We are now wading in the million-dollar pool - its all fun and games except we haven't paid our entry fees yet.
Does that make any sense? Nah I don't get it either but that's how I feel at the moment.
We received the terrible news this morning that my only other little bean didn't make it to Blastocyst stage. It has been stagnant since the night before. So what we have here is - a pool of six embryos reduced to one. And this one little bean is with me right here as I type. A cycle that started off with 13 or so follicles. Now only one.
The statistics is mind blowing to say the least - for I now have none for freezing. Which may not be a bad thing afterall - because I am a little reluctant to do a frozen transfer next time with only one left - based on experience the last one is the jinx and there simply isn't going to be a backup plan if the blastocyst does not survive the thawing.
It is also bizarre to know that the 3 abnormal ones passed the blastocyst stage with flying colours, with one almost to the hatching stage - but they are not to be. Whereas the normal one just couldn't make it.
This cycle has been quite a lot of money for us, but that is not something we will worry about at this stage. Though the Ape nearly fell off his chair when the bill was presented to us prior to transfer.
All we ask for is a child to hold in our arms, our little mirror image, somebody to love and nurture and love us back unconditionally. A child to spoil, for Apeman to teach party tricks to, to protect, to hug when it's thundering outside and assure him/her that everything is going to be alright because you are our sweet little bean.
I just want a chance. Please.
Here's to two weeks of mind numbing wait.