I panic about everything - all the time - and lately I have learnt to tone it down a little. Well, just a little.
That's why this cycle I have chosen not to do the daily blood tests - so basically I am supposed to not `give a fuck' about whether or not I have ovulated. I have been absolutely paranoid about it since they took my ovary away. Ovulation to me is an indication of `normalness'. To me, anovulation is a dirty word - it goes hand in hand with things like `mid cycle spotting', `cramps', `heavy period' - all of which I used to suffer severely prior to surgery. Some days I just want to die - after three fucking weeks of non-stop bleeding and estrogen hovering the low 200's is not good.
But then of course it doesn't stop me from charting my basal temps daily (first thing in the morning - before Ape-man kisses me good morning - he is not allowed to touch me until I temped myself - don't want his body heat to ruin the accuracy of theresults). Also I look out for mucus change, softness of vagina, and most importantly - my left boob's condition.
I was getting worried that I am not ovulating this month - so yep - off I went to see my naturopath - who assured me everything is `okay'. I think about the possibility of an ovulation daily - I keep freaking myself out - oh shit what happens if I don't ovulate this month? Fuck is something wrong with the remaining ovary? Am I growing a fucking cyst? OH FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
And then, it happened. Was told last thursday by my bee's knees new clinic that I ovulated (blood tests done as a part of pre-IVF screening). In fact it happened approximately 6 days ago. As if on cue - my left boob started to hurt, it began to hurt more and more and by today I swear it is going to fall off!
The moral of the story is - I am insane. If I stop trying to conceive maybe I will be normal again.
I found myself hovering outside a shop in town on saturday night - it was rather sad - I stared into the plastic dummies with attractive bellies - outfitted in beautiful lycra gear. I found myself wishing to be that dummy - even for a moment, even if it means I will be headless and not able to move - at least I will get to experience the feeling of having a belly full of baby.