Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I listen to myself

Today has been an okay day. Poopee ate all her meals, she pooped a couple of times (which is usual for us), and she is just her usual gorgeous self. But active. Very active. Chasing around the shops active.

Took her to the shops to have professional photos done today. I jumped in for a couple of cute mum and daughter shots. Just how can this be possible, me having a daughter, a little girl so gorgeous I ask to kiss her all the time (not that she has a choice).

There are still many nights I think about my little peanut, my small little heartbeat. I think about what-ifs, I think about what to do next year around his/her due date. And once again, I find it difficult to be around pregnant women. Damn that. double damn that. I thought I was cured. This friday I am going to dodge a planned outing with several mums from playgroup. One of the non-regular mums is already pregnant and is showing and is dying to show us her baby bump. I am not ready for that yet.

A distant friend phoned today. She had her daugther a little less than a year after Poopee was born. She told me she is returning to the workforce next week, and asked me, without alot of tact I must say, when am I going to start looking for work again since Poopee is so old already.

Well. My mouth quivered and uttered a whole heap of excuses, using keyphrases such as `she is sick all the time', `worried she might climb out of her cot and nobody is watching her', `don't trust childcare facilities', `maybe wait till she turns two'. She wasn't too convinced and dug further and assured me childcare facilites are more than fine etc. I felt terrible afterwards. I felt a little useless. I felt like maybe it is time to get a job.

Then five minutes passed. I got angry.

I know what I want. I have always known. I wanted to be a mum for so damn long, and now that I am a mum, I will be a stay at home mum for as long as I fucking want and for as long as it is financially secure enough for us to do so. I want to spend my day hanging out with my daughter, and spend an hour in the afternoon napping together. I just wish I had the courage and the right frame of mind to say that to her. Bitch.


Kath said...

Dear Drew, I will never understand what makes people attempt to inflict their worldview and their life plans on others. So she wants to (or has to) go back to work, good on her! But why pressure you into doing the same? Is it to make you "see the light", or simply to make herself feel better about her own choice? Why not just ask you, neutrally, what your plans are, and accept your answer? Gah, it's just awful the way women do this to each other. I have a distant friend who is pretty much in the opposite camp (mothers should not be working outside the home, ever) but similarly pushy in trying to get me to join her. Whatever happened to live and let live and respect?

Endobaby said...

wtf?!? I can't believe she said that! You have fought hard to get to where you are now with your daughter and if you want to stay at home, SCREW HER!


Mony said...

Me Too!

Endobaby said...

You ok hon? haven't heard from you in a few weeks...

OvaGirl said...

Drew have just caught up with your posts and was shocked and saddened to see what has happened. I am so so sorry. I hope that you are getting stronger and finding peace of mind. And I would think that hanging out with Poopee and napping together in the afternoons is exactly what you need to do.