Went to work today - as usual and carried on like any other day.
I find, if there is anything I am good at, is to pretend it was no big deal and carry on.
So, nursing a massive menstrual cramp, packed with a box of tampons and extra pads and my new book - a Dalai Lama masterpiece on The Art of Happiness, I wandered off to work, just like any other day. On my way from the carpark I bought a soya-chino and a piece of black forrest cake. Fuck it days cannot be worse than the one like today. Double up on the cake thanks.
Got stuck into work. Bullshit really. Chasing people up so THEY can do their jobs properly. Spending time crunching numbers for something unimportant and probably non-billable, watching people sneaking out of the office so they can have a smoke at 30-minute intervals. Listening to my workmate talking about his wife - again. Waiting for emails to come - something interesting, mind shattering enough to bring a little joy in my life. I laughed heartedly at a joke somebody sent me - and somebody gave me shit because I was such a retard and walked into one of the doors - again.
I laughed too. It was pretty funny.
Because, I feel, that you cannot get your eggs collected on the day your project has a team celebration luncheon, that I had decided to tell a few people about my IVF plans. What the heck - it is an interesting non-work topic with a socialogical flavour to it, plus at most times that's all I think about so might as well verbalise it.
So in the end, the result is I got a few people (who underwent my personal screening in order to be a part of my IVF syndicate) dropping by and asking me how did it go.
I smiled and said ah...well....as expected. What the fuck.
Oh. Do you want to talk about it?
Nah fuck it, don't worry about it. It's all good. See? I am not even crying anymore.
By about midday I called my boss into the a meeting room to discuss some work I have prepared earlier. Before the meeting commenced I asked him, I have something personal to discuss with you, do you want to do the personal stuff first, or discuss the work first.
He looked at me a little worried. And said don't keep me in suspense, let's do the personal first.
I would like to resign.
Yes I would like to resign. Want to do a little travelling because my lovely Ape has decided to cheer me up with a little holiday planned, we are going to VEGAS. We are going to hamp it up there, then after that I would like to settle back home, rest for a little while, take some time off to hug trees, have lots of unprotected sex (snort, as if that works), and hopefully work on expanding that family of ours.
I didn't say anything about the unprotected sex or the tree hugging but I did say everything else.
He was reluctant to let me go because I am his Cad Monkey, but we are working on a date which he can release me from my job.
So that was that. We got on with more work. Then in the afternoon he rewarded me with a 4 hour meeting - I was beyond painful and was nearly in tears trying to mentally suppress my period pain, and running out of the meeting room every half hour to replace tampon/check if there is a pool of blood on my skirt because I was bleeding so damn much. I wasn't released from jail until very late into the evening.
On my way home, I switched on the CD and it came to Song 20. It was The Banana Boat Song, the song me and Apeman listened to when we took our embryo home two weeks ago. This is my happy song, when I was younger I loved watching Beetlejuice the movie, and my favourite part of the movie was watching Winona Ryder dancing to this song. For some reason a few weeks ago I was once again aquainted with this song because it is a part of a new CD I bought...something to do with the 80's music. I remember driving and listening to the song and started to cry. Really crying. It is my baby's song. So when we had our transfer I asked Apeman to pop on the CD so our little embryo can listen to it too, to be a part of our world. My happy world with the promise of all things special and beautiful.
I cried so much tonight on my way home the tears blurred my vision.