Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Against My Own Sane Will

In my own little geek world (ie. my engineering department), we have a team of four people. I am the only girl (whoopie to that - because this means I am the resident secretary, minute-taker, computer expert, gofer, relationship analyst and social planner), the other two guys are married and are in their mid thirties, and another guy who is probably the luckiest of us all because he is a bachelor in his fourties and has an amazing bachelor pad complete with a personally designed and self built pergola and a custom ordered telescope. Oh, and no fertility problems.

By accident, whilst chatting to one of the married guys a few weeks ago, I discovered about his fertility problems - and realise him and his wife had just undergone their first IVF treatment just a month before my PGD cycle. Unfortunately for them, the result was a negative.

He was one of the people I let in about my PGD cycle, and he was one of the first person to ask me how did it go.

So anyway - today, as in right now, he is waiting for the beta result of their second cycle. He is so excited about it that he took the day off so he can wait by the phone with his wife. He told me yesterday that he is very optimistic that this is going to work for them, and in three months time when his wife is three months into her pregnancy, they will most likely sell their current house and buy a slightly bigger house to welcome the new baby - and if they couldn't find anything decent to buy, he might just put an extension to the house to accomodate a nursery. Then it will be more kids for them soon after the first one is born because they don't want to wait.

It's all very good and well, except this morning I arrived at work feeling like shit. It's as if I am going through the whole 2 week wait and beta result again. I feel lousy because it seems everybody else is getting pregnant after undergoing between 1 to 5 cycles and I am still pathetically charging on to double digits in IVF cycles undertaken.

My painful day got worse because some irritating shithead keeps popping by my workstation to check out what I have on screen but pretend he wasn't really looking at my screen by generating some mindless conversation about microsoft word printing or some shit like that. And when I quickly minimise my webpage he giggled and said oh what were you looking at? Is there something you don't want to share? He he he. Show us show us.

Oh yes dickwit, its my blog on infertility about vaginal ultrasounds, heavy periods and passing of clots. You want to have a read?

If I am an alcoholic - this will be the day I break the spell and drink myself stupid.

But I will settle with a piece of black forrest cake. Just one piece.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Perky Perky

This morning, and just another day at my other office (a.k.a. fertility clinic), I was asked how I was feeling this lovely wet Monday (Mundane) morning.

Perky, feeling quite perky actually.

Really? What sort of word is that?

A new word – that’s what it is. I am feeling perky. I am feeling okay. Okay happy. Probably a word not appropriate for a place like this but it is better than `I’m feeling like crap because I can’t get pregnant.

  1. A list of things that makes me just a little more excited than usual:
    Weeding. Not the recreational drug kind but the actual acts of pulling weeds from the ground. I discovered this fine sport on the weekend because after reading the Dian Mills book – I realised in order to beat this endometriosis/fertility problem – I first need to look after myself and wind down. After much weeding and winding down I now have a lovely garden, a very relaxed state of mind this morning (despite the fact that I woke up with bad hair – like wearing a bad wig), and mighty sore thighs. Better than yoga methinks. My doggie thinks mommy has gone mad, he sat quietly and watched me wedding for hours.
  2. Fish and chips. Yes it was deep fried. Yes it’s bad for you because the oil they use is most definitely not cold pressed olive oil but 3 week old lard but hey, its fish – and fish has good oils in them so its good for you. Once in a wee while is okay. Yummy.
  3. Planning and packing for a holiday. The best part of a holiday is not the actual going part; it’s the part between packing and standing at the customs waiting for that immigration stamp on my passport. Apeman and I are two strange souls – we always hold hands and giggle like teenagers at the airport – for as long as I can remember.
  4. Trying on shoes. Enough said. I worn my Keds on the weekend and they gave me throbbing red ankles - but it’s totally worth it when I see the cute black flats on my feet with the little pink dots and a black bow on them.
  5. Ovulation. Not the drug induced ones –but au naturale. According to a scan this morning I have one coming up – accompanied by en entourage of 15 little cystic follicles. Ah….the joys of polycystic syndrome. If they can’t get you with one thing (i.e. endometriosis) they get you with another.

