen minutes later - peed on another stick.

Two lines. Again. Very quickly.

I am pregnant.

I think about five to five and a half weeks? Maybe six?

I am in shock at the moment. Me and Apeman were wondering how can this second miracle happen when we only had sex once this month. I still remember it - during Jamie Oliver's show about bad eating - the one where a few bodies were dissected in front of the audience.

No idea what to do next at the moment as I am battling a bad virus (coughing, blocked nose, headache, fatigue) and looking after a sick Poopee.

Will see what happens next. I just,

just cannot believe this.

All those years of fertility treatment. I - we - feel very, very blessed.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

That same old loving feeling

Poopee's been sick with a nasty flu she caught from her cousins. Poor thing was coughing all night and has a pretty high temperature. Many times I wish it was me who has the cough and fever. Not my baby. :(

Poopee now 16 months. She had her first playgroup fight the other day with a boy a little bigger than her. She snatched something off him, he snatched it back from her, she chased him down and snatched it back. He tried to snatch it back and after much tugging and pulling they both fell on the floor. Cruelly I was in hysterics (with the other mothers in the playgroup!) because since knowing these babies from birth - we just witnessed our first FIGHT!

Walked past a newsagency and saw some hardcover children's books. I picked up a cute one about a little pig called Penelope. And just when I was about to leave and pay for the book, I saw a cheap one (for $5!) called A world of Baby Names. I flipped through it quickly and realise it was full of old medieval names like Anand and Hibah and Meade. I guess it is better than calling your little ray of sunshine Grass or Raindrops or Moonbeam. It was $5 so I bought it.

I am not trying for a baby. But Apeman is. So in between I guess we have some sort of try-not-try situation. My period has been eerily regular since I got it back earlier this year - it is a week late this month but I honestly think it is just around the corner. I am too scared to even do a test or think about babies (though that Baby Names book is not going to help). I am just happy with the way things are at the moment. Life is already good.

Will see what happens.