Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I lost my marbles and am still looking for them.

I have finally found the energy and drive to do a post.

This FET attempt is all over again. This will go down as the 8th attempt.

I hung on till 16dpo - the longest ever without breakthrough bleeding. It was a rather strange cycle - because at 9dpo I started to cramp, then I thought oh fuck its all over again. Then I cramped again on days 10, 11 and 12 dpo. But then on 13 and 14 dpo I didn't cramp and still no bleeding. Then just when I was slowly settling into the idea of MAYBE, just MAYBE it worked this time, I fucking found blood on the tissue paper I blotted myself with on 16dpo.

So today the body temperature dropped for the first time since I ovulated. It dropped from the usual 37°C to 36.7°C - for the untrained it means I am back to my `normal' basal body temperature, which means the lining was breaking down. And I was right.

Again.

Why do I know so much? Can't I just be ignorant and live like a normal person and oops I just threw up there, and ooh maybe I'm pregnant, so let's do a pee test, and oh I am right. And then congratulations Drew, you are three months pregnant you knobhead.

But I don't have that luxury. The bosses upstairs have decided I need to do things the hard way.

I totally lost my marbles the last two days, so I took a few days off work. I sat at home for hours wondering what is becoming of me. What am I doing here. What is there left in this world for me to do. Why doesn't it work? Is 8 times too much for me and should I just give up and enjoy the rest of the thirties and be content with life.

That house we are currently building, on the second floor, we have included a little room next to the master suite, and is conveniently situated next to an upstairs kitchenette (a basin + bar fridge corner thing). Apeman saids the basin is to be used for bathing the baby - and the little room can be the nursery. I said what happens if there is no baby, like EVER? He replied then we can use it to wash our wine glasses with.

We are not asking for much. We are not greedy. We just want one baby. We don't want to start a cult, we don't do drugs, we don't smoke, fuck we don't even drink, we don't have expensive habits (except for me, I have an occasional shoe habit), we haven't harmed anybody - we are good people who work hard to earn a living and are law abiding citizens. We vote for whichever political party who told the less lies, we pay hommage to charities. We are not mean to animals, we eat out alot to support our local small businesses. We are just normal people wishing for something that happens to ordinary people everyday.

I finally mustered enough energy to go to work this morning and discovered some `great news'. In my inbox - there is a message from a friend who got married two years ago. They are 3 months pregnant with baby - whoo hoo. I sank back into my shitty chair and stared into space for what seemed to be ages and cannot possibly believe the bad timing of this piece of `good news'. I managed to switch into auto-pilot, went to my boss and told him I need to go on a holiday. I don't care if he wants to sack me because I have been so inefficient lately by taking so many days off - because now I need another two weeks off or else I will go insane. I don't want to become a manic depressive person who staples my hair to my calculation folder - I just want to be normal and hopefully by going for a small break I can get some of my `jive' back. He agreed and said go for your life and do some good shopping and relax. I thanked him in tears.

So here I am.

Well.

What to do.

3 comments:

MC said...

I'm sorry Drew. You need to really look after yourself and spoil yourself. Things I do are get a massage, facial, watch comedies etc, I hope this isn't arsevice. I just know that they sometimes help me after another IVF blow.

Em said...

Great to see you back. I was worried about you. I am sorry.
I understand how you feel. If I ever get to make that pregnancy announcement, I am going to do it very tactfully. No group emails. It is incredible how news like that greets you at the most innapropriate time.
As MC said, spoil yourself. Get and expensive habit! (Just not cocaine or anything!)

Drew said...

Thanks girls, it is very comforting to know I have such good support. Am feeling better today except I have this terrible back/pelvic pain due to adhesions. This is the kind of shit we have to live with when IVF goes belly up....
:(