I don't even know where to begin. I am in tears as I write this. The past month or so has been difficult. The longest days and nights.
I am still pregnant. I don't even know how to begin to explain how I feel at the moment. Very blessed, stressed out, confused, hate to wake up in the mornings.
All of the above.
To clarify a few things - I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. And 1 day. 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The sort of pregnancy progress people jump over joy with. I made it! Yeah! Let's tell people!
I have been staying away from my blog because it seems every time I make a new post about a little bit of progress, or joy, I get knocked back. So I was just too scared to jinx myself and had to stay away.
The past few weeks I had been to many ultrasounds, many consultations with my doctor. He offers me no nonsense ultrasounds to give me reassurance that I have a baby inside with a beating heart. And many times I see this gorgeous being, this beautiful bean who grew into a little alien person. Already showing its long limbs, playing with its little hands. Even rubbing its face. At 12 weeks. Wow. Completely overwhelms me. Makes me cry everytime.
And I swear I can already feel the small flutters. Don't know if I imagined it.
From 6 weeks I had brown/red watery bleeds. I get them nearly every three days. And if I am really blessed, I get them every four to five days. Those days are beautiful. Blissful to the point I can almost see happy ending of the pregnancy - a babe in arms. Another pair of eyes so similar to the ones I look into everyday, my gorgeous Poopee. The bleeding gets progressively worse, to the point where it became bright red and with bits of clots. Imagine that, my knees shake and I couldn't breathe everytime. Every morning when this happens. I now no longer look forward to the end of the day, because that will mean I will have to face the next morning with the possibility of another bleed.
For weeks there had been no answers. Then by chance I was given a cervix inspection and doctor discovered a small patch of cervix erosion, hormonally related bleeding but has nothing to do the progress of the pregnancy. A few days ago, after yet another big bleed, ultrasound revealed a tear in the uterine lining. A small separation concealing a blood clot between uterus and the lining that protects the baby. Subchorionic hematoma. It is probably nothing, which may heal over time, or may not. But definitely contributes to the bleeds I have been getting.
At this stage, I am still not comfortable letting people know about the pregnancy. Though it does not help that I am already showing. Next week my first trimester screen. I will get some dimensions of this blood clot on the day.
I guess worse things can happen. I just need to get used to seeing the volume of blood and think of it as normal. I hope for my little one's sake, that everything is going to be ok. I have seen this baby and I want this baby very, very much. I hope my body doesn't let it down.
In the mean time, I count down to tomorrow. Tomorrow is a bleed day. Sigh.