Firstly, thanks to those who read my previous post and offered the comforting words - you ladies are amazing.
Life goes on - I had a watery period to start with on Day 12, and smack bang exactly 14 days after ovulation I rained period last night - I got the cramping, the heavy period and the shitty mood to go with it. It really is not fucking fair and I really don't know what the fuck to do next.
Interestingly, I still remember when Big Brother was first introduced into Australia. I probably was already one or two years into my pregnancy quest - I remembered back then I was glad to have something to occupy my dim mind - watching Big Brother can sometimes make me forget about all my problems. Roll on a few years later, Big Brother 2005 - I am still here, watching the same old bunch of people frolicking in the nude and the boys talking about how big their penises are and how much sex they've had since they were 13. Excellent.
What makes me so worried and lost my cool this time? Because I've worked out the following:
1) I can ovulate normally, estrogen is nice and high, have a good LH surge and therefore a good ovulation, excellent progesterone levels. But my lining breaks down on Day 12 - Day 14 and that will be the end of baby dream. No questions asked.
2) I tried the IVF and all the fruits that went with it - egg quality is good, sperm good (thanks to Babe's super-sperm), embryos are good, in all cycles they all reach 7-8 cells by Day 3, our embryos have more than 90% efficiency in turning into compacting blastocysts. Lining is good (thicker than the normal requirements). Had some basic antibody tests carried out - all `normal'. Hell, I know the IVF terminology better than some of the nurses in my clinic.
3) I tried Clomid, did them in various dosages (50mg - 250mg) and I only respond occasionally so my doctor stopped using it on me. I tried FSH injections - not good because I produce too many small follicles instead of a few big ones. So I am `better off' with IVF.
4) I tried having sex like normal people. I tried having sex and go to the toilet straight after and not worry about the sperm leaking out. I tried lying on my back with legs up for an hour at least.
5) I prayed, I meditated, I went to different places of worship and asked for the divine help, I did the Chinese herbs, I saw lots of naturopaths and went on a $600 a month herb regime, I did the acupunture, I did the massages, I did Bowen and had voice healings, I have experienced Reiki (which I will continue to do), I did the angry phase and was angry with everything, I went through the calm phase (my current regime) and forgive everybody in the world. I have experienced three doctors - two of whom said sorry to me and said I am going to have to move on to a `higher up' doctor. I gave my ovary away because I want to have the best chance in the world to make a baby. And as a result of IVF I have accumulated alot of adhesions which fucks up my bowels and bladder.
And above all I am definitely not going to give up, not that easily. It just makes me so fucking mad that I have been dancing around like a supermarket IVF monkey and doing everything they say I should, and as soon as it's over again, nobody in my clinic offered any sound advice with the exception of telling me to wait for my period to end and start again - that my chances are going to be better next time.
If there is anything I have missed and should be trying, anything at all, I will do it. I am not one of those women who winces and cries when it hurts. Nothing bothers me and if my doctor says tomorrow I have to do egg collection awake I will do it - if it means it offers a tiny bit of hope. I don't know what to do with myself - I was feeling okay yesterday and today I think I am mental again.
Fuckity Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck.