Thursday, September 29, 2005

Life Not Getting Any Better

Grandpa's condition has turned to worst - last night I bid my goodbye to him and told him what I need to say as he was slowly loosing his consiousness, and is starting to talk gibberish. He was however, able to tell me to `behave', and it is a pity that he didn't get to see my children. I cried and told him I will try harder and I too am sorry that he didn't get to see my kids because I am afterall, his favourite grandchild. The upside of this situation is that at least my grandpa is no longer in pain, the cancer has completely filled his body and he is unable to feel any of it. They stopped feeding him morphine as of last night. This morning he is in similar condition.

And after a detailed ultrasound/tube traffic testing yesterday, life just keep getting more bizarre and once again me and Apeman are in discussion regarding adoption. Maybe it is time to stop trying.

The tube on the remaining ovary is open. Yes. So the traffic is open. However -
The ovary is in fact mildly PCOS, and it didn't ovulate this month. So that LH surge detected a week ago was in fact a hormonal imbalance surge. My hormones are fucking around again thanks to last month's puregon ride. It looked a little lumpy but otherwise healthy looking. No cysts or anything like that.
Uterine surface nice and smooth, no problems with implantation there. Yes.

And get this. We found an ovary on the other side. It is only 1/3 of its normal size, but as I was assured that my left ovary was supposingly removed during a rather painful operation in March this year, I was under the impression that I have nothing there. But the last few months I definitely felt SOMETHING on that side, which I brushed it off as `phantom pains'.

But apparently things like these happens occasionally - often when surgeons take out an ovary - they may not be able to completely remove it. It has happened to a friend of mine but what she got was only a tiny dot of ovary left, not a massive mass of ovary like I do. And with mine, it probably `grew' as a result of using Puregon.

I may rejoice over this little discovery, but given my history of endometriosis, that's not exactly good news. It means that fucking disease is still alive and well in me. And that's a kick in the teeth. So, Deirdre is back. She went to Maldives and decided it sucks there, so she came back after loosing lots of weight (and probably tanned, the bitch).

I only want one baby. Becky Cartwright can do it. Cousins who have sex with each other can do it. Why couldn't I?

So maybe there is another hidden message there, maybe I am supposed to keep trying. Maybe the messenger is telling me I am supposed to be fertile - so here's your ovary back. Take that.

Am not thinking straight due to grandpa so I will worry about this later.

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Em said...

Sorry about your grandpa Drew. I found your post incredibly moving. I love your honesty.

Keep trying!

MC said...

Sorry about your grandpa as well.
That's weird about your ovary, I hope it's an omen as well.