Tuesday, July 11, 2006

New Me

So here I am - back from my long break. Spent a week in Hong Kong, then four weeks stumbling abouts with bad maps and bad driving in the US/Canada. It was wonderful to say the least. Oh we had lots of sex. Unprotected sex in various hotels around America. Nice ones with crisp 600 thread count sheets, dingy ones faintly smell of cigarettes and urine. And before anybody say anything about holiday lucky pregnancy.... (Snort). As if.

The propects of having no REAL job to go back to is scary. More on that later.

I went to check on my friend Thalia - and oh dear God. Oh Thalia. I am so sorry.

I was in Vancouver when my workmate informed us that his wife is pregnant after their second attempt at IVF. I was happy for them because I had the pleasure to bump into his wife at a local diner just before we left - and she is absolutely lovely. She has `new mom' written all over her. But by the time we reached LA a few weeks later - I got a sad email from him informing me that the pregnancy was tragically ectopic - and she had to be scheduled in for emergency surgery to `cut out the live embryo'. My heart broke on the spot. Oh dear God.

So after much soul searching during my holiday past month - and considered the fact that I actually enjoyed having sex the last few weeks without consciously thinking about getting pregnant, I figured, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE IN ALL OF THESE?

I spent enough time the past 6 years doing the IVF dance - fucking around with various expensive techniques and engaged in hardcore hormone experimentations, had tried to overcome my fear of injections and bloodtests, and spent weeks moaning about another IVF failure, and why couldn't I get pregnant just like Britney Spears, in the end what do I get out of it?

I just got older. And a little broke.

So in the light of all that positivity - I now am happy to say I am relatively content with my life. Just happy to be around, able to type, able to take time of work and just chill for a bit, and do some thinking.

For now anyway. Until the next hormone meltdown, I am happy to say I am A-okay.

Am having a review meeting with the big-Doc on Thursday to discuss my last failed cycle. He is probably going to say, blah blah, blah blah blah, your chances are slimmer now that you have done so many IVF cycles... but for an extra $4000 we can try this technique....


soralis said...

Sounds like a wonderful vacation!

I am glad you are doing OK right now.

All the best

Mony said...

Missed you.

Just another Jenny said...

If you've gotten back to having sex without thinking of pregnancy, then I'd agree that your doing pretty good.
I hope the meeting with your Doc goes well today.

Thalia said...

Sounds like a great holiday. And thank you for the very kind thoughts.

Em said...

I am so glad you are back. The holiday sounded fabulous. I am so happy for you that you just had a nice time and had sex for fun. I really lost sight of that when we were trying.

Kris said...

I'm glad you are back and I am so happy about your wonderful vacation.

Fertile Soul said...

Glad you're in a good place. Sometimes you wonder if that's ever possible when infertility knocks.

I never had a post ivf failure follow up. Tomorrow's my first appt with the RE since IVF1 and we're going to discuss the next protocol.

Betty said...

Glad you are back and that you had so much great sex!! ha!!
It's awful when people loose their pregnancies. Breaks my heart.
You sound on top of things lovie.

Kath said...

Dear Drew, your vacation sounds fabulous. (I just got back from mine, so I'm reading this a bit late.) I am glad to hear that you are relatively OK at the moment, and hope that your doctor's appointment went better than expected.

And yes, those stories are so sad...