Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Against My Own Sane Will

In my own little geek world (ie. my engineering department), we have a team of four people. I am the only girl (whoopie to that - because this means I am the resident secretary, minute-taker, computer expert, gofer, relationship analyst and social planner), the other two guys are married and are in their mid thirties, and another guy who is probably the luckiest of us all because he is a bachelor in his fourties and has an amazing bachelor pad complete with a personally designed and self built pergola and a custom ordered telescope. Oh, and no fertility problems.

By accident, whilst chatting to one of the married guys a few weeks ago, I discovered about his fertility problems - and realise him and his wife had just undergone their first IVF treatment just a month before my PGD cycle. Unfortunately for them, the result was a negative.

He was one of the people I let in about my PGD cycle, and he was one of the first person to ask me how did it go.

So anyway - today, as in right now, he is waiting for the beta result of their second cycle. He is so excited about it that he took the day off so he can wait by the phone with his wife. He told me yesterday that he is very optimistic that this is going to work for them, and in three months time when his wife is three months into her pregnancy, they will most likely sell their current house and buy a slightly bigger house to welcome the new baby - and if they couldn't find anything decent to buy, he might just put an extension to the house to accomodate a nursery. Then it will be more kids for them soon after the first one is born because they don't want to wait.

It's all very good and well, except this morning I arrived at work feeling like shit. It's as if I am going through the whole 2 week wait and beta result again. I feel lousy because it seems everybody else is getting pregnant after undergoing between 1 to 5 cycles and I am still pathetically charging on to double digits in IVF cycles undertaken.

My painful day got worse because some irritating shithead keeps popping by my workstation to check out what I have on screen but pretend he wasn't really looking at my screen by generating some mindless conversation about microsoft word printing or some shit like that. And when I quickly minimise my webpage he giggled and said oh what were you looking at? Is there something you don't want to share? He he he. Show us show us.

Oh yes dickwit, its my blog on infertility about vaginal ultrasounds, heavy periods and passing of clots. You want to have a read?

If I am an alcoholic - this will be the day I break the spell and drink myself stupid.

But I will settle with a piece of black forrest cake. Just one piece.


Meri-ann said...

I hear that a nice merlot goes well with black forrest cake.... I hope that the perkiness returns soon, and that your co worker gets some good news.
BTW, grab the irritating shithead and ask him about cervical mucous, that should get rid of him!

Betty said...

If you had let him look at the screen he would never have pried into your private life again!! Wishing you lots of luck lovie.

StellaNova said...

Shitheads are an unavoidable part of dealing with IF.

It's amazing how many others you find out about once you start down this path. My doctor is an obstetrician as well, but only for the patients he has helped along the way. In the paper the other weekend, I saw a birth notice for one of my colleagues, with a big thank you to my Doc.I have a very different respect for him now and feel like we are really close, even though I barely know him.

But it's hard to see their success.

I hope tomorrow is a better one for you.

soralis said...

I just came across your blog. I wish you the very best.

Don't you hate people that have to see what you are doing!

Take care

Alli said...

People are idiots.

Have a piece of cake for me!!

ninaB said...

i can identify with every single word in this post. except that i'm not an engineer.

the_road_less_travelled said...

In my TTC journey I have really learned to appreciate alcohol and lots of it. Infertility sucks and I hate it! I wish you all the best.

Kris said...

I think cake-oholic will leave you with fewer hangovers. Go for it.

Just another Jenny said...

What an awful day. I work in IT and I get to take all the minutes too, isn't it fun being an overpaid secretary? I hate nosey ass people. Wish I could get you that piece of cake.

Shazz said...

If you need a drinking partner or even better a chocie partner I'm ya woman!! From one IVFer to another I hear ya.