Went shopping last night. If all goes well next week, last night would be my last late night shopping experience for the next 9 months. I fully intend to live the life of a wholesome pregnant woman and tone down on the shopping and save up for the life growing inside me.
And on the downside....
I just keep on shopping. Everytime when IVF fails I turn into this HUGE unwanted sponge who cries for no reason. When I see a baby/mother ad on TV - I cry. Whenever I think of how much blood there was on my sanitary napkins - I cry. When I see pregnant women on the streets - well, I get teary, but did not cry like a mental woman. These days I find it easier to cope with a failure - maybe cry quietly for a little while - then move on.
What else can I do?
I have nobody to blame but myself. I can't blame the doctors and fertility clinic because they have done the best they can. I can't blame God because I am not religious. I can't blame Babe - it is not his fault either. And I feel that I should not even blame myself because I feel I have done enough and endured enough - so I need to give myself a little break.
So I shop. I buy things for the house, maybe some shoes, some new jumpers, a pretty dress, some more pillows so we can sleep comfortably, more pretty bedsheets, something for the dog, more food, more shit to cook food with such as spatulas, pans, spices....etc. Anything and everything I can think of to improve the quality of our life.
I will trade anything I have - health and all - for a new life to grow inside me.