Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The D and C

So the D&C happened on Monday. I actually started to bleed a little heavier the night before, with some decent cramps on Sunday afternoon. But I didn't bleed any heavy tissue or clots. It was just like a normal period if I tried not to think about what is actually inside.

But it was not meant to be, I was not meant to have the failure of the pregnancy resolved naturally. I went to the hospital myself early Monday morning by Taxi, leaving my two loves at home. Just sad to think later on that day I was to return home alone. Just myself.

I only slept an hour the night before. But I felt freshly awake.

I was given a couple of sedatives to help me relax prior to the procedure, which I was thankful for, and it felt like only five minutes had passed before the orderlies wheeled me into the theatre. My doctor spoke to me before, gently asking me if I was okay and patted me on the knee for reassurance. He asked for my consent to carry out a chromosome check on the embryo and endometrial products afterwards. I agreed.

I didn't have a last thought before I went unconscious, I really regret it now. I wish I have a nice thought, or at least think about something sentimental before I went under. But no it didn't happen. The next thing I know I woke up with a male orderly looking down at me, he said something I couldn't understand, but that's when I knew it was finally over.

Then back in my room - I cannot exactly remember crying but I must have because I was asked if I needed to see a chaplin. Not religious myself, but I felt it will be comforting to see a chaplin. The chaplin thankfully was a warmly spoken woman who held my hand and listened to me talked jibberish between sobs. She asked if I wanted her to say a prayer for us I agreed. It was really beautiful, she asked God for a warm spot in his beautiful place for my little peanut. She later gave me a soft love heart made of fabric and wool. Something tangible to hold onto. It was yellow with white little spots on it. The prettiest and happiest colour on the palette.

Later when Apeman came to pick me up, we went to the chapel within the hospital complex and I lit a candle.

And then we return home.


Mrs Woggie said...

How utterly heartbreaking. Huge cyber hugs right back from me.

Silver said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. So sorry... sending you a big hug

Kath said...

Dear Drew, I'm crying for you and your loss. May you recover quickly from the procedure, and may you start healing inside. What a lovely, loving thing that chaplain did for you.

The Broken Man said...

Glad the chaplain was able to help at least a little bit. Thinking of you,

The Broken Man

Sue said...

Drew, i am so sorry to hear of your devastating news. Take care of yourself during this difficult time

Bugsy said...

Oh hunny, Firstly - HUGS. OMG i haven't been online much and I should have checked on you. I should have been there for you. I am soooo sorry.

I have been there, right where you are - I am soo sorry. I am shedding the tears for you my love.

Any time you need to chat - Any time at all - i am here. Email me if you need anything at all. I understand. Frig, the universe sucks so bad.

I am so sorry.