Tuesday, July 19, 2005

So Busy - or was it??

I have been so incredibly busy the last week or so I have no time to write in my diary. Fucking work is killing me - but according to my naturapath (the psychic one) - work is not affecting my fertility at all.

Well whoop-dee-do.

And since this month I was supposed to `take a break' from making babies - I didn't go into the clinic for any blood tests to `chart' my hormones. So I suspect I haven't ovulated because my basal temperature is all over the show, my cervical mucus has too much variety in it so I cannot tell if I have ovulated, and my left boob doesn't hurt at all (usually when it hurts - it means an ovulation occured - no shit!!).

Ape-man saids you shouldn't think so much about whether or not you have ovulated. We should have sex whenever we want. You are making yourself sick thinking about babies all the time.

I can't help it. I've been trying for a baby for five fucking years. Every twitch or twang in my pelvic means something to me - so I can't help but think about it all the time.

Yesterday - despite my recent optimism - I fantasised about escaping the country - maybe use a fake passport - get myself a new identity, and live a new life by myself in a foreign country. I don't want my family to find me - so nobody knows how old I am, how long have I been trying for a baby, etc. Then I will have lots of sex with lots of foreign men (not gang-banging type, but serial one-night stand type). Then maybe I will get pregnant that way. Usually when you are most messed up you ended up falling pregnant. I got that idea because one of my fertility friends' friend, who is in a unstable relationship, and doesn't want children, ended up getting pregnant to her boyfriend who abuses her. Now she is contemplating abortion.

Am seeing new doctor on thursday. Excellent stuff. I have something to look forward to. I am most excited about it (and sadly) because I am new to the clinic - so I won't be an `old' face.

Final-fucking-ly.

3 comments:

Em said...

I know the feeling about escaping...I don't ant anyone to know about my IF. Sadly, as I get older, people start to wonder. It is so painful I hate this crap.
Glad to see you back posting. I cehck your site every day.

MC said...

Good luck with the new clinic.
I also know every twinge, cramp,bloat in my body. It's like a secret obsession, although I do report it to my husband.

Drew said...

:)
My husband Ape-man hates it when I discuss with him the status of my left boob. He says leave it alone - you keep squeezing it to check if you have ovulated. You are insane.

Can't help it. Beats having blood test everyday.

Thanks Em! It's just lovely to be able to do a `dump' on the website - sometimes I am so wind-up about this baby business I feel like I want to blow up!!!