That is the name I have given her. Penelope - a very pretty and sweet name, something Apeman doesn't seem to agree on but is happy for me to use it as a `for now' name. And I assume it is a girl - because a gift as precious as this will be another girl for me. The sweetness of holding a baby girl again. A gift. Beyond blessed.
Bleeding started up again yesterday so after much discussion with Apeman, we have decided to head down to the emergency department for some help. Bleeding at 8.5 weeks is very unsettling especially since the bleeding seems to have stopped the past week. Pelvic scan showed a very faint picture so the doctor went vaginal ultrasound-way.
The expression on the doctor's face is not one I am familiar with.
My little peanut has a very faint, if valid, heartbeart. You can hardly see it, which is unusal for an 8.5 week old foetus. And sadly, she only measures just under the size of a 6 week old foetus. And judging by the dates, if I am correct about the dates, everything looks bad. My little peanut just couldn't grow. She couldn't keep growing. She didn't grow in the past weeks when I am busily thinking about prams and new sleeping arrangements and small, tiny little newborn nappies. And my arms around two beautiful children.
My referral letter wrote `missed abortion'.
I had to call my good doctor immediately. He heard the numbers and organised for me to immediately head down to his rooms for a second scan. A few hours later, by the time I was on his examination table, my little peanut's heartbeat is gone.
I hardly even have time to digest her first pictures and she is gone.
I am to wait for another week, to see if my body will let Peanut go naturally, if not I am to have the option of a D&C. I was given a bunch of pregnancy loss pamphlets by the hospital to read. Including various methods of `letting go conception tissue'. A terrible, terrible use of words for me at this stage. Terrible.
I don't want you to go Penelope. I have a song for you. You will always be mine.