Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I listen to myself

Today has been an okay day. Poopee ate all her meals, she pooped a couple of times (which is usual for us), and she is just her usual gorgeous self. But active. Very active. Chasing around the shops active.

Took her to the shops to have professional photos done today. I jumped in for a couple of cute mum and daughter shots. Just how can this be possible, me having a daughter, a little girl so gorgeous I ask to kiss her all the time (not that she has a choice).

There are still many nights I think about my little peanut, my small little heartbeat. I think about what-ifs, I think about what to do next year around his/her due date. And once again, I find it difficult to be around pregnant women. Damn that. double damn that. I thought I was cured. This friday I am going to dodge a planned outing with several mums from playgroup. One of the non-regular mums is already pregnant and is showing and is dying to show us her baby bump. I am not ready for that yet.

A distant friend phoned today. She had her daugther a little less than a year after Poopee was born. She told me she is returning to the workforce next week, and asked me, without alot of tact I must say, when am I going to start looking for work again since Poopee is so old already.

Well. My mouth quivered and uttered a whole heap of excuses, using keyphrases such as `she is sick all the time', `worried she might climb out of her cot and nobody is watching her', `don't trust childcare facilities', `maybe wait till she turns two'. She wasn't too convinced and dug further and assured me childcare facilites are more than fine etc. I felt terrible afterwards. I felt a little useless. I felt like maybe it is time to get a job.

Then five minutes passed. I got angry.

I know what I want. I have always known. I wanted to be a mum for so damn long, and now that I am a mum, I will be a stay at home mum for as long as I fucking want and for as long as it is financially secure enough for us to do so. I want to spend my day hanging out with my daughter, and spend an hour in the afternoon napping together. I just wish I had the courage and the right frame of mind to say that to her. Bitch.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The D and C

So the D&C happened on Monday. I actually started to bleed a little heavier the night before, with some decent cramps on Sunday afternoon. But I didn't bleed any heavy tissue or clots. It was just like a normal period if I tried not to think about what is actually inside.

But it was not meant to be, I was not meant to have the failure of the pregnancy resolved naturally. I went to the hospital myself early Monday morning by Taxi, leaving my two loves at home. Just sad to think later on that day I was to return home alone. Just myself.

I only slept an hour the night before. But I felt freshly awake.

I was given a couple of sedatives to help me relax prior to the procedure, which I was thankful for, and it felt like only five minutes had passed before the orderlies wheeled me into the theatre. My doctor spoke to me before, gently asking me if I was okay and patted me on the knee for reassurance. He asked for my consent to carry out a chromosome check on the embryo and endometrial products afterwards. I agreed.

I didn't have a last thought before I went unconscious, I really regret it now. I wish I have a nice thought, or at least think about something sentimental before I went under. But no it didn't happen. The next thing I know I woke up with a male orderly looking down at me, he said something I couldn't understand, but that's when I knew it was finally over.

Then back in my room - I cannot exactly remember crying but I must have because I was asked if I needed to see a chaplin. Not religious myself, but I felt it will be comforting to see a chaplin. The chaplin thankfully was a warmly spoken woman who held my hand and listened to me talked jibberish between sobs. She asked if I wanted her to say a prayer for us I agreed. It was really beautiful, she asked God for a warm spot in his beautiful place for my little peanut. She later gave me a soft love heart made of fabric and wool. Something tangible to hold onto. It was yellow with white little spots on it. The prettiest and happiest colour on the palette.

Later when Apeman came to pick me up, we went to the chapel within the hospital complex and I lit a candle.

And then we return home.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Still waiting for the much dreaded miscarriage. More than a week on.

Thanks to everyone who dropped by, quite a few new names and faces. Thank you so much to each of you. It really means alot to me.

I had some serious cramps the day after the final ultrasound. And since then I had a few small bleeds, but it is very light and it comes and goes. The uterus feels very heavy tonight. It feels like things are going to drop any second. I am so scared. I don't know if I am ready to see my pregnancy on its way out.

I talked to a mum friend, who had a similar experience recently (baby stopped growing at 6 weeks), and she described to me in detail what happened during her miscarriage. I want to be prepared for it. So upon her suggestion, I now permanently sit on a super-sized pad in case it happens.

I had been in contact with my doctor and he has organised a D&C for me upon my request. It will happen next Monday regardless of whether a natural misscarriage happens prior. It is not my intention to have medical intervention, to have my sweet little embryo sucked out of me, but because my body is not releasing the pregnancy naturally, I think this is the only other option. It breaks my heart thinking about it, the D&C. I am in pain. I still cry. I no longer enjoy my only solitary time at night - my shower - because I cry. So many things I want to say but don't know how to.

