Thursday, September 04, 2008

Still waiting for the much dreaded miscarriage. More than a week on.

Thanks to everyone who dropped by, quite a few new names and faces. Thank you so much to each of you. It really means alot to me.

I had some serious cramps the day after the final ultrasound. And since then I had a few small bleeds, but it is very light and it comes and goes. The uterus feels very heavy tonight. It feels like things are going to drop any second. I am so scared. I don't know if I am ready to see my pregnancy on its way out.

I talked to a mum friend, who had a similar experience recently (baby stopped growing at 6 weeks), and she described to me in detail what happened during her miscarriage. I want to be prepared for it. So upon her suggestion, I now permanently sit on a super-sized pad in case it happens.

I had been in contact with my doctor and he has organised a D&C for me upon my request. It will happen next Monday regardless of whether a natural misscarriage happens prior. It is not my intention to have medical intervention, to have my sweet little embryo sucked out of me, but because my body is not releasing the pregnancy naturally, I think this is the only other option. It breaks my heart thinking about it, the D&C. I am in pain. I still cry. I no longer enjoy my only solitary time at night - my shower - because I cry. So many things I want to say but don't know how to.

The irony is I am still getting a nauseous feeling at night. It is so sick. I have this sick feeling in my throat, just like I did when I was pregnant with Poopee, and during this pregnancy with Penelope. I don't know why I am still getting this terrible feeling. It just makes me even sadder.

I have won the lottery once already. I never ask for more. I never dare to ask for a miracle to happen twice. But it did and now it has been taken away. But this is not the reason I am sad, I am sad because I saw another life inside me. And then it wasn't living.

I now only wish for one thing - for my sweet little soul to have a beautiful place to go to. Somewhere nurturing, somewhere sweet, and never sad. Too precious. To have but not to hold.


Mony said...

She is in a beautiful place Drew. She is in your heart. The sweetest, most nurturing place for your little love.
The fact that you never asked for more makes it all the more sorrowful. You got the miracle...then it was taken away. Why? Now you have to deal with broken dreams & sadness for your loss. It's so unfair that you have to experience this.
Do you imagine that you'll be blessed again one day? Will you try? I just hope that you get to have another pregnancy one day..and a little sibling for Poopee? She is proof that it CAN happen? I really hope so sweetie.

Kath said...

Dear Drew, I'm only getting this post now, so you must have gone through the D&C today. I hope so much that it went all right, without too much pain. What a terrible experience to go through -- I so wish this weren't happening to you.

Those showers -- those moments went the pain just hits at the most vulnerable, solitary time -- are among the saddest, cruelest parts of miscarriage. May this time pass soon, and may Poopee lighten your heart.

I'm thinking of you with sadness and affection and wishing you healing.

Silver said...

Thinking of you. Hope you are doing ok.