That’s enough for one week I think.

Perky Perky

This morning, and just another day at my other office (a.k.a. fertility clinic), I was asked how I was feeling this lovely wet Monday (Mundane) morning.

Perky, feeling quite perky actually.

Really? What sort of word is that?

A new word – that’s what it is. I am feeling perky. I am feeling okay. Okay happy. Probably a word not appropriate for a place like this but it is better than `I’m feeling like crap because I can’t get pregnant.

  1. A list of things that makes me just a little more excited than usual:
    Weeding. Not the recreational drug kind but the actual acts of pulling weeds from the ground. I discovered this fine sport on the weekend because after reading the Dian Mills book – I realised in order to beat this endometriosis/fertility problem – I first need to look after myself and wind down. After much weeding and winding down I now have a lovely garden, a very relaxed state of mind this morning (despite the fact that I woke up with bad hair – like wearing a bad wig), and mighty sore thighs. Better than yoga methinks. My doggie thinks mommy has gone mad, he sat quietly and watched me wedding for hours.
  2. Fish and chips. Yes it was deep fried. Yes it’s bad for you because the oil they use is most definitely not cold pressed olive oil but 3 week old lard but hey, its fish – and fish has good oils in them so its good for you. Once in a wee while is okay. Yummy.
  3. Planning and packing for a holiday. The best part of a holiday is not the actual going part; it’s the part between packing and standing at the customs waiting for that immigration stamp on my passport. Apeman and I are two strange souls – we always hold hands and giggle like teenagers at the airport – for as long as I can remember.
  4. Trying on shoes. Enough said. I worn my Keds on the weekend and they gave me throbbing red ankles - but it’s totally worth it when I see the cute black flats on my feet with the little pink dots and a black bow on them.
  5. Ovulation. Not the drug induced ones –but au naturale. According to a scan this morning I have one coming up – accompanied by en entourage of 15 little cystic follicles. Ah….the joys of polycystic syndrome. If they can’t get you with one thing (i.e. endometriosis) they get you with another.

That’s enough for one week I think.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Two Sour Face in a Pod

Firstly, I want to say thank you for dropping by to read my blog of ramblings. You ladies are so incredibly amazing and full of spirit. A few of you made me cry with what you wrote. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It is comforting (and sad at the same time) to know that there are people out there who is going through the same thing and understands you and know what it feels like. Apeman is a nice boy but he is not as accomodating as I would like him to be. Thank you cyber friends.

On Monday I did a bit of a big walk around town during lunch time. Partly because I need a breather from neon bright computer glare, but most importantly I need a quick fix so I walked to my favourite shoe shop and have a sniff of their new leather boots.

Like any other day, fertility issues were on my mind. I think at that exact moment I was thinking about the pros and cons of possibly doing an IUI cycle when I return from my long holiday in July (because with IUI - it is less invasive - no drugs no nothing). To match the occasion, I have an equally sour expression on my face (head down, mouth twisted to one side, screwed up forehead..etc - much like a constipated alien).

Suddenly face up and I saw a familiar face. A very well dressed, slim and attractive woman in a perfect pencil skirt was walking towards me. She had a similar expression to mine - sour looking, a questionable look, sad? Maybe a little. She looked a little sad to me.

Then I realise who she was. A woman I used to spend maybe hours watching when I was doing IVF at my previous clinic. We must be in sync with our hormonal pattern - so we have a similar timetable for bloodwork and ultrasounds and always end up sitting in the waiting room together. Sometimes I smile and nod and she did the same. Sometimes I just sit and check out her shoes. Her shoe collection is as good as mine. I think we did this synchronised cycling for maybe half a year.

She didn't recognise me. But I did. Even though it was a year further down the track since I last saw her.

And I felt sad straightaway. For both of us.

I want to go up to her and hug her and say, it's been a long road hasn't it?

But at the same time, as twisted as it may sound, I feel comforted. Knowing that I am not alone, and even as I walk down the crowded terrace in search for a leather fix I can still bump into people who has fertility problems just like me.

