Surviving

The shuttle has returned to the mothership - and is now waiting to land.

The whole thing went really well actually - the actual transfer was fast, efficient, and painless. It seems in my previous tranfers not once did I not feel gorged/probed for a good half hour before I was told it's `all in and all done'. This time I can actually see our little muffin injected into my uterus - actually it is quite cute when thinking about it.

And of course, as usual - I bleed a little bit towards the end of the transfer day - not sure why. I was told maybe it was because my cervix is `really' sensitive. So even a little bit of minor disturbance can rupture the blood vessels there. Whatever. I don't like any sort of bleeding if it is not for my period. Period.

I may sound optimistic here, but I am so shit scared. I already have discussed with Ape-man about our next game plan - I want to do a fresh cycle so we can have our embryos testing for any genetic problems. Because as far as I am concerned - I seem to be doing okay hormonally - had my post-embryo transfer blood test yesterday. Estrogen and progesterone seems to be flying high at 722 and 48 respectively. So the lining is sufficiently supported. I just need to know why my embryos aren't connecting with me.

And then, I did almost everything I can possibly manage to fuck up this cycle.

I cheated with a really non-healthy breakfast two days in a roll - (fried bacon + double eggs + mushrooms + spinach + sausages + toasts + fried tomatoes + hot chocoloate). I had acrylic nails done (was hoping by having pretty nails it will at least make me think about IVF less), and then today I walked for 45 minutes to find a friggin place who can take my acrylic nails off because I looked like a porn star with these extra long plastic talons. I soaked my hands in acetone/methanol/tri-gliceratic polyamide acid for half an hour until the nail technician can fully file the plastic off my fingernails. I mopped, and I vacuumed (but only very lightly). I prepared a three course meal for Apeman yesterday, AND did all the dishes, wiped down the bench, and then wiped down the friggin stove.

This is in comparison to my other cycles - I treat myself and I ask other people to treat me like a disabled person. I didn't lift a single finger. I did fuck-all for two weeks.

Basically this time I try to live as normal as I can - because I refuse, I REFUSE to let IVF beat me once again. I want whoever is in charge to know that it takes more than another failed cycle to bring me down.

I guess emotionally I wasn't looking after myself either - I went to an adoption breakfast on Sunday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it will be - it was just a nice chit-chat with other parents who are going through the adoption process. All I can say is - I was really touched. It was just so beautiful watching the bond between the adoptive mother and child.

I am going to wait patiently this time. Testing 1st Sept.