Plus my IVF journey has hit a new low last night.
Got a call late in the evening from Apeman's brother - the word was his grandma is gravely ill and is near death. I may sound very detached about this - it's all because I really dislike that family of his because they are so fucking nosey about my personal affairs (apart from asking me about when we are going to have children because we have been married for five years already, I also get the occasional `How much do you earn a month' questions from the nosey aunty or nephew). Anyway I still need to pay my respects because grandma is old and I need to do the dance every now and then.
So we went over - and to be honest, grandma looked fine for somebody who is near-death (I'm a bitch). She lost her appetite but she still craves for certain type of food and told Apeman about it. She kept saying I'm going to die, I'm going to die. I held her hand and told her you'll be fine grandma (she couldn't remember my name). She was particularly chatty last night and talked about her large extended family and how proud she is of them all.
Then cringingly, grandma asked Apeman (not me) when are we going to have children - it will be her last (dying) wish - and she wants so much to see our children. Grandma could not remember if she had eaten her dinner last night, but somehow she knows Apeman has been married for five years already and still no children, and the fact that she has a clan of 47 (going on 48 as there is one on the way in Houston). Grandma wants to know if we are trying for a baby or not.
I pretended to be captivated by a stupid show on TV (appropriately named for the occasion - `The Mole' on Channel 7) - whilst this baby conversation went on for 15 minutes - with my mother in law sitting there next to grandma - hiding her eyes from her son and myself. It was a sombre moment.
Whilst Apeman gently calm grandma down, and my mother in law's face gradually became ashen and looked like she was about to cry, I kept thinking to myself, FUCKING 47 family members!!! Isn't there enough children/grandchildren for one family? You can't even fit 47 people in a fucking bus! I must be really unlucky - to be married into a freakishly fertile family who knows nothing about IVF and babies are created the `normal' way. I've read somewhere before - that 1 in 4 women experience infertility. So in a family of 47 people, there must be at least 11 family member who is infertile. Well from the way things are heading - looks like I am the only one out of the 47. That's really fucking unlucky.
So there, somebody's gotta be a part of this infertility statistic and I am the chosen one. Without the likes of me and Apeman - the world will be too perfect and that's `abnormal'. So they better not fuck with me because the more I think about this, the more fucking angry I am. I am not going to bring out the violin and start crying `Why me? Poor little me' - I am much more than that. However, sometimes I just wish people accept the fact that not having children, and not being able to have children, is perfectly normal and should not be given the extra pressure.
I can hear my hormones loud and clear today.