Tis a small and twisted world afterall. I wish you luck too Miss Hot Shoes Collection 2005.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Start Again

  1. Instead of resigning, I have decided to take `unspecified terms unpaid leave’ – did not state when I will return to work or IF I will return to work.  It kind of take the edge off my sudden departure – soften the blow for my boss and particularly for myself.  Apeman stood by me 100% - he thinks I should just take a break and join the gym and work on being healthy and happy.  My career has been in tatters ever since three years ago when things were starting to look bad.  My career has undergone a lot of pain and suffering – I feel it everyday.  It’s quite sad that I had let this whole IVF thing get to my head – but it happened and I am trying to turn things around. 
  2. Bought a book from the Dummy Series on fertility – it looked ridiculous initially but it really helped reading something that brings me down to earth.  I am treating it as a refresher course.  Amazingly after so many cycles there are still things I don’t know.  Loved the pictures.  They tell you everything about what goes on during the 2ww and why embryo glue shouldn’t be used.  Etc etc.
  3. Bought another book about mind over matter in relation to fertility issues.  It also sounds ridiculous but hey I am going to have A BIT OF spare time so might as well do something useful and get some alternative help.
  4. After a few hiccups during, and after this past cycle, have decided to stop all IVF treatment at least for a few months and maybe try something a bit less invasive like IUI / naturally ttc.  Am very conscious about what the meds are doing to my body – and am seriously, SERIOUSLY in need of a mini break from the whole needle / blood-taking / Day 5 transfer / stirrups / 2ww / I am sorry it’s a negative again deal – if my mind is getting a rest so shall my body.
  5. Am going travelling with the Ape – would be nice to get knocked up during the trip but am not and will not be holding my breath.
  6. Have already started on a diet loosely based on the Dian Mills diet.  Basically cut out caffeine and diary L and wheat from my life.  So far I have cheated maybe about 7 times but hey, a start is a start.   
  7. Am going to, and will, stay happy.  Regardless of whatever will happen.  I hope nothing will change this positive frame of mind.  With or without child I am determined to stay happy and be content with what I’ve already got.  Otherwise healthy, and be able to do what I want to do.

So that’s the plan so far.  If somebody is kind enough to upgrade me to the bare feet and pregnant option I am more than willing to oblige.  But I am not going to trade my soul for it.  Not like before.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Passing Time

Went to work today - as usual and carried on like any other day.

I find, if there is anything I am good at, is to pretend it was no big deal and carry on.

So, nursing a massive menstrual cramp, packed with a box of tampons and extra pads and my new book - a Dalai Lama masterpiece on The Art of Happiness, I wandered off to work, just like any other day. On my way from the carpark I bought a soya-chino and a piece of black forrest cake. Fuck it days cannot be worse than the one like today. Double up on the cake thanks.

Got stuck into work. Bullshit really. Chasing people up so THEY can do their jobs properly. Spending time crunching numbers for something unimportant and probably non-billable, watching people sneaking out of the office so they can have a smoke at 30-minute intervals. Listening to my workmate talking about his wife - again. Waiting for emails to come - something interesting, mind shattering enough to bring a little joy in my life. I laughed heartedly at a joke somebody sent me - and somebody gave me shit because I was such a retard and walked into one of the doors - again.

I laughed too. It was pretty funny.

Because, I feel, that you cannot get your eggs collected on the day your project has a team celebration luncheon, that I had decided to tell a few people about my IVF plans. What the heck - it is an interesting non-work topic with a socialogical flavour to it, plus at most times that's all I think about so might as well verbalise it.

So in the end, the result is I got a few people (who underwent my personal screening in order to be a part of my IVF syndicate) dropping by and asking me how did it go.

I smiled and said ah...well....as expected. What the fuck.

Oh. Do you want to talk about it?

Nah fuck it, don't worry about it. It's all good. See? I am not even crying anymore.

