Friday, August 12, 2005

....And Waiting

Took me three fucking days to get over that flash back.

I wish people can be a bit `smarter' and pick things up quicker and stop their probing. And I am an idiot to allow this to happen over and over again.

Baby questions for the first time is conversation, the second time is novelty, the third time is for information and pushing the limit - the fourth time is rude, and anymore questions beyond that is plain ignorant and should be shot in public. The previously mentioned fertility goddess has already crossed that final boundary years ago. I now stop making professional contacts with her husband in fear of a lead up to any cosy dinners or unannounced visits.

And I am still waiting for an ovulation. Interestingly - I was doing okay the past months - six ovulations in a row post surgery - all cycles within a 31 day period - with no drugs assistance. Since I started to pump myself with this shitty puregon stuff last week - and all of a sudden - no ovulation pending. I expect my ovary to hurt - but it doesn't - which means it is not making egg(s).

The ovary has gone on holiday - really bad timing.

I can't wait until I had to do a fresh cycle - the clinic is going to have some fun working out what dosage do I require to WAKE my ovary up. I can hear them chanting 400mg Puregon already.

I don't know how many set backs can I take. I am so fucking angry at myself - in particular I hate this body of mine - it doesn't want to cooperate when I most needed it to.

Last night Apeman was on the phone to his brother - he called him using the speaker phone. I was nearby and overhead his little niece making baby noises (his brother probably sat his daughter on his lap). I stood close just so I can listen to the cute noises. Then I imagined how nice it will be to have a daughter so Apeman can do the same. It's such a nice feeling.

Am a little depressed. But will hang in here because having a baby is worth fighting for.


Em said...

I know that feeling of listening to baby noises. I want a baby for my husband so much, even more than for myself, I think sometimes. Do you use OPKs? I am now off clomid and I am really paranoid about every twinge and am worried that my dum polycystic ovaries won't ovulate. Damn them!

Drew said...

Em - I hope you get to read this message okay!

I have OPKs at home - they so so freaking expensive to use though! Because I am so used to looking out for signs and doing temperatures and stuff - I don't rely on the OPKs too much - I got put off once - I was meant to be ovulating (proven by blood test) but when used the OPKs it didn't show up! So was confused. But every now and then I use it just to check things out. But like I said too expensive to use :(. Esp my cycles are so erratic!

Good luck Em - hope your ovaries kick in and give you those much needed good sized eggs! I am a little scared of Clomid myself because I have both good and bad experiences with it. :(