Since I cannot have a baby this month - once again I returned to my mothership for some much needed time off and solitude - I went shopping.
I didn't want to go, I don't need anything really. I've got everything I need at home, I've got shoes for every occasion, tops for work and play, jeans in a variety of styles and colours, and the last thing I need is more shoes. Even Ape-man looks like a fucking christmas tree when he goes out - I dress him well because I have so much time on my hands to make sure he does.
Plus I feel empty. I don't feel lonely. I just feel terribly empty and incompetent.
What I really needed last night was to go somewhere to remind myself that I am young, fit, and healthy and even if I am not allowed to have a baby, at least I pull my purse out and buy something I desire. Anything.
So I did just that.
And of course, by going shopping alone also means I have to put myself out there to meet real people. And on thursday late night shopping - you meet all kinds of people (and all kinds of YOUNG people in various stages of undress - low-hung jeans bearing arse-cracks and skanky G-strings seems to be still in).
After buying my 213th, 214th and 215th pair of knickers from Myers, I staggered through the crowds and made my way to Sportsgirl - the fashion house for the brave, the colourful and the hip. Oh I think that's me.
I don't think anybody noticed this happy family standing outside of Sportsgirl - they are not that noticable, but through my infertile little eyes - they stood out like three amigoes in Shanghai. It was just a young looking guy, holding a little man in his arms (probably 2 - 3 years old), the wife kissed him goodbye and said I will just pop into Sportsgirl and be back in 10 minutes. Love you honey.
Nothing out of the oridinary - but then I thought I saw a baby bump on her stomach. She was incredibly trendy, she's got the full trendy gear on. If you don't look closely you probably thought she just had a big lunch. And since I am an infertile, and had been for some time, it makes me a little mental and I am ashamed to admit that I followed her around the shop to check if she is really pregnant. And she was. Probably about 3 to 4 months worth.
How can she go in there? Isn't sportsgirl for the young and the hip? For the free spirited? For the `I can go places and do anything I want'? Shouldn't she shop in places like `Mother & Me' or `Pregnancy Chic'? I walk past maternity shops all the time - I work near one - those are the places which will always be denied to me like a hip nightclub with a bad-ass bouncer. So why is she messing with my Sportsgirl?
And then after this outburst (in my head) I felt ashamed.
And then I felt sad.
Because I am not normal - watching her gate-crashing my Sportsgirl is like me gate-crashing her Lamaze class sans pregnancy bump.
You see - I am so mental that I even dedicated this entire blog to a pregnant woman walking into Sportsgirl hoping to find something stretchy to fit her growing belly.
I need to find a new hobby.