By about midday I called my boss into the a meeting room to discuss some work I have prepared earlier. Before the meeting commenced I asked him, I have something personal to discuss with you, do you want to do the personal stuff first, or discuss the work first.

He looked at me a little worried. And said don't keep me in suspense, let's do the personal first.

I would like to resign.

??

Yes I would like to resign. Want to do a little travelling because my lovely Ape has decided to cheer me up with a little holiday planned, we are going to VEGAS. We are going to hamp it up there, then after that I would like to settle back home, rest for a little while, take some time off to hug trees, have lots of unprotected sex (snort, as if that works), and hopefully work on expanding that family of ours.

I didn't say anything about the unprotected sex or the tree hugging but I did say everything else.

He was reluctant to let me go because I am his Cad Monkey, but we are working on a date which he can release me from my job.

So that was that. We got on with more work. Then in the afternoon he rewarded me with a 4 hour meeting - I was beyond painful and was nearly in tears trying to mentally suppress my period pain, and running out of the meeting room every half hour to replace tampon/check if there is a pool of blood on my skirt because I was bleeding so damn much. I wasn't released from jail until very late into the evening.

On my way home, I switched on the CD and it came to Song 20. It was The Banana Boat Song, the song me and Apeman listened to when we took our embryo home two weeks ago. This is my happy song, when I was younger I loved watching Beetlejuice the movie, and my favourite part of the movie was watching Winona Ryder dancing to this song. For some reason a few weeks ago I was once again aquainted with this song because it is a part of a new CD I bought...something to do with the 80's music. I remember driving and listening to the song and started to cry. Really crying. It is my baby's song. So when we had our transfer I asked Apeman to pop on the CD so our little embryo can listen to it too, to be a part of our world. My happy world with the promise of all things special and beautiful.

I cried so much tonight on my way home the tears blurred my vision.

Monday, May 15, 2006

No More Questions

Negative again.  Lord please have mercy on my soul. 

I have done all the crying and wailing – after once again getting a negative on Mother’s Day.  Anybody who comes within 10 metres of me bearing a gift of pink carnations and a box of chocolate (with a bow on it) risks physical attack by deranged woman.

At this stage, after 13 (14?) cycles, you might think – shouldn’t you just stop and spare yourself?  Should you just look IT in the eye and say, I LOSE.

All I know right now is, I don’t just want a baby, I want to be a mother.  However it takes. 

Once I regroup I will come back with a plan – and believe me I have a good plan in place.  I have so much in me to keep going I must be the happiest disappointed person today in my clinic.  In the mean time I am faced with the aftermath and bloodbath.

Thanks so much to those who dropped by my website and rewarding me with such beautiful word of encouragement – this world need more mothers like you and I wish for you all dreams to come true.

 

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Apple Tree and Dates

I really hate the two week wait.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I am going nuts. This morning I laid in bed thinking of a possible way out for myself if I get another negative. I considered many things. I have already got it all worked out.

It is the following Monday. I will be at work in theory. And instead of rushing home like I did for last cycle to wait for the phone call (which was used as an insurance in case things don't work out at least I can cry in the comforts of my own home), I will probably leave work for an hour or so, go to a cafe, sit quietly and wait for the dreaded call. I much rather do that than sit at home and cry myself silly. Last cycle's negative was pretty hard to take.

And this one is going to be even harder.

Had a blood test on friday to check hormone levels. I have been walking around with a very tense stomach - the ones you get after a greedy night at the buffet - it has been bloated to a ridiculous size and I look about 4 months pregnant (ha...the irony). I still do. I didn't think it was IVF related, I just thought there is something wrong with my digestive system or something, It turned out there is EVERYTHING to do with IVF. On friday E2=4000 (what the fuck?) and P4 = 600 (WHAT THE FUCK?). I asked the coordinator to repeat the numbers and apparently I heard correctly.

Chuckle chuckle. `Oh Drew your stomach must be pretty bloated!'

Oh yeah....it has been hasn't it?

No wonder.