The irony is I am still getting a nauseous feeling at night. It is so sick. I have this sick feeling in my throat, just like I did when I was pregnant with Poopee, and during this pregnancy with Penelope. I don't know why I am still getting this terrible feeling. It just makes me even sadder.

I have won the lottery once already. I never ask for more. I never dare to ask for a miracle to happen twice. But it did and now it has been taken away. But this is not the reason I am sad, I am sad because I saw another life inside me. And then it wasn't living.

I now only wish for one thing - for my sweet little soul to have a beautiful place to go to. Somewhere nurturing, somewhere sweet, and never sad. Too precious. To have but not to hold.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Sweet Penelope

That is the name I have given her. Penelope - a very pretty and sweet name, something Apeman doesn't seem to agree on but is happy for me to use it as a `for now' name. And I assume it is a girl - because a gift as precious as this will be another girl for me. The sweetness of holding a baby girl again. A gift. Beyond blessed.

Bleeding started up again yesterday so after much discussion with Apeman, we have decided to head down to the emergency department for some help. Bleeding at 8.5 weeks is very unsettling especially since the bleeding seems to have stopped the past week. Pelvic scan showed a very faint picture so the doctor went vaginal ultrasound-way.

The expression on the doctor's face is not one I am familiar with.

My little peanut has a very faint, if valid, heartbeart. You can hardly see it, which is unusal for an 8.5 week old foetus. And sadly, she only measures just under the size of a 6 week old foetus. And judging by the dates, if I am correct about the dates, everything looks bad. My little peanut just couldn't grow. She couldn't keep growing. She didn't grow in the past weeks when I am busily thinking about prams and new sleeping arrangements and small, tiny little newborn nappies. And my arms around two beautiful children.

My referral letter wrote `missed abortion'.

I had to call my good doctor immediately. He heard the numbers and organised for me to immediately head down to his rooms for a second scan. A few hours later, by the time I was on his examination table, my little peanut's heartbeat is gone.

I hardly even have time to digest her first pictures and she is gone.

I am to wait for another week, to see if my body will let Peanut go naturally, if not I am to have the option of a D&C. I was given a bunch of pregnancy loss pamphlets by the hospital to read. Including various methods of `letting go conception tissue'. A terrible, terrible use of words for me at this stage. Terrible.

I don't want you to go Penelope. I have a song for you. You will always be mine.

Sunday, August 17, 2008


It is still slowly sinking in - the idea of being pregnant again.

Never in my widest dreams - never in all of the many visions I've had, never.

Soon after my last post I found a wee bit of brown spotting, which grew to a red spotting over the next week. I still have a bit here and there, but as much as I would like to check all the time - who has the time to check for bleeding when you are running after a very cheeky and active 17 month old?

Went through the `normal' channels of getting pregnancy support - a local GP whom I have never seen before (my usual GP was unavailable at the time). He wrote me up bloodwork request for a 12 week scan. I reminded him that I am spotting so he chucked that bit of paperwork out, and re-wrote me two pieces of bloodtest request over a period of three days, to check for - get this - FULL BLOOD COUNT. Not E2, not HCG, not P4, but it is very important to check for full blood count this week - twice. So obviously I was a little surprised when I rang for results they told me they have no idea how pregnant I am, or why I am spotting. But my full blood count is good. So good that I am to do it again the next day.

Well - so much for dealing with this GP. I threw the other bit of paperwork out and rang my good doctor (OBS) - he sent me straight away to his fertility clinic and had the proper blood tests done.

HCG and P4 was ALOT lower than what I had with Poopee around the same time.

~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 4600, P4 = 37 (this time)
~ 5.5 weeks - HCG = 12,000, P4 = 70 (Poopee)

Today (a week later) - numbers have doubled nicely and looks like we might be able to keep this little one. First scan scheduled in two weeks time. I have no idea how pregnant I am, because HCG is not indicative of the pregnancy unless you have a scan to go with it - but roughly working the numbers out - this little one is due on the same day Poopee did. (But Poopee arrived at 38 weeks). Very, very bizarre.

Apeman is stoked, I am a little scared, a bit unprepared. Even Poopee can sense the new life inside of me - she reaches into my top and pinches the left nipple alot this week - as if to make claim of that nipple before her brother/sister gets a hold of it. Strange little things.

Saturday, August 09, 2008


Realised this morning my persistent chin/jaw acne has suddenly disappeared. I looked into the mirror and saw a clear faced Drew - but also a very tired, haggard looking Drew.

I thought - oh my God. I am pregnant.

We went out to the markets to buy fresh fruits and veges, then dropped by a pharmacy to pick up a 2-test pregnancy test kit. Went home - peed on some sticks.

Two lines.

