Thursday, September 01, 2005

Can't Grieve

A nosy little busybody dropped by my workstation just then to `say hi'. If you want to know who farted in the room just now, or who has a penile erectus problem recently, go ask her. She knows everything and everybody in this office. And I work in a pretty big office.

When she dropped by I was heads down, I finally got my concentration back after weeks of IVF stress. At least I didn't do retarded things today like I did last week.

`Are you okay Drew?'
`Oh hi T!' Perky perky - perky is the word with busybody because she can sniff a dead rat from miles away.
`You just look...a bit tired'
`Oh really? Oh it must be the flu or something' Cough cough.
`You sure? You look a little sick'
`No I'm fine T'.

My period finally broke free. I am feeling like shit because I got my period and had a negative pregnancy test yesterday. The little valley of hope I built up since the end of last month (well, maybe try FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO) had just crumpled and now I am trying to seek some solace by submerging myself, once again, in my work and pretend everything is normal and hunky dory. So yeah, if I looked a little sickly is because I FUCKING AM.

Last night, after the reality of the pregnancy test sank in - I returned home with bags of shopping. Once again I am the Martha Stewart cross Bill Gates character. At work I am supposed to be a gun engineer, at home I am the brilliant homemaker who looks after my husband to perfection - I cooked, I cleaned, I vacuumed, I scrubbed, I baked a fucking excellent chicken pie from scratch, I served dessert (didn't make it don't know how to either), I entertained the dog, I ironed, I washed, I mopped. Then when I was starting to feel exhausted, I found more washing to do and I did the whole washing/drying/ironing thing again.

And then I sat on the dunny and tried to force myself to cry. But I couldn't. I don't know how to.

Since the 5th/6th IVF cycle I have suddenly lost the ability to let go - to grieve so to speak.

I mean, I did cry a little the other day, but not as much as I used to. Yesterday on the phone, my new clinic was so gentle when they were trying to break the news to me. I was like, oh I'm perky, oh I'm fine, don't worry I already know. Thanks. Oh don't worry about it. I hope the next one is it too. Thanks so much and you have a lovely day yourself. It's like I was cancelling an order for a pizza.

I don't know if this behaviour of mine is normal or not. But I find it easier to cope this way. I am not letting the negative result affect me or my quality of life.

Apeman is planning a mini holiday - I hope to leave by late next week. I have declined to start another FET straight away (as suggested by the clinic as an option) because I don't feel comfortable with it. My body is so fucked at the moment with hormones - I have adhesions running all the way down my back and my bladder hurts when I pee.

It is a difficult time for my body - so I will give it time to grief too.


betty said...

Drew, that is really sad news. You have been so strong throughout this shitty time. You deserve this holiday with Ape Man and I hope that the break from medical stuff recharges your wounded body, mind and soul.

Em said...

This IF stuff MUST have a massive impact on our bodies as well as emotions and you are right to feel that you need to let your body grieve.
I'm sorry about the negative.
Also, I had those bloody busybodies. I can see right through them.

Ova Girl said...

Oh Drew, I'm so sorry. I too hope the holiday is a good chance to recharge and nurture and grieve without busy bodies.