Apparently numbers are NORMAL at this stage of the cycle. Whatever normal means because I don't recall it being so high before. I tried to shut that information off and concentrate on something else. Since then I have totally reshaped my eyebrows, made a start (I did not say FINISH here) on four different dishes...one of them Indian, a Chinese stir-fry, some pasta thing and a soup of some kind. I also re-jigged my towel system and started working on a new set of bikini lines - one pluck at the time.

I vacantly stare at my doggie - a lot.

Last night I dreamt my sister in law is pregnant with another baby. A boy. She was dancing around and flashing me little blue bibs and little baby Nike shoes. Fucking hell.

And Britney Spears is pregnant again. Poor child is going to be raised by a family consisting of a socially retarded father whose conversation is limited to verbal diarrhea and various meaningless rap tunes and doesn't know the meaning of a hard day's work, a mother who says `I dig it' alot and has a hit called `Baby hit me one more time'. And she doesn't believe in child-seats for cars with all the money that she has.

Oh I know I 'm mean. But fuck it, it's my two week wait and I can whinge if I want to.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

And then there's none...

We are now wading in the million-dollar pool -  its all fun and games except we haven't paid our entry fees yet.

Does that make any sense?  Nah I don't get it either but that's how I feel at the moment.

We received the terrible news this morning that my only other little bean didn't make it to Blastocyst stage.  It has been stagnant since the night before.  So what we have here is - a pool of six embryos reduced to one.  And this one little bean is with me right here as I type.  A cycle that started off with 13 or so follicles.  Now only one.

The statistics is mind blowing to say the least - for I now have none for freezing.  Which may not be a bad thing afterall - because I am a little reluctant to do a frozen transfer next time with only one left - based on experience the last one is the jinx and there simply isn't going to be a backup plan if the blastocyst does not survive the thawing.

It is also bizarre to know that the 3 abnormal ones passed the blastocyst stage with flying colours, with one almost to the hatching stage - but they are not to be.  Whereas the normal one just couldn't make it.

This cycle has been quite a lot of money for us, but that is not something we will worry about at this stage.  Though the Ape nearly fell off his chair when the bill was presented to us prior to transfer.

All we ask for is a child to hold in our arms, our little mirror image, somebody to love and nurture and love us back unconditionally.  A child to spoil, for Apeman to teach party tricks to, to protect, to hug when it's thundering outside and assure him/her that everything is going to be alright because you are our sweet little bean.

I just want a chance.  Please.

Here's to two weeks of mind numbing wait.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

And then there's one...

An update:

Out of the 6 fertilised – on Day 2/3

2 x 6 cell (bit slow)

1 x 7 cell (odd numbered…sometimes they say that’s not as good as even numbered ones)

3 x 8 cell (in line with the expected growth)

Finally after another couple of sleepless nights, unnecessary hair plucking, re-arrangement of towels in the order of size and colours…

Out of the 6 sent out for PGD – results for Day 5 (transfer day)

3 x 8 cell deemed ABNORMAL – chromosome abnormalities which can lead to early foetal death, miscarriage, although the embryos certainly looks perfectly normal and hatches, implants or even go to full term – the baby is likely to have a few disabilities which may lead to premature death.  Apparently for my 3 here they detected two different types of abnormality syndrome.  Poor little buggers.

1 x 6 cell results deemed INCONCLUSIVE.  This means they cannot get results for some of the tests they had carried out.  The quality therefore remains unknown.  It could well be normal, but they can’t be sure about that.

1 x 6 cell results deemed NORMAL.  But it has not reached blastocyst stage yet, it needs another day of brewing because biologically this one is a little slower than the others.  Success rate decreases if it is left for another day in the lab but unfortunately they cannot freeze this one if it is not a blastocyst.

1 x 7 cell results deemed NORMAL.  It has compacted but not quite a blastocyst.  Again nothing we can do about this but the fact that it is NORMAL in everyway means it is good enough to be put back.  Ladies and gentleman – this shall be my child. 

I hope and hope and hope and hope.  And hope and hope.

ET this afternoon.  Will post again as the madness continues for the next two weeks.