Thursday, September 01, 2005

Can't Grieve

A nosy little busybody dropped by my workstation just then to `say hi'. If you want to know who farted in the room just now, or who has a penile erectus problem recently, go ask her. She knows everything and everybody in this office. And I work in a pretty big office.

When she dropped by I was heads down, I finally got my concentration back after weeks of IVF stress. At least I didn't do retarded things today like I did last week.

`Are you okay Drew?'
`Oh hi T!' Perky perky - perky is the word with busybody because she can sniff a dead rat from miles away.
`You just look...a bit tired'
`Oh really? Oh it must be the flu or something' Cough cough.
`You sure? You look a little sick'
`No I'm fine T'.

My period finally broke free. I am feeling like shit because I got my period and had a negative pregnancy test yesterday. The little valley of hope I built up since the end of last month (well, maybe try FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO) had just crumpled and now I am trying to seek some solace by submerging myself, once again, in my work and pretend everything is normal and hunky dory. So yeah, if I looked a little sickly is because I FUCKING AM.

Last night, after the reality of the pregnancy test sank in - I returned home with bags of shopping. Once again I am the Martha Stewart cross Bill Gates character. At work I am supposed to be a gun engineer, at home I am the brilliant homemaker who looks after my husband to perfection - I cooked, I cleaned, I vacuumed, I scrubbed, I baked a fucking excellent chicken pie from scratch, I served dessert (didn't make it don't know how to either), I entertained the dog, I ironed, I washed, I mopped. Then when I was starting to feel exhausted, I found more washing to do and I did the whole washing/drying/ironing thing again.

And then I sat on the dunny and tried to force myself to cry. But I couldn't. I don't know how to.

Since the 5th/6th IVF cycle I have suddenly lost the ability to let go - to grieve so to speak.

I mean, I did cry a little the other day, but not as much as I used to. Yesterday on the phone, my new clinic was so gentle when they were trying to break the news to me. I was like, oh I'm perky, oh I'm fine, don't worry I already know. Thanks. Oh don't worry about it. I hope the next one is it too. Thanks so much and you have a lovely day yourself. It's like I was cancelling an order for a pizza.

I don't know if this behaviour of mine is normal or not. But I find it easier to cope this way. I am not letting the negative result affect me or my quality of life.

Apeman is planning a mini holiday - I hope to leave by late next week. I have declined to start another FET straight away (as suggested by the clinic as an option) because I don't feel comfortable with it. My body is so fucked at the moment with hormones - I have adhesions running all the way down my back and my bladder hurts when I pee.

It is a difficult time for my body - so I will give it time to grief too.

3 comments:

betty said...

Drew, that is really sad news. You have been so strong throughout this shitty time. You deserve this holiday with Ape Man and I hope that the break from medical stuff recharges your wounded body, mind and soul.

Em said...

This IF stuff MUST have a massive impact on our bodies as well as emotions and you are right to feel that you need to let your body grieve.
I'm sorry about the negative.
Also, I had those bloody busybodies. I can see right through them.

Ova Girl said...

Oh Drew, I'm so sorry. I too hope the holiday is a good chance to recharge and nurture and grieve without busy bodies.