Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Surviving

The shuttle has returned to the mothership - and is now waiting to land.

The whole thing went really well actually - the actual transfer was fast, efficient, and painless. It seems in my previous tranfers not once did I not feel gorged/probed for a good half hour before I was told it's `all in and all done'. This time I can actually see our little muffin injected into my uterus - actually it is quite cute when thinking about it.

And of course, as usual - I bleed a little bit towards the end of the transfer day - not sure why. I was told maybe it was because my cervix is `really' sensitive. So even a little bit of minor disturbance can rupture the blood vessels there. Whatever. I don't like any sort of bleeding if it is not for my period. Period.

I may sound optimistic here, but I am so shit scared. I already have discussed with Ape-man about our next game plan - I want to do a fresh cycle so we can have our embryos testing for any genetic problems. Because as far as I am concerned - I seem to be doing okay hormonally - had my post-embryo transfer blood test yesterday. Estrogen and progesterone seems to be flying high at 722 and 48 respectively. So the lining is sufficiently supported. I just need to know why my embryos aren't connecting with me.

And then, I did almost everything I can possibly manage to fuck up this cycle.

I cheated with a really non-healthy breakfast two days in a roll - (fried bacon + double eggs + mushrooms + spinach + sausages + toasts + fried tomatoes + hot chocoloate). I had acrylic nails done (was hoping by having pretty nails it will at least make me think about IVF less), and then today I walked for 45 minutes to find a friggin place who can take my acrylic nails off because I looked like a porn star with these extra long plastic talons. I soaked my hands in acetone/methanol/tri-gliceratic polyamide acid for half an hour until the nail technician can fully file the plastic off my fingernails. I mopped, and I vacuumed (but only very lightly). I prepared a three course meal for Apeman yesterday, AND did all the dishes, wiped down the bench, and then wiped down the friggin stove.

This is in comparison to my other cycles - I treat myself and I ask other people to treat me like a disabled person. I didn't lift a single finger. I did fuck-all for two weeks.

Basically this time I try to live as normal as I can - because I refuse, I REFUSE to let IVF beat me once again. I want whoever is in charge to know that it takes more than another failed cycle to bring me down.

I guess emotionally I wasn't looking after myself either - I went to an adoption breakfast on Sunday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it will be - it was just a nice chit-chat with other parents who are going through the adoption process. All I can say is - I was really touched. It was just so beautiful watching the bond between the adoptive mother and child.

I am going to wait patiently this time. Testing 1st Sept.

5 comments:

Em said...

I hope it goes really well. I am desperately trying to alter my diet to beat the PCO (it's not severe apparaently and the docs have said I don't have PCOS but I'm not convinced!)

MC said...

I like the idea of doing things differently. I facilate between acting like an invalid and next minute I've forgotten and I'm rough housing with the dogs and weeding the garden.
Good luck with this cycle.

Ova Girl said...

Yeah good luck and that's a fab attitude drew, DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN. (ooh, overly assertive caps)

And now...for the waiting game....

Drew said...

thanks girls
sorry am a little down today.
I really try to stay positive but sometimes you just weaken and can't help it.
:(
am really crapped off about the cramps. :(

betty said...

Wow good luck to you! I treated myself like a fragile person in my first two cycles also. But the longer it goes on the more you begin to realise how much IVF is takin' over your life. I think it's fine to do stuff, hell every fertile woman on earth does all sorts of active things before she even begins to notice the changes that could indicate pregnancy!