Day 6 today. Still fucking bleeding. It was a massive period.
Haven't had a massive period since my ovary was taken away from me. So I am a little worried.
What I am worried about is this period is a lot more intense than my previous IVF ones - despite being a `natural' cycle - did I make a baby and then lost it? Did we create any cells? Is there anything for me at all? Did Babe's sperm reached my egg? Did Sergio put more mayo into my Donor Kebab on friday?
Because pregnancy is so far reach for me - seeing a pregnant woman on the street, and especially if it is somebody you know - is like looking at the solar eclipse, or more artisically - looking at a nice oil painting. It's strange, it's something new, you know you cannot reproduce the same no matter how hard you tried, you really want to learn how to do it but somehow you don't know where to start.
In the office there is a fertility goddess - better known as the footballer's wife. She's beautiful, an ex-model, smart, dated a celebrity footballer and married him in a dream wedding with the works - and a year on - she is now pregnant with his baby and I just saw her waddled past. Although God is fair and made her stack on the weight now that she is more than 7 months into her pregnancy - I must admit she looks fantastic - even more so than before she was pregnant. The baby weight somehow gets evenly distributed on her body and she looks great in her bright pink lycra maternity gear. Last night - I pathetically stuck out my stomach in front of the mirror and pretended to be pregnant. Oh I looked pregnant alright (thanks to years of fertility drugs and my `no-exercise because I am trying for a baby' regime). But of course when I feel that stomach I know it is just fat and fluids - no baby.
Saturday morning I woke up to a hard nudge at my anal region. Babe (a.k.a. Ape-man) wants to have sex. I said it is not a good time - I am raining period - I just don't feel like it. Ape-man didn't understand and complained why am I always complaining about this ached and that hurt. I said how would you like to have sex when you have shit packed all the way up to your intestines, severe haemorrhoids so you are bleeding from the arse continuously, and your penis feels incredibly small all of a sudden? He promptly understood and promised he will make it up to me early this week as soon as my period finishes. Great.
Life goes on - I am here now, so might as well make the best of it. This month I will be back to my old self - I am happy with or without baby - right up until my period arrives again. Let's pray for an ovulation again.