Started off having a really shitty weekend - was feeling lerthagic and sad - because I cannot feel my ovary hurting at all. Which means no eggs in the making. Which means no embryo transfer pending. Which means another dud month.
Then continued to have a shitty weekend - made the mistake of picking up a semi-documentary movie about Manson the 70's killer who's tripped out of acid and thinks he is Jesus Christ in the making. It's bad because somebody actually made money by making a movie about him - even worse is there are curious people like myself who borrowed the DVD and watched it. After watching the movie it left a bad taste in my mouth and I just want to throw it all up to make myself feel better. No luck there. I think the puregon was making me sick too.
I defied my clinic's instructions to double the dosage of Puregon to wake my ovary up. I don't want anymore drugs because I want to use as little as possible so I don't fuck my body up too much - so I continued to use 25mg every second day instead of daily as requested.
Sunday was terrible - it feels like somebody blew hot air up my ass and everything is all bloated inside. The ovary felt lumpy and hurt only when I squat - I suspect:
1) I am making lots of little little eggs - so small they are polycystic like and is not big enough for me to kick up my estrogen levels and complete the cycle. So that's no good.
2) I am not making egg at all. Once again I am trapped in a never-ending cycle with no estrogen rise and base-line blood results for weeks. So that's no good either.
So there I was - feeling depressed, but at the same time feeling eccentric enough to simulate all these bizzare yoga poses in the comforts of my living room floor to see if I can feel any pain in the ovary. The ovary just feels lumpy and I feel like I need to pee/crap all the time to relief myself because I was feeling so bloated. Ape-man thinks I have gone mad and is making things up as an excuse for not having sex.
So this morning I turned up a day early to have my blood test and ultrasound. I know something is wrong. Could not sleep at all last night because my innards were so bloated.
I was chastised by the nurse for turning up one day early because it fucks up their records - but I know my body - I know something is up. I want to know.
I brought out the violin and whined to the blood nurse about how the drugs are not working again because I don't think I am ovulating. She assured me sometimes it takes a while for the drugs to kick in. The next step is to further increase the dosage and do 25mg/50mg Puregon on alternate days. Oh fuck.
So off I went to the ultrasound room. Once the knickers are off and legs are on stirrups - miracle #1 happened. I have a 12mm endometrial lining.
I know from experience this must mean SOMETHING is working - you don't just get this lining thickness for no reason.
`Oh here it is - 12mm - that looks good! You see right here in the centre there - this is where we are going to put your embryo. Looking good!'
And then I saw it - my 25mm miracle egg. I cannot believe I can't feel it - this cycle I cannot feel my egg making process at all.
Am happy. I told the ultrasound tech I love this clinic already. The drugs are working.
`Don't get too excited yet! It's still early days.' Said the tech.
Well, if you have as many set backs as me in the past - a small step like this is a treasured miracle for me. So I am going to celebrate regardless. You see - when it comes to my body - I am always right - if I turn up tomorrow instead of today it would've been too late to use the trigger injection - because I would've ovulated on my own already. And then they will not be able to time my transfer.
Baby steps. One small step for mankind.