Was quietly working away this morning - trying to work out why I keep fucking up my drawings (I suspect it was due to fluctuating hormonal levels and suspected depression) and why do I need to use short-bodied valves for non-insulated services (still no fucking idea) - when I was `woken' up by the fertility goddess's chirpy morning voice - despite the fact that she was standing at least three rows away from me.
Of course - first thing first - being in an engineering office all the men look up and look for the person with a feminine voice.
"Oh hi there Paul, this is Jessica. Jessica is going to replace me whilst I'm away...."
Great - Fertility Goddess / footballer's wife is here to remind me why I am so miserable and sad because nobody will ever replace me to do my shitty work - because I don't need replacement - because I am not pregnant and don't know if I ever will. Fantastic.
I know it's mean - she really doesn't mean to because she obviously has no idea I am in the situation I'm in - but never mind - I am allowed to whinge here.
I still remember when the Fertility Goddess was a young graduate a few years ago - fresh faced - skinny and gorgeous. All the men in the office drools over her - and looks forward to casual fridays because that's when she puts on her skin-tight denim *ex-model*. Actually she is a really nice girl too - great personality and always have a moment for people. Back then I was going through IVF already - and I used to think - gosh it will be so nice to be in her position - dating a footballer, going out to society balls, etc - not bloated with fertility drugs at home like me and feel sorry for myself when I get a period. Be free and choose my own destiny.
Then suddenly things move forward so fast I find it difficult to catch my breath. She got married, a year later she has a baby in her belly - the same girl who used to be a fresh faced graduate. I guess I am jealous - oh I admit that - but sometimes I just cannot work out why I am so retarded in the reproductive department - I don't know if it is because I am not deserving? Or is there a lesson to be learnt?
Am going to my long awaited for post-IVF chat with doctor now. My little pebbles in life.