Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Fucking Period Is Here - Again

It's all over again.

I had this tune playing over and over again in my head all morning – it’s `I’ve started a joke’ by the Bee Gees.

“I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,

but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me."

The problem is I didn’t start the joke on myself – it just happened to me and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I just want to go home and crawl into my doona cover and cry – but I can’t and won’t let myself – because I want to be normal. I don’t want to quit my job once again because I have conceiving problems or is depressed – and I don’t want to once again sit at home and watch my life goes by, or haunt my local shopping centre only to be surrounded by expectant mothers. I just want to keep my job – exhibit the minimal requirements to sustain a living – and then hope and pray that something good will happen to me.

I am just tired. Tired of the routine, the excitement of an ovulation/embryo transfer, the long two week wait, and then the disappointment. I just feel really lacklustre, lifeless, insipid, gloomy….all the words you can find in your ordinary English thesaurus.

If there are any days in which I have difficulty dealing with immediate family, pregnant women, cute babies, affectionate children, little Chinese girls who looks like she can be my daughter, teenage mothers, celebrity teenage mothers (for fuck’s sake, Bec Cartwright is going to keep an ongoing pregnancy diary in Woman’s Day – what more can a pregnant celebrity who is currently dating a multi-millionaire ask for?), and Demi Moore having her 5th child at 42 and is going to pose nude again in her pregnancy glory with her Toy Boy….today is the day.

On a lighter note - my American Pen Pal Vickie has given birth to her twin boys - they are beautiful, perfect, handsome little IVF boys. I cried when I saw the photos. How I wish to have beautiful little babies to resemble my husband. To give life and to hold. To love and be loved.

Excellent. My highlight of the day is to go to the local supermarket and stock up on tampons. I don't even know if I can make it through the day from the way I am going at the moment.

3 comments:

Ova Girl said...

Drew

wow, really sorry. It's incredibly hard and you're doing a brilliant job. Nothing anyone says can really make you feel better but just know that you're not alone and we understand that pain and longing. And we're fucking sick of it too.

take care. And keep writing it out. It helps.

MC said...

Yeah I'm tired of it too. I also can't stand all the gossip mags and their covers, tracking every last celebrity pregnancy.
Hope you feel better soon.

Mony said...

You sound so blue.
And rightly so.
It's wear & tear on the mind, body & soul.
I wish I could offer a word of comfort, just something that could lighten your heavy heart. But, all I have is "I'm so sorry".