Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Here Goes #8

The weekend has kicked off my 8th cycle. Period arrived with a vegenance - but still less painful than the teeth gritting experience I used to have before my ovary was removed.

Today is Day 4 into the cycle.

Had my first blood test on Day 3 - it just felt so luxurious to have my blood taken in a new clinic - I love walking into the clinic almost anonymously - nobody knows my history. To them - I am another new face with a fresh start. It felt good already.

Of course, with the new clinic it also means new nurses to take my blood - it took the nurse three attempts to poke my vein - it really fucking hurt but I assured her you have to try and use the same spot again and again because that is the only way you can get blood from me. And I was right.

So this morning my lovely Ape-man injected me with the fun juice - 25mg Puregon. Injection every second day until they tell me to stop or until I wake up one day and say to myself this is all fucked lets just move on - no more injections. But of course I won't. I am still mentally strong for this.

I do wonder why I am still here - after 5 years - almost 4 years out of the 5 I was spent training and re-training Ape-man on the injections. Going back and forth to the clinic for more drugs, more needle dispensers, more fucking puregon pens, more puregon, more fucking trigger injections, more fucking blood tests and more fucking post IVF periods.

One morningI had to drop by the clinic to pick up my trigger injection, I walked past a new mother with her husband and newborn baby girl waiting to show the already busy clinic staff their bundle of joy. I have seen her before. Approximately a year ago I sat across from her in the waiting room for blood test. Obviously it worked out for her. And obviously not for me. She looked at me with a curious look at first, then she recognised me (I actually used to work with her a few years ago so we kind of recognise each other's faces), then she gave me this really pathetic look - I don't even know how to describe it - it was part smug, part comforting (for her) look. I felt so angry. I didn't feel empathy from her at all - I felt fucking angry and retarded. It's like she is making me feel like how can I keep going when I am obviously so pathetic at it. I started with the clinic way before she did - and now she is giving this `look' with a baby in her arms. I was so angry and cried all the way home and all throughout the rest of the week. What a spolier. And yes that cycle didn't work out. Again.

I am down to my final four embryos (all to be thawed on the day and monitored for progress - the best one goes back - if the remaining survives they will be re-freezed). Since the last two embryos were of questionable qaulity - I am not going to put too much hope on the remaining ones - so I am going for my back-up plan and have sex after they give me the trigger injection.

Bring it on.


MC said...

Good luck, with everything. i hope they thaw beautifully.

Kath said...

Firstly I used to wonder why I never see the same people again and again only to realise - shit they get pregnant. Occasionaly I spot a familiar face time and time again and we give each other the look of comaraderie.

I remember seeing an old friend in there...she was there for her "second beta" from her first IVF cycle. She nearly died when I said I was there for my 9th attempt.

So sad.