My first words - WHAT THE FUCK!?!!! (Quite unlike our tears of joy with Poopee).

Fifteen minutes later - peed on another stick.

Two lines. Again. Very quickly.

I am pregnant.

I think about five to five and a half weeks? Maybe six?

I am in shock at the moment. Me and Apeman were wondering how can this second miracle happen when we only had sex once this month. I still remember it - during Jamie Oliver's show about bad eating - the one where a few bodies were dissected in front of the audience.

No idea what to do next at the moment as I am battling a bad virus (coughing, blocked nose, headache, fatigue) and looking after a sick Poopee.

Will see what happens next. I just,

just cannot believe this.

All those years of fertility treatment. I - we - feel very, very blessed.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

That same old loving feeling

Poopee's been sick with a nasty flu she caught from her cousins. Poor thing was coughing all night and has a pretty high temperature. Many times I wish it was me who has the cough and fever. Not my baby. :(

Poopee now 16 months. She had her first playgroup fight the other day with a boy a little bigger than her. She snatched something off him, he snatched it back from her, she chased him down and snatched it back. He tried to snatch it back and after much tugging and pulling they both fell on the floor. Cruelly I was in hysterics (with the other mothers in the playgroup!) because since knowing these babies from birth - we just witnessed our first FIGHT!

Walked past a newsagency and saw some hardcover children's books. I picked up a cute one about a little pig called Penelope. And just when I was about to leave and pay for the book, I saw a cheap one (for $5!) called A world of Baby Names. I flipped through it quickly and realise it was full of old medieval names like Anand and Hibah and Meade. I guess it is better than calling your little ray of sunshine Grass or Raindrops or Moonbeam. It was $5 so I bought it.

I am not trying for a baby. But Apeman is. So in between I guess we have some sort of try-not-try situation. My period has been eerily regular since I got it back earlier this year - it is a week late this month but I honestly think it is just around the corner. I am too scared to even do a test or think about babies (though that Baby Names book is not going to help). I am just happy with the way things are at the moment. Life is already good.

Will see what happens.

Friday, May 09, 2008

The birthday party

Took Poopee to her first ever birthday party - a friend's 4 year old birthday party.

It was quite a strange experience. Very awkward moments indeed.

I was bombarded with twenty or so women - all mothers or mothers to be, lavishing attention to their own babies/children and/or other people's babies/children, discussing certain impending births, and in particular - a friend of a friend's who just gave birth this morning (hmm.. ahh...her water broke first then it was over and done with very quickly!).

It was mumzilla overdrive. The chaos nearly sent my otherwise idle ovary into ovulation overdrive.

Me and Poopee had a pretty nice time. She wanted to explore the house, walking rather wobbly with me partially supporting her. A few mums commented that my full-headed girl look a little like Suri Cruise - the Asian version of course. It is rather complimentary to be told my gorgeousness resembles the child of movie stars. But not so complimented to think I might have given birth silently like Katie.

New trick today - she has developed a temper. You take an object of interest off her hand - she chucks the biggest tantrum and jumps up and down to display her dissatisfaction/anger - and if you EVEN try to pacify her with another toy - she grabs it and throws it away with as much force as possible.

Nice work, darling.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Where did I go?

Been reading this book.

Incredible, incredible stuff. I cannot believe how much this woman had endured, and how much the people who had hurt her got away with all those years. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I read about her experiences.
These child molesters should be locked away for good. Throw the key away. Jail is too good for them.
Got my first real period last week. I had a two year break from aunt-flow. Throughout my pregnancy I was too scared to see even a tiny speck of blood - so it was always dreaded. And during Poopee's first year - I was happy to be relieved from it because a raging period is not something that goes well with lack of sleep and other baby maintenance activities.
Even before I reached for my first bag of sanitary napkins - Apeman gleefully announced to me that it is Time To Try For A Second ONE.
`A second one of what?'
`A BABY! A sister or brother for M......'.
Haven't quite made up my mind about this second baby business. I am enjoying my gorgeous girl way too much to even think about the possibility of a second baby. Too lazy now. Don't want to tread (even if it is slowly) down the infertility roller-coaster. I had to remind Apeman that just because we had one baby successfully does not necessary mean the next baby is going to be easy come.
Plus I think I need at least two years (or some nafty plastic surgery) to recover from all that pulling my Poopee is doing to my nipples. Yikes!

Sunday, April 06, 2008

My girl

Poopee turned one two weeks ago.
I threw her a big, pink, girly party.
She is not quite walking on her own yet, but she is a little cheeky monkey - crawling and climbing everywhere and everything.
My favourite thing to do with her is to pull `KISS' faces by sticking our tongues out in front of the mirror whilst doing the rock n roll gesture with our fingers.
Everyday is beautiful with her.