My intention today was to whinge about the minor set back I had last night when I was going through my IVF records. But then I woke up smiling this morning - because for the first time for as long as I can remember - I saw my baby's face (in my dream).
I had quite a few baby dreams before - it is always like one of those horror movies - I gave birth in a hospital, the nurse gave me my baby to hold for the first time, I looked down and the face is always blank. A variation to this dream is people from my dream keeps my baby away from me by holding his/her all the time - and I cannot see his/her face. But I saw her last night. It seemed so real.
I returned home from hospital with my baby. Ape-man keeps calling my little girl `Melody' - which is not the name we had agreed on. It's actually Mxxxx. (Don't want to jinx myself here!). So anyway I looked at Melody - she looked so incredibly beautiful - the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen and I started to cry (tears of joy of course!). I can really see her face for the first time. Then I was showing Melody off to all the friends and family - then I remembered maybe I shouldn't expose her to so many people because I figured she probably need to build her immune system up first. Then I laid her down on her pram. And then suddenly it hit me - of course! Her name should be Mxxxx - the same name I call out to every night before sleep during my IVF cycles. She's the one. I told Ape-man about it and we named our little girl Mxxxx. And we lived happily ever after. Then the alarm clock went off.
I am still smiling as I write this.
Quite a turnaround from last night - I was going through pages and pages of clinic records. There's the `natural cycles', the IVF cycles, the shitty `cancelled cycles'. All with `NOT PREGNANT' written on them. With the exception of the one `CHEMICAL PREGNANCY' back in mid 2002. And this chemical pregnancy was achieved with my estrogen hardly climbed past 400! (I used Progynova).
I then came across this one particular cycle - which when I read it, it hit me like a tonne of brick:
Cycle: Clomid 150mg Protocal
24/3/05 - E2 = 180
26/3/03 - E2 = 170
27/3/03 - E2 = 220
28/3/03 - E2 = 340
29/3/03 - E2 = 260
30/3/03 - E2 = 420
31/3/03 - E2 = 230
1/4/03 - E2 = <150
7/4/03 - E2 = 260
9/4/03 - E2 = 340
11/4/03 - E2 = 460
12/3/03 - E2 = 470
13/3/03 - E2 = 560
14/3/03 - E2 = 670
15/3/03 - E2 = 850, LH = 9
16/3/03 - E2 = 1100, LH = 24
LH surge detected - ET scheduled for 20/3/03
19/3/03 - Embryos (x2) did not survive.
I was cooking dinner when they called to let me know after 16 blood tests later, my embryos arrested in the lab the night before transfer and therefore the cycle has to be cancelled. I remember standing there and wanting to die on the spot. I think I howled, and ended up having a panic attack in the kitchen and Ape-man rushed in to catch me. It really was the worse experience in my life - worse than any `real' IVF failures I've had, worse than my chemical pregnancy. I hope it doesn't happen again. I don't wish it upon my worse enemies.
In hindsight - I think that experience made me stronger - it goes to show how `prepared' you need to be mentally for IVF. I am heading off to visit my new clinic soon. Hope the doctor is nice.