Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I ain't no Heidi Klum

It happened in Pumpkin Patch.

It is never a forgiving place to start with, espeically for the infertile - I used to dodge that place like it was contaminated. These days I go in there for the recreational `ooh's' and `ahh's' over teddy bear sized swimwear for infants.

It involved a pair of navy blue maternity cargo pants, a kid's size change room and a really unforgiving mirror which happens to give you a totally unobstructed rear view of yourself.

I tried to pull the pants up, it worked all the way up to my hips but that's about it. The span between the `closing the deal' buttons were at least 3cm apart. It was ludricrious.

I took the offending cargos to the counter, wearing the year's best `You've-got-to-be-shitting-me' look on my face. The salesgirl said: `How was it? A bargain isn't it?'

`Yeah but it doesn't fit me - I always thought maternity gear are designed for comfort and for a good maternity fit - this one isn't doing its job I'm afraid.' The salesgirl then explained to me that oh don't worry, you can make it fit you by releasing the button on the elastic band to make it a bit looser. But then she realised I HAD already released the button on the elastic band.

With the help of the change room mirror - I saw my ass clearly for the first time since my bump started to grow. It became really saggy, I have a decent sized spare tyre around my hips - I have also gained alot of weight on the thighs and it seems there is unlimited cellulite on both buttocks and thighs. For fun, I also tried on a tight black top with a pair of black maternity tights. I looked like an adult size Ommpa Loompa.

But you know what, I'm actually okay with it. I came all this way to ride the full pregnancy experience, I am never going to be that skinny girl in my twenties when just about everything looks good and fits. I am gratefully not. I feel really good for the first time in years.

However I did make Apeman promise me that no matter how I look like after the birth, he is totally and completely obligated to continue to have sex with me.



3 comments:

Mony said...

Oi, have you seen Heidi Klum lately?

She's looking.....tired!

Just another Jenny said...

You know, I even thought Heidi's face was a little plump.

It seems that we infertiles either get fat as all hell (which I can say because I'm in that club) or have HG and end up sick as a dog. I think I'll take fat as hell over the alternative.
I gained 5lbs this week - how is that even possible?

UtRus said...

yeah, i'm getting fat too. trying to maintain sense of humor about it, but it's not easy. I also made Hubs promise to keep telling me how great I look no matter how I look!