Just scared.

Think am cramping already. 

The more you do this the scarier it becomes. 

This just plain sucks.

 

One more day

Pessimistic side of me: 

Supporting parties include my knees (for injuring themselves despite my non-involvement in any kind of sport except for yoga, my brain (for thinking up too much rubbish so I worry myself more), the pimples that comes and goes according to hormonal fluctuations, my uterus (for taking perfectly good embryos and not giving them a good home), and finally, my hair (for not behaving regardless of use of products or blowdrying techniques). 

 

Optimistic side of me: 

Supporting parties include my right ovary (for being there and stayed calm during my reproductive years), my left ovary (for going and coming back), my hands (for washing dishes in restaurants and working in factories so I can put myself through university, and for trying - but unsuccessfully, put injections on my stomach, my stomach (for taking all those injections without complains), my eyes (for staying strong despite the hardship I put through them - including taking on a LASIK surgery to correct my vision, ouch that hurts), and finally, my feet (for picking myself back up again after each disappointment and for the hardship they have to endure for wearing my trophy heels).

 

Pessimistic side chanted this morning:  What makes you think it is going to work for you this time?  This is your 7th embryo from this batch, your 7th FROZEN embryo, from the final three, it didn't work last time, or the time before, or the time before that.  Ha it never worked.  Just get on with it and wait for your period.  Oh by the way Hair is looking pretty crap today, you look like you are wearing a wig.

 

Optimistic side retorted:  (Note:  Feet are wearing shiny flats today, so the comfort factor helps).  It is going to work.  It is going to be SWEET.  You just wait because it is your turn this time, it is your time.  It didn't work before because it simply wasn't your time.  Your body is in top shape, you had a nice surge, the embryos are top grade blastocysts, you have a fantastic shoe collection, you bought the 4WD so the baby IS coming.  A baby is going to come into your lives and you are going to be a mom.  You just wait for the positive pregnancy test.  You hang in there. If I'm you I will get on with that shopping for pregnancy shoes.

 

Looks like it is time to give myself that really, really short haircut.

In Peace

I am finally at peace with Deirdre - my forgotten ovary.  Last Friday she gave me a much needed dominant follicle and we had a lift-off at LH=42.  Deirdre started off as my nasty bitch from endometriosis hell, and then reduced to nothing, only to grow back six months later to give me minor pain and suffering.  She's now back on my follicle production line and I suspect she will stay there for as long as I need her because it is nature intended. 

If everything goes according to plan (yeah right, what plan?), we are looking at a transfer on thursday.

Eternal optimism and inner-calm dissipates.  Panic sets in.

Welcome to cycle numero 11.

Snail Trail

Its slowly happening.

Today is Day 345 into my FET cycle (or in realistic days, Day fucking 16).

Kath - if you are reading this I want you to know that they pumped me up with drugs again since my non-response after the first blood test on Day 7 - and I did what was told and didn't think much of it. You are right dude, nothing to loose here!

So the Puregon kicked in and started to get some follicles happening. The last scan two days ago showed five on the good ovary, but only two of them looks promising (12um), and two pissy little hairlike things on the little ovary. Oh and a large pocket of adhesions/fluids thrown in on the `where the bad ovary used to be' side for good measures. All these follicles you would think I am doing a fresh cycle. But no. Estrogen nicely climbing at 606.

So today I went in for another scan and needle torture, and something different came up today. The two `promising' follicles on the good ovary seems to have stalled and stopped growing, only 13um today. But the bad ovary seems to want to party too and ended up giving me what seems to be my dominant follicle. We have a 15um happening there. It's a fucking miracle, just goes to show the forces of nature. Estrogen at 786 today. LH moved to 12 and hopefully going up.

Me: `Is it going to happen? Like, am I really going to theatre?'
Coordinator: `Yes I think so, we just need to wait for the LH to keep climbing.'
Me: `I just don't want another let down. Something always happens, even if it is physically not possible I still manage to do it.'
Coordinator: `Drew you ARE going to theatre.'
Me: `Okay.'

I slept in this morning. Just before I woke up I dreamt I was playing with my neighbour's adopted Chinese girl. I was tickling her and felt really happy.

Then reality sank in - I slept through the alarm (how the fuck did I manage that?) and was late for the clinic.

If all goes well I am going to theatre to bring home my last embryos. From a team of eleven, now there's three.

I hope, hope hope hope hope, that one of you will become the apple in my (and Apeman's) eyes.

Here we go again

Was doing some thinking today (between my walk from the carpark to the office – which is like a 10 minute walk – quite pathetic).

 

I can sit here and mope around, be depressed, be crappy to Apeman, watch my marriage break down and die a lonely death.

 

Or

 

I can get out and do the things I do, buy more frigging shoes, go swimming, go do yoga, continue to be at the sidelines for friends who are well into their pregnancies, and be happy for them, and be happy with what I have. 

 

I choose the middle.

 

I shall continue with this bullcrap called in-vitro fertilisation, buy more frigging shoes, go do yoga, be crappy to Apeman – but whatever I choose to do my marriage is going to be a testimony of our love for each other.  At our wedding reception 6 years ago, Apeman said to me, in front of a rather large audience, that there are a lot of stars amongst the sky, but he has found his shooting star.  I guess he loved me.  And still does for as long as I am not injecting myself with Puregon.

 

Puregon is making me depressed.  This medication should be banned.

 

Day 7 today into my 10^th/11^th/12^th cycle (I can’t remember).   Will see how far we go.